Individuality

There is a question that I dread asking, but am even more concerned with not asking it. I know that I may never find the answer to the question- and as such this paradoxical fear is essentially counterproductive, as its merits are yet to be seen. The question is simple- although the answer is so complex that it has boggled mankind through the ages- "Who am I?" Now you may already have found an answer to who you really are, but have you really? Now keep in mind I am not referring to our place in society, or personality traits, or ideas or beliefs...nor am I referring to money, reputation. Everyone has a need to feel that they are special- that they have things that no one else has- have contributed in ways no one else could, and that they have a lifestyle so unique that no one else could hope to model it. But when all is said and done- we are all the same, ordinary human beings.

Despite this knowledge, I still search for things within myself that possess that ideal level of originality- simply because my logic, psyche, and ego will not face up to this harsh truth. People all try to find identities to fill this gap- to put off the inevitable- some, if not most- actually succeeding, with the price of lying to themselves to the very end. Perhaps this should be acceptable though- after all, ignorance is bliss- when we consider the harsh truth. People adopt religions, stereotypes, traditions, cultural influences of all sorts. All of it fake, no doubt- but it's not like people think about it- to accept these as fake would be to accept their doom in a sense, so it's only natural to just go along with what others say, even if it's wrong. In this way, leaders took power by giving people things to go on- the more fleeting the dream, the stronger the cause.

It really is ironic though- that people, to feel special as individuals- unite as a group for the sake of a cause. I would think that they would realize that following the crowd is the exact opposite of being more special- but that seems to be the way of things for people. Perhaps they don't follow the crowd to feel special at all- maybe they're just insecure. I've toyed with the possibility that in the past people did things the same way- but in order to survive, some underwent psychological evolution that allowed for these illusions. False hope gave us a reason to move forward. To this day I'm still unsure how to respond to questions about how well I am doing. Fun, satisfaction, confidence, happiness, peace- they're all illusions. In retrospect, when I think of what would be considered "fun" times- all I see is activities that succeeded in temporarily satisfying my desires at the time. When those times were over, I no longer felt those feelings. To think of "the past" as being fun seems so shallow and fake to me, because it's all temporary, lacking substance, and as such illusions in my book.

Right now it's true I am more on the downside, but it's not the first time, nor will it be the last. The reason I have these perspectives are not because of my emotions- rather- I have these emotions because I have a clearer picture of the truth. Normally I can, like everyone else- ignore it- but now that I can see it most clearly I have decided to make note of it- so that I will not regret putting it off further.

I will continue to ask this question "who am I" there may be a chance I can come up with a definite answer- although such a thing is less likely than winning the lottery I suppose. I have often speculated that if I were to trace all my personality traits and behaviors and the chronology of which I came to hold certain beliefs and perspectives as acceptable truth- I would be able to gain a glimpse, or hint, of who I really am. To be optimistic, I may have something of a head-start- because never in my wildest dreams of a few years ago would I have even imagined myself being "who I am" today.

Bad Luck

Constantly, all over the world- money, time, pain, suffering, drama- so much are wasted on people that blame others for their misfortune. The police, the courts, and government encourage these complaints, not only saying they have a right to complain, but also sacrifice the welfare of others for the purpose of spoiling them. What our government and the "mob" as they will be referred to henceforth don't seem to see (or don't care) is that their selfishness affects others. People give money in taxes, and sometimes in donations- all for the purpose of satisfying the selfishness of a select few- that likely are less deserving. It's good to have order- but when the order spreads corruption it's gone way too far. The world would be a much better place if everyone minded their own business, Because people don't mind their own business, war exists, money goes down the drain, efficiency is deteriorated, and innovation is stifled. In essence, most of what is considered evil has, is, and will come from people not minding their own business. In my opinion, I'd wager that everything evil in this world can be rooted to this very thing in one way or another- But it would be arrogant to make such a statement that nearly transcends time itself. Well, not that I believe in evil *note I'm just using the word as a concept by which to relate to those who do believe in it- which is nearly everyone- so should be the safest word to use.

