Those who cannot trust cannot be trusted

Playing The Victim

2008-01-30T09:17:00.001-08:00

As much as I'd like to say that I've spent years giving life my all to have reached this point- truth be told, it has only been about a year since I actually started taking life seriously, facing reality- or, more accurately, myself. To add to that (or should I say subtract)- the first 6 months of that year were nullified as they were laid waste to by the utter chaos, drama, and negative emotion that I experienced during that time. This was to be expected- after all, when I stopped taking my medications, withdrawal effect is inevitable. Stopping taking medication was most certainly for the best, but I had been taking significantly high doses for an extended period of time- it took a while for my mind to adapt. So now I've begun thinking, "If I have advanced so far in just 6 months, why have I failed to get beyond this point in my nearly 20 years of living experience?" Of course, the first 10-15 years I was still developing- but for at 4-5 years, I have failed to grasp the amazing amount of opportunities of life that (being who I am) I have inherited.

That's not to say that I regret the path I have taken in the journey of life thus far- after all, were it not as such, I may have not been able in this manner in retrospect, and would not have been saturated with this inspiration with such force as to properly use that newfound knowledge towards living the best I can in the future. In addition, there are many experiences that I could not have had otherwise, so I am grateful for that knowledge. (Even if it doesn't nearly qualify as "sophisticated". But still, it would clearly be foolish not to take into consideration the potential that I could have had- for only then can I truly muster the motivation needed to achieve my potential.

The other day, I assumed the role of a therapist by listening to a coworker, and offering advice regarding their emotional problems and the presumed causes thereof. She seemed to be suffering from acute depression, which rooted back to a more-than-unfriendly encounter with and old guy in Germany. My coworker claimed that the comments that he forced on her (which in retrospect, make no logical sense) essentially ruined her life, effectively locking her away in a psychological hole, and preventing her from moving on with life, for all intensive purposes. (for the record, that was not what she said, but rather a sophisticated elaborated paraphrase on my part). My advice to her, was that the first step towards curing depression, is to blame yourself for whatever happens, regardless of the circumstances- instead of blaming others. While this may sound harsh from the surface, such an action gives the respective individuals complete power over the situation.

Regardless of how qualified someone is to "play the victim", indulgence in it is never the best course of action. Victims are, by nature, helpless. They cannot do anything at all except wait (*note that once a victim is saved, they are no longer victims). If, or as long as they are not saved, victims are essentially useless. However, if an individual places blame upon themselves, it puts them in complete control. Even if that power is achieved in a negative way, it's crucially important for individuals to recognize the power that each of us have over our own lives. Only then can we begin to bring about positive changes in the quality of our lives.

There are few individuals more qualified than I am for making statements such as these- after all, I have a significantly long history of "playing the victim" (about 4-5 years of it). When, due to strenuous circumstances, I was forcibly separated from my parents by social services, I remained suspended in shock (due to post-traumatic stress) for a few months. After about 5 months in the children's shelter to which I was relocated, I was taken in by my aunt- still too confused to comprehend the chaos that had saturated my life. I spent roughly 2 1/2 year living with my aunt, enjoying a relatively normal life, and even having the luxury of attending private schools. But then, without any warning, she announced on Christmas day that she was taking me back to the children's shelter in the morning. On December 26, 2002- she actually went through with it. After residing at the children's shelter for 2 more months, I began my chaotic trek through the group home system. Although I did not gain awareness of it until much later, it was then that I began blaming the "system" for how pathetic my life had become- from then on, I hated the "system" with a passion.

My misdirected enmity and victim-like mindset rapidly grew like a virus; the increase in variety and dosage of various medication further instigated further issues. Aside from not actually needing medication to begin with, there is one crucial problem with the effects of most psychological medications: In addition to the inevitably inconvenient side-effects, they also have a tendency to increase inhibitions. While the purpose is served by, under more mild circumstances, successfully calming the patient- this also results in a more passive outlook towards reality, which keeps patients from facing and dealing with reality. As a result, I was not able to determine and solve the many issues that I had accumulated amidst the chaos surrounding me for quite some time. I was "playing the victim", but, due in part to the medications, I was not even aware of it. As such a mindset reflects badly upon performance, my grades continued to suffer. In addition, "playing the victim" naturally makes anyone an easy target for bullying- this is likely a large part of why I was subject to this kind of mistreatment. Because I was focused on such petty things, I failed to recognize many important elements of socialization, and so performed poorly in this area as well. I simply lived life "in the moment", and never gave a thought as to what kind of person I wanted to be, or even what I wanted to do later on in life. I had an incredible amount of potential, but I could not develop or recognize it because of this one simple thing.

Now that I am off medication, I realize that I was "playing the victim". I am continually amazed at how much better the "system" was than I gave it credit for. To be honest, in retrospect I would say they spoiled me too much. I would never have even imagined the possibility of myself saying those words. I would have been the "worst of blasphemies". That being said, some of the best advice that I can give for life is don't.....(you know the words)

Enlightenment

2008-01-30T09:16:00.000-08:00

In my post "a lot of thinking", I mentioned having a feeling that I had never felt before- one that I could not even determine the name for it. Despite it having such an ambiguous aura to it, Something about it also had the definite aura of being highly important. I felt that if I could pinpoint this ever-evasive feeling, I would be given a glimpse of the meaning life, and priceless insights into the nature of it. Although it would be impossible for me to confirm such an abstract thing as this, I believe that as of now, I have indeed achieve pinpointing that feeling. This is not to say that I can name it (all things considered, such a cosmically important and unique feeling could not possibly have a name). Rather, I now understand the importance and meaning of this feeling. Although I cannot remember exactly when, or even how this landmark revelation manifested itself, for the past few days since, this feeling has continued to further clarify itself, and its presence has amplified several times over since.

Adding to this already incredible scenario, I have, at the same time, gained perfection of the two qualities that, up to this point, I have desired most: Peace and Satisfaction. I have finally reached the point where I have wholly achieved and mastered two of the most vital elements key to success among humans. Well, I say finally, but, truth be told, It has only been 6 or so months since I began writing, and of that a mere couple months since I have seriously aspired to find the meaning of life. At this point though- every day, I live a lifetime- and that's no exaggeration. It really is a wonderful feeling- Time itself has become irrelevant.

Now when I look at and think about the state of the world, I only see beauty and perfection. The world was always just as beautiful and perfect, I just failed to notice it until now. I look forward to sharing the sights I see with all willing and open-minded enough to receive it- after all, Anyone can share with me this feeling- all that is needed is for those of the world to accept it. I get a sort of irony thinking about it- this concept kind of reminds me of one of the core Christian creeds "He gives the gift- all that we need to do is receive it". But anyway, I feel that this is one of the most, if not the most important thing I've realized. Of course, words cannot properly convey it to you, but hopefully, someday you'll look back and say "so that's what he was talking about..." Seeing the world in this way, and time becoming so irrelevant, I feel that I have become a god, or "Buddha" (if you will)

"Everything will turn out just the way it's meant to, regardless of the outcome"- that's the way I see it.

Oops

2008-01-18T23:52:00.000-08:00

this is the continuation of the "Betrayal" and "Friendship" posts, and as such is preserved in its original email form.

as I said several times (although I sensed you had inadvertently misunderstood) I have no opinion as to whether we should continue. or rather, I have mixed feelings that cancel each other out, thus preventing me from being able to make a decision. as such, I left the decision up to you. you said that you deleted all the emails. that really is a pity (if you did), because there is a lot of good content (IMO) in them, both in intellectual and nostalgic respects.

I don't know how to make you believe me, but the course of events is not something that I wanted. not that I did not want it either- optimistic as I am, I feel that both of us can learn and grow from these experiences.

