the illusion of life

this is a post I thought I had put down but didn't, anyway....

update: the part about this realization getting rid of my anger/depression is speculation, since I highly doubt that raw knowledge could possibly lead to such a radical change (just a couple years ago, and even 9 months ago, I was the exact opposite- constantly depressed/angry with no particular reason. I can't think of any reason besides knowledge, but like I said, knowledge couldn't possibly bring about such a radical change on its own.

In light of the variance in perspective and its relation to relativity, it became clear to me that emotions are illusions, and I learned much from this. I know right now you probably hold an opinion opposite that, believing that emotions are real, because otherwise they would not affect our lives so much. So I will provide an example- the film trilogy "The Matrix". One of the main elements in the movie, was the concept that in order to self-empower yourself, you must realize reality is what you make of it, not limited to how it is presented.

A specific example: Once neo not only realized, but applied his knowledge that the matrix was not real, he was able to empower himself in direct ratio to the degree to which his surroundings were illusions.

I think that although it was just a movie, to say that the amount of power we gain from acknowledging that which around us is an illusion, would be in direct ratio to the degree of that illusion also. The reason we don't have matrix superpowers, is even though we may be living in an illusion to a degree, that degree is not even comparable to the matrix (for obvious reasons- which are that it was 100% illusion- which is unbeatable)

Although there are many definitions of an illusion, here I am referring to an illusion defined as that which is non-material, and temporary. Emotions account for most illusions under this definition.

I realize that there are many things important that fit under this definition, but yes, that means joy, love, pride, momentum, nostalgia, trust, faith, hope- they're all illusions. But that also means hate, malice, anger, resentment- they are illusions too.

However, this is not discrediting any emotions in any way- in fact, understanding them like this helps to establish the same self-empowerment in "The Matrix"

Here are some applications to my real life:

Previously, when playing games, I would be winning as long as I kept the momentum, but once I lost it I would lose every time, due to a loss of confidence. Once I realized that emotions were illusions, I was able to keep the momentum. Because of that, I was able to make comebacks surprisingly frequently, and even those times I lost I kept my opponent on their feet the whole time through.

In addition, I have been completely devoid of both anger and depression since this realization. Because those are both illusions,I can render them non-existent in my own mind. All that remains is peace, and so for the past few months that is all that I have felt.

If you do not know me, upon reading everything above, you may perceive me as very unemotional, and most online tests I have taken have said pretty much that. But if you know me, you would know that I'm actually a lot more emotional than most guys, and a lot of girls.

hypothetical questions

I was planning to think of 21 of these and then create "The 21 Hypothetical Questions" test (get it?) but since I wrote it a while and never finished (I got distracted again and again, and eventually forgot!) here's what got so far. I'll keep updating this post till I get to 21, and then I'll make it into the test.

1. which is more beautiful, a human falling in love or an AI (artificial intelligence, i.e. android)?

2. If you had a choice between infinite satisfaction and zero peace, or infinite peace and zero satisfaction, which would you choose?

3. Would you rather have a bad tempered God that you know everything about, or a nonchalant God that you know nothing about?

4. If a deity offered to let you reincarnate and live the life of your choice, but the price was to die at 40, would you do it?

5. Would you rather have a laptop that does everything instantly but crashes every 5 minutes, or a five year old laptop that lasts forever and never crashes once?

6. If your ideal mate said they would stay with you forever, but in exchange you must not have sex for the rest of your life, would you agree? (note this question may need tweaking to compensate for such variables as love.)

