Playing The Victim

As much as I'd like to say that I've spent years giving life my all to have reached this point- truth be told, it has only been about a year since I actually started taking life seriously, facing reality- or, more accurately, myself. To add to that (or should I say subtract)- the first 6 months of that year were nullified as they were laid waste to by the utter chaos, drama, and negative emotion that I experienced during that time. This was to be expected- after all, when I stopped taking my medications, withdrawal effect is inevitable. Stopping taking medication was most certainly for the best, but I had been taking significantly high doses for an extended period of time- it took a while for my mind to adapt. So now I've begun thinking, "If I have advanced so far in just 6 months, why have I failed to get beyond this point in my nearly 20 years of living experience?" Of course, the first 10-15 years I was still developing- but for at 4-5 years, I have failed to grasp the amazing amount of opportunities of life that (being who I am) I have inherited.


That's not to say that I regret the path I have taken in the journey of life thus far- after all, were it not as such, I may have not been able in this manner in retrospect, and would not have been saturated with this inspiration with such force as to properly use that newfound knowledge towards living the best I can in the future. In addition, there are many experiences that I could not have had otherwise, so I am grateful for that knowledge. (Even if it doesn't nearly qualify as "sophisticated". But still, it would clearly be foolish not to take into consideration the potential that I could have had- for only then can I truly muster the motivation needed to achieve my potential.

The other day, I assumed the role of a therapist by listening to a coworker, and offering advice regarding their emotional problems and the presumed causes thereof. She seemed to be suffering from acute depression, which rooted back to a more-than-unfriendly encounter with and old guy in Germany. My coworker claimed that the comments that he forced on her (which in retrospect, make no logical sense) essentially ruined her life, effectively locking her away in a psychological hole, and preventing her from moving on with life, for all intensive purposes. (for the record, that was not what she said, but rather a sophisticated elaborated paraphrase on my part). My advice to her, was that the first step towards curing depression, is to blame yourself for whatever happens, regardless of the circumstances- instead of blaming others. While this may sound harsh from the surface, such an action gives the respective individuals complete power over the situation.

Regardless of how qualified someone is to "play the victim", indulgence in it is never the best course of action. Victims are, by nature, helpless. They cannot do anything at all except wait (*note that once a victim is saved, they are no longer victims). If, or as long as they are not saved, victims are essentially useless. However, if an individual places blame upon themselves, it puts them in complete control. Even if that power is achieved in a negative way, it's crucially important for individuals to recognize the power that each of us have over our own lives. Only then can we begin to bring about positive changes in the quality of our lives.

There are few individuals more qualified than I am for making statements such as these- after all, I have a significantly long history of "playing the victim" (about 4-5 years of it). When, due to strenuous circumstances, I was forcibly separated from my parents by social services, I remained suspended in shock (due to post-traumatic stress) for a few months. After about 5 months in the children's shelter to which I was relocated, I was taken in by my aunt- still too confused to comprehend the chaos that had saturated my life. I spent roughly 2 1/2 year living with my aunt, enjoying a relatively normal life, and even having the luxury of attending private schools. But then, without any warning, she announced on Christmas day that she was taking me back to the children's shelter in the morning. On December 26, 2002- she actually went through with it. After residing at the children's shelter for 2 more months, I began my chaotic trek through the group home system. Although I did not gain awareness of it until much later, it was then that I began blaming the "system" for how pathetic my life had become- from then on, I hated the "system" with a passion.

