Volunteer

For a while now, I have told myself time to time to go help someone in need, or do something more productive. But every time, this "evil" voice says "you don't know for sure that it will help anyway, and even if it does it's no gain to you. Might as well do something that at least you gain something from right now" (or something like that; note- "evil" is a joke). But all of the above is actually false. In fact, by not volunteering I am contradicting my core values by living in the moment, allowing myself to be content with being unproductive in my free time. What am I gaining from TV, movies, or even anime? I make excuses like learning the Japanese language and culture, developing my understanding of storyline development, as well as lessons about life...(this is referring to anime, which is my primary method of wasting time) but when it comes down to it- essentially nothing outside the moment. This should be unacceptable- and yet I have allowed myself to become such a waste of a life all this time. I should be spending all my time doing something that actually affects the future- rather than emulating being frozen in time and foolishly expecting reality to play along...

And volunteer work has many benefits: For one thing, it's probably the easiest way there is to make friends, of which I am sadly in dire need. With these friends (and acquaintances) come contacts- which is a smart thing to have career-wise, and of which I also lack. Heck, I'll probably end up getting my girlfriend while volunteering. People naturally tend to be a lot more open towards those offering them assistance, albeit partly out of obligation. Some of the best parts of volunteering though, is that you're free to choose what to do, and there's never a shortage of opportunities. Enough high-grade volunteer work can look really impressive on a resume as well. In addition, there are many vital skills that are best learned volunteering. For example, I want to be a parent- but in order to be adequately prepared for whatever problems or difficulties that will arise, as well as gaining a good idea of what my child's educational, social, and personal needs- The best approach would be to volunteer for daycares, elementary schools, etc. Since I know my career does not lie in these areas, but am in need of these skills, volunteer is undoubtedly the best way to go about it.

Of course there is also great psychological benefits to volunteering as well. Generally people don't volunteer, because, like me, they were discouraged by the voiced demanding instant gratification. I realize now that this voice (the voice doesn't actually exists, I am merely using it as a representation of the "ego") was preventing me from progressing in life. To achieve success, I need to understand that the best things in life aren't free or immediate- because a great reward always comes with a cost. In this case though, much of the cost is simply the willingness to take the initiative and wisdom to take the future into account rather than merely living in the moment. We all have the highly productive quality of gaining pleasure from the opportunity to actively help others- and all we need is to grab those opportunities by the horns.

Friction

For the past 1 1/2 years, I have lived with my dad- and consequently with several roommates, as he has rented the house out for sometime to bring in extra income. At first everything was cool, got along with everyone great- but eventually relations turned sour. For the longest time I blamed this and blamed that- assuming that the reason involved specific people. But as it turned out- those were just excuses to fill the gap, and I too had become guilty of scapegoating. But it was not until today that I realized this. It's quite surprising that I had failed to realize it, considering it was the same experience at all 4 group homes I had lived in for that past 3 years, as well as high school. The problem is one that, as I would have been surprised to know, no one is exempt from- and that is: Everyone eventually gets tired of each other. Now I'm not saying this necessarily always applies- but I believe it enough that I would bet a good $1000 that even two lovers would grow to loathe each other's presence if locked in a cramped closet for a year. Well, that's an extreme example, but should serve to prove my point. Everyone needs space, although until last night I failed to recognize that. I even listed myself on a test as able to tolerate infinite affection. Maybe I actually can, but I shouldn't make such judgments unless I am sure of it.

This inevitable friction found in relationships of all kinds- should be taken into consideration. It's understandable that it should be so widespread- since friction as a principle exists in the physical world. On that note- I will make use of the associated analogy- enough friction will eventually cause deterioration, decomposition, and destruction- as well as ignite wildfires. the most extreme example I could find of the affects of friction is the real world is a Nuclear Chain Reaction, although I believe in "The Big Bang" so that would be the most extreme period- although apparently unlike most extreme examples of friction the effects were positive.

Before I get on a tangent though- I would like to note that these analogies are an excellent metaphorical mirror of the affects of psychological friction. As such, one of the keys to keeping relationships healthy is to closely monitor the friction in your relationships. By doing so you will prevent any friction-related problems from occurring. As with adaptation the key is maintaining a balance. I suppose on that note balance is vital to all aspects of any type of relationship, so we should dedicate ourselves to monitoring and maintaining this balance between ourselves and those we hold dear. But especially in relation to friction, I should make sure to limit the time I spend with anyone I know- to prevent wearing out my welcome. To be frank, few people renting at my dad's house "have a life", and so the constant chaos is understandable, since most of them spend 100% of their free time at all (that's an exact percentage), and over half don't work at all- which of course means they never leave the house in the first place. But I should do my part and get something more of "a life' starting with college and some volunteer work (see "Volunteer" post)

Evil

This is copied from an email, and as such I have yet to determine whether to add more or leave it as is. But for now this should work.

In the past I said that I believed in evil, but that human beings are not evil, but that actions are. At this point I have gathered enough reason to extend that to say evil does not exist period. my reasons are as follows:

1. the morality of a human being is developed over time- and as such they have no control initially, and very little control overall as to whether or not they become what it stereotypically "evil"- and even the little control they do have ultimately stems from factors beyond their control- so no one has any actual control over their fate- because their choices stem from things that they learned, that were genetic, or that originated from outside influence of various forms. thus- a person cannot be evil, because that would require a choice. Ultimately, that choice does not exist, and that is what I derive this reasoning from.

2. anything, regardless of how extreme it is, could not be considered evil, at least not by us. if you believe in a God presumably he knows, but that's irrelevant for practical purposes, since prophesies are never crystal-clear, and don't happen hardly at all in the first place. Even if thousands of people are killed, who's to say that this event inadvertently prevented more tragic events from happening in the future. when you consider how small changes in the timeline usually grow exponentially in importance over time, such a thing isn't too unlikely. But regardless, we must consider that we're all going to die anyway, and most people prefer to be remembered. In most cases, the more gruesome a murder is, the more likely it is to remembered, not to mention the poetry and beauty that can be seen within moments just from the surface. For this reason, I want to die by murder. Dying in my sleep at a ripe old age is absolutely unacceptable. well, it doesn't have to be a murder, but that is preferred.

3. For the rest of the evil, the outcome is not determined by the circumstances, but the involved individual's ability to adapt. If they are able to adapt- what would seem evil might actually be for the best, because the life experience and knowledge achieved would be far worth it. One of the best examples of this are diamonds. In case you didn't know, diamonds are the products of death. specifically, animal, plant, and (possibly) human life die over thousands of years. eventually their carcasses decompose and meld together forming fossil fuels- specifically coal. Then it sits in the lonely dark caves for thousands more years, and turn into diamonds. this is nature's way of telling us that anything can turn out for the good if we let it. Some- possibly most people are not good at adapting. I believe the ability to adapt to be primarily genetic- although from looking at my family there's probably more to it- although it's probable that my dad's side is really good at adapting, whereas my mom's side is really bad. actually when I think about it this makes perfect sense (if you knew my family you would know what I mean by that) But in either case we have two choices: either force people to adapt at an equal rate, and the survivors will become evident by means of natural selection (not going to happen- the world won't accept that obviously) or closely observe everyone that we influence, and find their natural limit rate of adaptation. from there we can achieve a balance between growth and stability on an individual basis. This would be the ideal approach to eliminating what most people call "evil"

Smart Shopping

Over the years, businesses have evolved tremendously, and- as a result, people find it hard to determine which products are best. As a result of mass production and information technology, most products are made in roughly the same way, so we can no longer use the reputation of a company as a guideline, for many of the products we buy. Sure we can sometimes, but- let's face it- with the advent of technology, business reputations are slowly becoming a thing of the past. With this in mind, corporations have found other methods of promoting themselves. One of these is advertising, and with the amount of money put into it- I'm guessing that most people will buy things just because it's advertised. Although this is an understandable approach for the uninformed, it still bugs me that people would live their lives willingly influenced by people they probably will never know. Some buy things from the recommendations of friends, but while this is a step in the right direction, to become a smart shopper, you must be informed of products first-hand before purchasing.

Which brings us to the second alternative by which corporations promote themselves- which is, ironically (see previous posts) by giving themselves and identity. All the big names became big in great part because they offered services that pinpoint the needs of the customers in a way unique enough that non can match it. They specialize in meeting this need, until they attract a customer-base by which to thrive off of. A good example of this are movies. The popular ones usually fit neatly in a specific target audience. In my experience, the popularity is directly proportional to how much it specializes with the target audience.

In the past for a time I was obsessed with cell phones, specifically about the plans of different brands. I made a hobby of comparing the brands and looking for the best deals. from that experience, I learned that all the major brands have their good points- and as such, the quality is entirely dependent on whether you are a good match for the service, Not just in cell phone plans, but most major brand products go by this model, and most people buy products or services- completely unaware that their level of satisfaction is dependent on how good a match they are. Even if your friends recommend it, that doesn't mean that it's the best match for you- everyone has potentially different needs. Actually this principle is universal, but I'm just taking into consideration that the smaller brands are more risky, because- frankly the buyers are lab-rats.

Well I can't tell you about all the different brand's target stereotypes, but I think that cell phone carriers should serve as a good basis to go off of: AT&T has the best coverage, Sprint has the best voice quality, T-Mobile has the best customer service, Verizon has the best high-tech wireless gadget packages, Metro-PCS has the best worry-free bargain plans, and Helio is the best carrier for relatively rich social butterflies. And if you count Nextel, it's the best reliable walkie-talkie service (good for businesses)

Most products of major brands out there follow a similar model, gathering a target customer-base like so. Perhaps this is the best way to do business, since it's more efficient to choose an identity and zero-in accordingly (more simple) but it seems that for most people it's not simple enough- since the amount of money put into advertising is so outrageous. Well on the bright side, it keeps Google (my favorite company) going.

true tribulations

When I was a Christian, I found it so hard to understand what was so hard about living your life by the book. After all, the Bible usually says to life a certain way because it's the best way- so on that basis following it would be in our best interests whether we are a Christian or not. Since then, I have come to disagree with many of the Bible's core values, but it nevertheless still makes up a vital part of the basis for my morals, simply because it's right about a lot of things. And to top it all off, I had complete peace regarding what happened after death. I was nieve, but I have to say, ignorance is bliss. True tribulations (and this is coming from a person with 16 years experience being a Christian) do not come from holding on to a religion, but from not being able to believe in one. I cannot believe in any religion, Because my brute honesty about myself prohibits it. Maybe not to you, but to me it is clear that no religion on the face of this planet is entirely correct- It's very likely that none are even remotely close. I myself am agnostic, but that's not actually a religion- but rather a philosophy. It's about as close as I can get to having a religion though.