7. Assuming you are in your early teens, if a man offered to sign a legal contract to pay you $1,000,000 if you place yourself into a coma for 20 years, would you do it? (all medical bills are reimbursed as well)

8. If there was a way to have any wish of yours granted, but there was a 50% chance you would pay for it with your life, would you take the risk?

obviously that's only 1/3 of 21, but I've thought of some for a bit, so maybe I'll remember, or those thoughts will help me think of the rest of the questions.

a lot of thinking

just for the record that post about love below might well be way off. Not that it is.., but I was tired at the time, but had to get down whatever thoughts I had before I forgot. a while back I realized that a lot of my thoughts would go to waste if I didn't write them down, so I made it a habit too. good thing because for a long time now that's the only productive thing I've done.

actually, just recently I realized that to date I haven't actually planned much of anything in my life. In other words, as far as I know there in not one thing I have ever planned to date, period. lol I knew I was bad at planning, but to think it was this bad, and I didn't know it. well this explains a lot of things. (1) another reason I'm bad at projects. (2) my complete lack of everyday discipline. (3) why I'm bad at planning is probably not innate (like I thought it might be) but in fact because I never have. lol that makes sense!

but that aside, to the focus of this post:

for about 6 months or so, I've been having this feeling that I have no idea what it is. I know it's important, strong, and deep, but that's pretty it. Quite the mysterious feeling. furthermore, the amount of time I have this feeling is increasing steadily. I'm pretty sure the first time I had it was when I watched the "strawberry panic" anime. it was also a feeling that I had never felt before and didn't know what it was. at the time I thought it was due to the storyline, but now I think that's coincidence. although I can't be positive, I'm pretty sure it was the same feeling. the rate of increase since then seems consistent (as in it increases at the same rate, no exceptions).

I think that somehow, that it's very important that I solve this feeling, and that if I do "something will happen" although of course I don't know what. well, my intuition in most areas is horrible, so I'm probably way off (but I'm going to trust it anyway, since this time it sounds cool.)

but I suppose that I look forward to the day that it becomes possible to read brainwaves. Here are some prospects that this would open:

1. employment, guidance counselors, etc. would not be needed. people would receive the jobs, education, etc. that best suit their interests, skills, experience, and talent. We would end up living lives better than we could have normally, since the machines would know us better than we know ourselves, and would have proof that we are who we say we are, and we can't lie about it either.

2. (the obvious) I'd be able to find out what this feeling is, and unlock the meaning of my dreams, and various other subconscious mysterious. ok fine, everyone else will too!

3. we will be able to create ai that cannot be distinguished by humans.

4. because our true selfs are on record, it would unlock the possibility of an equal opportunity utopia. (i.e. rich people won't take priority over poor genius' just because they're rich.

5. there would be no more need for courthouses, we would know the truth immediately.

6. People could be matched with people that they are best suited for, removing the need for "courting", dating, etc.

7. no more need for tests, for the truth just use the machine.

criticisms:

to keep you from putting your foot in your mouth (aren't I nice?) I have prepared criticisms I already knew exist:

1. hackers. yes, obviously having our lives so closely linked to computers leaves us dangerously vulnerable to hackers, in legal matter, jobs, education, basically all addressed above and then some.

2. the inevitably would own the system, and use it to their advantage.

3. privacy would become a relic of the past.

4. if for a number of possible reasons the machine screws up, the person it screws up on is also screwed.

My Resume

There's still a few "bugs" to work out, but at least for now this is my resume.
note: this email address is for business use only, everyone else email me at the address above.

Justin Benjamin

1487 Hervey Lane, San Jose, CA 95125

Phone (408) 971-2211

E-Mail: justin.benjamin0@gmail.com

Web page: http://jbcandid.blogspot.com

OBJECTIVE: To obtain an entry-level position that matches both my skills and interests

EDUCATION:

Foothill ADT High School
2003 – 2006

High School Diploma

Central County Occupational School (CCOC)

Computer Technology Careers

2005-2006

Certificate of Achievement, Certificate Of Articulated Course Completion

Letter Of Competency, Letter Of Recognition (Assemblywoman Rebecca Cohn)

Generic Skills:

Writing, Analytical, Detail-Oriented, Interpersonal Communication, Adaptation.

Defining Traits:

Extrovert, Enthusiastic, Energetic, Proactive, Inquisitive, Honest, Impartial.

Extracurricular Experience:

Choir, Band, Software development (limited), Application testing, Japanese linguistics (verbal), Debate, Trivia, Philosophy, Psychology, Various consultant work.

