Self-awareness

Although for all practical purposes the symptoms have disappeared, I am fairly sure that I still have bipolar disorder (AKA manic-depressive). Over time, I realized the importance of self-awareness, and thus made it my mission to know myself as much as possible. Eventually this turned into something of an obsession, as you may notice is mirrored in my writing. Self-awareness became a character trait much in the same way as honesty- in that I always considered myself self-aware, but I wasn't actually and truly self-aware until I made it my identity. When a person makes something their identity, it is different from just considering yourself to have those qualities.

The difference lies in the amount of dedication to ensuring that the quality significantly reflects in your life. For example, a person can say they are a Christian, give offerings, go to church, read the Bible, and believe that every word of the Bible is the word of God, divine truth. I have known many people like that- in fact, almost every Christian I've met follows that criteria. But to actually and truly be a Christian, you must own that quality, and make it your identity. To truly be a Christian, you must actively evangelize, volunteer in choirs and overseas missions- for you to truly be a Christian, people must know without a doubt that your life's mission is none other than to serve God as best as you possibly can. Any lower level of effort and you are nothing more than a "wannabe"

Because I made self-awareness my identity, I was able to get rid of much negativity in my life. Each time I am angry, I determine the exact reason why I was angry, and rationalize why there is no reason to be angry because of that. Truth be told, there is no reason on this world that rationalizes anger- since anger in and of itself only results in negative consequences. I don't care if the psychologists say "you have every right to be angry"- sure you have a right to be angry, but just because you have a right doesn't mean you should take advantage of it- that's common sense.

There is one thing that an easy rationalization cannot prevent the anger- and that is I get angry whenever anyone say anything related to me personally. Even if they intended it positively, it still runs the risk of making me angry. Just because it relates to me does not mean that I will get angry (I have to perceive it as a criticism) but because there is the risk, I will keep in mind to try to fix that- since it is the only area that I will still get angry about- to date.

This may already be apparent, but the main type of thing that gets me angry when it comes to the above- is patronization. This is detailed in the "Patronized" post.

When it comes to depression- it's a bit easier. Depression, in accordance with its passive nature- can be stopped before it actually takes effect- because the preliminary symptoms are relatively easy to deal with. Unfortunately, most people (at one time myself included) are not aware as to how to take steps to stop it- and sometimes (due to a lack of self-awareness) they are not even aware of their depression until it's too late.

Bipolar runs in cycles- which, with sufficient awareness, makes it easy to predict when manic and depressive states will occur. There are many forms of bipolar, with each one having a different amount of time between each shift of cycle. The shorter cycles are obviously harder to deal with- do to the lack of time to adapt- and furthermore are more extreme in nature for roughly the same reason. Fortunately I have been "blessed" with a more spread-out bipolar- so, since most people, bipolar or no- get depressed or angry- in conjunction with my high self-awareness, I am better off emotionally than them, since I actually know when I will get angry or depressed- most people don't.

Getting back to depression, I should be depressed a lot- and I would know, since although I do not actually get depressed, I experience the first symptoms quite frequently. However, at the very first symptoms, I stop thinking about whatever I am at the time immediately, and literally make a habit of staying away from pessimistic thoughts. To date, the longest depression I have had in about 1.5 years in 1/2 an hour. The reason for that (I remember clearly) was that I realized that I was unable to create a decent resume, since I had no work experience whatsoever. But after about 1/2 an hour, I decided to just go with it, and focus on the strengths I had. The inspiration and motivation was entirely self-induced- I forced myself to make it. The result is here: My Resume

I get the feeling that I should have a lot of issues, but that the problems went aware simply because I made self-awareness my identity. The obsession I gave to it probably "saved my life" (to hyperbolize.)