So, as a result, I have no idea what happens after I die. Based on this, it probably doesn't make any difference when I die- but I, as a human being with ambitions and the urge to make the best of life despite this uncertainty, am determined to live a long and fulfilled life nevertheless. Christians are so lucky- they can honestly and wholeheartedly accept what the Bible says happens after death, with no doubt or concern; and as a result, peace. For the most part I can indulge in this ecstasy (although for different reasons), but on occasion I cannot help but ask the question- at which point such concerns are inevitable.

Since for the past 16 years I had been a Christian, most of my friends are such; as a result, after happening upon the fated realization (brownie points to anyone who got the joke), most of those friends I've lost contact with (although there are many other reasons for this). I still have Christian friends, but we cannot share as close of a relationship as we did, probably because it's hard for them to hang around me and maintain a carefree stance- since in their mind I'm going to hell. I don't know what affect this has on this, but an inside joke that I've made something of a habit is openly admitting that I'm going to hell (of course referring to their perspective, not mine.)

Come to think of it- my type of girl is probably likely to be a Christian. Perhaps this is because, since I was a Christian all that time- my personality adapted to accommodate these standards, to ensure better socialization. If this is the case, I may have "cursed" myself (metaphorically) when I renounced Christianity. Well, then again, there's probably plenty of girls of that type that aren't Christians- perhaps I should go for girls interested in the fine arts?

In retrospect, I don't regret my decision at all though. although there have been many social setbacks, I have gained much in self-awareness, as well a better understanding of people from all walks of life, which as a Christian (I know) would not have been possible. Plus, I can always make new friends, and it's best this way, since as a result I was able to adapt and grow, rather than the less pleasant, and (unfortunately) prevalent alternative tragedy that befalls those of a similar past.

Stereotypes

A lot of criticism has been going on for a while about stereotypes. People are hyperbolizing it like crazy, only it's all negative. Why don't we cut the crap and admit that stereotypes are useful. The minority is called the minority for a reason- which is because there aren't than many of them (obviously). Things would be a lot better overall, not to mention more efficient if people realized their place, and dealt with it. Racism, Sexism, Prejudice- all of these are the result of people not being aware of their position. Stereotypes apply to everyone- we all have our strengths and weaknesses. That being said, we all are the minority on something. Stereotypes were invented to make life simple- and yet people can't mind their own business, and break the chain- re-complicating things just because they find it impossible not to take things personally. Wouldn't life be a lot better if people minded their own business and let things be? I don't even want to have to think about how much money is being wasted on the minorities- not to mention the thousands of people that have been killed throughout history over such trivial things.

And yes, it is trivial, when you consider "the greater good". Life is already complicated as it is, and while complicated can be a good things, We should have reasonable limits- and know when enough is enough. Someday the minorities stand a good chance of becoming the majorities- at which point they can play king of the hill. or maybe they won't but no matter what happens, people shouldn't be so self-centered, but instead recognize their place. Now I'm not talking about any particular stereotype, and to clarify that I intentionally didn't put any specific examples. After all, you all know what I'm talking about anyway- it's not too hard to find stereotypes. And on that note, considering how many stereotypes there are, people should recognize that (a) there's a lot of them because they're a good thing and (b) there's no way you can kill a stereotype- in fact, attempting to will likely only encourage more of them.

Well, only a few stereotypes have been targeted I admit, in the for of gay rights, [insert race (but probably not white)] rights, women's rights, etc. The amount of problems created by this constant struggling for "rights" is depressing. Maybe it never occurred to these people that those rights only exist because their country affords them, and that even if their so-called rights are banned, There is no action governments or individuals can take to imprison your mind (at least not yet)- and I doubt the government will care too much about how you live your life anyway- they understand as I do that such matters are trivial, and consequently no worth their time. Even if all your "rights" were taken away, as long as you aren't in prison, you can do whatever the hell you want. The only places where your "rights" apply are things like jobs and social services- and when it comes down to it, that's up the people owning the companies of these, and in all truth it shouldn't be any of the governments' business anyway. If we just leave things be, everything will work out for the best. Anyone with eyes to witness the perfection of nature would realize that letting things happen naturally is always best.

Cosplay (Costume Play)

This post is partially copied from an email I sent.
Until just a few seconds ago, I had a relatively negative and stereotypical view of anime fan-specific cosplay. to be blunt, I thought that such a thing gave anime fans a bad name.

but then I realized that once again, I had behaved like the rest of world, and refused to look at it from their perspective before passing judgment. Because, naturally I was raised that way, it's a bad habit that will take more than a change of beliefs to revise. when I have kids, I will make sure they have this straight from the beginning (not passing judgement on a behavior before considering the corresponding perspective and determining its validity)

in this case, when I thought of cosplay, I thought of... well costumes. Since costumes are generally outrageous, I assumed ideas that led to a visual that made anime cosplayers to look very childish. But I did not take into consideration- that most animes involve humans that dress in relatively ordinary close and many times have normal-looking hair and overall body appearance. for example, it would actually be a very fun and creative experience to dress of like Kyon since I look a lot like him already, and his clothes are relatively normal. Many of the cosplays people do involve characters just as normal (well, maybe not- he's unusually normal) as kyon, and I failed to realize that. I have much to learn.

I suppose the area where a lot of the misunderstanding occurred though was my mistakenly tying cosplay to the so-called role-playing. While I fail to understand the method by which it operates, I understand less how anyone can consider it fun. (For those not familiar with it, basically the "host" invents a storyline- and the participant take on the role of characters, either those from animes or made up by themselves. They then make their way through the storyline, in a game-like fashion. Since there are no preset rules or limits to the outrageousness, it's presumable that the winner is determined by the creativity of the individuals, most likely on a silent-vote system. This may also be the way in which anime fans gain respect- a streak of creativity that is agreeably high quality- would give the person to which the screen name is attached- a good reputation, and possibly popularity.)

But on that note- I have realized just now that I have had the same misconceptions about role-playing as I have had about cosplay. Although they may appear childish from the surface, both cosplay and role-playing foster creativity, and could possibly form the basis for the animes and mangas of tomorrow. But even that aside, they are active and socially stimulating activities, and help build skills in the creative domain, in a very unique way.

*Note it may seem that I am contradicting myself- but the truth is halfway through the post, I made a realization and had a sudden change of opinion as result. Once you get to know me well, you will find this is often the case, especially considering that most of what I learn comes through communication.

Potential

As you may know by now, my favorite topic is adaptation. In accordance, this post serves to elaborate upon that very subject. In my opinion, the potential of any living thing is solely dependent upon one factor, and that is the level of their ability to adapt. Rather than trying to say that is a fact, which I am too young and uninformed to say, I will simply convince you by making references applying this theory of mine.

Throughout history, there have been people have been through extreme and traumatic circumstances (myself included) and yet proved to do well in life, even seeming to benefit all the more because of their past. At the same time, there are other people who have gone through a comparably easy life, but to them it was too much, and a result lived a hopeless life, or killed themselves to prevent that from happening. To this end, I believe that people suffering from mental illness do not have issues simply because of the illness itself- actually, I think that the majority of the problem lies in their inability to adapt. To take a step further, the affects of their illness do no directly result from a chemical imbalance, but rather, the chemical imbalance severally affects their ability to adapt, and as a result, they cannot. The schizophrenia, depression, rage, obsessions, etc. are all failed attempts to deal with the inability to adapt. When I look at my mom, this is especially clear. When we were growing up, everything was just fine- the trouble did not begin until we moved to the new house. Sure, she had some odd behaviors, and had something of an antisocial perspective of life (I'm getting this information from my dad, obviously) but as for mental illness, completely non-existent. Perhaps the transition associated with the move was the trigger for the illness- she wasn't able to adapt to the new living conditions. To top it off, there were other problems. See "hardships" for more information- as you may see many of these problems were simply unfortunate- there was nothing anyone could do.

When she realized that she could not adapt to the world around her- she coped every way she could, all of which completely failed and just "dug her a deeper grave". Other than depression and obsession, she eventually began to exhibit schizophrenic symptoms. These especially correlate with her inability to adapt. At church, she met people at church who appeared to be in need, so she let them live at our house. Some of these wrecked havoc, where others on exhibited odd behaviors, but all of which she could not adapt to. Her logic contradicted itself to this end, because it is common knowledge that adaptation is an essential part of life. As a result, she created a highly pessimistic fantasy world where everyone was against her, conspiracies abounded, Armageddon was just around the corner, and...well you get the idea. By diagnosis she is schizophrenic among other things. But intrinsically I do not believe that to be the source to be that- the root of the problem lies in her adaptation deficiency. I believe that if he ability to adapt outweighed the deficiency caused by the illness, It would have been as if she never had problems in the first place. I believe this because I, who possess her genes and as such have been diagnosed with similar, albeit much less extreme, illnesses- I'm able to cope with the world in which I am living, despite having such a traumatic past and dysfunctional background. I don't even take medication anymore, and I'm sure those who know me agree that I'm actually better off without it.

Stephen Hawking is another good example- he is considered by many to be the greatest scientist living today, and some consider him the greatest of all time. He continues to live up to these expectations, carrying on as usual, despite being 65, almost completely paralyzed, and (as a result) unable to talk. If he can carry on despite these circumstances, as well as any other individual in history with comparably extreme conditions, It should be clear that for them to do so can be attributed to none other than his strong ability to adapt.

It is my belief that criminals and "psychos" of all kinds result from having circumstances that outweigh their ability to adapt- primarily psychologically. But I also believe that we should not try to prevent this by stifling the adaptation process- eventually they have to start living life, and if we take that approach they will be overwhelmed by the shock when the time comes. Instead, we should pay close attention to each individuals actions, perhaps even go out of our way on occasion to give them a series of hands-on tests to determine the point at which their limit to adapt is reached.