My misdirected enmity and victim-like mindset rapidly grew like a virus; the increase in variety and dosage of various medication further instigated further issues. Aside from not actually needing medication to begin with, there is one crucial problem with the effects of most psychological medications: In addition to the inevitably inconvenient side-effects, they also have a tendency to increase inhibitions. While the purpose is served by, under more mild circumstances, successfully calming the patient- this also results in a more passive outlook towards reality, which keeps patients from facing and dealing with reality. As a result, I was not able to determine and solve the many issues that I had accumulated amidst the chaos surrounding me for quite some time. I was "playing the victim", but, due in part to the medications, I was not even aware of it. As such a mindset reflects badly upon performance, my grades continued to suffer. In addition, "playing the victim" naturally makes anyone an easy target for bullying- this is likely a large part of why I was subject to this kind of mistreatment. Because I was focused on such petty things, I failed to recognize many important elements of socialization, and so performed poorly in this area as well. I simply lived life "in the moment", and never gave a thought as to what kind of person I wanted to be, or even what I wanted to do later on in life. I had an incredible amount of potential, but I could not develop or recognize it because of this one simple thing.

Now that I am off medication, I realize that I was "playing the victim". I am continually amazed at how much better the "system" was than I gave it credit for. To be honest, in retrospect I would say they spoiled me too much. I would never have even imagined the possibility of myself saying those words. I would have been the "worst of blasphemies". That being said, some of the best advice that I can give for life is don't.....(you know the words)

Enlightenment

In my post "a lot of thinking", I mentioned having a feeling that I had never felt before- one that I could not even determine the name for it. Despite it having such an ambiguous aura to it, Something about it also had the definite aura of being highly important. I felt that if I could pinpoint this ever-evasive feeling, I would be given a glimpse of the meaning life, and priceless insights into the nature of it. Although it would be impossible for me to confirm such an abstract thing as this, I believe that as of now, I have indeed achieve pinpointing that feeling. This is not to say that I can name it (all things considered, such a cosmically important and unique feeling could not possibly have a name). Rather, I now understand the importance and meaning of this feeling. Although I cannot remember exactly when, or even how this landmark revelation manifested itself, for the past few days since, this feeling has continued to further clarify itself, and its presence has amplified several times over since.

Adding to this already incredible scenario, I have, at the same time, gained perfection of the two qualities that, up to this point, I have desired most: Peace and Satisfaction. I have finally reached the point where I have wholly achieved and mastered two of the most vital elements key to success among humans. Well, I say finally, but, truth be told, It has only been 6 or so months since I began writing, and of that a mere couple months since I have seriously aspired to find the meaning of life. At this point though- every day, I live a lifetime- and that's no exaggeration. It really is a wonderful feeling- Time itself has become irrelevant.

Now when I look at and think about the state of the world, I only see beauty and perfection. The world was always just as beautiful and perfect, I just failed to notice it until now. I look forward to sharing the sights I see with all willing and open-minded enough to receive it- after all, Anyone can share with me this feeling- all that is needed is for those of the world to accept it. I get a sort of irony thinking about it- this concept kind of reminds me of one of the core Christian creeds "He gives the gift- all that we need to do is receive it". But anyway, I feel that this is one of the most, if not the most important thing I've realized. Of course, words cannot properly convey it to you, but hopefully, someday you'll look back and say "so that's what he was talking about..." Seeing the world in this way, and time becoming so irrelevant, I feel that I have become a god, or "Buddha" (if you will)

"Everything will turn out just the way it's meant to, regardless of the outcome"- that's the way I see it.

Oops

this is the continuation of the "Betrayal" and "Friendship" posts, and as such is preserved in its original email form.

as I said several times (although I sensed you had inadvertently misunderstood) I have no opinion as to whether we should continue. or rather, I have mixed feelings that cancel each other out, thus preventing me from being able to make a decision. as such, I left the decision up to you. you said that you deleted all the emails. that really is a pity (if you did), because there is a lot of good content (IMO) in them, both in intellectual and nostalgic respects.

I don't know how to make you believe me, but the course of events is not something that I wanted. not that I did not want it either- optimistic as I am, I feel that both of us can learn and grow from these experiences.