On one hand, I think interaction between us would be healthy in many ways. But on the other, I would feel guilty continuing relations considering it would be highly unbalanced. After thinking about it for a long time, I have concluded that I have never had friends. friendship is something that is supposed to happen naturally, which means (a) I am missing something or (b) I am not capable of making friends. optimistic as I am, I am acting on the basis that I am simply missing something, but there lies the problem of what that was. I sent you an email confirming that it was probably a result of my aunt, but after thinking further, I have decided that this is unlikely the reason. I think it's unlikely that it had any affect, but- though I cannot be sure, I am almost positive that I never had friends, even before that. I have always struggled with making friends (I first became aware of the problem when I entered 1st grade of grammar school. It's much more likely that, wanting to have friends like everyone else, for social reasons and also to "fit in", I gave myself the illusion that I had friends, when I in fact did not. there were people who I was a friend to, yourself included, but I could not reciprocate. I feel that there is a good possibility that my lack of planning and organization (despite having a great eye for detail) are defense mechanisms I created to cope and adapt to the otherwise harsh reality. If I was more mature, and/or people around me (especially my parents/guardians) had been aware of the problem, I could have dealt with it, but this is not the case. Unfortunately, you were the last in a long line of one-sided friendships- but on the bright side, you are not alone. You are the only one that has experienced full awareness of being thrust out of the illusion. Hopefully you can be consoled a little by the positive impact you had on my life, even if it was inadvertent.

I am continually confounded by the implications of me not having friends. I search my memories in retrospect each day and find new insights into an otherwise mysterious past. There are all kinds of things that, when looking at them in this new light, provide both a unique kind of humor and ironic truth. I do not regret the way things have turned out thus far- in fact I would have preferred it this way. I firmly believe that for me to have reached this point, all that has happened, both negative and positive, was vital for it. You may have had to suffer for me to reap these benefits, and I sympathize as much as I am (honestly) capable. I promise that the success that I reach in life as a result of these events will outweigh the trouble that I have caused you, so rest assured.

you are free to contact me, or invite me over, but I want to make sure that you understand the status of things. I can learn to respect you, but it will be out of habit, not out of love. habits can be forced into being, but love can only happen naturally, just as friendship does. ps.- you were right about love and respect going hand and hand. while respect can be made a habit, true respect (respect that comes naturally) can only happen with love. Perhaps I could be a "friend" to you, as a way of making up for the trouble I've caused. by that, I mean that I will take the initiative and forcibly make you the most important person in my life. Now that I am aware of the truth, there is the possibility that I may naturally become actual friends with you. There also lies the possibility that friendship can be gained with habits. Outside instinct, friendship and love may just be habits that come naturally. If that is the case, friendship and love can be made a reality through pure effort. (any habit that comes naturally can potentially also be forced) I think I'd like to look into this as it would be a good alternative for one such as myself. I know fully that you do not agree with the validity of these views, but you have to admit, it would be fortunate if they were valid, in these circumstances- right? just some food for thought...

so hopefully we can reach a point where we can continue relations, even if it is compromised. Life isn't perfect- hopefully you can appreciate my imperfection, just as I have learned to appreciate the imperfection of life. (see my Enlightenment post)

Preface

2007-12-30T14:49:00.001-08:00

For a while now, I have planned to convert my blog into a book; now that I've written almost enough material to complete this project, I thought it appropriate to write the preface- so here it is:

The Holy [Christian] Bible, or any major religious texts for that matter, are treated as divine and with utmost respect. Yet, if one reads it/them face-value, the writing can and will contain inconsistencies and contradictions. To clear up these discrepancies, we must first realize that truth can only be understood after taking everything into account. Furthermore, nothing can exist without and opposite by which to define it (i.e. good cannot exist without evil- if evil did not exist there would be nothing to judge good by). This particular issue is acknowledged by Paul in Romans 4:15 "For if those who live by law are heirs, faith has no value and the promise is worthless, 15because law brings wrath. And where there is no law there is no transgression." and in Genesis it's personified in the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. Well, (all things considered) this is actually dependent upon a certain factor, which so happens to also be the one that determines ones response to the classic hypothetical question, "If a tree falls and nothing else is around, does it make a sound?" If you believe that the tree does make a sound, you would probably also say that good does not need evil to exist. This would also mean that most, if not all Christians agree that the tree does make a sound. Or rather, to not believe such would be inconsistent. (The Bible clearly states that God cannot coexist with sin; In its basic form, sin would be defined as imperfection- which (of course) is the opposite of God.)

You'll find a lot of tangents like the one above throughout this book- hopefully they will ensure that your interest is held. This should be the case since, after all, it would make variety inevitable, as well as allow your mind to wander more freely, rather than being confined to the given topic being addressed. If I were to be honest, however, the tangents were (and are) not planned in the least. I have decided to keep them both as a personal trademark and in the hope that it will provide further insight into my character- which is the secondary priority of this book. The first priority, if you have not guessed already, is to server as a guide to life and instill inspirations regarding the many aspect of life and the confounding beauty thereof. Getting back on topic: upon realizing that truth can only be realized after taking everything into account, we should read the Bible under that "everything" is found therein. In other words, the Bible is inconsistent and contradictory because it takes everything into account. If one reads the Bible like a novel (which is only truly understood when read as a whole) they would be one "step" closer to the truth.

It is my desire (and I suggest it be yours) that you read this book in that same way. This is a natural necessity if you wish to experience the full flavor and effect possible, after all. I have also integrated details about (and when I say details, I mean everything!) because (1) I feel that to properly convey to you what is intended, you must first know and understand who I am; and (2) this book was originally an online journal (in the form of a blog), so it would be a pain to have to sort through it all. Upon finishing this book in its entirety, I would highly recommend you read through it again. I guarantee you will discover something new each time, given that your mind is open enough to find it.

Living Contradiction

2007-12-28T14:13:00.000-08:00

When I think about myself, I am quite amused- I see all the contradictions that are myself:

1. I'm a very sociable person, But I have no friends.
2. There is nothing I am afraid of, but I rarely ever go outside (except for work).
3. I reveal everything about myself to everyone in the world (via this blog), but even those that spend every hour with me know very little about me.
4. I have maturity that exceeds what most people have in their lives, but I am only 19.
5. I strongly prefer spending time with others, and yet I spend nearly all my free time glued to the computer.
6. I'm constantly humored by the smallest of things, but anyone who didn't know better would say I had no sense of humor.

Then, there are of course other unique qualities:

1. I usually don't (consciously) put any thought into what I say before I say it, but always say exactly what I intend to.
2. Several times per day, I become aware that I am thinking about a lot of things without consciously knowing what those things are.
3. I get deja vu constantly, and especially while watching video content.
4. Meditation comes natural for me, and I frequently make use of it. (In fact, I habitually meditate every time I take a shower or go on walks)
5. As far as I can remember, I have never been fully aware of my thoughts (only partially aware)
6. I lack the ability to visualize anything, be it old memories, or split seconds.
7. I completely lack jealousy.
8. There is no one in this world that I feel negatively about.
9. Everyone in the world is of essentially equal value to me, regardless of my relationship to them.
10. I am not afraid of death.
11. At my young age, I am completely satisfied with how I have lived my life, and would not have any regrets if I were to die right here and now.
12. I can sing songs I know perfectly without being aware of what I'm singing. In fact, I sing songs better when this is the case. It's usually involuntary, but [now that I know the catalyst] I can also do it on cue.
13. I have the ability to break down my environment in real-time (and analyze it), and I make regular use of that ability.

There are probably other unique qualities and "living contradictions", but this will do for now.

Betrayal

2007-12-19T17:27:00.000-08:00

Although I will probably edit it later on, for the time being I will keep this post in it's raw form, which is the email response I sent today. the email contents are generic, so this shouldn't be a problem.