To say that criminals and the mentally unstable behave in such manners because they lack sufficient ability to properly adapt to the circumstances pressed upon them- is a much more reasonable explanation than evil and crazy- not to mention far more optimistic. People who attach such intensely negative labels on these people do so because it's easier than going out of their way to see things from their point of view. The question "why did they behave in this manner" (to be generic) is inevitable, but since people don't want to think about such negative things they say "Of course they did because they're even/crazy." But this kind of thinking is close-minded and wrong.

Political Views

Every time I've ever taken a Politics test (to determine which party I belong with) I always end up somewhere between democrat and liberal democrat. But as you will see, my political views cannot be stereotyped so easily- they are far too diverse for such and endeavor. My ideas regarding this are surprisingly radical, and may even appear to contradict. (although they do not)

First the death penalty- I believe that the death penalty should be enforced, but they should get rid of death row. It's far too inefficient, and from what I've heard about death row- even if they are released due a court decision turnover, chances are they already want to die. To keep so many people there is not only highly inefficient, but torture. When it comes to crimes, if the criminal runs he has a death-wish, and we should grant them it. Our tax dollars are being wasted on large police squads who, due to inefficient practices, only attend to a meager amount of the 20 million+ crimes committed in the US per year. Our inefficiency has led to having the largest crime rate by a landslide (second place is Germany, but they only have 4 million+ crimes per year). The reason why that we have large squadrons taking on individual criminals is to capture them without killing them, but this reason is faulty- because they wouldn't run unless they knew that they wouldn't be shot. The large numbers, not to mention the history behind capturing without killing, motivates them to escape. By using such practices, we are asking for them to run.

This type of thinking might seen inhumane to you- but consider that we're all going to die anyway, most of us in our old age. Dying of natural causes in your old age is one of the most boring, poetically lacking ways to die. I would venture to say I'd rather be killed. By killing criminals we are giving some meaning to their life- which otherwise might have just been a statistic. Well, it's still a statistic, but if we killed them at least it would be a more interesting and memorable one. We shouldn't try to play God- whichever decision we make, people are going to die, and people are going to live terrible lives. So that being the case, the best decision to make would be the most efficient right? If we spend less tax money on criminals, more money can go to saving lives in Africa, or better yet be used to research ways to solve the world's problems permanently. If God didn't want them to die, they wouldn't. God's an all powerful being, so obviously the only explanations are that he wanted them to die, or didn't care either way. I think it's the latter.

To be continued...

Identity

As I've said in previous posts, for the purpose of change, I have given myself identities, to ensure adequate motivation to carry out the changes in the areas need. These include my identities of honesty/openness, self-awareness, among others. But although self-enforced identities do promote change, gaining satisfaction from them is an entirely different matter, at least for me. The reason for this, is because I can change myself, it proves that defining myself would be a very superficial measurement, since theoretically I can bestow any personality traits I want on myself...But it's clear this is all in the head. Since we ultimately have very little power on who we become, that probably shouldn't matter, but it does. My logic and ego do no agree on this matter, and as such, the conflict of interest reveals a need for some other proof- otherwise my ego will prevent me from experiencing true satisfaction. As such, most, if not all people come to accept identities given by others. There is where we can find true satisfaction, or at the least it is one of the mandatory variables. These identities can range from an affectionate nickname to a Nobel Prize.

This, although most definitely not the only reason, is why it's important to consider how people think about me. Generally, I tend to take an attitude that I don't care what people think about me (although ironically I have been shown time and time again that this just might be self-denial- see Patronized and Self-Awareness posts.) But perhaps I should compromise a little. From my perspective, the "identity" as defined above is nothing but a mere illusion (see the illusion of life post), but as humans (let's face it) we need illusions to survive. That's the kind of fragile beings we are. I kind of makes sense though, because with complexity comes risk- the more complex an object is the more likely it is to break- Windows XP is much more likely to break than dos, and your computer is more likely to break than a rock. This is the way of life.

So in the future I suppose that I'll try to consider what people think about me more (I've got the attitude down, but the habits will take a bit of work.) But as far as online goes- for the sake of being open I will continue unabashed- as this is the unsaid promise I made with myself.

Autobiography

well obviously this is going to be constantly updated, because I, a mere human, am not capable of writing an entire book documenting my past in one sitting. But here it comes, the contents of my life, starting from the beginning.

Chapter 1- Early Memories

My earliest memory to date was when I was ~a few months old. I remember my mom carrying me into a day care center at church, and there I had my first experience with cardboard bricks. Other than recalling her picking me up later, that's it. Memories are a very sensitive thing, especially when we are young- well, at least for me. A lot of the reason for this, is that I'm not sure whether a lot of memories actually exist, or if I imagined them looking at pictures or hearing about them. One such memory is the one when I was 2 1/2 I remember literally standing on top of the Bible, just like the "B.I.B.L.E." song told me to- and accepted Christ that same day- or at least close to it. Well, I think I at least partially imagined it, but then again- when it comes to autobiographies, it doesn't matter too much as long as it actually happened.

I also have something of a memory being in the womb- but this is probably also imagined. As much as I pride myself on my memory- such a thing is too absurd. When I look in my photo album, I recognize most of the pictures- but it is not clear whether perhaps I only recognized them because I had looked at them before. There are a few early memories I am sure of- such as the first time I tried coffee at church when I was a toddler, and also tried soda for the first time. I don't remember the exact flavor, but I'm fairly sure it was one of the Hansen natural sodas. I had 2 or three sodas, and I believe that after the 1st soda, my chosen flavor had run out and I had to pick one I didn't want as much. There are other memories that I'm not sure if they were before grade school (if possible I want to preserve chronological structure), but our (my siblings and I) first babysitter was the Nickle family. I don't remember too much about them, although my older brother(s) found them to be oddballs, but incredibly intelligent. We spent a lot of time playing with the children in the family, although I don't remember much of that either. Although I heard that my brothers had pets before this, the first pets I remember were Angie and Allen. I considered Angie mine- he was orange with some white. well, considering the name, it might have been a "she", but I never thought of it as such. Allen was grayish-silver, and was my brother's. Later on the cats disappeared- I can't say for sure but I think they ran away. I remember us doing a lot of walking- to Lucky's grocery store, to the discovery museum- we all walked just about everywhere- an if not walking used the light rail or bus. Although we sometimes got cuts at other places, the hair salon I remember was called princess beauty, situated a block or 2 from the crossing of Willow St. and Lick Ave. My dad always worked late- and many times I would sit in the driveway hoping that I would be the first to greet him when he got home. Because he always worked late, most of the time I waited in vain though.

to be continued...

Education

From the start of grade school (1st grade) I was always under-challenged academically, probably mostly due to homeschooling. 1st grade, I was so advanced that in an attempt to compensate the teacher put me in 2nd grade for reading (my reading level was my biggest strength at the time- and that particular class had so few students that the 2nd and 1st grade was combined as one, with 2 teachers) all through grade school class was both fun and easy- with the only exception being 2nd grade. Actually I did not realize this till now, but the reason for that in retrospect may have been because I was never good at group projects, and the difficulties I had was with a group project. When Jr. High came around, I was positive that I was a smart and gifted student, and took that upon myself as my identity. In accordance I immersed myself in education, and made it my obsession. Because I had only partially "owned" it as my identity, my educational base was weak, but since I continued to get top grades (my 8th grade 1st semester GPA was 4.1) I can confirm that such an approach sufficed. However, after the end of 1st semester 8th grade I transfered to King's Academy (a college-preparatory high school with an excellent reputation) with a partial scholarship, Things began to change. Well, actually 8th grade was fine- I got top grades and made lots of friends- as well as participation in many things. I don't want to reveal too much because I plan to save some of this material for my autobiography.

Well, truth be told the reason why I was struggling a few months into the 1st semester of high school was because I had many changes going on. At the time, I had started taking both growth hormone and several (likely unneeded) medications. These probably caused a sudden lack of sleep, which I was not prepared for, as well as emotional instabilities that resulted in a lack of performance. Although I was far from failing (my worst grades were C's, in Spanish and Geometry), my aunt responded to my stress in a melodramatic fashion, and registered me for an I.E.P. (Individual Educational Plan) There my IQ was measured to be 133, which falls under "genius" but I feel that the test was dependent on how academically active I was at the time. In addition, it is different from most IQ tests, in that there was no time limit. It was decided to enroll me in Foothill ADT high school, and until the first day there I was sure that it was a school for gifted students possessing exceptional intelligence or dedication to academics (or something along those lines. I did not enter until after my aunt had returned me to the shelter, and I was in my first group home, Willow of EMQ (Eastfield Ming Quong) for a few months. But I had yet to be corrupted by the system, and despite the disorienting circumstances, did fairly well my first year. But after that, although it was a gradual process, I became more and more exposed to the higher forms of mental stimuli, starting with TV and music, then visual media. It would be inaccurate to say my exposure to the higher forms of mental stimuli was wholly responsible for my educational degradation, but it definitely was a factor.

One thing that could have solved all of this would be to actually take time to realize how certain factors affect my life, present, past and future. It's true that I am intelligent, but not nearly as intelligent as I thought. Extreme examples aside, intelligence cannot be truly defined. We all are better at certain things than others are, even if we don't know it. Most of my "intelligence" was not innate, but came from a solid educational background and academically healthy habits. Now that I know at least part of where my academic failure came from, I must use that to ensure that I can live to my limit by once again making education my identity, but furthermore, but "owning" it, and in accordance make conscious to ensure that I am worthy of such a thing. Only then will I possess the motivation to achieve my academic dreams.

Self-awareness

Although for all practical purposes the symptoms have disappeared, I am fairly sure that I still have bipolar disorder (AKA manic-depressive). Over time, I realized the importance of self-awareness, and thus made it my mission to know myself as much as possible. Eventually this turned into something of an obsession, as you may notice is mirrored in my writing. Self-awareness became a character trait much in the same way as honesty- in that I always considered myself self-aware, but I wasn't actually and truly self-aware until I made it my identity. When a person makes something their identity, it is different from just considering yourself to have those qualities.