On one hand, I think interaction between us would be healthy in many ways. But on the other, I would feel guilty continuing relations considering it would be highly unbalanced. After thinking about it for a long time, I have concluded that I have never had friends. friendship is something that is supposed to happen naturally, which means (a) I am missing something or (b) I am not capable of making friends. optimistic as I am, I am acting on the basis that I am simply missing something, but there lies the problem of what that was. I sent you an email confirming that it was probably a result of my aunt, but after thinking further, I have decided that this is unlikely the reason. I think it's unlikely that it had any affect, but- though I cannot be sure, I am almost positive that I never had friends, even before that. I have always struggled with making friends (I first became aware of the problem when I entered 1st grade of grammar school. It's much more likely that, wanting to have friends like everyone else, for social reasons and also to "fit in", I gave myself the illusion that I had friends, when I in fact did not. there were people who I was a friend to, yourself included, but I could not reciprocate. I feel that there is a good possibility that my lack of planning and organization (despite having a great eye for detail) are defense mechanisms I created to cope and adapt to the otherwise harsh reality. If I was more mature, and/or people around me (especially my parents/guardians) had been aware of the problem, I could have dealt with it, but this is not the case. Unfortunately, you were the last in a long line of one-sided friendships- but on the bright side, you are not alone. You are the only one that has experienced full awareness of being thrust out of the illusion. Hopefully you can be consoled a little by the positive impact you had on my life, even if it was inadvertent.

I am continually confounded by the implications of me not having friends. I search my memories in retrospect each day and find new insights into an otherwise mysterious past. There are all kinds of things that, when looking at them in this new light, provide both a unique kind of humor and ironic truth. I do not regret the way things have turned out thus far- in fact I would have preferred it this way. I firmly believe that for me to have reached this point, all that has happened, both negative and positive, was vital for it. You may have had to suffer for me to reap these benefits, and I sympathize as much as I am (honestly) capable. I promise that the success that I reach in life as a result of these events will outweigh the trouble that I have caused you, so rest assured.

you are free to contact me, or invite me over, but I want to make sure that you understand the status of things. I can learn to respect you, but it will be out of habit, not out of love. habits can be forced into being, but love can only happen naturally, just as friendship does. ps.- you were right about love and respect going hand and hand. while respect can be made a habit, true respect (respect that comes naturally) can only happen with love. Perhaps I could be a "friend" to you, as a way of making up for the trouble I've caused. by that, I mean that I will take the initiative and forcibly make you the most important person in my life. Now that I am aware of the truth, there is the possibility that I may naturally become actual friends with you. There also lies the possibility that friendship can be gained with habits. Outside instinct, friendship and love may just be habits that come naturally. If that is the case, friendship and love can be made a reality through pure effort. (any habit that comes naturally can potentially also be forced) I think I'd like to look into this as it would be a good alternative for one such as myself. I know fully that you do not agree with the validity of these views, but you have to admit, it would be fortunate if they were valid, in these circumstances- right? just some food for thought...

so hopefully we can reach a point where we can continue relations, even if it is compromised. Life isn't perfect- hopefully you can appreciate my imperfection, just as I have learned to appreciate the imperfection of life. (see my Enlightenment post)

Preface

For a while now, I have planned to convert my blog into a book; now that I've written almost enough material to complete this project, I thought it appropriate to write the preface- so here it is:

The Holy [Christian] Bible, or any major religious texts for that matter, are treated as divine and with utmost respect. Yet, if one reads it/them face-value, the writing can and will contain inconsistencies and contradictions. To clear up these discrepancies, we must first realize that truth can only be understood after taking everything into account. Furthermore, nothing can exist without and opposite by which to define it (i.e. good cannot exist without evil- if evil did not exist there would be nothing to judge good by). This particular issue is acknowledged by Paul in Romans 4:15 "For if those who live by law are heirs, faith has no value and the promise is worthless, 15because law brings wrath. And where there is no law there is no transgression." and in Genesis it's personified in the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. Well, (all things considered) this is actually dependent upon a certain factor, which so happens to also be the one that determines ones response to the classic hypothetical question, "If a tree falls and nothing else is around, does it make a sound?" If you believe that the tree does make a sound, you would probably also say that good does not need evil to exist. This would also mean that most, if not all Christians agree that the tree does make a sound. Or rather, to not believe such would be inconsistent. (The Bible clearly states that God cannot coexist with sin; In its basic form, sin would be defined as imperfection- which (of course) is the opposite of God.)