What we all should do instead is blame ourselves for being unable to adapt- or for being unlucky enough to experience negative circumstances beyond that ability. If we blame others for our misfortune, it'll never end. I myself, although have not ended my own- have neutralized most of it by realizing these things. Whatever we may think of others, and especially of those we do know at all, we should consider that they too are human, and started out an innocent. If you find them to be a bad person- rethink that and realize that they were just unlucky- having experienced circumstances that were beyond their ability to adapt- or were not aware of whatever knowledge could have helped them compensate for an adaptation deficiency. Natural disasters, crimes of all sorts- people caught in the crossfire of religious or political movements- anything that may from the surface to be unfair- Realize that whether or not it was unfair or not- it happened, and there is nothing anyone can do to change that. They were unlucky- sucks for them. Revenge, Pity, "justice" or whatever you want to call it won't make non-existence, or wherever you think they went, any more bearable. In fact, wasting time and directly/indirectly causing miserably for others' If you really think about it they won't condone it.

Although on a different level and a slightly different perspective, the same applies to whatever else "shouldn't have to happen"- from money being stolen, to people insulting each other. Also consider- by seeking retribution, you are essentially justifying the actions of the criminals. Specifically, since in committing those actions they obviously were not minding their own business- when you respond wanting "justice" you are "not minding your own business" back. In many games- there is a house rule that if someone breaks a rule, but you continue regardless, at that point you justified their action- so they are able to say "you played on it"- I know there are probably some people reading this that know exactly what I'm talking about. Making use of that analogy- Wanting a vendetta is in that respect hypocritical, and as such naturally encourages further corruption in the future- especially since such selfishness make itself just as guilty.

Instead, we should strive to be role-models- not giving in to the need for justification- at this point the desire for vengeance should have long be extinct- but as a human race we still are primitive in these areas- apparently. This knowledge has been known for thousands of years apparently though- to quote Jesus "turn the other cheek" that's pretty much the same thing- although I don't think it's healthy to take it that far. Just because I do or even another select few- doesn't mean the world will listen right away- obviously. But we all have to start somewhere- somone's gotta do it if this world is to stay in one piece.

Maturity

Everyone has their own idea of what maturity is- but I believe true maturity can only be achieved through complete independence. Now of course, this includes financial independence, but independence cannot be reached with that alone. Compared to the other elements that are independence, the financial component is vastly insignificant, metaphorically "child's play". True independence requires living one's life completely uninfluenced by other's ideas or actions, by circumstances, or anything else that originates outside one's mind. This extreme, if achieved at all, would be a novelty; Most people would probably think it to be a very depressing-sounding lifestyle that only a fool would try to force upon themselves. That may be so, but there is an even greater possibly that those who have the perspective- that is, most of us, cannot imagine happiness living in such a manner because they themselves are far from mature. It could be that no one has reached this level of maturity, although it's more likely than not someone has. Perhaps even those who reached it did not disclose this information, because they thought it unlikely that another would appreciate, or even believe that knowledge. If this were the case they thought right.

I myself aspire to achieve true maturity...or at least salvage a glimpse of it. To be able to live a life without regard for what other's think- to be able to disregard insults without the slightest feeling of irritation. And most importantly- to move forward through life exactly as I see fit, gaining the ability to nullify any ill affect that others may have on my life. But as of yet, I still have a long way to go. I still have anger when others insult me, or claim to know better than I do in matters concerning my own life. I am continually tormented by people wasting their lives. If am I so easily influenced by those earning the title "scum of the earth" I am indeed a long way from being mature- especially emotionally.

There is another element needed to achieve true independence (and thus maturity) that makes for a much more doable goal, and that is discipline. Once again- I have chosen a more idealistic definition for discipline: I believe that true discipline can only be reached when a person can push themselves to meet goals and necessities with nothing but sheer determination. To clarify what I mean by this- I will put forth the analogy of a person dying of hunger. That person has all the reason in the world to work- because their survival depends on it. To me, a person who only adapts when absolutely necessary has no discipline. You might notice, as I do, that this of course implies that overall the world has no discipline- which is undoubtedly true. True discipline can only be reached by an individual when they can take the initiative to, rather than fullfiling their needs, take measures to ensure that they never need anything in the first place. In other words, preventing needs from ever becoming realities.

