Fantasies

The past few months I have discovered an interest in various sexual fetishes, perhaps in part as a result of insecurities regarding my identity. Whatever the catalyst was, these interests, which collectively included S&M, bisexuality, and pedophilia- evolved into obsessions- as my perception of their prominence hyperbolized in a melodramatic fashion. This has been a habit of mine- turning small details into big issues. Some who know me would be thinking "so he did realize it after all!"- because this habit has served at times to annoy the heck out of people. Now I am full aware though that such an approach does far worse than annoy people- that it obvious now. I took on the identity of a pedophile just because I was able to get off to to little girls better. Turns out that in recent tests, over 20% of college guys admitted to having such fantasies- and the actually percentage is probably much higher, considering the nature of the question. But it doesn't mean I should go out of my way to enforce it. Prior to now- I considered myself to only be attracted to those around my age. True I do prefer short height, and "cute" over "sexy", among other things- but that isn't nearly enough reason to "resign myself to fate" as they say.

Even if it was enough reason- all the more reason to enforce opposing interests- after all- I have no future with these kind of fetishes (for obvious reasons). To try to pursue them would be immature and irresponsible, so I should know better. There are many things that I have accepted about myself as identities- stubbornly insisting that I stick to these- because they are who I am. What a load of hot air! I am who I choose to be- as if I could get a good idea of what that is just by demonstrating a few trademark behaviors for a few months! I need to take some initiative and decide what I want to be, not what I happen to be. What's the point of living if I stay the same? I need to get out there, live life- stop thinking about who I am and just find out what I want to be.

But whatever I want to be, it most definitely isn't in these fetishes. To think that I would even consider trying to be like that just because things happened to turn like that. I'm too young to be thinking like that.