true tribulations

When I was a Christian, I found it so hard to understand what was so hard about living your life by the book. After all, the Bible usually says to life a certain way because it's the best way- so on that basis following it would be in our best interests whether we are a Christian or not. Since then, I have come to disagree with many of the Bible's core values, but it nevertheless still makes up a vital part of the basis for my morals, simply because it's right about a lot of things. And to top it all off, I had complete peace regarding what happened after death. I was nieve, but I have to say, ignorance is bliss. True tribulations (and this is coming from a person with 16 years experience being a Christian) do not come from holding on to a religion, but from not being able to believe in one. I cannot believe in any religion, Because my brute honesty about myself prohibits it. Maybe not to you, but to me it is clear that no religion on the face of this planet is entirely correct- It's very likely that none are even remotely close. I myself am agnostic, but that's not actually a religion- but rather a philosophy. It's about as close as I can get to having a religion though.

So, as a result, I have no idea what happens after I die. Based on this, it probably doesn't make any difference when I die- but I, as a human being with ambitions and the urge to make the best of life despite this uncertainty, am determined to live a long and fulfilled life nevertheless. Christians are so lucky- they can honestly and wholeheartedly accept what the Bible says happens after death, with no doubt or concern; and as a result, peace. For the most part I can indulge in this ecstasy (although for different reasons), but on occasion I cannot help but ask the question- at which point such concerns are inevitable.

Since for the past 16 years I had been a Christian, most of my friends are such; as a result, after happening upon the fated realization (brownie points to anyone who got the joke), most of those friends I've lost contact with (although there are many other reasons for this). I still have Christian friends, but we cannot share as close of a relationship as we did, probably because it's hard for them to hang around me and maintain a carefree stance- since in their mind I'm going to hell. I don't know what affect this has on this, but an inside joke that I've made something of a habit is openly admitting that I'm going to hell (of course referring to their perspective, not mine.)

Come to think of it- my type of girl is probably likely to be a Christian. Perhaps this is because, since I was a Christian all that time- my personality adapted to accommodate these standards, to ensure better socialization. If this is the case, I may have "cursed" myself (metaphorically) when I renounced Christianity. Well, then again, there's probably plenty of girls of that type that aren't Christians- perhaps I should go for girls interested in the fine arts?

In retrospect, I don't regret my decision at all though. although there have been many social setbacks, I have gained much in self-awareness, as well a better understanding of people from all walks of life, which as a Christian (I know) would not have been possible. Plus, I can always make new friends, and it's best this way, since as a result I was able to adapt and grow, rather than the less pleasant, and (unfortunately) prevalent alternative tragedy that befalls those of a similar past.