Overprotective

When I was in 7th grade, I participated in a church drama, as the lead role. In retrospect- I see this as the reason for my popularity there, Los Gatos Christian Church; however, until fairly recently I was not even aware that I was popular there. My whole life, or at least until 9 months ago, I lived life in the moment, never looking back- and as a consequence there are many things that I was not aware of...Moving on- at the conclusion of the play, my aunt (who I was living with at the time) remarked that a girl named Elyse Mardock really enjoyed my performance. They say some can fall in love at first sight- but I believe just hearing those words marked the beginnings of my love for her. Conveniently, my aunt was good friends with the Mardock family- and they worked together in several ministries- especially the children's choir (then called "Kid's Vocal Band", presumably as a homage to the Gaither group). I helped Elyse out with the kids, and while our parents (I called my aunt "mom" the entire time I was living with her) organized events and worked with the other teams and choir, Elyse and I spent a lot of time together. We spent a lot of time exploring the church, talking about unimportant things, and she disclosed to me a few of her secrets.

This went on well for a few years, and it was not until a few weeks ago that I uncovered where the trouble actually began. Before that I was sure that it was sudden, in part because I still lived my life "in the moment"- and as such did not realize the signs around me or make the connections. I did not possess the maturity and wisdom to do so. But after carefully thinking...the trouble started when my aunt returned me to the children's shelter. But perhaps some of it began before that; Knowing her, my aunt probably informed Elyse's parents that I was now on medication for mental illness, which naturally created a surge in the risk factor. But my aunt actually deciding to drop me off was probably the catalyst that triggered the ever-increasing paranoia. Well, I thought of it as paranoia at the time (hence the post title), but now I understand that they had good reason.

From the very start, the family was aware that I had lived in a dysfunctional family, and thus subject to the influence to the so-called "post-traumatic stress" (PTSD). To begin with, the Mardocks were very dedicated to ensuring that their children live a future that they intended. Some parents take a non-interventionist style- But it should be obvious that for parents to expect kids to turn out well, they might have to be a Helicopter parent. With my background, I had a high risk-factor to begin with. I was an unnecessary risk- they didn't need me to be friends with their daughter. I have to admit if I was in their shoes, I wouldn't have been so generous- after all, for a parent, children are one of the only means they can leave a mark on the future that can be wholly attributed to themselves (Not that it's a good idea to go that far- being the sole influence of your child is likely to result in antisocial personality traits/behaviorisms). It's likely that the reason I was able to maintain the relationship with my Elyse was because my aunt endorsed it. After my aunt returned me to the shelter, my credibility was lost- and that loss multiplied by my "mental instability" at the time.

For these reasons, they became cautious and limited contact. Although I was not consciously aware of this, my insecurity led to a sort of desperate need to be with her whenever possible. This led to more trouble, and higher levels of what seemed at that point to be paranoia. I dropped out of church for a while, partially because of a lack of transportation...But one day, misinterpreting a group home staff's advice, I confessed my love for her via phone. This action led to a church conference, followed with a warning that if I were to be seen attending the church following the age of majority (18) a restraining order would be put in place. As a result, I left my church, and the multiple friends I had made (I was still very popular, perhaps even more so). But after thinking about it now, and putting all the pieces together- I realize that their actions were justified. In addition, I am grateful for the time they permitted me to spend with Elyse- who was, and still is, my first and only true love.