You'll find a lot of tangents like the one above throughout this book- hopefully they will ensure that your interest is held. This should be the case since, after all, it would make variety inevitable, as well as allow your mind to wander more freely, rather than being confined to the given topic being addressed. If I were to be honest, however, the tangents were (and are) not planned in the least. I have decided to keep them both as a personal trademark and in the hope that it will provide further insight into my character- which is the secondary priority of this book. The first priority, if you have not guessed already, is to server as a guide to life and instill inspirations regarding the many aspect of life and the confounding beauty thereof. Getting back on topic: upon realizing that truth can only be realized after taking everything into account, we should read the Bible under that "everything" is found therein. In other words, the Bible is inconsistent and contradictory because it takes everything into account. If one reads the Bible like a novel (which is only truly understood when read as a whole) they would be one "step" closer to the truth.

It is my desire (and I suggest it be yours) that you read this book in that same way. This is a natural necessity if you wish to experience the full flavor and effect possible, after all. I have also integrated details about (and when I say details, I mean everything!) because (1) I feel that to properly convey to you what is intended, you must first know and understand who I am; and (2) this book was originally an online journal (in the form of a blog), so it would be a pain to have to sort through it all. Upon finishing this book in its entirety, I would highly recommend you read through it again. I guarantee you will discover something new each time, given that your mind is open enough to find it.

Living Contradiction

When I think about myself, I am quite amused- I see all the contradictions that are myself:

1. I'm a very sociable person, But I have no friends.
2. There is nothing I am afraid of, but I rarely ever go outside (except for work).
3. I reveal everything about myself to everyone in the world (via this blog), but even those that spend every hour with me know very little about me.
4. I have maturity that exceeds what most people have in their lives, but I am only 19.
5. I strongly prefer spending time with others, and yet I spend nearly all my free time glued to the computer.
6. I'm constantly humored by the smallest of things, but anyone who didn't know better would say I had no sense of humor.

Then, there are of course other unique qualities:

1. I usually don't (consciously) put any thought into what I say before I say it, but always say exactly what I intend to.
2. Several times per day, I become aware that I am thinking about a lot of things without consciously knowing what those things are.
3. I get deja vu constantly, and especially while watching video content.
4. Meditation comes natural for me, and I frequently make use of it. (In fact, I habitually meditate every time I take a shower or go on walks)
5. As far as I can remember, I have never been fully aware of my thoughts (only partially aware)
6. I lack the ability to visualize anything, be it old memories, or split seconds.
7. I completely lack jealousy.
8. There is no one in this world that I feel negatively about.
9. Everyone in the world is of essentially equal value to me, regardless of my relationship to them.
10. I am not afraid of death.
11. At my young age, I am completely satisfied with how I have lived my life, and would not have any regrets if I were to die right here and now.
12. I can sing songs I know perfectly without being aware of what I'm singing. In fact, I sing songs better when this is the case. It's usually involuntary, but [now that I know the catalyst] I can also do it on cue.
13. I have the ability to break down my environment in real-time (and analyze it), and I make regular use of that ability.

There are probably other unique qualities and "living contradictions", but this will do for now.

Betrayal

Although I will probably edit it later on, for the time being I will keep this post in it's raw form, which is the email response I sent today. the email contents are generic, so this shouldn't be a problem.