I have confirmed this in my mind with a few examples- Having an organized room so it does not need to be cleaned; Paying bills in full to prevent racking up debt...and so on. Pure discipline can be summed in one word- prevention. But to be able to prevent requires initiative- which I, as well as many (if not most) are in need of (ironically!) Although this may seem like an extreme method- I hope to achieve discipline by pushing myself through my college education without the help of a formal institution. If I were to go to college formally, I would be able to easily gain the education I need, but would fail in meeting my need of discipline- because very little can be gained by that method- where you are told by others what to do- and constantly monitored by means of homework, tests, projects, and grades. I do intend to go to college in 6 months- with the assistance of a grant. If I were to go now, I would have to pay a loan until I use a grant next semester- so this being the case, I find it would be a good opportunity to advance myself for 6 months of my own accord until them. Hopefully, in that time I will have learned at least some of the discipline which is required to not only survive (as most of the world does) but thrive, as I plainly have the potential to.

Overprotective

When I was in 7th grade, I participated in a church drama, as the lead role. In retrospect- I see this as the reason for my popularity there, Los Gatos Christian Church; however, until fairly recently I was not even aware that I was popular there. My whole life, or at least until 9 months ago, I lived life in the moment, never looking back- and as a consequence there are many things that I was not aware of...Moving on- at the conclusion of the play, my aunt (who I was living with at the time) remarked that a girl named Elyse Mardock really enjoyed my performance. They say some can fall in love at first sight- but I believe just hearing those words marked the beginnings of my love for her. Conveniently, my aunt was good friends with the Mardock family- and they worked together in several ministries- especially the children's choir (then called "Kid's Vocal Band", presumably as a homage to the Gaither group). I helped Elyse out with the kids, and while our parents (I called my aunt "mom" the entire time I was living with her) organized events and worked with the other teams and choir, Elyse and I spent a lot of time together. We spent a lot of time exploring the church, talking about unimportant things, and she disclosed to me a few of her secrets.

This went on well for a few years, and it was not until a few weeks ago that I uncovered where the trouble actually began. Before that I was sure that it was sudden, in part because I still lived my life "in the moment"- and as such did not realize the signs around me or make the connections. I did not possess the maturity and wisdom to do so. But after carefully thinking...the trouble started when my aunt returned me to the children's shelter. But perhaps some of it began before that; Knowing her, my aunt probably informed Elyse's parents that I was now on medication for mental illness, which naturally created a surge in the risk factor. But my aunt actually deciding to drop me off was probably the catalyst that triggered the ever-increasing paranoia. Well, I thought of it as paranoia at the time (hence the post title), but now I understand that they had good reason.

From the very start, the family was aware that I had lived in a dysfunctional family, and thus subject to the influence to the so-called "post-traumatic stress" (PTSD). To begin with, the Mardocks were very dedicated to ensuring that their children live a future that they intended. Some parents take a non-interventionist style- But it should be obvious that for parents to expect kids to turn out well, they might have to be a Helicopter parent. With my background, I had a high risk-factor to begin with. I was an unnecessary risk- they didn't need me to be friends with their daughter. I have to admit if I was in their shoes, I wouldn't have been so generous- after all, for a parent, children are one of the only means they can leave a mark on the future that can be wholly attributed to themselves (Not that it's a good idea to go that far- being the sole influence of your child is likely to result in antisocial personality traits/behaviorisms). It's likely that the reason I was able to maintain the relationship with my Elyse was because my aunt endorsed it. After my aunt returned me to the shelter, my credibility was lost- and that loss multiplied by my "mental instability" at the time.

For these reasons, they became cautious and limited contact. Although I was not consciously aware of this, my insecurity led to a sort of desperate need to be with her whenever possible. This led to more trouble, and higher levels of what seemed at that point to be paranoia. I dropped out of church for a while, partially because of a lack of transportation...But one day, misinterpreting a group home staff's advice, I confessed my love for her via phone. This action led to a church conference, followed with a warning that if I were to be seen attending the church following the age of majority (18) a restraining order would be put in place. As a result, I left my church, and the multiple friends I had made (I was still very popular, perhaps even more so). But after thinking about it now, and putting all the pieces together- I realize that their actions were justified. In addition, I am grateful for the time they permitted me to spend with Elyse- who was, and still is, my first and only true love.