Technical Expertise:

Windows XP, Software Testing, Computer Repair/Maintenance, Research, Customization, Linux

Notable recent events:

Participated in the StruT (STudents Recycling Used Technology) Competition of 2006

References:

Available upon request.

Reincarnation

this post isn't about my beliefs regarding reincarnation (I'll have to cover that in another post- I have an extensive list of thoughts about that, believe it or not...But to the point:

In the past 5 years I have lived over 10 lifetimes. I think they can be considered lifetimes because:
(1) there are starting and ending points to each
(2) at the end of each lifetime, there is a defining moment when I feel like a completely different person, like being "born again" if you will.
(3) The times of my life that I remember least (in the long run) are right after and right before being "born again"
(4) Each time I am "born again" I think back and marvel that in "my past life" I would never have imagined how I am now.

Just a few hours ago I was "born again", and so I decided to blog about it while it was still fresh in my mind. It really is a wonderful feeling, like I'm going to live forever. I'm sure if you knew me, and the story of my past, you would agree, since the things I have lives through are more than most would in several lifetimes. I have also learned more than many also learn in several lifetimes. But since you do not know me, and furthermore cannot read my mind, I would be better off assuming you'll disagree with me, thinking that me, a 19 year old young man, thinks he knows everything and just needs to face reality and come out of the clouds. Well I know I don't know everything, and few in this day and age are still idiotic enough to think that (I mean c'mon, seriously!- think about it)

But alas, in either case I am grateful to have lived so much, and to think that I have so many more lifetimes ahead of me.

How the Bible was created

How the Holy Bible was made:

Of course it was made by God, written by man, right? Well, that's what they wanted you to believe (they probably can't want anymore- since they're dead). Well I can't give you the real answer, (although I know it wasn't God like they say) but I can give you one that has a lot of evidence backing it- I mean a lot. So listen and learn as I reveal the secret behind the greatest story ever told.....

After the discovery of writing, humans began writing with a variety of motives. It is not certain what the original motivation was, but in accordance with human nature, eventually people wrote to influence the world as they saw fit. Before long, rumors spread of the wonders of writing, and in time, it developed into a subculture. People gathered at meetings to brainstorm, relay news, and discuss promotion strategy much like the subcultures do today.

As time went on, the groups became more structured, leaders were decided, and they began working on ambitious projects. The different groups had different goals, so they began to compete for influence. One of these groups insisted upon a monotheistic base, and this did no go well with the others. Monotheism was not a popular idea at the time, to say the least, so many of the other groups collaborated to force this group into exile. The descendants of this group became known as the Israelites. Although their original name is unknown, The best supported one is the Hebrews, so that is what they will be called from here on out.

Whatever ambition and passion they had developed prior to the exile had multiplied due to their resentment at those who took action against them, and they channeled that energy into what was to become the Torah¹. It was decided that the project was to mirror their own history, but done so metaphorically; in other words, a sort of poetic historical fiction. This was done so they could maintain a reasonable influencial impact, while preserving their history. In a manner of speaking they immortalized themselves. Take note that “reasonable” refers to their perspective, and the project expectations were incredibly high.

To achieve their goals, the Hebrews needed a “hook”² so it was only natural the the story would begin with creation. Thus, they proceeded accordingly, and created Genesis (בראשית, Bereshit: "In the beginning..."). Throughout Genesis and the remainder of the Torah, exile is a theme that reccurs consistently and without fail. Along with that, the Hebrews spread their anger throughout in moderation. In addition, they balanced love with revenge with the purpose of amplifying their self-righteous image. All the writers of the Torah were anonymous, and were the first to make use of what are now known as pen-names. There is much confusion over books writing a similar storyline to the Bible, most notably the Dead Sea Scrolls³, but these were in fact rough drafts of the Torah, and this is also why the author's name is different. It is possible that the authors of the scrolls and other documents related to the Bible might be the actual names of the authors, although this is only speculation.

1http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Torah

2http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narrative_hook

3http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dead_Sea_Scrolls

Strengths and Weaknesses

Fairly recently I made a list of my personal strengths and weaknesses. of course, this is of no benefit unless you know me, so I guess if you have no intention of knowing me you just wasted your time, lol!