The difference lies in the amount of dedication to ensuring that the quality significantly reflects in your life. For example, a person can say they are a Christian, give offerings, go to church, read the Bible, and believe that every word of the Bible is the word of God, divine truth. I have known many people like that- in fact, almost every Christian I've met follows that criteria. But to actually and truly be a Christian, you must own that quality, and make it your identity. To truly be a Christian, you must actively evangelize, volunteer in choirs and overseas missions- for you to truly be a Christian, people must know without a doubt that your life's mission is none other than to serve God as best as you possibly can. Any lower level of effort and you are nothing more than a "wannabe"

Because I made self-awareness my identity, I was able to get rid of much negativity in my life. Each time I am angry, I determine the exact reason why I was angry, and rationalize why there is no reason to be angry because of that. Truth be told, there is no reason on this world that rationalizes anger- since anger in and of itself only results in negative consequences. I don't care if the psychologists say "you have every right to be angry"- sure you have a right to be angry, but just because you have a right doesn't mean you should take advantage of it- that's common sense.

There is one thing that an easy rationalization cannot prevent the anger- and that is I get angry whenever anyone say anything related to me personally. Even if they intended it positively, it still runs the risk of making me angry. Just because it relates to me does not mean that I will get angry (I have to perceive it as a criticism) but because there is the risk, I will keep in mind to try to fix that- since it is the only area that I will still get angry about- to date.

This may already be apparent, but the main type of thing that gets me angry when it comes to the above- is patronization. This is detailed in the "Patronized" post.

When it comes to depression- it's a bit easier. Depression, in accordance with its passive nature- can be stopped before it actually takes effect- because the preliminary symptoms are relatively easy to deal with. Unfortunately, most people (at one time myself included) are not aware as to how to take steps to stop it- and sometimes (due to a lack of self-awareness) they are not even aware of their depression until it's too late.

Bipolar runs in cycles- which, with sufficient awareness, makes it easy to predict when manic and depressive states will occur. There are many forms of bipolar, with each one having a different amount of time between each shift of cycle. The shorter cycles are obviously harder to deal with- do to the lack of time to adapt- and furthermore are more extreme in nature for roughly the same reason. Fortunately I have been "blessed" with a more spread-out bipolar- so, since most people, bipolar or no- get depressed or angry- in conjunction with my high self-awareness, I am better off emotionally than them, since I actually know when I will get angry or depressed- most people don't.

Getting back to depression, I should be depressed a lot- and I would know, since although I do not actually get depressed, I experience the first symptoms quite frequently. However, at the very first symptoms, I stop thinking about whatever I am at the time immediately, and literally make a habit of staying away from pessimistic thoughts. To date, the longest depression I have had in about 1.5 years in 1/2 an hour. The reason for that (I remember clearly) was that I realized that I was unable to create a decent resume, since I had no work experience whatsoever. But after about 1/2 an hour, I decided to just go with it, and focus on the strengths I had. The inspiration and motivation was entirely self-induced- I forced myself to make it. The result is here: My Resume

I get the feeling that I should have a lot of issues, but that the problems went aware simply because I made self-awareness my identity. The obsession I gave to it probably "saved my life" (to hyperbolize.)

Adaptation

Part of this post is copied from an email, because (although I am usually not aware of it) each time I write I expend "brain-power" and so am comparably mentally exhausted for this reason. I figured, since I was going to write about the same thing in the email anyway, why waste energy by recalling the thoughts again?

I've made the decision to cease use of the computer for everything but blogging, email, chat, and the anime that I have not finished. anything outside of that is not allowed. furthermore, the time in which I do the above exceptions will be scheduled and thus limited. In this way, I will ensure two things: (1) that I will gain more discipline and organization. (2) I will lower the level of overall brain stimulation, resulting in a forced adaption that will substantially encourage more academic activities- this change will be needed to be adequately prepared to attend college, and move on with my life as a whole (almost all academic exercises involve reading text, and since reading text is one of the lowest forms of brain stimuli, In order to gain enough motivation to read materials that I undoubtedly would not be interested in at first, I must already have adapted to that level to ensure a smooth transition, and avoid logical conflict.

well, although I did not think about saying it that way I admit as I was writing I was entirely aware that the above paragraph might have been a tad bit too "scientific" sounding...well maybe it might be a good habit, since at least at this point I believe my future career interests to be somewhere in the field of science.

speaking of which, another reason why it's important that I bring myself to a level where I can read a lot.

since my current job only works at nights, I have decided that I will hold on to this job, and go to college part-time during the day starting this january. even though I probably won't be able to arrange a grant this late in the year, I should be able to apply the grant money towards the already active student loan, so it would be the same either way. plus, they say that if you keep a low profile technically you can spend a grant on anything, so I guess I'll get one of those loans you don't have to pay until a year after graduation -that way I'll have plenty of time to sort it out.

a lot of the reason I didn't go to college for a bit was because I didn't want to waste money on something I wouldn't do. although the motivation was wrong (the gen. ed classes are mandatory for most majors, so I could just take them) I'm glad I made that decision, because otherwise I might have not been adequately prepared- over the past couple years I have learned many things, and it was just recently I realized a crucial way to apply the importance of adaptation and it's relation to relativity. Although I was aware of it- I failed to recognize the need to apply it to my own life (see The Importance Of Relativity)

now that I have realized that, and also many other things, I think that I am more than ready, and so will attend sjcc spring semester-on.

that's the end of the related half of the email, so now for other thoughts:

I may have said this before- but I'll say it again. Adaption IMO (In my opinion) is the most beautiful part of life. Because of adaptation, humans are able to withstand circumstances that, to the naked eye, seem impossible. Because of relativity, most people are not able to appreciate the beauty of it. To truly appreciate it, a person must (at the very least) experience one hardship of every level, intensity, and type. For that reason, it is one of my goals to do experience just that.

As strange (and to some, crazy) as it may sound, I want to see death. I have never seen it, which is why I want to. I want to see a person getting robbed, someone being tortured or raped, I want to have a close relationship with someone in financial or legal trouble. I want to get to know someone who's actually struggling with addiction, and despite great efforts cannot overcome it. I have seen many hardships, and most of the most pressing involved myself- but of these I am still ignorant. I do not want to be. I'm not saying that I will go out of my way to find trouble, but for the sake of enlightenment, I sure as hell want trouble to find me. (note hell isn't sure IMO, I'm just utilizing the expression).

About Me

most of this needs to be changed, so although you might use the below as guidelines, it might be safer to wait until I figure things out...

IM: jb.candid (msn, yahoo, gtalk) jbcandid1 (aol) jbcandid (myspaceIM)

19/m | straight | SINGLE | San Jose, California, United States
candid, nonreligious, and trusting


My self-summary:
Who am I? I am...

a nerd, geek, anime/manga fan, computer guru, linux advocate, poweruser, conversationalist, intellectual, avid debater, have high moral standards despite being nonreligious. I am an extrovert, a critic, and a skeptic (note: trusting and believing are 2 different things). I am impatient, spontaneous (not sexually), and indecisive. (lol I know- impatient, spontaneous, and indecisive- total worst combination ever!)

While there are some people who are unsure if they want to have kids, I know I want to have kids (in 10 years though, lol) so if you're set against it, I guess it wouldn't work even if we were a perfect match.

Basically, I couldn't care less about anything to do with news. In other words, I don't care about: celebrities, religion, politics, global warming, world hunger, earthquakes, tragic explosions, or human rights. I just don't care, because it's not that important. note the exception to this is news regarding technology, i.e. artificial intelligence, flying cars (yes we have those now), Microsoft getting sued for violating antitrust laws, that kind of thing. I only want to here news that have an effect on our future, in other words. People dying is not a good thing, but the world will go on. Like it or not, their lives probably won't make much of a difference, relatively speaking.

I also don't care about animals- especially cats and dogs. More specifically, I think they're ok, but not good enough that I would be willing to take care of. I wouldn't mind having a snake though, or something of that kind. they're low maintenance, and interesting. But it's not like I hate cats or dogs- I just don't particularly like them either.

I'm not sure whether God exists, so I won't side either way. But if he did exist, I'm willing to bet he created us for his entertainment. Heck, I were God, I would definitely create humans. I mean, think about it- is there anything in the universe that's ever near as interesting as human beings. Well, you might argue something like black holes, but that couldn't possibly be interesting as us because otherwise everyone would be in the astronomical research field. and to top it off, that way God can be entertained forever (after all, he's immortal). So in a way, without us, God would be in hell, suffering from boredom (until creates something else) but still, that means God needs us.

What I'm doing with my life:
Right now I'm working, and next month (hopefully) full-time @ HP Pavilion as a food prep. Most of my free time I spend writing in this blog- well, either that or watching anime. There are other things I'm doing, but for the most part that's about it.

I'm really good at:
see http://jbcandid.blogspot.com/2007/10/my-best-skill.html http://jbcandid.blogspot.com/2007/08/strengths-and-weaknesses.html

debate, computers, memorizing multimedia content (video/music/etc.) after only listening/watching it once, summarizing that content (probably due to memorizing it), research, linux, spelling. I also have a really good eye for detail, so I'm good at correcting, and improving upon (especially others'/my writing), and I guess I'm an expert at killing time- so if you're bored out of your wits I can guarantee finding a million things that will interest you. Unfortunately for me, that makes procrastination inevitable- speaking of which, I guess that also makes me good at procrastination.

What things people notice about me first:
I guess what they first notice would have to be physical (that's inevitable, let's face reality)- so I guess they first notice my hair (well honestly I don't know, maybe I'll ask...) well it might be my eyes...and if they have delayed awareness and I'm feeling particularly enthusiastic, I have a captivating smile, so I guess it could be that.

My Favs:

Anime:
In this order: The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya 1 and 2, Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei, Lucky Star, Great Teacher Omnizuka, Chobits, Cardcaptor Sakura, Strawberry Panic, Fullmetal Alchemist, Ceres: Celestial Legend, Bleach, Fushigi Yuugi, Magic Knights Rayearth 1 and 2, Elfen Lied, Clannad, Orphen 1 and 2, Kanon, Aishiteruze Baby, Ouran High School Host Club, High School Girls, Marmalade Boy, Hellsing, Girl's Bravo, Ah My Goddess 1 and 2, Honey and Clover, Video Girl Ai, Love Hina.