I never said I did not want to be your friend. I said that you cannot be my friend- which, although you have made clear you cannot comprehend the difference- at least in my mind there is. it's very simple- you feel a bond between us, and feel a sense of loss because we have been out of contact.

recently I have found an even more convincing proof that you could not possibly be my friend. yesterday I realized that friendship requires that friends be more important to each other than anyone else- or, rather- friendship is only possible at that point. I believe that, although I have not ever felt the bond or loss, I have at one point had people that were more important to me than others- in fact, many people. However, as of now this is not the case- which is why you cannot be my friend.

you're continuing to misunderstand- it's not that I don't want you to be my friend- it's just that I have no choice in the matter. you of all people should know that friendship cannot be forced, it can only happen naturally. In the same way, if friendship between us truly existed, for me to say "we are not friends anymore" would be a lie, unless we had been going downhill for quite sometime. Of course if that were the case, for me to make such a statement would not be surprising to you.

the truth is that I have no choice in the matter. don't blame me- blame nature. or I guess blame God if you wish. I can probably make the change later on, although I doubt we would be friends even then, because it's likely that at the point I would have no reason for you to be my friend, since that was never the case in the first place.

from the very beginning, like it or not, I was using you. that is the reason why I thought it would be in both of our best interests. If you think about it, after taking away the psychological bond, and add to that your lack of importance to me, that's all that is left, right. there is nothing that I trust or reveal to you that I would not anyone else, and you are no more important to me than anyone else would be.

you also should understand that this is also something that I can not control- friendship and individuals being important to each other are strictly natural occurrences- I could not force you to be important to me even if I wanted to.

thanks to this email of yours though, I was able to to gain more insights hinting at the source of the problem. for example, I think that it's far more likely that the lack of bonding and loss is actually caused by me lacking people important to me. This being the case, the root of the problem might be that no one is important to me than any others.

at the times that there were people that were important to me, I can easily confirm that I lacked both the emotional maturity and biological development to be aware of psychological bonding and the associated loss. to add to this, wikipedia clarifies that most people are not aware of the bond until after they experience the loss. being thrust into chaos and still young, it's only natural that I would not be aware of it, or- even if I was, the memories would be either forgotten, diluted, or incomprehensible.

on those grounds, I think the most likely possibility would be that one or more events occurred at some point that inadvertently resulted in me treating everyone else as having equal importance- which resulted in me neglecting to hold onto my friends, including those that I would make later on. In the original craigslist ad by which we met, I expressed concerns about not having friends. It would be a safe guess that this was the point at which I finally realized the dilemma.

Most likely, I changed to make everyone I knew as having the same importance to deal with issues at the time. In other words, those who were important to me betrayed me, and I underwent psychological change in order to cope with it.

I guess it might be ironic, but thanks again for your email. (see if you can guess from what I write below what exactly about your email is (ironically) helping me)

I have, in the course of this email (with help from my best [productive] skill- which is deductive reasoning. the source of the problem is that my aunt betrayed me. although I did not realize it until now, I underwent change to cope with her betrayal by setting an unsaid law in my mind that no one is more important to me than any other. that this is the case is a bit disappointing though (I was optimistically hoping that it was more proof of me being biologically evolved, lol) - bu seriously: thank you very much for sending me this email (although you had no clue as to how helpful it would be to me, of course.)

if you wish, I can continue to "use" you until I have used this "newfound" knowledge to solve the problem.

if you think about it, you would have never known if I did not tell you because these kind of things can only be determined on an individual basis. I could have continued forever like that, but- as you well know- my honesty does not permit me to have such a friendship under false pretenses.

It's all up to you.

Hypothetical Answers

2007-12-18T16:10:00.001-08:00

A while ago I started writing original hypothetical questions that each have the aim of revealing information about those who answer that could not be obtained otherwise (although this is actually the purpose behind all hypothetical questions in general- I tried to make mine as character-defining as possible.) The goal was to create 21 questions, and then create an OkCupid test with a pun ("The 21 hypothetical questions test"). However, I stopped at 8 questions, and never got around to finishing it. As such, I will only give 8 answers for the time being, and follow each answer up with my reason why. Naturally, this will reveal information about myself that I could not adequately express otherwise, thus serving the purpose of the questions.

1. Q: which is more beautiful, a human falling in love or an AI (artificial intelligence, i.e. android)?
A: An AI
why: Because an AI falling in love would be a novelty, and very unlikely. I haven't really thought farther than that, but my feelings tell me that an AI falling in love would be the most beautiful, and also something I really would like to see happen.

2. Q: If you had a choice between infinite satisfaction and zero peace, or infinite peace and zero satisfaction, which would you choose?
A: Although this is probably biased by having already practically experienced the latter (human beings always yearn for what they don't have more than what they have) I would choose zero peace and infinite satisfaction.
why: I suppose probably because I'm curious of that which I have not experienced, and wish to verify my intuition which tells me that the latter would be much better, at least for me.

3. Q:Would you rather have a bad tempered God that you know everything about, or a nonchalant God that you know nothing about?
A: I would rather have a nonchalant God I know nothing about.
why: It would give me the power to live life as I see fit. Although I would want to know who God is, that knowledge wouldn't do me any good if God was bad-tempered.

4. Q: If a deity offered to let you reincarnate and live the life of your choice, but the price was to die at 40, would you do it?
A: I would agree.
why: according to studies, the intelligence peaks at age 27, so doing all that I wanted to would not be a problem; furthermore, whatever we have lived in our life so far is irrelevant (as proven by [a] we cannot go back and change anything we have already done, even though we remember is and [b] the memories of people can easily be manipulated or destroyed.) That being the case, this choice should be taken. After all, I might prefer to die at age 40 anyway :)

5. Q: Would you rather have a laptop that does everything instantly but crashes every 5 minutes, or a five year old laptop that lasts forever and never crashes once?
A: A laptop that does everything instantly but crashes every 5 minutes.
why: I'm a very impatient person, but one of the positive results of that is that I am very quick-thinking. I would want a laptop that could think as fast as I do, even if I had to reboot it constantly. For the things that take longer than 5 minutes (i.e. anime) I'll just use my desktop computer :)

6. Q: If your ideal mate said they would stay with you forever, but in exchange you must not have sex for the rest of your life, would you agree? (note this question may need tweaking to compensate for such variables as love.)
A: yes.
why: Even after going over it in my head countless times, my conclusion is that sex is not necessary, and the reason some people think it is only day that because they are addicted to it. I have considered myself a hopeless romantic (although this belief has been put on hold due to circumstances) but in either case, there is nothing in this world that I want more than love. that of course means that I would trade my well-being, or even the knowledge that I have gained thus far, if I would get eternal love (eternal of course meaning for the rest of my life) in return. Although love is not part of the original question, I believe that love is inevitable when people share enough strong memories- so it will come in time.

7. Q: Assuming you are in your early teens, if a man offered to sign a legal contract to pay you $1,000,000 if you place yourself into a coma for 20 years, would you do it? (all medical bills are reimbursed as well)
A: No I would not
why: although I would be able to accomplish my goals with that money, [a] that would have passed 27 (the age that intelligence peaks at) and would be too close to age 40 (I would want most of my current goals to be accomplished by that age). Also, as The Beatles would say, "money can't buy me love"- in a more general sense, all my goals have little relevance to money, so that money is essentially worthless to me.

8. Q: If there was a way to have any wish of yours granted, but there was a 50% chance you would pay for it with your life, would you take the risk?
A: No.
why: (1) I've gambled enough to know that I'm unlucky (especially at cards) so I would probably die if I did :) (2) even if I was lucky, I would prefer to make my wishes come true through my own power. Although having the heart's desire may appear to satisfy in the short run, most of satisfaction should come from achieving it on one's own. Human beings desire things so that they can achieve it. As such, having that which one did not achieve is essentially meaningless.

Truth

2007-12-18T11:57:00.000-08:00

It is my firm belief that truth is fundamentally unknowable, and that the closest thing to truth that can be found is likely to be a middle ground or compromise between all perspectives and opinions in existence. This thought in mind, I have made it a priority to find the middle ground of all aspects of life, or more broadly, of the universe. With that information I aim to determine the relevance of these middle grounds to truth and reality. Of course, there are many different opinions and perspectives about many different things- infinite might be attributable to both. But I do not have these goals because I desire to achieve them, but quite wisimply so that I have the opportunity to work toward them. Now before you experience some unnecessary confusion, let me clarify: In one of my first posts titled Our Purpose, I remarked upon one of the greatest paradoxes of humanity, which is the need to have a purpose. Specifically, humans need to have a purpose in order to maintain the will to live. That is, if we do not have a purpose then we are not needed, and if we are not needed there is no reason for us to exist. As explained in the "Our Purpose" post, the irony of this is that (for the same reason) (a) we will never accomplish our purpose or (b) we accomplish it, or deny ever having one- both of which result in losing the will to live. This is likely the reason why many people choose to have children- the hope that their offspring will accomplish whatever purpose(s) they could/did not; a real-life application of the idiom "passing the baton".