Career Of Variety

I have always been a person of variety, when it comes to everything. As you may deduct, this also means that I get bored very easy. It is also for this reason that I talk so much, although that does not relate to the topic of this post. In a previous post- I made the decision to make physical science the area that I would look into for career-related education, but just today I have made even a bigger decision, and that is to have a career of variety. More specifically, I have strong gifts in areas that are relatively diverse, and since for that reason I cannot fit them into a single job, I will spend my life cycling between education and work to achieve them in separate jobs. I do not want to know that I have wasted any of my skills or strong personality traits, and because they are so diverse, I am determined to take this approach...- the following are my best strengths (generically speaking) note: although some of these are new, this can be considered a generic and updated version of the top half of this post http://jbcandid.blogspot.com/2007/08/strengths-and-weaknesses.html

1. Scanning: as mentioned in a previous post, I am excellent at scanning just about anything. In addition, I have found that I am especially fast when scanning my own material. *note scanning as in with my eyes, not a machine.

2. Computers: although I am not sure of the ratio of genetics vs. experience for this skill, By this point it must have become a strong personality trait, so I must recognize it as a future career.

3. Attention to detail: although this depends on the circumstances, I am generally very good when it comes to picking out the details of things, and usually have a good idea of what would make it better. This is especially true with words- so I am generally very skilled in correcting papers.

4. Breaking things down: (dissecting if you will) in real time (instantly). I make use of the psychological aspect of this skill on a daily basis, which helps balance my emotions and gives me a better awareness of others' actions.

5. Music: I don't know how much this has to do with my musical background, but I've always had a really good feel for the music- and feel a "natural" enthusiasm especially for songs I know. I've envisioned myself as a conductor for some time now, although I never thought about it seriously.

6. Writing: Well this one should be obvious (not to brag) but I want writing to be one of my careers- simply because I'm really good at it. Because of it's nature though (independent) , I can probably treat it as a hobby though.

7. Public Speaking: I'm skilled in public speaking partly because I have excellent communication skills, and other than that- I have a very captivating and memorable personality. I would prefer writing for the communication part though, simply because I can think things out, and give a much better reflection of my thoughts when writing.

Dreams

update- the thoughts below, although make wonderful food for thought- have (in my mind) been slightly overshadowed by some information I have recently become aware of that suggests that dreams are far more likely to be primarily caused by stress. In some of the examples below, you may find that stress would make even more sense in those circumstances. Furthermore I myself have admitted to living a worry-free lifestyle (although in contrast to the life as should living in relation to my "illnesses" and medical history)- and consequently, I have had almost no dreams overall. This further evidences stress as the predominant factor.

This post is complimentary to the post "My Beliefs About Reincarnation/Evolution", and specifically about the soul. Part is copied from an email.

Most, if not nearly all people take reality for granted- assuming things are as they seem. I believe that souls work together to invent our realities- in order to manipulate our lives. In this way, they improve upon themselves using life as the basis. It could be they do this because they are not able to do so independently- or it could be that they'll taking the easy way out- evolving themselves without having to face the suffering of life head-on.

Update- After thinking about it- it's more likely that both souls and everything else resulted from the "Big Bang", but souls did not actually create the matter. Although it's possible that souls can manipulate and create matter at will, that would give way to far much speculation as to why they did not exert more influence, or why they need us when they could just create their own bodies. For this reason, I believe that souls are what we call "life", and that life is only born once souls decide to possess that matter. Both matter and souls were byproducts were probably products of "The Big Bang", and souls seeking to evolve used matter as a basis, seeing that a physical body made the process far more feasible. However, assuming that this is the case, that would further complicate the question of where to draw the line between the subconscious and soul, as well as the relationship between the two. I may have a better understanding one I have a better understanding of the subconscious and dream-state, for this reason.

In order to experience these benefits, souls must sync regularly with their hosts. Although this is primarily for their benefit- information is passed on that is required for us to continue functioning properly. This is why we need sleep- people familiar with hypnosis, meditation, and similar processes can go a long time without sleep because they are able to complete the sync on their own terms; consequently they also have a better awareness of their relationship to the soul- sometimes referred to as enlightenment.

