Friendship

The 2nd half contains material I copied from an email I sent

Recently, I discovered something very unexpected about myself- perhaps the answer to the mystery of why I have never been able to hold onto friends. After all, I am well aware of the popularity I've had at times, and that I have many qualities that are considered the foundation of good friendships. I have taken into account that due to misconceptions, I've made a habit of only pursuing friendship with girls until recently (when I became aware that certain things were misconceptions- the primary one being that I felt I could only "connect" well with girls. This eventually escalated the the idea that I was a "tomgirl" which- although having some truth to it, was obviously an exaggerated truth.) I've also lost around 50 or so phone #'s over the years- which would include both girl's #'s I collected, and almost all friends I have had in the past 8 years (all friends prior to that were effectively lost due to inevitable circumstances beyond my control- not that I had many friends at that time anyway)

But there is another factor which I think would make much more sense of things. A while ago, I became aware that I was missing a factor in my current friendship. I dubbed that factor "closeness"- and it refers to the fact that I do not feel -from which I had derived from my observations about friendship, a sort of feeling that should be universal to all friendships. This of course is ambiguous, and so I was not able to make use of this new-found knowledge. But just recently, I made a breakthrough regarding this. For anyone that I have ever been friends with, I would not be the least bothered if I were to lose contact with them, if they were to die, or similar extremes. Anyone reading this is probably thinking something like- "If that's the case, you never gave a sh*&t about anyone, and thus never had any friends". That may be the case, I honestly don't know. I guess it depends on how you would define "give a sh*&"- for example, I have been, and am in love. But the person that I am in love with, I will never been able to contact again due to certain unlucky circumstances. But I do not feel any sense of loss about this. I suppose it's very complicated- I have feelings of love towards someone I have been prevented from seeing for going on 3 years...yet I do not miss them at all. I treasure the feelings in my heart- and that's the end of it.

but honestly, I'm not sure I want to fix it. after all, there are little to no advantages to friendship- when I compare my own style with that of friendship, it's abundantly clear that friendship has much more negatives than positive. history has proven that people always treat out-of-the-norm human behaviors as an illness, and sometimes do not recognize the advantages decades, or centuries later. I believe this to be the case with myself, and so perhaps attempting to achieve closeness might not be a logically wise decision.

but it really depends on the way you look at it. I could be friends with people my whole life, and they would not know they are not mine until I tell them. Our "friendship" has demonstrated that as long as I treated you with "respect" and ignored my own stance on things, it would be the same as if you were also my friend. after all, the line between illusion and reality is very thin in respect to friendship.

One of the abilities that I prize most about myself is my deductive reasoning. 90-95+% of the contents of this blog are entirely original- meaning that I could copyright that much without being charged with plagiarism. From time to time I come across information that is the product of years of research- that confirms what I myself determined independently (without any references). Here is an example that is related to this post:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_bond

and what I wrote nearly 3 months ago on the subject:

http://jbcandid.blogspot.com/2007/09/reality-of-love_12.html

Ironically (although I had not realized this at the time) this apparently does not apply to me. No matter how many memories I share with someone, or how memorable they are, not only will our bond not (mutually) strengthen, but (at least for me) there will not ever be one in the first place.

But even if it is not logical, I will continue to search for the answer as to why that I am unable to have a bond with others. As I implied earlier in the post, I have never had a psychological bond with anyone. This of course also means that This problem has existed from as long as I can remember. Since children are less aware of this kind of thing (that part is not yet developed) It could be that I was "born" with it- which, if that were the case, it would not be fixable. I also implied that this might be the result of an illness. I was referring to Asperger Syndrome- which when considering the lack of empathy and social awareness, could contribute to this factor. Despite critics contending that the majority of patients "need help", there is significant evidence that some of the world's greatest minds, including Emily Dickinson, Andy Warhol, and Albert Einstein had Asperger Syndrome. How I relate to this is documented in Asperger's.