I never said I did not want to be your friend. I said that you cannot be my friend- which, although you have made clear you cannot comprehend the difference- at least in my mind there is. it's very simple- you feel a bond between us, and feel a sense of loss because we have been out of contact.

recently I have found an even more convincing proof that you could not possibly be my friend. yesterday I realized that friendship requires that friends be more important to each other than anyone else- or, rather- friendship is only possible at that point. I believe that, although I have not ever felt the bond or loss, I have at one point had people that were more important to me than others- in fact, many people. However, as of now this is not the case- which is why you cannot be my friend.

you're continuing to misunderstand- it's not that I don't want you to be my friend- it's just that I have no choice in the matter. you of all people should know that friendship cannot be forced, it can only happen naturally. In the same way, if friendship between us truly existed, for me to say "we are not friends anymore" would be a lie, unless we had been going downhill for quite sometime. Of course if that were the case, for me to make such a statement would not be surprising to you.

the truth is that I have no choice in the matter. don't blame me- blame nature. or I guess blame God if you wish. I can probably make the change later on, although I doubt we would be friends even then, because it's likely that at the point I would have no reason for you to be my friend, since that was never the case in the first place.

from the very beginning, like it or not, I was using you. that is the reason why I thought it would be in both of our best interests. If you think about it, after taking away the psychological bond, and add to that your lack of importance to me, that's all that is left, right. there is nothing that I trust or reveal to you that I would not anyone else, and you are no more important to me than anyone else would be.

you also should understand that this is also something that I can not control- friendship and individuals being important to each other are strictly natural occurrences- I could not force you to be important to me even if I wanted to.

thanks to this email of yours though, I was able to to gain more insights hinting at the source of the problem. for example, I think that it's far more likely that the lack of bonding and loss is actually caused by me lacking people important to me. This being the case, the root of the problem might be that no one is important to me than any others.

at the times that there were people that were important to me, I can easily confirm that I lacked both the emotional maturity and biological development to be aware of psychological bonding and the associated loss. to add to this, wikipedia clarifies that most people are not aware of the bond until after they experience the loss. being thrust into chaos and still young, it's only natural that I would not be aware of it, or- even if I was, the memories would be either forgotten, diluted, or incomprehensible.

on those grounds, I think the most likely possibility would be that one or more events occurred at some point that inadvertently resulted in me treating everyone else as having equal importance- which resulted in me neglecting to hold onto my friends, including those that I would make later on. In the original craigslist ad by which we met, I expressed concerns about not having friends. It would be a safe guess that this was the point at which I finally realized the dilemma.

Most likely, I changed to make everyone I knew as having the same importance to deal with issues at the time. In other words, those who were important to me betrayed me, and I underwent psychological change in order to cope with it.

I guess it might be ironic, but thanks again for your email. (see if you can guess from what I write below what exactly about your email is (ironically) helping me)

I have, in the course of this email (with help from my best [productive] skill- which is deductive reasoning. the source of the problem is that my aunt betrayed me. although I did not realize it until now, I underwent change to cope with her betrayal by setting an unsaid law in my mind that no one is more important to me than any other. that this is the case is a bit disappointing though (I was optimistically hoping that it was more proof of me being biologically evolved, lol) - bu seriously: thank you very much for sending me this email (although you had no clue as to how helpful it would be to me, of course.)

if you wish, I can continue to "use" you until I have used this "newfound" knowledge to solve the problem.

if you think about it, you would have never known if I did not tell you because these kind of things can only be determined on an individual basis. I could have continued forever like that, but- as you well know- my honesty does not permit me to have such a friendship under false pretenses.

It's all up to you.

Hypothetical Answers

A while ago I started writing original hypothetical questions that each have the aim of revealing information about those who answer that could not be obtained otherwise (although this is actually the purpose behind all hypothetical questions in general- I tried to make mine as character-defining as possible.) The goal was to create 21 questions, and then create an OkCupid test with a pun ("The 21 hypothetical questions test"). However, I stopped at 8 questions, and never got around to finishing it. As such, I will only give 8 answers for the time being, and follow each answer up with my reason why. Naturally, this will reveal information about myself that I could not adequately express otherwise, thus serving the purpose of the questions.