The order is preliminary and thus subject to change- and of course depends entirely on what I'm in the mood for at a given time. I have made the decision to gradually cease watching anime and listening to music- with academic interests in mind- FYI.

Books: (By Author)
J.K. Rowling, J.R.R. Tolkien, C.S. Lewis, Frank E. Peretti, John Grisham, Shakespeare, Edgar Allen Poe, Emily Dickinson, Nagaru Tanigawa, Gary Paulsen, Lois Lowry, Nathaniel Hawthorne, Stephen Crane, Ursula K. Le Guin. These are listed by level of active interest in the corresponding authors, and as such, I have likely only read one book of the last few. I might also be biased by the lack of books I've read recently overall.

Manga:
Video Girl Ai, Psychic Academy, Love Hina, Mahou Sensei Negima, Great Teacher Onizuka, Futari Ecchi.

Reference:
http://wikipedia.org, http://slashdot.org, http://nationmaster.com, http://wikihow.com.

Movies:
Action: Gladiator, The Chronicles Of Riddick, Kill Bill 1 and 2, Daredevil, The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Underworld 1 and 2, Aeon Flux, The Matrix Trilogy, Hellsing, The Xmen Trilogy, The Terminator Trilogy, The Punisher, The Mission Impossible Trilogy, Zoro 1 and 2, The Borne Trilogy, The Harry Potter Series.

Drama: The Butterfly Effect 1 and 2, V for Vendetta, Hannah's War, Patch Adams, Premonition, Tuck Everlasting, Finding Neverland, Paycheck, The Sound Of Music.

Romance: A Walk To Remember, The Illusionist, The Notebook, 50 first dates, Fever Pitch, Ghost.

Horror: The Ring 1 and 2, The Grudge 1 and 2, House of a Thousand Corpses, Cry Wolf.

Music:
By Genre:
Anime, Trance, Jpop, Vocal, Classical, Pop, Rock, 70's.
By Artist:
Cascada, Celine Dion, Eminem, Play, Keith Green, Larry Norman.

My favorite genre overall is Anime- for those who aren't informed, a song classified under the genre "Anime" usually refers to the songs used in the opening and ending credits of animes.

My favorite song (and choreography sequence) is "Hare Hare Yukai" even though it is in another language (Japanese) I can sing it perfectly now without the words or music. I can even achieve this at 2x+ speed. The next step is to memorize the choreography.

Food: I'm not that picky, but if I had to choose, I like indian food, and, well...I guess the rest is dependent on quality. But in order for me to like it a lot, I think it has to be restaurant food, although the people who cooked for me before (myself included) may have just been bad at cooking, which impaired my judgment.

The six things I could never do without:
a computer, my opinions, the ability to speak, freedom of expression, the internet, and peace.

*subject to change- will update eventually*

I spend a lot of time thinking about:
most of the time I think about philosophy (the meaning of life, the state of reality, life and death, the purpose of existence.); psychology (motivations for criminal acts, the general reasoning behind the acts of everyone else, the ramifications of the differences in the perspectives thereof, the various products of the concept of relativity, and the countless way in which humans adapt to their environment on a regular basis, and both the negative and positive consequences resulting from these adaptations.), and the future (how I'm going to go about building a successful relationship/marriage, how I'm going to ensure a bright future for my kids (when I have them) In what manner am I going to go about in choosing a career that will influence the world, and to which extent will I prioritize influencing the world over my own well-being. Well actually this is just the tip of the iceberg, but I guess you got the point a long time ago.

On a typical Friday night I am:
note to self- might need update.

Occasionally I work Friday nights, and starting next month I'll probably work every Friday night. But as of now, Friday isn't all that special of a day for me.

Lately, I've been spending most of the time writing in my blog or watching anime, but if I'm not doing that I'm probably...

tweaking my computer, possibly breaking it and savoring the opportunity to fix it, and if not that, I'm probably doing something on the computer like reading manga (they're translated scans in jpg format) listening to my enormous collection of about 2,200 songs (and going), or on okcupid, some other site, or IM'ing someone.

The most private thing I'm willing to admit:
Everything! that's no joke, and if you actually have the time, patience, and attention span to look through my 43+ journal posts, you would know that it's 100% true.

You should message me if:
note to self- might need update

Well I probably want you to message me no matter who you, and random is a good thing, since it makes life interesting.

But if you want to have a relationship, and you are messaging me with that purpose, above all, you should be honest, trusting, and dedicated. Other than that...

you should also be of reasonable intelligence, flexible in conversation, and enjoy learning new things.

I tend to connect better with women a few years older than me, so I guess that would be a good thing (i.e. brownie points.)

you should probably not be a Christian (I like Christians, but it seems they don't particularly like me), preferably Agnostic/Atheist,

Race is not as much of a factor, but (don't take this wrong) I'm not sexually attracted to African-[insert-variation-here] at all. Other than that I'm open.

Bonus points if you are Japanese, brunette, petite, or unique.

Stats:
Ethnicity: White
Height: 5' 9" (1.75m).
Looking For: New friends, Long-term dating, Activity partners, Long-distance penpals
Smokes: No
Drinks: Not at all
Drugs: Never
Religion: Agnosticism and very serious about it
Sign: Taurus
but it doesn't matter
Education: Graduated from high school
Job: Aramark Food Prep (HP Pavilion)
Income: $0-$20,000
Kids: Likes children
Pets: N/A
Languages: English (Fluently), Japanese (Poorly)

Random Facts About Me

1. I am a European mutt, to the point that to isolate the predominant ethnicity would require a ridiculous amount of research.

2. I was a legal orphan from 2002 until 2007

3. I am a virgin

4. I have only been on two dates, and they both were recent, and with a person that I was not the least bit attracted to.

5. I became a Christian when I was 2.5 years old, and remained a strong and extremely active one until I renounced it in at the beginning of 2007. Then at the end of 2007(after a lot of thought) I became a Christian again. Then I changed my mind again (for various reasons) so as of now I am not a Christian. Yeah, I know I'm very indecisive.

6. From 2001-2002 I took trumpet lessons- and played in a band later on. At the same time I was in a choir, and that year (2002) I successfully performed both the choir and band portions of a high school play, uniform switches and all.

7. From the Jr. high until sophomore year, I had a height of ~4'8", with no more than a few inches growth in that time frame. To correct this, I received growth hormones starting in 8th grade, and ended them at 18 yrs.

8. My 3 brothers and I all have names starting with "J", and all my siblings (including my sister) and I have "Bible names". This seems to be a common practice in the family (the Bible part) since many of my cousins also have this quality.

9. I was home-schooled until I was 6, with additional periods of time when I was 10 and 11.

10. See hardships for some more random, albeit negative, facts.

11. Perhaps in part as a result of homeschooling, I was always interested in academics- simply learning for the sake of learning. I was not aware until just a few days ago that this was the case (never thought about it); I have often attributed my good grades to intelligence, but after having difficulty with much more simple academics from 10th to 12th grades, I became confused, because such a thing did not make sense. recently I realized how obsessed I was with learning prior to that, and confirmed that my lack of performance resulted from a severe decrease in interest.

12. I have been in Fremont mental hospital a total of ~4 times, with the reasons being fits of anger, panicked impulsiveness, and passive obstinance. In all cases, although I was mentally unstable, there was never any chance of me hurting myself or others, or becoming gravely disabled/unable to care for my needs. This means that I was actually put in the hospital for no good reason, and naturally, I didn't get anything out of it, besides...

13. The first (and only) female I've seen naked (in real life) was a schizophrenic patient in Fremont Hospital. Other than half-flashing and full-flashing, she also occasionally punched people randomly. The problem with schizophrenic is that no one will ever know whether or not they listened to "the voices" or acted of their own accord. Who knows, maybe she just wanted attention. Both methods got it immediately.

14. I had auditory hallucinations from 2002 until 2006. Note that this is far from schizophrenic, because although I "heard voices" I had no idea what they were saying, or even if they were actually words. The only ill effect was discomfort in levels proportional to the overall intensity. I believe that, like #4 of "Deep Dark Secrets", "the voices" can be wholly attributed to stress- "the voices" started close to the time my aunt returned me to the children's shelter, and subsided once I had stayed in the same placement for over a year. It's also likely that "the voices" were in a large part due to puberty, since they began a couple months after beginning growth hormones shots. Since "the voices" subsided around the time I stopped taking shots, This theory seems more plausible, although the connection between puberty and psychology seems a bit oblique. My most recent theory, in part due to becoming aware that crime investigators actually do enlist the help of psychics, "the voices" could have been the beginning of the development of flamboyance. This can be supported by the fact that I was not actually aware that at the time of hearing "them", I would soon be taken back to the shelter- so on this basis, it might have been a sort of esp warning.

15. Although I have watched quite a few more than this, I have in my possession a total of ~900-1000 anime episodes (and going) I do not currently own sailor moon, but after adding it, along with other ones I deemed not worth keeping, I have probably watched a total of 1,200 episodes. This does not include english dubs like Pokemon, Dragon Ball, DBZ, Inuyasha, Digimon, Hamtaro, Yu Yu Hakasho, YugiOh!, One Piece, Speed Racer, Mobile Suit Gundam and its sequels, etc- all of which I have never seen a single episode of the original japanese versions (I don't consider then animes for certain reasons- so they don't count. If they did, they would probably add at least 250 more.

16. Currently I have 2135 songs in my possession. (well actually 3-4 of them are an hour long, and are mixes of about 15 songs each, but I don't feel like figuring that out. But assuming that to be the case, it would be closer to 2,200 songs.) But as it stands, half of them (1002) are theme songs from animes, a quarter of them are music from the 70's, the remaining quarter is trance, techno, house and the like. take a little bit away from these measurements and the remainder (probably 35, to round off) is made up of 4 of my favorite albums, all from different genres (rap "Eminem: Curtain Call", pop "Play: Replay", and trance "Cascada" (2 albums- entire collection) Cascada is my favorite trance band, and possibly favorite overall.

