Playing The Victim

As much as I'd like to say that I've spent years giving life my all to have reached this point- truth be told, it has only been about a year since I actually started taking life seriously, facing reality- or, more accurately, myself. To add to that (or should I say subtract)- the first 6 months of that year were nullified as they were laid waste to by the utter chaos, drama, and negative emotion that I experienced during that time. This was to be expected- after all, when I stopped taking my medications, withdrawal effect is inevitable. Stopping taking medication was most certainly for the best, but I had been taking significantly high doses for an extended period of time- it took a while for my mind to adapt. So now I've begun thinking, "If I have advanced so far in just 6 months, why have I failed to get beyond this point in my nearly 20 years of living experience?" Of course, the first 10-15 years I was still developing- but for at 4-5 years, I have failed to grasp the amazing amount of opportunities of life that (being who I am) I have inherited.


That's not to say that I regret the path I have taken in the journey of life thus far- after all, were it not as such, I may have not been able in this manner in retrospect, and would not have been saturated with this inspiration with such force as to properly use that newfound knowledge towards living the best I can in the future. In addition, there are many experiences that I could not have had otherwise, so I am grateful for that knowledge. (Even if it doesn't nearly qualify as "sophisticated". But still, it would clearly be foolish not to take into consideration the potential that I could have had- for only then can I truly muster the motivation needed to achieve my potential.

The other day, I assumed the role of a therapist by listening to a coworker, and offering advice regarding their emotional problems and the presumed causes thereof. She seemed to be suffering from acute depression, which rooted back to a more-than-unfriendly encounter with and old guy in Germany. My coworker claimed that the comments that he forced on her (which in retrospect, make no logical sense) essentially ruined her life, effectively locking her away in a psychological hole, and preventing her from moving on with life, for all intensive purposes. (for the record, that was not what she said, but rather a sophisticated elaborated paraphrase on my part). My advice to her, was that the first step towards curing depression, is to blame yourself for whatever happens, regardless of the circumstances- instead of blaming others. While this may sound harsh from the surface, such an action gives the respective individuals complete power over the situation.

Regardless of how qualified someone is to "play the victim", indulgence in it is never the best course of action. Victims are, by nature, helpless. They cannot do anything at all except wait (*note that once a victim is saved, they are no longer victims). If, or as long as they are not saved, victims are essentially useless. However, if an individual places blame upon themselves, it puts them in complete control. Even if that power is achieved in a negative way, it's crucially important for individuals to recognize the power that each of us have over our own lives. Only then can we begin to bring about positive changes in the quality of our lives.

There are few individuals more qualified than I am for making statements such as these- after all, I have a significantly long history of "playing the victim" (about 4-5 years of it). When, due to strenuous circumstances, I was forcibly separated from my parents by social services, I remained suspended in shock (due to post-traumatic stress) for a few months. After about 5 months in the children's shelter to which I was relocated, I was taken in by my aunt- still too confused to comprehend the chaos that had saturated my life. I spent roughly 2 1/2 year living with my aunt, enjoying a relatively normal life, and even having the luxury of attending private schools. But then, without any warning, she announced on Christmas day that she was taking me back to the children's shelter in the morning. On December 26, 2002- she actually went through with it. After residing at the children's shelter for 2 more months, I began my chaotic trek through the group home system. Although I did not gain awareness of it until much later, it was then that I began blaming the "system" for how pathetic my life had become- from then on, I hated the "system" with a passion.

My misdirected enmity and victim-like mindset rapidly grew like a virus; the increase in variety and dosage of various medication further instigated further issues. Aside from not actually needing medication to begin with, there is one crucial problem with the effects of most psychological medications: In addition to the inevitably inconvenient side-effects, they also have a tendency to increase inhibitions. While the purpose is served by, under more mild circumstances, successfully calming the patient- this also results in a more passive outlook towards reality, which keeps patients from facing and dealing with reality. As a result, I was not able to determine and solve the many issues that I had accumulated amidst the chaos surrounding me for quite some time. I was "playing the victim", but, due in part to the medications, I was not even aware of it. As such a mindset reflects badly upon performance, my grades continued to suffer. In addition, "playing the victim" naturally makes anyone an easy target for bullying- this is likely a large part of why I was subject to this kind of mistreatment. Because I was focused on such petty things, I failed to recognize many important elements of socialization, and so performed poorly in this area as well. I simply lived life "in the moment", and never gave a thought as to what kind of person I wanted to be, or even what I wanted to do later on in life. I had an incredible amount of potential, but I could not develop or recognize it because of this one simple thing.

Now that I am off medication, I realize that I was "playing the victim". I am continually amazed at how much better the "system" was than I gave it credit for. To be honest, in retrospect I would say they spoiled me too much. I would never have even imagined the possibility of myself saying those words. I would have been the "worst of blasphemies". That being said, some of the best advice that I can give for life is don't.....(you know the words)

Enlightenment

In my post "a lot of thinking", I mentioned having a feeling that I had never felt before- one that I could not even determine the name for it. Despite it having such an ambiguous aura to it, Something about it also had the definite aura of being highly important. I felt that if I could pinpoint this ever-evasive feeling, I would be given a glimpse of the meaning life, and priceless insights into the nature of it. Although it would be impossible for me to confirm such an abstract thing as this, I believe that as of now, I have indeed achieve pinpointing that feeling. This is not to say that I can name it (all things considered, such a cosmically important and unique feeling could not possibly have a name). Rather, I now understand the importance and meaning of this feeling. Although I cannot remember exactly when, or even how this landmark revelation manifested itself, for the past few days since, this feeling has continued to further clarify itself, and its presence has amplified several times over since.