However, I have found a different solution to the paradox of out purpose. It's both very simple and very complex; the simple part is the action- I reconcile it by not having any expectations. Though easy to grasp from the surface, the underlying meaning continue to confound me. There are several advantages to not having expectations- after all, they're completely unnecessary and are ultimately reap negative results. Nothing can be gained from expectations; even in the cases that they may seem useful, they are only useful to those lacking in maturity. A mature person would not need to rely on other's expectations, or issue expectations to rely on. After all, at that point one such individual could push themselves forward independently, and would not feel the need to interfere with other's lives.. With these thoughts in mind, I live my life with a purpose, but do not expect to achieve it. Instead of allowing myself to be concerned with such trivial matters, I just keep moving forward, savoring all that I can of the journey that is life. Getting back on the topic of this post (Truth) I would first like to ensure that "we are on the same page" (Which I am sure "we are not").

For starts, I'm going to inform you of my definition of some words, and explain my reasoning behind these definitions. I make a habit (or should I say "obsession") of not taking words for granted. Of course, words are simply a channel by which to communicate, and there are no set definitions. But I try to ensure that (a) that those I communicate with know exactly what I mean when I use certain words & (b) that as many perspectives are covered as possible when the word comes into play. The latter would be a prerequisite to knowing truth, after all.

Opinion- An entity's personal understanding of a given aspect of reality.
Fact- a guideline created by certain influences (determined as credible due to (a) political status (b) theistic value (c) reputation (d) democratic consensus (e) brute force - among other things. Facts do not equate to truth, but exist merely to help intelligent beings adapt and cope with an otherwise chaotic (disorderly and unpredictable) reality. For example, I believe that reality and truth are fundamentally unknowable, but to live life on that basis would be madness. Not only would I not be able to live peacefully, but I wouldn't know what to do in the first place. I would essentially be living my life "by the role of the die." Few people [if any] would desire such a lifestyle- which is why facts exist.

ps- if you regularly keep tabs with my blog (which you don't) you may have realized that IMO (In my opinion) facts are very similar to traditions in this respect (see Habits post). *Note- this would equate facts to "universally accepted opinions"

Concept- a collection of several (potentially infinite) perspectives and opinions of a given aspect of reality. As you might have noticed, concepts are the "middle ground" that I aspire to find. Come to think of it, this is also probably the reason why no concept can actually be defined (see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Concept )To further complicate things, there are potentially infinite amount of concepts- that is, anything can be a concept. For these reasons, concepts can only exist on an individual basis. (Each person's "concept" of a given concept is a little bit different). However, there are countless concepts that are universally accepted enough to be given names. In the same way, concepts also exist to make the differences of individuals' opinions and perspectives more manageable. For some time I have dedicated myself to becoming more knowledgeable of concepts, in particular of those that are universal. This is reflected in my blog, in that the majority of it is dedicated to explaining various concepts- notably relativity, adaptation, theology, philosophy, psychology, reality, and love. So I guess that would give me a "head-start" in my journey towards finding truth (not that it matters much, since I won't be able to find truth anyway) : - )

Habits

2007-12-18T11:56:00.000-08:00

Throughout history, tradition has been a driving force in shaping society. Young people hate it, and old people love it. I myself at one time was passively rebelled against tradition...not to say I still don't, but now I have a better understanding of it, and can better appreciate its purpose. The reason I could not understand tradition is because I was not asking the right questions. I stubbornly focused on asking myself whether or not I should validate certain norms, when instead I should have asked why they exist in the first place. Only then can I evaluate and appreciate tradition for what it really is. Traditions are essentially universal habits that have been practiced for a long time. But asking "why?" results in the same insights for all habits. For example, if a person makes a habit of bullying, "just because they do" would not make such a habit right- and the consensus implies the exact opposite. But upon inquiring as to the reason why they bully (of course not by asking them- it's unlikely that most bullies could tell you *because they themselves do not usually know why they bully), you would realize that they are insecure and have low self-esteem. For this reason, they attempt to make others look pathetic to compensate for it. Having so much power over others gives bullies a social "high", and they are likely to continue with that as motivation, until it becomes a habit.

To truly understand the importance of habits, I will use computers for an analogy: Computers can operate normally without the hard disk, cache, or perhaps even ram. But if that was the case, no information would be stored, and every thing you did would have to be done from scratch. Come to think of it, this is precisely the case with the consumer calculator. Although working in such a manner is doable, it's very inefficient, troublesome and tedious. hard disks, cache, and ram exist to ensure that certain information is saved so that it does not need to be done again. In addition to preserving whatever information you put on there, the computer automatically saves the data that is needed the most, thus drastically improving the performance of the computer. In the same way, habits improve our performance- our brain collects information that (based on our living patterns) we need most, and leaves those things in an obvious and easily accessible place.

There is an upside and downside to this: Because we can easily access that which we have made a habit, we are able to have excellent performance in the areas the habits affect. The downside is something similar to an addiction- in that (depending on the habit) it's very difficult to quit a habit, and after we do, there is a chance of cravings and withdrawal. It's also important to understand the reason for this- the brain is hit with recoil when we attempt to quit or change a habit, because we are forcing ourselves to adapt twice as much in the same time-frame- Once to get rid of the habit, and once to manually make decisions that were normally made automatically by the habit. The reason for cravings and withdrawal is that the brain, sensing possible overload, sends signals to the pleasure-center to compensate, and suggests returning to the "default settings" (the habits). Based on this deduction, it can be assumed that those who can adapt easier are also able to change habits easier- but of course this is only speculation.

All things considered, habits are an essential part of who people are. Nearly every personality trait in existence is a habit; it's hard for people to change who they are for the same reason that it's hard to change habits. The only difference is that most personality traits have been rooted deep by time, as well as frequent use. After all, the strength of habits is determined primarily by these two factors. A few years ago, I had determined that I should "be myself", because trying to change who I was at the time didn't work as planned. Now I realize that this was only because I changed half-heartedly, and didn't put enough time and effort into it. In most cases, depending upon the person's goals, a successful life is dependent primarily upon habits. I would even go so far as to say that when a person's life is destroyed or improved, the culprit in most cases would be their habits. Of course, it's not that simple- habits could not have done it without the help of countless other variables and factors. But still, the importance of this is something worth considering.

To add to this [literally- this is a last-minute edit], I think it's crystal-clear that habits are the key to success. That is, developing good habits and dodging bad ones are a prerequisite for anyone intending to live an exceptionally successful life. For example- an overweight person could have easily prevented being such, if they had healthy eating habits. While it is true that metabolism is to blame in most cases, that only means that those with slow metabolism should eat a lot less. Eating is arguably the easiest and most reliable instant gratification there is. This poses a problem for those suffering from depression- as they will seeking the quickest and easiest path to escaping from their problems possible. Unfortunately, eating is not meant for entertainment (as it seems the obese American society find it to be), but just as fuel and maintenance for life. It's somewhat important for food to be enjoyable (and in some cases- aesthetically pleasing)- but habits can make just about anything taste good eventually, utilizing the power of relativity. That's how people develop "acquired tastes", or how things "grow on you", after all. In other words, you just need to just used to it.

In the same way, by developing good habits, a person can stop worrying about everyday things, and concentrate all their energy towards living life exceptionally...This is why habits are so vital to success.

Confusion

2007-12-18T11:21:00.000-08:00

In my Prodigal Son post, I had made arguments for myself that I felt would be sufficient to return to being a Christian. However, as I thought might be the case, it was not. Even though I can accept that it's the closest thing to the truth...and furthermore that regardless of what I choose it's probably a lie due to reality being unknowable; I seriously doubt that a logical consensus will be possible within my own mind. I am constantly ravaged by conflicts and contradictions, causing unceasing confusion and chaos. I have been getting headaches constantly- hardly "peace that surpasses understanding." Perhaps I will "experience God" or discover further insights into the true nature of things, but if God is benevolent, surely it is his will that I put these matters on hold until I can deal with them. It is my belief that truth, if it exists, can only be found after taking into account all perspectives, regardless of popularity (This of course includes that which might ordinarily be perceived as evil). Blaise Pascal contributed to decision theory with Pascal's Wager. Of course there were criticisms, notably by Voltaire, and one of the primary reasons was the possibility that God actually rewards disbelief and punishes belief- which is (of course) an inversion of the original wager. The premise is that "blindly" taking anything on faith could be characteristic of being morally lazy, irresponsible, and untrustworthy (among other things). If I were to be honest with myself, this would be closest to what I myself believe- which is likely why the conflicts of logic are causing so much trouble for me.