Strengths:

concepts: I seem to be very good with concepts, i.e., love, war, peace, culture, life, death, etc.

logic: as in I'm good at thinking logically. ok, maybe I'll try to be more specific later, but I thing everyone knows what I'm implyiing anyway.

psychology: I've always thought of myself as a step ahead on understanding psychology, so recently I put it to the test. it was a success. then later on I open one of my dad's college books on it, and I found I understood every bit of it immediately, and I couldn't find anything in there that I didn't already know.

intellect: basically I'm really good at using big words with ease, and I talk a whole lot. kinda like a ten year old that happened to be a college graduate I suppose.

assertion: should also be self explanatory- I have no problem speaking my mind, or with confrontation. I know my rights and I do not hesitate to take advantage of them.

insight: Every once in a while I come up with these big insights while watching anime or other tv series. I guess it usually happens around those times because they stimulate my mind, and emulate life experiences.

deductive reasoning: most of the time, I take my insights, and build upon them with new insights. I do this using deductive reasoning, i.e., if a=b, and b=c, than a=c, etc. basically I take what I've learned and apply that knowledge to new perspectives, resulting in adding another dimension to those concepts. This helps me to become aware of many of my insights.

single-tasking: I'm probably really good at single tasking for reasons along the lines of why I'm not good at multitasking. I tend to be really good at analyzing I guess. or maybe something else.

maturity: I guess I consider myself to be mature, since I have high moral standards, and perspectives on life that most people my age couldn't relate to. People have called me mature for this reason, although many would consider me no, since I don't go to school or work, and live with my dad. In either case, I'll leave that up to you. I can't say I worry about it much.

long-term memory: I have a really good long-term memory, but I think this may possibly have more disadvantages than advantages. for example, most of the times I recall memories they are completely random and meaningless memories from several years ago, many over ten. but there are some things I'm glad I remember all of it, like I remember a lot about my first (and only) girlfriend in the second grade. We had some good times. Oh, for those of you that thought you read wrong, you didn't.

I've only had one girlfriend in my life, and it was in the second grade. I'm a virgin, and I've never been on a date.

Weaknesses:

data: when I say this, I'm referring to visual material, such as written, and graphical. yes I know that includes what I'm writing. what I mean is that I have trouble absorbing visual material. If I didn't aready know what I was writing, I would have trouble understanding it. this didn't used to be much trouble before, but it has lately. (graphical refering to charts, graphs, etc.)
visualization: basically, I have trouble visualizing things. correction, I cannot visualize anything. I am completely unable to picture anything in my head. I know, sounds crazy, huh? oh well.

organization: I don't know if I was more organized before, but as far as I know, I've always been disorganized. hard as I try, if I were to clean my room spotless and organized, it would dismantle within days.

reflexes: Took me a while to figure this one out, but then I realized why I such so much at video games, sports, etc. I took an OkCupid test, and lo and behold, I took over 10 seconds (the record being less than 2 seconds.)

multitasking: self-explanatory- I really suck at it. For example (this is a fact) if I were to engage in conversation every time I walked by a particular building, or even person, even if I were to walk past them repeated times, they would not look familiar, since I would have no recollection of them. When I'm talking, I am always completely unaware of my surroundings without fail.

short-term memory: this weakness has been a curse my entire life. I have met so many people and forgottent their names almost immediately after meeting them. it's very embarrassing. (and I've also lost quite a few of girl's #'s over the years thanks to being so disorganized.)

planning: yeah, this is also a major weakness for me. I find it really difficult to plan things, and constantly forget to carry things out even when I do make successful plans. this is probably a large part of why I suck at chess and freeciv and other strategy games. I'm really bad at planning and strategy, and on top of that am prone to make mistakes due to my short term memory, disorganization, etc.

bluntness: yes, I tend to be extremely blunt. I originally thought of it as a strength, but then I realized that I need to make an exception for the majority of the world that tends to take things more personally than me. honesty does not require bluntness, so think I'll work on diplomacy.