Individuality

There is a question that I dread asking, but am even more concerned with not asking it. I know that I may never find the answer to the question- and as such this paradoxical fear is essentially counterproductive, as its merits are yet to be seen. The question is simple- although the answer is so complex that it has boggled mankind through the ages- "Who am I?" Now you may already have found an answer to who you really are, but have you really? Now keep in mind I am not referring to our place in society, or personality traits, or ideas or beliefs...nor am I referring to money, reputation. Everyone has a need to feel that they are special- that they have things that no one else has- have contributed in ways no one else could, and that they have a lifestyle so unique that no one else could hope to model it. But when all is said and done- we are all the same, ordinary human beings.

Despite this knowledge, I still search for things within myself that possess that ideal level of originality- simply because my logic, psyche, and ego will not face up to this harsh truth. People all try to find identities to fill this gap- to put off the inevitable- some, if not most- actually succeeding, with the price of lying to themselves to the very end. Perhaps this should be acceptable though- after all, ignorance is bliss- when we consider the harsh truth. People adopt religions, stereotypes, traditions, cultural influences of all sorts. All of it fake, no doubt- but it's not like people think about it- to accept these as fake would be to accept their doom in a sense, so it's only natural to just go along with what others say, even if it's wrong. In this way, leaders took power by giving people things to go on- the more fleeting the dream, the stronger the cause.

It really is ironic though- that people, to feel special as individuals- unite as a group for the sake of a cause. I would think that they would realize that following the crowd is the exact opposite of being more special- but that seems to be the way of things for people. Perhaps they don't follow the crowd to feel special at all- maybe they're just insecure. I've toyed with the possibility that in the past people did things the same way- but in order to survive, some underwent psychological evolution that allowed for these illusions. False hope gave us a reason to move forward. To this day I'm still unsure how to respond to questions about how well I am doing. Fun, satisfaction, confidence, happiness, peace- they're all illusions. In retrospect, when I think of what would be considered "fun" times- all I see is activities that succeeded in temporarily satisfying my desires at the time. When those times were over, I no longer felt those feelings. To think of "the past" as being fun seems so shallow and fake to me, because it's all temporary, lacking substance, and as such illusions in my book.

Right now it's true I am more on the downside, but it's not the first time, nor will it be the last. The reason I have these perspectives are not because of my emotions- rather- I have these emotions because I have a clearer picture of the truth. Normally I can, like everyone else- ignore it- but now that I can see it most clearly I have decided to make note of it- so that I will not regret putting it off further.

I will continue to ask this question "who am I" there may be a chance I can come up with a definite answer- although such a thing is less likely than winning the lottery I suppose. I have often speculated that if I were to trace all my personality traits and behaviors and the chronology of which I came to hold certain beliefs and perspectives as acceptable truth- I would be able to gain a glimpse, or hint, of who I really am. To be optimistic, I may have something of a head-start- because never in my wildest dreams of a few years ago would I have even imagined myself being "who I am" today.