For a being to be our God, he must of course have common sense. So, assuming that God exists, he would not blame us for not believing in him, since, like it or not, that belief would be intrinsically irrelevant anyway. History has proven that I person's morality has nothing to do with what God(s) they believe in, or even if they believe in one at all. That itself doesn't even take into account the concern of whether we can truly count on anyone but ourself when it comes to determining the true nature of morality. If God were reasonable, he would not sacrifice his son to save us, and them feel compelled to sentence us to eternal damnation, regardless of our actual moral worth. Or, if God does, then he does not exist (the concept of God would require that God is not compelled to do anything). This is of course only hypothetical, but reserves room for concern.

to be continued...

Irrelevance

2007-12-15T07:32:00.000-08:00

In past posts I have stated a few things that I have never had a problem with: There is nothing I have not forgiven, I have never been jealous, there is no one I do not trust, I'm honest and open about everything, There is no one I hate, etc. From the perspective of the vast majority of people, such things are amazing, so much that they are unbelievable. But I realized recently that they do not in anyway reflect on me as being virtuous, or anything of that nature. This is because the only reason I am able to have such qualities is because they are irrelevant. Specifically, the perspectives I have on life make such a lifestyle only natural. I see condemnation, jealousy, hate, distrust, dishonesty, and anonymity as unproductive. Furthermore, I have no problem whatsoever maintaining them- or, rather...There is no reason to do otherwise. When I consider that- ultimately, people cannot help what they do- there is nothing that needs forgiveness. In other words, the truth is- I have never forgiven anyone- because there has never been anyone I needed to forgive. Nor would it actually matter if I forgave anyone.

Take this into account- most of the time people apologize they do not actually regret what they did, and if they did regret- it would be disrespectful to the person they troubled. The reason for this is because, in an of itself, regret is exclusively negative, and as such, nothing good can come out of it. To make use of classic wisdom, "Two wrongs don't make a right"- and as far as I can tell, regret can only be wrong. *Note that there is a big difference between regret and repentance. Inversely, There are plenty of people that regret even though they do not say so...It's likely that most people regret many things in their life- and as such, it's only natural that the vast majority of regrets in this world go unsaid. On that note, there is nothing at all that I regret, although this is mainly because I know regret is foolish due to its vain nature. for more information on why I do not think anyone needs to be forgiven, see Evil

To be continued...

Prodigal Son

2007-12-10T01:57:00.000-08:00

About a week ago, I had the best phone conversation in my life. My dad had told me that this guy named Pastor Ken could give very influential arguments about the validity of Christianity- so naturally, I wanted to put that to the test. I was confident that my arguments were essentially flawless, and that confidence did not fade in the least until our conversation was drawing to an end. But some time after, I began to realize that he had influenced my thoughts without me being aware of it. This new development disturbed my mind greatly, and so I decided to, after a year or so of agnosticism, reevaluate my status in regards to Christianity- or, more accurately, the Bible.

(Note- everything written below this line is original thought, with little to no influence from Pastor Ken)

The truth is that I did not renounce Christianity because I wanted to, but because I needed to. Specifically, it conflicted with my highest normal value, which is- of course- honesty. Modern interpretations of the Bible clearly contradict, and are inconsistent in more ways than one- as well as having views of morality that could easily be considered evil, if one were to look at it face-value, and without religious bias. Arguments that I have had for this can be found in Theistic Imperfection, true tribulations, and Ranting About Christianity. If measured based on a traditional interpretation (which would be essentially reading the Bible literally), God's word is destine to appear to not only contradict but undermine itself- which would clearly invalidate whatever worth it would have otherwise- at least concerning whether or not it is the word of God. For these reasons, I renounced Christianity; after all, I cannot bear to lie to myself. But (apparently) after thinking things over, I become aware of many important things:

The Bible presents itself on the premise that God in his Greatness cannot in any way be imagined by finite beings such as ourself. This is only natural, as God is inherently infinite. That being the case, no part of him can be presented to us literally while maintaining accuracy- actually, it would be quite the opposite. My reasoning for this, is because every word he speaks have infinite underlying knowledge, wisdom, and insights backing it- in accordance with he nature. This being the case, there is probably a never-ending stream of wisdom and understanding floating around in dormant state, just waiting to be discovered. Keeping this in mind, anyone who would stereotype God's word into a few select meanings that "sound right" could be considered conceited in that way- considering that, even as God's children, we are still "only human"- we have limitations and make mistakes.

Therefore, with respect to our God's infinite nature, the Bible should be interpreted using methods that "reach to the heavens" in their potential. In other words, the utilization of metaphors (which ironically- I just used in the line above) Metaphorical interpretations truly are infinite- especially when one considers the capacity of metaphors to compliment each other ceaselessly. Extremes can be easily compromised when metaphor come into play. For example, even though (when read literally) God contradicts himself several times over, this would only be evident face value. Take the same passages and reevaluate them using a metaphorical interpretation- and another possibility would surface than can prove just as obvious; It might be that he appears to contradict himself to endow wisdom and illustrate concepts for us, and likely giving certain values an emphasis by means of hyperbolizing. It isn't too unlikely that God would require such methods, when we consider how we compare to him in terms of potential. In the same way, all of the contradictions, inconsistencies, and conflicts of morality can stay within reasonable bounds metaphorically; this would most definitely not be the case if the Bible was taken literally.

Furthermore, not only does the Bible never say anything even along the lines of (i.e.) "The word of God should only/must be interpreted literally"; but throughout the Bible, metaphors are greatly encouraged. All of the Books Of Wisdom are "chalk-full" of metaphors, and Jesus himself regularly told Parables- which took the form of elaborate metaphors, "to convey spiritual and moral matters." Although I can't remember offhand, several verses of the Bible I read collectively presented the idea that "It is God's desire that each of his children interpret his word in their own way. In this fashion, each will discover a piece of his great wisdom, and his glory will penetrate the hearts of all those who seek to find it, if only just a glimpse." (I made that up from scratch, sounds cool, doesn't it?)

Another thing to consider is that- just as our human limitations would not afford us the ability to accurately understand God's Word face-value...in the same way, we cannot even begin to grasp his motives and master plan. For that reason, we have no right to judge whether or not God is good or evil, or whether or not he makes mistakes. In reality, as the creator of all things, God cannot do "evil", as it would not even be wrong for someone to destroy their creations (that's common sense- and that's about the worst God can do). But even if he could do evil, that should be irrelevant to us. We are his creations, and as such should do his will to the best of out ability. Because he is who he is, for us to even attempt to judge his character would amount to Blasphemy. Regardless of the means, ends, or anything in-between, "that he willed it" is that that is necessary for it to be good. If the Bible is to be interpreted metaphorically (at this point a "given"), The bulk of this post would imply that, other than going in the same general direction, everyone has, or could potentially have a different interpretations. This would make an exchange of extremes in respect to the different interpretations inevitable- and even might extend to a point comparable with the stereotypical extremes of "good" and "evil".

