Oops

this is the continuation of the "Betrayal" and "Friendship" posts, and as such is preserved in its original email form.

as I said several times (although I sensed you had inadvertently misunderstood) I have no opinion as to whether we should continue. or rather, I have mixed feelings that cancel each other out, thus preventing me from being able to make a decision. as such, I left the decision up to you. you said that you deleted all the emails. that really is a pity (if you did), because there is a lot of good content (IMO) in them, both in intellectual and nostalgic respects.

I don't know how to make you believe me, but the course of events is not something that I wanted. not that I did not want it either- optimistic as I am, I feel that both of us can learn and grow from these experiences.

On one hand, I think interaction between us would be healthy in many ways. But on the other, I would feel guilty continuing relations considering it would be highly unbalanced. After thinking about it for a long time, I have concluded that I have never had friends. friendship is something that is supposed to happen naturally, which means (a) I am missing something or (b) I am not capable of making friends. optimistic as I am, I am acting on the basis that I am simply missing something, but there lies the problem of what that was. I sent you an email confirming that it was probably a result of my aunt, but after thinking further, I have decided that this is unlikely the reason. I think it's unlikely that it had any affect, but- though I cannot be sure, I am almost positive that I never had friends, even before that. I have always struggled with making friends (I first became aware of the problem when I entered 1st grade of grammar school. It's much more likely that, wanting to have friends like everyone else, for social reasons and also to "fit in", I gave myself the illusion that I had friends, when I in fact did not. there were people who I was a friend to, yourself included, but I could not reciprocate. I feel that there is a good possibility that my lack of planning and organization (despite having a great eye for detail) are defense mechanisms I created to cope and adapt to the otherwise harsh reality. If I was more mature, and/or people around me (especially my parents/guardians) had been aware of the problem, I could have dealt with it, but this is not the case. Unfortunately, you were the last in a long line of one-sided friendships- but on the bright side, you are not alone. You are the only one that has experienced full awareness of being thrust out of the illusion. Hopefully you can be consoled a little by the positive impact you had on my life, even if it was inadvertent.

I am continually confounded by the implications of me not having friends. I search my memories in retrospect each day and find new insights into an otherwise mysterious past. There are all kinds of things that, when looking at them in this new light, provide both a unique kind of humor and ironic truth. I do not regret the way things have turned out thus far- in fact I would have preferred it this way. I firmly believe that for me to have reached this point, all that has happened, both negative and positive, was vital for it. You may have had to suffer for me to reap these benefits, and I sympathize as much as I am (honestly) capable. I promise that the success that I reach in life as a result of these events will outweigh the trouble that I have caused you, so rest assured.

you are free to contact me, or invite me over, but I want to make sure that you understand the status of things. I can learn to respect you, but it will be out of habit, not out of love. habits can be forced into being, but love can only happen naturally, just as friendship does. ps.- you were right about love and respect going hand and hand. while respect can be made a habit, true respect (respect that comes naturally) can only happen with love. Perhaps I could be a "friend" to you, as a way of making up for the trouble I've caused. by that, I mean that I will take the initiative and forcibly make you the most important person in my life. Now that I am aware of the truth, there is the possibility that I may naturally become actual friends with you. There also lies the possibility that friendship can be gained with habits. Outside instinct, friendship and love may just be habits that come naturally. If that is the case, friendship and love can be made a reality through pure effort. (any habit that comes naturally can potentially also be forced) I think I'd like to look into this as it would be a good alternative for one such as myself. I know fully that you do not agree with the validity of these views, but you have to admit, it would be fortunate if they were valid, in these circumstances- right? just some food for thought...

so hopefully we can reach a point where we can continue relations, even if it is compromised. Life isn't perfect- hopefully you can appreciate my imperfection, just as I have learned to appreciate the imperfection of life. (see my Enlightenment post)