Dreams are the method used for this transfer, and accordingly it is also the point at which the subconscious mind is closest to the soul. A person has a dream every time they enter a sleep-state to ensure the sync, but they usually only remember the dream if the sync is relatively large. The clarity and vividness of the dream, as well as your own self-awareness during it is directly proportional to the amount of information between you and the soul being synced.

Although people attempt to explain it away with other reasons, I believe that the reason why the amount of dreams women have while pregnant dramatically increases during pregnancy is one that substantiates my theory: It's because a large amount of information is being passed to them during that time, to ensure a healthy baby. From that perspective, it would also mean that a miscarriage occurs either when not enough information was passed, or the information that was did not sync properly. Reasons for miscarriage according to sources usually involve age, illness, foreign drugs (i.e. alcohol, etc.) and defective body parts. This would suggest that the majority of miscarriages occur due to a failed sync. However, if a person does not have dreams during pregnancy, it would mean that relatively little information is being passed, which could indicate a miscarriage.

Further information about the soul can be found in the fantasy novel I'm writing, "Essence Of The Soul"

update- this novel is discontinued due to personal dissatisfaction.

The Power of Parenting

People can make all the excuses they want for why their children could have turned bad, but if they really wanted to, they could have had them turn out exactly how they wanted them to. The problem is that parents aren't aware of the potential power they have over their children's, future, and more than that- are not willing or prepared to take full advantage of that potential. Now it's true that a child's future is determined by who they are influenced by, and generally that is not limited to parents. But they parents have full control over who those people are, or if there are any other people at all. In the cases that there are no other people (I don't recommend this of course) you have full control- but their future is relatively limited. IMO the best example of this in the media is the movie "Unleashed". In this movie, a man and his goons kill the boy's mom, and he decides the become the boy's guardian. The boy then grows to be a man, locked up in a cell and released only to practice killing people. Because this man took full control, the boy knew nothing except how to kill, and for this reason he was very good at it. Unfortunately for the man, the boy (now grown up) had a chance meeting with a piano tuner- and after a car accident (in which it was assumed he was the only survivor) he found his way to the piano tuner, as eventually became a completely different person than he would have otherwise.

As such that movie perfectly illustrated the level of potential power we have over children. But obviously we would not want to limit our children's future by cutting off outside contact, nor would we want to leave them to the wild. As is emphasized in past posts, The key here too is balance, and of course dedication and a high awareness of how the children are maturing, learning, growing up, and who besides yourself influences them. Ideally, a parent would be throughly informed before allowing contact with anyone, exert a high amount of influence over their education (i.e. homeschooling) keep an in-depth record of their daily activities (by which to analyze to ensure optimum results),etc. Homeschooling would of course require an alternative outlet for meeting social needs, which might prove difficult, since it goes against the current structure.

But even assuming that the parent had 10 years of active preparation (as I will) and have a large amount of funds by which to ensure plenty of time to take an active role in molding their future (for me that is the plan, but we'll see) no one's perfect- but still, we should do the best that we can.

Since it is fairly related, I will add part of an email I wrote recently:

you should consider that just because a child gets spankings doesn't mean that they proceed through life as the parent intended. In fact, given the intelligence endowed upon human beings, the spankings are highly likely to backfire due to the conflicting logic resulting from a child's self awareness. For this reason, parents should recognize that their children's minds are moderately complex, and take a more direct approach.

the reason why that parents spank their children is, in simplest terms, because they are lazy and uncommitted. most do not realize this, but that's how it is.

to clarify- if a parents spanks their child, the child will stop what they're doing, and after being spanked a few times, they will soon adapt, thus accomplishing the purpose.

while at first glance this may seem the best way (more efficient) there are many drawbacks:

1. The child may adapt in a way that goes against the parent's original intentions.

2. The child is much more likely to become rebellious by the time puberty takes affect (due to a sudden sense of freedom- the first things the child wants to do is that which is prohibited- the extreme form of punishment the parent gave them makes that which the parents prohibit tempting and interesting, in direct proportion to the level of corporal punishment previously administered.

3. The stress and pain caused by corporal punishment tends to have a negative affect on the child's future, overall.