It is possible that God's perfection may require that which could be perceived as "evil", but in the grand scheme of things, this too is fundamentally irrelevant. However, it does hint at the final consideration: One of my core beliefs is that "reality is fundamentally unknowable" (Metaphysical Non-Reductionism. This being the case, anything I believe about reality is potentially a lie, which implies that it actually doesn't matter what I believe. Christianity has (by far) the most historical validity, [alleged?] supernatural phenomena, and literary inspiration out of any other belief system to date. In other words, it should be painfully obvious that even if Christianity was not true, (from my perspective) it would be the next best/closest thing. In addition, these logical modifications that I have defined in this post bring things to a level that I could easily transition back into a Christian lifestyle, since these perspectives are compatible with that which I have decided to believe for this last year. All this considered, I've made the decision to once again be a Christian, keeping in mind these new perspectives. The prodigal son returns (p.s. - for those who didn't realize, "The Prodigal Son" is also a parable by Jesus. With all the underlying meanings, it makes for a great title, doesn't it? :)

Asperger's

2007-12-06T08:48:00.001-08:00

In my senior year of high school (17 years old) I was diagnosed, among other things, with Asperger Syndrome. Since I have been misdiagnosed several times prior to that- I rejected it along with all the other things. I had been taking medication since I was 14 years old for PTSD, Bipolar Disorder, PD, OCD, among other things. Then, after forgetting to take my medication several times (while in the "system" I was always called to take my medication, and so after forcibly emancipating myself at 18 by means of AWOL -nothing to do with the military, although the meaning is pretty much the same) I realized that I felt better than when I had taken it. I then decided to continue not taking it- and, after a relatively brief period of withdrawal, most of the symptoms disappeared. Only some symptoms of Bipolar Disorder, and OCD remained- the others illnesses disappeared entirely. I concluded that I never had them in the first place, and that the symptoms were just the product of high stress levels at the time. Since things were better without the medication- I must have been used as a "lab rat", the medication actually being the cause of the problem.

One more recent diagnosis was Asperger's, but since the rest was mostly wrong, for a while I was not concerned. But my curiousity got the best of me, and I eventually researched all I could on Asperger's, although primarily from the Wikipedia article on Asperger Syndrome. From that information I easily concluded that I indeed had Asperger's. However, after considering that I tend to hyperbolize things (turning minor details turn into exaggerated issues) I backed off the issue and gave it a speculative status. Then, after re-analyzing things, I confirmed that I do indeed have it- with the primary confirming symptoms being:

1. My primary interests have and are in the fields of mathematics, computers, science, music, and writing. All of these clearly fall under "Aspie-friendly" topics, because they do not require social interaction- and tend to go better without it.

2. I don't have any friends, and lack social empathy and awareness.

3. All of my interests are very specific- with my knowledge of the general areas being relatively poor.

4. I perform excellently when it comes to that which I am interested in, while I lack motivation and perform poorly in areas that I'm not.

5. I find it difficult to establish common interests, and tend to engage in long conversations with others, regardless of whether they are interested or not. I also find it difficult to talk about things that I am not as interested in, even though I might have a good knowledge of those areas.

There are of course other symptoms that I have that would contribute to confirming my diagnosis, although note that I do not consider it an illness. Actually, I think it's far more likely to be the next step in evolution. Very few people have Asperger's, and it wouldn't be inaccurate to say that society considers anything outside the norm an illness. Therefore, it's only natural that Asperger's is considered to be an illness.

There actually is a stereotype that is very similar to Asperger's- I might even go so far as to say it's synonymous. You might already know what I'm talking about- yes, I'm talking about Geeks. Well, perhaps not all geeks have Asperger's, but I think it's safe to say that all those with Asperger's are geeks.

Friendship

2007-12-06T07:32:00.000-08:00

The 2nd half contains material I copied from an email I sent

Recently, I discovered something very unexpected about myself- perhaps the answer to the mystery of why I have never been able to hold onto friends. After all, I am well aware of the popularity I've had at times, and that I have many qualities that are considered the foundation of good friendships. I have taken into account that due to misconceptions, I've made a habit of only pursuing friendship with girls until recently (when I became aware that certain things were misconceptions- the primary one being that I felt I could only "connect" well with girls. This eventually escalated the the idea that I was a "tomgirl" which- although having some truth to it, was obviously an exaggerated truth.) I've also lost around 50 or so phone #'s over the years- which would include both girl's #'s I collected, and almost all friends I have had in the past 8 years (all friends prior to that were effectively lost due to inevitable circumstances beyond my control- not that I had many friends at that time anyway)

But there is another factor which I think would make much more sense of things. A while ago, I became aware that I was missing a factor in my current friendship. I dubbed that factor "closeness"- and it refers to the fact that I do not feel -from which I had derived from my observations about friendship, a sort of feeling that should be universal to all friendships. This of course is ambiguous, and so I was not able to make use of this new-found knowledge. But just recently, I made a breakthrough regarding this. For anyone that I have ever been friends with, I would not be the least bothered if I were to lose contact with them, if they were to die, or similar extremes. Anyone reading this is probably thinking something like- "If that's the case, you never gave a sh*&t about anyone, and thus never had any friends". That may be the case, I honestly don't know. I guess it depends on how you would define "give a sh*&"- for example, I have been, and am in love. But the person that I am in love with, I will never been able to contact again due to certain unlucky circumstances. But I do not feel any sense of loss about this. I suppose it's very complicated- I have feelings of love towards someone I have been prevented from seeing for going on 3 years...yet I do not miss them at all. I treasure the feelings in my heart- and that's the end of it.

but honestly, I'm not sure I want to fix it. after all, there are little to no advantages to friendship- when I compare my own style with that of friendship, it's abundantly clear that friendship has much more negatives than positive. history has proven that people always treat out-of-the-norm human behaviors as an illness, and sometimes do not recognize the advantages decades, or centuries later. I believe this to be the case with myself, and so perhaps attempting to achieve closeness might not be a logically wise decision.

but it really depends on the way you look at it. I could be friends with people my whole life, and they would not know they are not mine until I tell them. Our "friendship" has demonstrated that as long as I treated you with "respect" and ignored my own stance on things, it would be the same as if you were also my friend. after all, the line between illusion and reality is very thin in respect to friendship.

One of the abilities that I prize most about myself is my deductive reasoning. 90-95+% of the contents of this blog are entirely original- meaning that I could copyright that much without being charged with plagiarism. From time to time I come across information that is the product of years of research- that confirms what I myself determined independently (without any references). Here is an example that is related to this post:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_bond

and what I wrote nearly 3 months ago on the subject:

http://jbcandid.blogspot.com/2007/09/reality-of-love_12.html

Ironically (although I had not realized this at the time) this apparently does not apply to me. No matter how many memories I share with someone, or how memorable they are, not only will our bond not (mutually) strengthen, but (at least for me) there will not ever be one in the first place.

But even if it is not logical, I will continue to search for the answer as to why that I am unable to have a bond with others. As I implied earlier in the post, I have never had a psychological bond with anyone. This of course also means that This problem has existed from as long as I can remember. Since children are less aware of this kind of thing (that part is not yet developed) It could be that I was "born" with it- which, if that were the case, it would not be fixable. I also implied that this might be the result of an illness. I was referring to Asperger Syndrome- which when considering the lack of empathy and social awareness, could contribute to this factor. Despite critics contending that the majority of patients "need help", there is significant evidence that some of the world's greatest minds, including Emily Dickinson, Andy Warhol, and Albert Einstein had Asperger Syndrome. How I relate to this is documented in Asperger's.

Experiences

2007-12-04T23:09:00.000-08:00

After thinking about it, I realized that visual stimulation does have advantages that make it worth the trade-off. For example, they allow people to experience things that they otherwise would not have been able to, and more can be experienced in a shorter time too- as well as costing a lot less money. This is ironic, because not too long ago I believed that a person would save money by cutting it off. I did not consider this important factor. Perhaps this is why I was able to write more blog material while watching anime (If you haven't noticed the sudden "slump" in material, you're either new or really dull). Also to consider is that the world is currently trying to convert over education to a more electronic and interactive style- so the need to read books may not last long. This is not to say that we do not need to read books- and so I think it's important to maintain a balance between the two.

As I write in my blog, I learn new things. An inevitable consequence of this is the contradiction of ideas, so to preserve those that were revised, I have tried to blend them together, in a similar fashion to how a color spectrum fades between colors in such a way that it is difficult or impossible to determine where one color ends and the other begins.

to be continued...!

Addiction

2007-12-04T22:59:00.000-08:00

note- this post is copied from part of another post at my blog http://venerable-academy.blogspot.com/

Because electronic entertainment is a higher form of brain stimulation, it dramatically decreases motivation to do activities that riside in the lower domains, [of stimulation] which naturally include reading books. Because the vast majority of education, and especially of academics is reading, this has become a widespread problem, hindering children and adults alike from reacher their true potential. Even academics aside, electronic entertainment is far less refreshing than the older, or "venerable" as I will call it, methods. With the rise of the TV and radio, people have forgotten that they received equal, if not greater entertainment prior to this, and raised their children to believe that this new way was the best way of life. The truth of the matter is- not only do bookworms watch TV/movies and listen to music less, but vice-versa also. Electronic entertainment has effects similar to that of narcotics, in that they are addicting, eventually have negative effects that outweigh the good, and have withdrawal symptoms for those trying to quit. It would be a reasonable assumption that the longer the addiction, the more difficult it is to quit- as well as the greater the withdrawal symptoms.