1. Q: which is more beautiful, a human falling in love or an AI (artificial intelligence, i.e. android)?
A: An AI
why: Because an AI falling in love would be a novelty, and very unlikely. I haven't really thought farther than that, but my feelings tell me that an AI falling in love would be the most beautiful, and also something I really would like to see happen.

2. Q: If you had a choice between infinite satisfaction and zero peace, or infinite peace and zero satisfaction, which would you choose?
A: Although this is probably biased by having already practically experienced the latter (human beings always yearn for what they don't have more than what they have) I would choose zero peace and infinite satisfaction.
why: I suppose probably because I'm curious of that which I have not experienced, and wish to verify my intuition which tells me that the latter would be much better, at least for me.

3. Q:Would you rather have a bad tempered God that you know everything about, or a nonchalant God that you know nothing about?
A: I would rather have a nonchalant God I know nothing about.
why: It would give me the power to live life as I see fit. Although I would want to know who God is, that knowledge wouldn't do me any good if God was bad-tempered.

4. Q: If a deity offered to let you reincarnate and live the life of your choice, but the price was to die at 40, would you do it?
A: I would agree.
why: according to studies, the intelligence peaks at age 27, so doing all that I wanted to would not be a problem; furthermore, whatever we have lived in our life so far is irrelevant (as proven by [a] we cannot go back and change anything we have already done, even though we remember is and [b] the memories of people can easily be manipulated or destroyed.) That being the case, this choice should be taken. After all, I might prefer to die at age 40 anyway :)

5. Q: Would you rather have a laptop that does everything instantly but crashes every 5 minutes, or a five year old laptop that lasts forever and never crashes once?
A: A laptop that does everything instantly but crashes every 5 minutes.
why: I'm a very impatient person, but one of the positive results of that is that I am very quick-thinking. I would want a laptop that could think as fast as I do, even if I had to reboot it constantly. For the things that take longer than 5 minutes (i.e. anime) I'll just use my desktop computer :)

6. Q: If your ideal mate said they would stay with you forever, but in exchange you must not have sex for the rest of your life, would you agree? (note this question may need tweaking to compensate for such variables as love.)
A: yes.
why: Even after going over it in my head countless times, my conclusion is that sex is not necessary, and the reason some people think it is only day that because they are addicted to it. I have considered myself a hopeless romantic (although this belief has been put on hold due to circumstances) but in either case, there is nothing in this world that I want more than love. that of course means that I would trade my well-being, or even the knowledge that I have gained thus far, if I would get eternal love (eternal of course meaning for the rest of my life) in return. Although love is not part of the original question, I believe that love is inevitable when people share enough strong memories- so it will come in time.

7. Q: Assuming you are in your early teens, if a man offered to sign a legal contract to pay you $1,000,000 if you place yourself into a coma for 20 years, would you do it? (all medical bills are reimbursed as well)
A: No I would not
why: although I would be able to accomplish my goals with that money, [a] that would have passed 27 (the age that intelligence peaks at) and would be too close to age 40 (I would want most of my current goals to be accomplished by that age). Also, as The Beatles would say, "money can't buy me love"- in a more general sense, all my goals have little relevance to money, so that money is essentially worthless to me.

8. Q: If there was a way to have any wish of yours granted, but there was a 50% chance you would pay for it with your life, would you take the risk?
A: No.
why: (1) I've gambled enough to know that I'm unlucky (especially at cards) so I would probably die if I did :) (2) even if I was lucky, I would prefer to make my wishes come true through my own power. Although having the heart's desire may appear to satisfy in the short run, most of satisfaction should come from achieving it on one's own. Human beings desire things so that they can achieve it. As such, having that which one did not achieve is essentially meaningless.