17. My favorite song (and choreography sequence) is "Hare Hare Yukai" even though it is in another language (Japanese) I can sing it perfectly now without the words or music. I can even achieve this at 2x+ speed. The next step is to memorize the choreography.

18. My favorite anime is "The Melancholy Of Suzumiya Haruhi" (the "correct way to say it"- in English notation her name would be Haruhi Suzumiya) apparently Japan agrees with me- it was the most popular anime of 2006, the time it aired. Good news- a new season is scheduled to launch between this '07 and early '08.

19. Update- my favorite anime is now Death Note- "T.H.O.S.H." now takes second place.

20. I am quite adapt at speaking basic japanese.

21. My penis size is 6" long, and 5" around.

22. I'm left-handed, with the only exception being using the computer mouse with my right hand.

23. I'm moderately near-sighted, although I have not worn glasses for a while.

24. Although I do not qualify as bisexual (I have zero sexual interest in males) I do consider myself to be halfway between bi-permissive and passively-bi. see here for more information.

25. My sexual interest in prepubescent females is much higher than that of adult females (so, depending on how you define "bisexual" #25 might be partially invalidated. However, this of course is at odds with my ethics, as I have absolutely no intent of consummating this interests for ethical reasons.

26. To date, there is absolutely nothing I am afraid of, whatsoever. As you may realize by now, this amazingly is not a lie (at this point there is no reason to).

27. I do not have any friends, and will not have any until I am able to establish that which is lacking (so until further notice- see here for more information.)

28. On December 14, 2006, one of my roommates died in his sleep. Outside perhaps the death of my grandma, this is the first time I've ever had someone I knew die. (I don't know if my grandma dying would even count, since I wasn't even aware of her death till many years later.)

Deep Dark Secrets

Although it usually extends beyond this, my honesty is always adamant about matters concerning myself.

Below are the deepest darkest secrets that I have kept about my past. I am a very honest person, however, as to avoid scaring potential friends off, I removed more sensitive materials. However, to be truly consistent concerning this personality trait and lifestyle, I realized I must make no exceptions, and accept the risk.

1. In the past I have taken medications for illnesses such as bipolar, depression, Asperger's syndrome, among other things. There are multiple reasons for this, mostly circumstantial, but recently I made the decision to stop taking medication. Well, to be more precise, I kept forgetting to, and then realized that I was much better off without it. Following the withdrawal period, in addition to not having to sleep nearly as much, and an increase in metabolism...I did so much better I wonder if perhaps I could have saved myself a lot of trouble by not taking it in the first place (not that something like that would be possible in those circumstances, + I didn't know any better.

2. In part because of my aunt's sense of responsibility and misconceptions about my emotional state, and also complimented by an mental imbalance caused by taking unneeded medication, along with constant chaos due to transitions among other things, People got the crazy idea that I needed to a special behavior high school for special treatment. Keeping in mind the circumstances listed above, naturally the behavioral school only caused me to have bad behavior that otherwise would not have existed. As a result, I lost the innocence that I had held onto all through Jr. High. I was stuck in this rut all the way till graduation in June '06

3. My last year in the system (17 or 18 years old) I became bi-curious, and did 69 twice with a guy.

4. One year in Jr. High, I began compulsively sexually harassing the guys my age. Well that's an exaggeration, but honestly, I might have been possessed, because to this day I cannot recall any reason whatsoever for my actions. That is the only time something like that ever happened, but it still creeps me out a lot. I'll try to be optimistic and hope it was just stress overload.

5. In an effort to justify the actions of pedophiles (since overall they don't seem all that mean or perverted) I did an experiment. Using only my imagination, I first masturbated to the most sexually attractive woman possible. After than, I masturbated to the image of a little girl (i.e. no tits, no ass, etc.) The results were surprising- my arousal and the level of orgasm was much more with the little girl. I have no intention of becoming a pedophile, but this experience did lead to a much clearer understanding of their motivations. Chances are not many people can empathize with such an experience though, because we all sexually attracted to different people for different reasons. Ok, well although I won't actively be a pedophile, I may just children as a visual. after all, since it works better, it's common sense, right? Well, considering the definition of pedophile, pedophilia is not a lifestyle or a choice. Whether or not I act on it, I guess I am a pedophile, since I can't help that I'm more sexually attracted to little girls. I suppose when I get a girlfriend, I'll probably get one that looks like a little girl (i.e. short, baby face, etc.)

6. I have a tendency to torture cats; so, if given the opportunity I have and will start torturing it eventually.

I'm promising myself I will not regret posting this, but I know without a doubt that the above will seriously damage my reputation (especially #5!)

I love Japan

update: I have determined that the following is exaggerated quite a bit- but since I'm too lazy to tune things to a more realistic and practical level- I'll have to ask you to figure out which parts are exaggerated for yourself.

In addition, my logic at the time of writing this was fatally flawed. so the parts about the love being consummate and deeper than the love people have for each other, pretend those lines never existed- I don't have the patience right now to filter it all out- the structure of the entire post in unfortunately based upon these misconceptions, so I'd have to rework everything from scratch, and right now I don't want to do that.

I love Japan- in fact, at the moment of writing this I have just realized that I love Japan more than most people of this world have ever loved each other. To be specific, I love Japan with a consummate love.

The acclaimed psychologist Robert Sternberg developed a model of the different forms of love, which is known as the triangular theory of love. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Triangular_theory_of_love)
It is incredibly easy to understand, but the implications are very insightful. For starts, love is defined by three elements: Passion, Intimacy, and Commitment.

Infactuation= Passion, but no Intimacy or Commitment
Fatuation= Passion and Commitment, but no Intimacy
Romantic Love= Passion and Intimacy, but no Commitment
Companionate Love= Intimacy and Commitment, but no Passion
Empty Love= Just the shell of Commitment
Intimacy by itself is the defining aspect of close friends
Finally, Consummate Love encompasses all three aspects of love, the holy grail and ultimate ideal of those who seek it. And consummate love is what I have for Japan

Intimacy: I probably know more about Japan than 90% of the U.S. population put together- mind you, the general population tends to not be that interested in Japan, but you get the point.

Passion: Well, I wouldn't have to explain this portion if you know me, and chances are, if you're visiting this site you do. But to give a few examples:

1st sure sign- I've decided to write a book called "Remodeling Japan" to outline the many reasons why Japan, in spite of having a country with almost no natural resources, less than 15% farmable land, and on top of that a territory smaller than California (U.S.), was able to because the second richest country in the world. Ok, I'll try to resist the temptation to say more about it- I need you to have some reason to buy it when it comes out!

2nd sure sign- I've been thinking of wanting a tattoo for a long time, but after finding my name in japanese katakana (a kana variation), I decided that this would be my tattoo.

3rd sure sign- I am 100% positive that I want to give up my U.S. citizenship in exchange for Japanese when I get older. That's right- and I put a whole lot of thought into it.

4th sure sign- Well, have a talk with me and you'll see...

And the final element, commitment- I've committed most of my time the last few months to understanding, experiencing, and evangelizing Japanese culture. yes, I said evangelizing. Japan is my Jesus (well, I guess in this case it would be more appropriate to say Buddha since about 84% of Japanese claim Shinto Buddhism as their religion) other than that- the fact I'm willing to give up my residence and citizenship for one in Japan is a sure sign of my commitment to Japan

so that settles it- I have a platonic, unrequited, and yet consummate love for Japan. amazing, isn't it? Soooo... does this mean I can't fall in love with a woman because my heart in its fullness belongs to Japan? well, I guess we'll have to wait and see.....

hardships

Here I will lay it all out bare- the other posts tell everything about me possible except my life story.

Well guess what, folks? Here I'm going to even give away that too!

But just do me a favor, will you? Swear on your life that you will not feel sorry for me, because I love my past. The reason
for this is I love everything about myself, and have no regrets. Few people on this earth can honestly say that, and you
probably know I'm telling the truth, since I've made that quality of myself pretty darn clear.

I'll start with a few facts:
my brother got hit by a car when he was 5, resulting in temporary crippling and permanent brain damage.
my younger sister was molested by my other brother when I was 9.
my mom is mentally ill, including schizophrenia, paranoia, depression, etc.
I was belted frequently, most times of which it was not my fault, or anyones for that matter.
I wet the bed until my mid-teens.

there were many people who lived in our house, many of which were manipulative, abusive, and half-crazy. my family let them live there for free for a few years out of the goodness of their heart, and ended up getting used and screwed in the end. my brother, as a result of molesting my sister, was taken to juvenile hall, and then to a group home, along with several places afterwards. my sister was placed in foster care around that time, and I didn't see or hear or know of her whereabouts for several years. my mom declared several of the residents witches, and forced them all out, followed by forcing out the replacements (all of which she invited in the first place. My mom filed a restraining order on my dad when he resisted her trying to control the happenings of the house. then, since she didn't have a job, we lived off of food stamps. after that, my mom started talking about her dream about my dad being drawn away from the path, following the dark looming shadow that metaphorically represented the new age cult. then she read a Bible verse that said "run to the hills, ye Jerusalem" (I think it's in the prophets, after Isaiah). and we took a long walk, I'd say about 10 miles, to the east hills. We then went up the hills, all the way at the top, and hid at midnight beside the freeway. after that we came back. (speaking of which, my other brother (I have 4 siblings total) was born with several diseases: one that he could not walk because his nerves were defective at birth ("Spina Bifida"?). and the other something like "Bolus Bobilius", which makes it difficult (originally impossible) to eat, which meant he had to have liquid Pedia-Sure through a tube in his stomach (called a bolus tube). oh, and for a large period of time I had to take charge of caring for him, including taking out his stool (shit) with petroleum jelly. and I had to catheterize him too (put a tube in his penis to be able to transfer his urine to a cup). because of the tube in his stomach, I had to rub peroxide and sometimes silver nitrate at the insertion place, to clean and remove dead skin to prevent infection. I did all this for a while, sometimes getting up in the middle of the night to do it (because he had Pedia-Sure, he had to be fed 5 or 6 times a day, at regular intervals. He also had to be catheterized in at these times too. Anyway, because he couldn't walk, when we went all the way and up the east hills and back, we pushed him on wheel chair the whole way. later, my mom booked a flight to Kansas (my dad said it was actually Florida, but we thought it was Kansas) but since the transaction was electronically-based, she was convinced that they were new-age agents, and decided not to go to Kansas, and so we spent the night sleeping in the airport instead. after that, later on my mom said we were in the apocalypse, and so we needed to hide from the new age people, because otherwise they would drug and brainwash us and force the mark of the beast upon us. I suggested a place my sister and I had been to before she was taken away, and so we went there- which is a creek under a bridge not far from the house. We took with us several devotion books, but no food. My mom said we must starve to death so they can never get to us. While we were there, I slipped and few into the creek. Because my clothes were wet, I took them off and wrapped myself in a blanket we brought. We built a shelter from scratch, using branches, moss, dirt, and plants. However,
at the end of the night everyone except my mom and I were complaining about hunger, so we went back. At this point my mom and dad were legally separated. We went back, and my mom decided to go by her maiden name, since she wasn't actually married to my dad (even though she was, not so in her eyes since she claimed to be tricked). She had us do the same as well, and I continued to be faithful to her wishes until a couple years later. Social services, due to my brother's accident and my sister's molestation, were in previous contact, and due to my mom's irrational methods of dealing with their visits, they were suspicious. After hearing several reports, and finally my mom using her maiden name for mail, the police stepped in on court orders and took my two brothers and I to the children's shelter. At this time I was 11 years old.