Sometime after entering high school, my grades declined, despite being a "straight-A" student prior to that. Confused as to the reason of the difficulties, I have thought of many possible factors, but it's likely the primary factor was my hightened interest in computers, and electronic entertainment in general. Since the start of high school, my interest in electronic entertainment steadily increased- and as result I was barely able to make it through high school. After high school, I spent over 1 1/2 years doing absolutely nothing but electronic entertainment, and of that mostly visual media (TV shows and movies). Halfway through that time, I decided to start reading again, and was shocked and frustrated when I discovered I was unable to read more than a few sentences without loosing my train of thought, and the interest that I had my whole life in books had completely disappeared. I desperately looked for reasons for this, and finally I uncovered the truth, which brings us to the current state of things. As of now, I am "fasting" from this addiction, and I must say the withdrawal symptoms have been very difficult. I've spent much of time depressed, and having constant cravings. But hopefully, I believe the worst is over, and I can begin doing things "the right way".

Last night, I realized that it would do the world a lot of good to know these things. Not only would this knowledge foster and promote academics and general education, but [as a bonus] would help people save a lot on the electric bill and overall entertainment expenses. I look forward to and welcome all new supporters and members of this cause- let's work together to build a new community.

Psychology

2007-11-30T01:38:00.000-08:00

This has got to be the coldest winter I have experienced to date, and as I went for a midnight stroll (literally) I was burning all over from the cold air. Then I realized than if my theories were correct, I should be able to turn that pain into pleasure just by thinking about it. So I concentrated hard on the belief that my pain is actually pleasure, and it become so. No, this is not a joke, or a lie. I believe that if any person wills it strong enough, any person can take on any personality, and live their life any way. If anyone has had this knowledge during the course their life, then they have no excuse for what their life will become at the end. And apparently this knowledge has been distributed for thousands of years in the most popular book in human history, the Bible. James 4:17 NKJV "Therefore, to him who knows to do good and does not do it, to him it is sin"
When I first read this verse, I interpreted it as "refusing to do good is just as bad as doing evil", but I now realize this goes well beyond that. In its entirety, a more correct translation would be "He who has a good idea of what perfection is, but does not actively work toward it, is committing sin through his blatant omission of action." -well, something like that.

Criminals and those suffering from mental illnesses also have no excuse, because it is clear (at least to me) that with enough perseverance, anyone can change their lives to become "the perfect person". James seems to have known this truth. (to be continued)

Racism

2007-11-27T18:54:00.000-08:00

If I were to sum up my thoughts on racism, my answer would we that it doesn't exist. But I wouldn't expect you to believe that at face value- in fact, I'm sure that whoever is reading this is far more likely to be thinking "What has he been smoking?"- Which of course is why I'm not going to leave it at that. I'm going to explain why I believe racism does not exist. First, so that we're on the same page, look at my Evil post if you haven't already. Note that in both the case of evil and racism, they both do exist in a way, but just not for me. The reason why (within sanity) that is can exist for others (in this case, most) but not for me, is because both racism and evil are excuses. I don't attempt to excuse my actions with such things, so for me they do not exist. The definition of racism is: "Prejudice or discrimination based on an individual's race", with prejudice meaning "a bias" and discrimination meaning "unfair treatment based on a bias". But there are a few things that should be considered: 1. A "victim" does not need to associate with those who have a bias. 2. In the even they choose to associate with such, they do not need to tolerate biased treatment. 3. As long as the "victim" possesses a strong ability to adapt, what is perceived today as racism is inadvertently "doing them a favor" and 4. (This is the most important) Racism only exists because there are victims.

Now we'll go into detail on that last. Newton's third law of motion can be paraphrased as "for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction" I'm not familiar with the actual meaning, but for this post that is irrelevant. What it means "as of now" is that nothing can exist with an opposite of equal force, and everything that does exist has an opposite with an equal amount of force. +1 cannot exist without -1, light cannot exist without darkness, good cannot exist without evil. One of the most logical ways of solving the problem of evil would be "A perfect God is not only good but also evil, since perfection implies no lacking, including not lacking that which is evil." Now to the point- Racism need victims in order to exist. If those that are normally targets of racism believe that racism did not exist, eventually those who are deemed to be racist would also cease to exist, because they do not have a target. Racism in reality is just over-hyped, race-specific bullying. So that considered, all that is needed is to fulfill the needs of those who are racist. The needs of bullies are easy to pick out, because there is almost always (if not always, period) just one need. That need is to correct their insecurity. Whites, which in the U.S. represent the majority- see the minorities and taking away their jobs, education, and sometimes lives. The U.S. does something really stupid- they offer incentives to minorities and require a certain percentage of the minority to enter universities and take jobs. This in very unfair- with the most obvious reason being that chances are many, if not most of the minority are not near as qualified to take those positions as the whites they were given priority over.

From this perspective, it's only natural that racism is increasing rather than decreasing, because the United States is justifying the concerns of the majority (whites). In other words, by taking an active role in acknowledging racism (by "working against it") we have made things worse. Although this post was specifically about proving the non-existence of racism, it can equally be applied to the negative consequences of the abuse of women's rights, animal's rights, rights of the disabled, and so on. So much money has gone down the drain for the sake of protecting rights. It's all because people can't take responsibility for their own lives. Instead, they start movements for rights, and cause everyone around them (and in some cases the whole world) drama, grief, money, time, and well-being. All this is the result of people not minding their own business; people who have depleted their pride to the point that they feel the need to resort to blaming the world for how miserable their lives are. It's true that there are plenty of bullies that to some qualify as "racist", but the victims share (at the very least) and equal responsibility for racism, and as such need to own up to it. For related content, see Bad Luck.

see here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crime_in_the_US
consider these statistics:
Approximately 70% of prisoners in the United States are non-Whites

and here:
http://www.nationmaster.com/red/pie/cri_tot_cri-crime-total-crimes
despite having only 296,410,400 people, 34.1 percent of the crimes in the world happen in the U.S.

non-whites (the minority) make up 26.1 % of the population.

with such obvious extremes, any who would still consider the minorities (especially blacks, who commit the vast majority of the crimes) innocent, etc. is quite frankly "full of sh%t"

see here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Model_minority

asians are a much smaller minority than blacks (only 4.4 %) and yet despite severe discrimination have in less than 100 years earned respect, effectively eliminating racism, with almost non-existent crime and high-end education and careers.

asians prove my point, in that one of the main reasons they were able to eliminate racism, is that instead of having tantrums (like blacks,etc.) they continued as usual, minding their own business and earning their place here the smart way- building a model society.

Racism towards blacks still thrives because blacks ask for it through their actions, end of story.

On a side note (to go on the offense) Racism is committed against whites (the majority) in the United States constantly every day. The ironic part about it though, is that it's racism promoted by anti-racism special interest groups. Every day, thousands of American whites (possibly millions) are denied employment in favor of usually less qualified minorities. This blatant racism is whitewashed with the name "Equal Opportunity", but (in part) takes the form of "Racial Quotas", which is, in effect, nothing but "Reverse Discrimination". Also, for the record: Not only are racial quotas racist against whites, but they are racist against anyone. given preferential treatment, priority, and other advantages, is not just drawing, but digging a line between the different races. Blacks get better treatment not because they deserve it, or because they're qualified, but because of the color of their skin. How more racist can you get than that? I would encourage all of the minorities (besides the Asians, they've already proved themselves) to have some pride in who they are as a person. Don't throw away your pride on being given an unfair advantage- earn it [the right way]. The best things in life aren't given anyway, they're earned.

ps.- tell your buddies in Africa that literally raping several million (and going) women to death is making your reputation worse than it already is. When I see the crime in the U.S. soaring mainly due to blacks, and watch the news live from africa...c'mon, put two and two together...Anyone reading face value could easily think that African Americans are only as tame as they are thanks to the U.S.'s good graces : - )

Personality

2007-11-26T14:27:00.000-08:00

There is not a single life-form in existence who is exempt from the limits of how far they can adapt; everyone will reach their limit eventually. When the limit is reached, the method by which a person copes with it is one of the best, if not the best way to define one's personality. A person's true character can only be found in the most trying of circumstances, in other words. However, we should also keep in mind that most circumstances are easier for some personalities than others. As such- this must be taken into account, because the influence of that factor is distinctly unrelated to their inability to adapt. In all cases, although we usually do not realize it, our minds apparently have a logical need for adaptation to always occur. Those times that we cannot, the mind reacts in such a way that is best suited to "trick" it into thinking it has successfully adapted. It would seem that such measures should be unnecessary, but it's likely that this was the best, or only way to ensure our survival, because in order to survive, we need to adapt. Keeping this in mind, criminals and mentally ill individuals are not actually evil and crazy, but simply have experienced and/or are experiencing circumstances that far exceed their ability to adapt. From this perspective, the only difference between a criminal and "psycho" would be their personality. This is further documented in Potential.

