Playing The Victim

As much as I'd like to say that I've spent years giving life my all to have reached this point- truth be told, it has only been about a year since I actually started taking life seriously, facing reality- or, more accurately, myself. To add to that (or should I say subtract)- the first 6 months of that year were nullified as they were laid waste to by the utter chaos, drama, and negative emotion that I experienced during that time. This was to be expected- after all, when I stopped taking my medications, withdrawal effect is inevitable. Stopping taking medication was most certainly for the best, but I had been taking significantly high doses for an extended period of time- it took a while for my mind to adapt. So now I've begun thinking, "If I have advanced so far in just 6 months, why have I failed to get beyond this point in my nearly 20 years of living experience?" Of course, the first 10-15 years I was still developing- but for at 4-5 years, I have failed to grasp the amazing amount of opportunities of life that (being who I am) I have inherited.


That's not to say that I regret the path I have taken in the journey of life thus far- after all, were it not as such, I may have not been able in this manner in retrospect, and would not have been saturated with this inspiration with such force as to properly use that newfound knowledge towards living the best I can in the future. In addition, there are many experiences that I could not have had otherwise, so I am grateful for that knowledge. (Even if it doesn't nearly qualify as "sophisticated". But still, it would clearly be foolish not to take into consideration the potential that I could have had- for only then can I truly muster the motivation needed to achieve my potential.

The other day, I assumed the role of a therapist by listening to a coworker, and offering advice regarding their emotional problems and the presumed causes thereof. She seemed to be suffering from acute depression, which rooted back to a more-than-unfriendly encounter with and old guy in Germany. My coworker claimed that the comments that he forced on her (which in retrospect, make no logical sense) essentially ruined her life, effectively locking her away in a psychological hole, and preventing her from moving on with life, for all intensive purposes. (for the record, that was not what she said, but rather a sophisticated elaborated paraphrase on my part). My advice to her, was that the first step towards curing depression, is to blame yourself for whatever happens, regardless of the circumstances- instead of blaming others. While this may sound harsh from the surface, such an action gives the respective individuals complete power over the situation.

Regardless of how qualified someone is to "play the victim", indulgence in it is never the best course of action. Victims are, by nature, helpless. They cannot do anything at all except wait (*note that once a victim is saved, they are no longer victims). If, or as long as they are not saved, victims are essentially useless. However, if an individual places blame upon themselves, it puts them in complete control. Even if that power is achieved in a negative way, it's crucially important for individuals to recognize the power that each of us have over our own lives. Only then can we begin to bring about positive changes in the quality of our lives.

There are few individuals more qualified than I am for making statements such as these- after all, I have a significantly long history of "playing the victim" (about 4-5 years of it). When, due to strenuous circumstances, I was forcibly separated from my parents by social services, I remained suspended in shock (due to post-traumatic stress) for a few months. After about 5 months in the children's shelter to which I was relocated, I was taken in by my aunt- still too confused to comprehend the chaos that had saturated my life. I spent roughly 2 1/2 year living with my aunt, enjoying a relatively normal life, and even having the luxury of attending private schools. But then, without any warning, she announced on Christmas day that she was taking me back to the children's shelter in the morning. On December 26, 2002- she actually went through with it. After residing at the children's shelter for 2 more months, I began my chaotic trek through the group home system. Although I did not gain awareness of it until much later, it was then that I began blaming the "system" for how pathetic my life had become- from then on, I hated the "system" with a passion.

My misdirected enmity and victim-like mindset rapidly grew like a virus; the increase in variety and dosage of various medication further instigated further issues. Aside from not actually needing medication to begin with, there is one crucial problem with the effects of most psychological medications: In addition to the inevitably inconvenient side-effects, they also have a tendency to increase inhibitions. While the purpose is served by, under more mild circumstances, successfully calming the patient- this also results in a more passive outlook towards reality, which keeps patients from facing and dealing with reality. As a result, I was not able to determine and solve the many issues that I had accumulated amidst the chaos surrounding me for quite some time. I was "playing the victim", but, due in part to the medications, I was not even aware of it. As such a mindset reflects badly upon performance, my grades continued to suffer. In addition, "playing the victim" naturally makes anyone an easy target for bullying- this is likely a large part of why I was subject to this kind of mistreatment. Because I was focused on such petty things, I failed to recognize many important elements of socialization, and so performed poorly in this area as well. I simply lived life "in the moment", and never gave a thought as to what kind of person I wanted to be, or even what I wanted to do later on in life. I had an incredible amount of potential, but I could not develop or recognize it because of this one simple thing.

Now that I am off medication, I realize that I was "playing the victim". I am continually amazed at how much better the "system" was than I gave it credit for. To be honest, in retrospect I would say they spoiled me too much. I would never have even imagined the possibility of myself saying those words. I would have been the "worst of blasphemies". That being said, some of the best advice that I can give for life is don't.....(you know the words)