And now for the hardships I had after being taken to the shelter: (To be continued...)

Todo list for my life

This is a todo list for my life, and is arranged by priority.

1. Get a girlfriend

2. significantly expand my circle of friends.

3. get a tattoo a custom design ジャスティン [insert "heart" symbol here] 日本 (Japan in Japanese).

4. Fall in love with someone, preferably someone who loves me too.

5. Write at least 5 books [in approximately this order]- (1) a collection of my thoughts about life (2) a highly original fiction novel, (3) an autobiography (4) a book speculating on the true literary origins of the Bible, and (5) one promoting Japanese cultural ethics- ultimately this book should influence the U.S. to follow the same systems.

6. Decide on a major that best fits both my interests and strengths.

7. Get a career following the same pattern

8. Become fluent enough in Japanese to pass the Language Proficiency Test, ideally at a high level.

9. Move to Japan

10. Gain Japanese citizenship.

11. Get married

12. have children.

13. take advantage of my awareness of fate, and dedicate myself to giving my children the best fate humanly possible, by raising them in such a way that covers all the bases, ensuring that they will succeed accordingly.

14. dedicate the remainder of my life to seeking out as many of life's answers as possible.

"Since a person doesn't necessarily need to ask questions to get answers- why even ask? It would be a lot more efficient and a whole lot less worrisome. If we bypass the questions and find the answers on our own. For that reason, I try to never ask questions, but just seek out the answers. Life's a lot simpler like that." - me

my gods; other thoughts

the following is a list of organizations I obsess about so much calling them my gods would not be inaccurate:

(in order by level of worship, most to least)

1. Japan
2. Google
3. Linux
4. Wikipedia
5. Craigslist

ok- can't say I worship any organizations to a level remotely comparable to those above, so I guess I'll end there.

Now for other thoughts:

I often think about after death *see post "after death...?" , and every time I think about it my mind is boggled. I don't believe in heaven and hell, primarily to fundamental consistencies (you won't change my mind)- so that leaves non-existence. even if I am reincarnated, I will have no memory of my past life, so the me of now will eternally cease to exist. Well obviously not existing doesn't involve pain or negative emotions, but the whole idea feels so wrong...I suppose we developed in such a way that our logic contradicts the idea of non-existence, leading to a metaphorical cyclic redundancy, empty set, or repeating decimal. Or, perhaps it's just me- I never asked anyone about this particular thing, although I have acknowledged my own thoughts about this. I think it's amazing that non-existence makes perfect sense, but I cannot come to logically accept it. I'm curious as to whether this irony might be a hint pointing to the true meaning of life.

One of the only genres of movies that I have never been able to truly enjoy are comedies. I'm pretty sure I get all the humor- I don't don't find it funny. So I usually stick to romantic comedies. But I can't even truly them- because most of them involve problems that could easily be fixed on the spot with honesty and openness. If you don't like something tell them, if you think that something might cause problems for the relationship, just tell them. If you really love them, telling them everything shouldn't be a problem, and if they really love you, the truth shouldn't matter not matter what it is. That's pretty much a no-lose situation, but they always choose to cause trouble for themselves and others. Movies are supposed to be based on real life- so thinking about it can be really depressing- God I hope they aren't that many foolish people in this world. Perhaps I am being a bit close-minded, but I can't help but think how utterly moronic it is for people to not have honesty and openness in a relationship. Seriously, when there's nothing to lose, why is it people prefer to dig themself a grave instead? I just don't get it- someone, please help me to understand this seemingly foolish lifestyle that so many people appear to have.

Turn-Offs/Turn-Ons

although this is preliminary- I feel it is necessary to list the things (that I am aware of) that turn me on and off, both for my benefit, and for those who know me or wish to get to know me.

Turn-Offs:

1. Dislike of cold weather
2. Having little to no concern for the future
3. Having an excessive need for sex
4. Tendency to patronize
5. Highly influenced by mass-media/peer pressure
6. close-mindedness
7. A lack of knowledge and/or use thereof (i.e. using improper grammar on a regular basis)
8. Intelligence deficiency
9. A lack of ambition; laziness
10. Inability to seriously commit
11. Sexy

Turn-Ons:
1. Intelligence
2. Having an active knowledge of philosophy/psychology
3. Singing
4. Dancing
5. Brunette
6. Short in height
7. Taking an active interest in writing
8. Unique/Counter-cultural (within reason)
9. Strong love for music
10. Adventurous
11. Cute

Essence Of The Soul

This is a book I am creating, and as such this post will (hopefully) be updated from time to time...

Update: this post has been discontinued, not because I ran out of steam, but because the steam wasn't good enough. If you disagree- it doesn't mean that I'm too critical of my work- just means you have bad taste. If that is the case- for the sake of you having a more accurate feel for high quality literary works- I suggest that you do yourself a favor and force yourself to think this is boring, because if you do not- your life will be ruined by the buildup of mild delusions. Face reality (just as I am), and admit this story sucks. I intend to freshen my sense of creativity- and come out with something much better. Eventually this might be adapted into something else- but don't count on it.

Essence Of The Soul

by Justin Benjamin

By which method can one determine reality? We have guides all around us, things like the senses, logic, and the perceptions of those around us, but does it not vary from person to person, even if only the slightest? In addition, with all honesty we can only accept that this reality we are bound by is wholly attributed to the past. What if reality was something to be discovered, is something to be explored? Most choose to leave those questions unanswered, and accept the reality created by the past. Some indulge in determining their own fate, but “in reality” are still bound by the same legacy; many of these would not realize this even if they were told, because the vast majority of the rules bestowed upon us are painfully unsaid. It would seem that this would sum up all those that are governed by this antiquity in one way or another, But let us not forget the select few that make the choice to abandon these limitations and create their own reality- although some do not yet know they have made the choice.


Chapter 1- The mysterious piano


In the the elevator of Congress Library's Madison Building, all inside were backed against the walls, most of which seemed to be holding their breath...except one. Was this person dangerous? No. Did he have a deadly illness that was highly contagious. Most definitely not. But Jason Thomas did have a quality that seemed a novelty in this day and age- His life was not influenced by society in any way, shape or form. In fact, he actually influenced society. Not only that- his disconnection from the rules of society even extends to his ideas about life. To put it bluntly, he believes what he want to believe, and his logic is highly original. It should be noted that having a logic as unique as this prohibits believing in something that anyone but him came up with, which of course means he does not believe in Big Foot, aliens, and other supernatural phenomena that have echoes through the centuries.


However, this does not explain why all but himself are against the wall, barely drawing breath. Well, the answer to this is comparably simple- He had simply casually mentioned that he had a deadly and contagious disease, and went on to explain the details, endlessly (to those around him) building upon the fearful visual. Within the first 30 seconds, there was no doubt in anyone's mind that he indeed had the disease, and furthermore, was mentally unstable. Jason is actually one of the most honest people you'd ever meet, and probably is the most candid. That being said, how could he lie so convincingly? The answer would shock most, so try to keep an open mind- He can because he is so honest. Now before you get worked up about this paradox, Let me explain: Jason's honesty allowed him to realize that reality cannot be defined, or if it can that definition is not static. Thus, because at least one version of reality involves him having a deadly and highly contagious disease, He could easily believe it and cause others to as well. In truth, however, for him to get sick was so rare a thing that some may call it an omen. He could count the times he'd been sick in his life on his fingers.


Jason loved playing mind-games, although sometimes he loathed this about himself- people don't like others to mess with their heads, and so at times this hobby of his resulted in social isolation. The habit was so hard to break (since it's so damn fun), so he gave up trying to break it, although he still thinks about it on occasion. He also didn't care much for what people think about his actions. Not that he didn't take other's thoughts into consideration, but usually he found that his original thoughts were best. That's the kind of person he is. You could say that most of the time he just took in others' perspectives as a courtesy. Understandably, sometimes he wondered why he even bothered.


Now they had reached the first floor, and as the doors opened, all those inside scrambled out like bats out a cave. Jason gave himself a moment to take in the pleasantly comic scene, and then proceeded to head home. Pulling of acts like this are actually a daily occurrence for him, so you might wonder at what kind of person he is, having that much time on his hands. The truth may surprise you- the reason he has that much time on his hands is because pulling off acts like this is his job! Now as convenient as this may sound, most of the work isn't that easy. Sure he got to indulge in his favorite hobby, but that was only for ten minutes of each work day. The rest of the time, he wrote notes, analyzed data, researched statistics. These were all the things that he was good at, so I guess you could say it was the perfect job for him. The results of his work have a significant impact on the future of society, and he knows it- but the goals that he has in mind far exceed even that. Well, that being said, even Jason is not yet fully aware of the extent of his goals; much of this is still buried in his subconscious, waiting to be discovered.