Adding to this already incredible scenario, I have, at the same time, gained perfection of the two qualities that, up to this point, I have desired most: Peace and Satisfaction. I have finally reached the point where I have wholly achieved and mastered two of the most vital elements key to success among humans. Well, I say finally, but, truth be told, It has only been 6 or so months since I began writing, and of that a mere couple months since I have seriously aspired to find the meaning of life. At this point though- every day, I live a lifetime- and that's no exaggeration. It really is a wonderful feeling- Time itself has become irrelevant.

Now when I look at and think about the state of the world, I only see beauty and perfection. The world was always just as beautiful and perfect, I just failed to notice it until now. I look forward to sharing the sights I see with all willing and open-minded enough to receive it- after all, Anyone can share with me this feeling- all that is needed is for those of the world to accept it. I get a sort of irony thinking about it- this concept kind of reminds me of one of the core Christian creeds "He gives the gift- all that we need to do is receive it". But anyway, I feel that this is one of the most, if not the most important thing I've realized. Of course, words cannot properly convey it to you, but hopefully, someday you'll look back and say "so that's what he was talking about..." Seeing the world in this way, and time becoming so irrelevant, I feel that I have become a god, or "Buddha" (if you will)

"Everything will turn out just the way it's meant to, regardless of the outcome"- that's the way I see it.

Oops

this is the continuation of the "Betrayal" and "Friendship" posts, and as such is preserved in its original email form.

as I said several times (although I sensed you had inadvertently misunderstood) I have no opinion as to whether we should continue. or rather, I have mixed feelings that cancel each other out, thus preventing me from being able to make a decision. as such, I left the decision up to you. you said that you deleted all the emails. that really is a pity (if you did), because there is a lot of good content (IMO) in them, both in intellectual and nostalgic respects.

I don't know how to make you believe me, but the course of events is not something that I wanted. not that I did not want it either- optimistic as I am, I feel that both of us can learn and grow from these experiences.

On one hand, I think interaction between us would be healthy in many ways. But on the other, I would feel guilty continuing relations considering it would be highly unbalanced. After thinking about it for a long time, I have concluded that I have never had friends. friendship is something that is supposed to happen naturally, which means (a) I am missing something or (b) I am not capable of making friends. optimistic as I am, I am acting on the basis that I am simply missing something, but there lies the problem of what that was. I sent you an email confirming that it was probably a result of my aunt, but after thinking further, I have decided that this is unlikely the reason. I think it's unlikely that it had any affect, but- though I cannot be sure, I am almost positive that I never had friends, even before that. I have always struggled with making friends (I first became aware of the problem when I entered 1st grade of grammar school. It's much more likely that, wanting to have friends like everyone else, for social reasons and also to "fit in", I gave myself the illusion that I had friends, when I in fact did not. there were people who I was a friend to, yourself included, but I could not reciprocate. I feel that there is a good possibility that my lack of planning and organization (despite having a great eye for detail) are defense mechanisms I created to cope and adapt to the otherwise harsh reality. If I was more mature, and/or people around me (especially my parents/guardians) had been aware of the problem, I could have dealt with it, but this is not the case. Unfortunately, you were the last in a long line of one-sided friendships- but on the bright side, you are not alone. You are the only one that has experienced full awareness of being thrust out of the illusion. Hopefully you can be consoled a little by the positive impact you had on my life, even if it was inadvertent.

I am continually confounded by the implications of me not having friends. I search my memories in retrospect each day and find new insights into an otherwise mysterious past. There are all kinds of things that, when looking at them in this new light, provide both a unique kind of humor and ironic truth. I do not regret the way things have turned out thus far- in fact I would have preferred it this way. I firmly believe that for me to have reached this point, all that has happened, both negative and positive, was vital for it. You may have had to suffer for me to reap these benefits, and I sympathize as much as I am (honestly) capable. I promise that the success that I reach in life as a result of these events will outweigh the trouble that I have caused you, so rest assured.

you are free to contact me, or invite me over, but I want to make sure that you understand the status of things. I can learn to respect you, but it will be out of habit, not out of love. habits can be forced into being, but love can only happen naturally, just as friendship does. ps.- you were right about love and respect going hand and hand. while respect can be made a habit, true respect (respect that comes naturally) can only happen with love. Perhaps I could be a "friend" to you, as a way of making up for the trouble I've caused. by that, I mean that I will take the initiative and forcibly make you the most important person in my life. Now that I am aware of the truth, there is the possibility that I may naturally become actual friends with you. There also lies the possibility that friendship can be gained with habits. Outside instinct, friendship and love may just be habits that come naturally. If that is the case, friendship and love can be made a reality through pure effort. (any habit that comes naturally can potentially also be forced) I think I'd like to look into this as it would be a good alternative for one such as myself. I know fully that you do not agree with the validity of these views, but you have to admit, it would be fortunate if they were valid, in these circumstances- right? just some food for thought...

so hopefully we can reach a point where we can continue relations, even if it is compromised. Life isn't perfect- hopefully you can appreciate my imperfection, just as I have learned to appreciate the imperfection of life. (see my Enlightenment post)