After Jason got home, he received a call on his cell immediately after stepping out of the call. He heard the familiar trance tone he selected, and immediately knew that it was someone he did not know. The reason why he chose trance for these cases were that both trance music and the idea of getting calls from random people were both very exciting to him. Perhaps his anticipation was correct in this case...

But in this case it was someone he did know- it was his good friend Tony.

“Bet you were wondering who was calling, huh?” he remarked.

“Well actually, my cell just died, so I had to use the pay phone. I knew I should've replaced it by now, and speak of the devil!” Jason grinned.

“Well anyways, listen- there's these rumors going around about this mysterious piano. But these aren't the everyday rumors- no one has any actual information on it, and we all know if it was made up, someone would be a better job. I thought you'd want to check it out. Me personally, well you know me- I'm not the one interested in that stuff. Why don't you check it out?"

“You read my mind- hey Tony, did I ever tell you I have something of a hobby for playing piano?”

“No, you haven't. That being the case, what kept you from telling me until now?” Tony asked.

“Don't be silly- I just said it's something of a hobby. You know well that my other hobbies are a whole lot more that something. The truth is, I just never got around to telling you, or even thought about it. I was too preoccupied with those other hobbies, as I'm sure you understand.”

“Ok you got me, I give!” They both laugh. “Okay, I won't give away any spoilers, I know you wouldn't like that. The address is at 828 PROSPECT PL, 53703- so yeah, it's pretty near here. So I'll leave things at that- I'll catch you later then.”

Tony was more than a friend, he was a brother to Jason. Actually, he didn't follow the philosophy of 'blood's thicker than water.' Sure there is an undeniably convincing amount of history behind family bonds, But that was about the only thing that could support that type of thinking in his mind. Plus Jason never really spent much time with his family, so he didn't know any of them at all. One exception was his cousin Joy. But the ironic thing about it was that neither he nor any of his immediate family knew of her existence until after he had reached the age of majority. To this day, he still didn't know much about her, but he kind of liked it that way- so Jason didn't press her about her past.

So Jason got in the car, and headed down to the address he and Tony discussed, but halfway down there, something changed. he didn't know what it was, but was sure that it was important. It was a bit surprising, because there is the inevitable question "How could I know that something changed if I don't even have the slightest idea of what it might be?" But instead of worrying about this question, he marveled at it- and kept his mind occupied with what it might be. Not for long though- because soon he found such an engrossing thing was too dangerous while driving.

Upon reaching the place, Jason suddenly became aware of the location of the piano, as well as the things surrounding it...all while not knowing why. This is getting to be very interesting! he thought, but if he had been able to see into the future, I doubt he would have said that. Not that is wouldn't be very interesting, but that just those words wouldn't cover it. But not only was he aware of the piano, but he felt drawn to it- no just from interest, but almost magnetically. As he approached the piano, a song ran through his head- a beautiful song, no only that he'd never heard, but in a language he was sure was not from this earth. But at the same time the voice in the song did maintain an air of humanity. He felt a growing sense of calm at first, but just as a color spectrum blends together tones that normally clash, The feeling shifted to a a growing passion, melancholy, and ecstasy, as well as others. Awed by the utter splendor of the song, and the undeniable power it possessed, Jason was speechless. He had always be the inquisitive type- but never until now had the questions been so numerous, or so profound. He wanted answers, and knew there was probably only one way to find them.

So he sat at the bench, and began playing the song running through his head. This was not a problem, since Jason was an expert at improvisation. As he began to play, the voice began to changed to blend in harmony with the original song. Upon realizing this, Jason decided to take the challenge and concentrate on improvising the original part. The resulting piece was, quite frankly, out of this world; pity it wasn't recorded. As he continued to play, Jason began to see a shadow taking form beside him. This must be the owner of the voice, he thought. He was determined to learn more about this person, the secret behind the beauty of her voice, and how she was related to the mysterious piano, and the supernatural aura surrounding it. With that motivation, Jason continued playing with passion worthy of recognition. The shadow grew in clarity, and eventually took the form of what seemed to be female- but the bright and warm glow made it clear that she was not human. But at that point, the song drew to an end. At that moment, she began to fade. But before she had completely disappeared, he distinctly heard her say a few parting words.

"For the past few centuries, I have been trapped within this...piano. Well, at least that's what it is now...I don't have time to explain. I have been very lonely here, and you not only freed me from this prison, but helped me to remember the joy of the simple things in live. In thanks, I will bestow upon you some of the mysteries of the world."

With those words, she vanished completely, and to his great surprise, the piano along with her. At this point, Jason had a whole lot of questions and no answers, and he thought that quite ironic, especially since she had said that she would bestow upon him mysteries of the world. At least from th surface, it was quite the opposite- she had bestowed him the first mystery he had not solved...Well, of those that he had actually tried to- there are more mysteries than the whole world could even hope to solve in their lives. This being the case, it was clear to him that her words extended beyond human knowledge, and the truth would probably come with time.

So with that thought in mind, Jason decided to let the truth find him, and began to make his way back home. But even that being said, he was so absorbed in thought, he neglected to call Tony back, and when he decided to call Jason to see what was up- from the outside one could assume he was ignoring it. Finally, Jason heard it- and the shock could have driven him out of his skin if it were loosely attached (which fortunately it was not).

"Hey Jason, what's up? I was getting worried about you man- with you not calling and then all this time I've been calling you- I've been worried sick about you."That was an exaggeration, but it was true that Tony was worried. After all, there isn't a decent friend out there who wouldn't be/

"Yeah, sorry about that- I've been really deep in thought. Like you said, it really wasn't an ordinary mystery. Hey listen, sorry to do this to you, but can we wait till tomorrow to talk about it?"


"No problem- don't worry about it. That's my job. Well, guess I'll be looking forward to the details in anticipation. Hey listen- take care of yourself, okay?"


"I'll do that- thanks for your concern." The truth is, Jason didn't know why he felt the need to put off the talk. It's true that he was confused, but there was more to it than that. Something told him that he would be best off doing it that way. Perhaps the beginning of the revelations of which the unknown woman ("it"?) was referring. Well, it could have been just wishful thinking, but in this case Jason might not have been relatively close to the truth- or, perhaps the absence of it.

As he lay in bed, Jason was overwhelmed with what seemed to be a trance. Well, not that he would know, not having even been in one- but it was at least exactly what he imagined one to be. But as he "smoldered" in a daze, he became engrossed in the dancing of lights in the shadows of him apartment. He felt a mix of peace, ecstasy, and...Suddenly Jason realized that these all these feelings and the way they blended was exactly the same at it had just hours before while he was listening to the voice, and playing the piano in harmony with it. With that realization, he broke out of the trance instantaneously, and in the same moment realized that under normal circumstances, lights would not dance in the shadows at night.

Moments after that, he heard a voice speaking out to him. At first the words sounded like gibberish, and had a more chaotic tone, but intuitively he took the initiative and forcefully calmed himself. Then, he reasoned that since this voice was in his head, in order to communicate he had to speak on its terms, which in this case was telepathic. Who are you? I somehow feel that you are close to me, but at the same time far away. Please help me to understand what is going on. In all honesty, Jason was not even aware of that much until that instant. It was as if at the very moment that he established communication, a small glimpse of the truth had been revealed to him all at once. That, and he was also able to respond under those pretexts at the same time. Well, perhaps it was a bit different, but there are only so many explanations available, considering that the time frame is limited to milliseconds.


I am very surprised that we are even able to communicate- this has never happened before. Not in the trillions of years that we have existed. I know everything about you- but, as it is to be expected, you know nothing about me. Normally universal law states that we are not to enlighten humans of the true nature of things, or about their connection to ourselves. But it seems that another of our kind has already done so- and, as is the nature of these things, there is no going back. I don't know if this is for better or worse, but if you don't mind I plan to take full advantage of this once in a lifetime opportunity.

At these words, Jason became exhausted, and once again fell into a trance. When he finally came to, he was in a world unlike any other. Next to him was a man, glowing with the same radiance of that of the woman that night, and also taking a similar form. Rather than questioning his surrounding (he knew better) Jason took the initiative and began the introductions. "Since you know everything about me, it's only fair that I know a bit about you. let's start with your name."

"Good question- and the answer is not so simple. Souls- if that is what you would call us, do not have names. The reason for this is that we could not bear to taken on such superficial traditions. Instead, we prefer to familiarize ourselves with each other's auras-the signature or dna of each individual soul. This is especially appropriate since we only communicate telepathically."

"On that note, I noticed that right now we are not using that method, but instead as "humans" do. Explain to me how this works."

"Ah, yes, of course! See, I've enveloped us in an illusion for your convenience- seeing as how it can be a bit awkward, if not disconcerting for one such as yourself to communicate in the "normal" manner.

"One more thing...-" he was cut off. "Perhaps it would be better if I read your mind and give you all the answers in an instant."

"That would be quite convenient...ok go right ahead."

In that moment Jason learned of this place, of the connection between souls, and several things were cleared up with the answers he was given. To be safe, the soul only informed him of the bare essentials, partly because the development of the human brain was a group effort- and as such no single person had an completely accurate understanding of it. Another reason was because communicating with humans directly, although has happened, only happens about once every 100 years, and only in special circumstance. Thus, the nature of such communication is fundamentally experimental.

The place in which they were currently "conversing" was a middle-ground between dimensions, the realities of souls and of humans. This soul, which prior to these events had been assigned to him, was able to take Jason here using dreams as a catalyst. The reason why it could be done in this way is because this area was the closest to the human psyche- and as such could be reached by an ordinary human while dreaming. At some some point in their life, most humans actually have crossed over to the dimension of souls- but because it is a dream, few if any have ever been able to realize understand, or believe this knowledge- simply because "it was only a dream." This place is conveniently also the best place for humans to exchange thoughts on a subconscious level, which of course is the best way to exchange thoughts- because there is no better way to ensure applying knowledge effectively.

Even a stranger with an untrained eye would see this place as a utopia, and Jason, a more prepared and open-minded individual, could fully appreciate the magnificence and splendor of it all.