To better understand this, take the analogy of a car crash. Specifically, if a car is at a standstill, and another is racing in the opposite direction at a certain (in this case high) speed, which would be worse?- a head-on collision, or clipping it across the side? The obvious answer would be the latter. Less Friction is involved (click on "Friction" for further documentation), and as such the consequences are more bearable. In the same way, if a person's personality is more compatible with certain circumstances, then in the event that those type of circumstances outweigh one's ability to adapt- that person is able to cope better those times they are forced to go past that point. The less-than-pleasant side of the coin, is that a person who's personality conflicts with those certain circumstances will find those circumstances unbearable after they exceed their genetic ability to adapt. In the latter scenario, the consequences can (and are) very cruel- and, contrary to popular opinion, are the actual root of the problem that spawns those fated to be criminals, psychos, and other negatives that fail today's social standards. So with this post I will attempt to isolate the different responses, determine the respective personalities, and supply generic examples thereof. I will enlist the help of Raymond Cattell for this.

to be continued..

The Meaning Of Life

2007-11-25T04:04:00.000-08:00

Upon writing this post I decided to make science the focus of my education. However, I am a very indecisive person, and it seems likely that my indecisiveness is [in part] caused by a tendency to hyperbolize anything that I gain an interest in. Science as a goal would be simply the next in a long line of the several dozen aspirations I have considered, in just the last year. No, that isn't an exaggeration- it really is that bad. Following this, I wrote this post. While the ideas involve sound good in theory, I now realize that it was mere immature thinking on my part. In retrospect, I clearly see that I rationalized things to compensate for my weakness- "escaping". In reality, even if I were able to accomplish those ambitions, nothing would come of it- I would still be a "jack of all trades, master of none"- that would apply even if I indeed excelled in all areas, because humans only can reach their true potential when they dedicate their lives to a single passion- such is the fabric of life.

The philosopher Rene' Descartes is accredited with the profound statement- "I think, therefore I am". At least at first glance, I believed the primary implication is that proof of existence only requires thought, because it's impossible for something that does not exist to think. But the more that I "think" about it, I'm realizing that the implications are far from limited to proving existence. It further implies that the depth to which of person perceives their existence is dependent and in ratio to the amount that they think. Proof of this is not hard to find- It's fairly universal that "time flies" once work takes an active role. However human beings naturally desire to be productive. As such, an argument that human beings want to die faster would not invalid, because productivity naturally speeds up our perception of time. Because we have little time to evaluate our existence, we are being cheated out of a potentially much longer lifespan by a fast-paced society. In reality, how long we live does not depend wholly on years- a much greater part depends on the choice of perception.

I have had these ambitions to write books that will influence the world, and have children that will lead it into a more promising future, and finally to live a life that will be remembered. But all of this, too, was immature thinking. What does it matter what people think of me, or what the future of mankind is after I'm dead. Now I'm not saying I don't care, but even if my actions could have a positive impact, is it really mine to judge what the future of the world, or of my children should be? In reality, I would probably be able to better influence the world without children anyway, since I would be free to influence not just one or two, but everyone that I come in contact with, and everyone who reads what I write.

Instead, it would seem a much better choice to dedicate my life to thinking as much as possible, if anything to prolonge my perceptual existence. And the kind of thinking I would do would be to work towards the answering of life's greatest question, which is, of course, "what is the meaning of life?"

We have been left clues to solve this puzzle, which have been elaborated on countless times by philosophers through the ages- and, in this post, by me:

As I understand it, these clues each have different levels of importance. While it is doubtful that I currently have an well enough understanding of the clues to accurately discern their importance- the order below is from most to least important, and should suffice as a guideline:

Adaptation- although this is a quality native to all life, adaptation proves itself as possessing (by far) the most potential and beauty in human beings, who, when circumstances call for it, can not only survive, but thrive as well- in virtually and circumstance that can support basic functions. To this day no one can set a limit to the level adaptation exist, and it's possible that within the grounds of basic needs, the ability to adapt could be infinite. However, because people can face the same circumstances, and one always adapts better than the other, I firmly believe that the level of one's ability to adapt is definitely genetic.

Motivation- Anyone who considers any single person to be evil would lose that opinion if they became familiar with the depth of the said person's motivations. For this reason, although I don't expect people to share my opinion of not believing in evil, it would not be fair to say that any single person is inherently evil- they all have their reasons for their actions, and more than likely "evil" manifests itself when people are unable to adapt to their circumstances properly. Although what is perceived as "good" does not necessarily infer this, (morals vary slightly due to change in times, cultures, religions, governments, and other factors.) in general a good person is likely "a natural" at adaptation, so to speak. But in all cases, motivation is always something of a mystery. The complexity of it of course would make it hard to figure out- there's always plenty of people that "you never know what they're thinking".

Identity- see here

The rest of the clues are less important, well- that and I want to finish the post before I run out of steam- so I'll just list them- still in the order of importance: Communication, Dependence, Instinct, Intuition, Immortality, Dreams. Most of these are explained in posts before this anyway, so you'll just have to check. Try this really cool feature- at the top type those words in the search bar, and you're bound to find something on it. I'll probably edit this later and give at least one link that documents the above words- later.

But overall, to me it is abundantly clear that the meaning of life lies in the memories. Although there are many reasons for this, I first became aware of the relation between the memory and this question, after realizing that when people lose their memory permanently, they effectively become an entirely different person- despite the fact the body is still alive, and person prior to memory loss is dead.

Curiously, all of the above clearly falls under psychology, so if my life aspiration is indeed to uncover the meaning of life, majoring in psychology would be best, especially since I do have a strong interest in it, as well as the subject itself plays on my strengths. Despite having never formally studying it, I have a very accurate understanding of it. Perhaps I am once again hyperbolizing things- but hopefully that is not the case.

Fragility

2007-11-13T23:44:00.000-08:00

Human beings are fragile by nature, in that we must always be dependent on something. In my Maturity post, I announced my aspiration to become independent, but that was only to a reasonable extent- it's impossible for humans to ever become completely independent. This is especially noticeable when depression occurs, because the simplest things can relieve it, if only for moments. We can feel better after taking a shower, after eating, or meeting our other needs. Why should we need such things to feel better? After thinking about it- someone might ask me, why not?- Well I guess perhaps I'm having too high of expectations, but this one thing is the only thing I can think of that I do not like about humans. Everything else is beautiful- but the beauty in this quality is stolen away by the sheer pathetic nature of it. Perhaps this is the evidence of God- reminding us that without him we are nothing. Not that I believe in God- this is just for the sake of argument. I have thought that perhaps this might be a good thing- when I consider that having need for so many things promotes structure- allowing for smooth adaptations. But there is too many flaws in that, when I consider the many side affects of the myriad of needs that actually stifle these things. I could also be that many of these things are only needed because we were brought up to need them- in which case only society is to blame. But I'm not willing to put that to the test.

Diversity

2007-11-12T14:44:00.000-08:00

note to self- this post is about the importance of achieving knowledge based on my philosophy that truth is fundamentally unknowable, but that the closest thing to truth would be a balance and compromise between all perspectives in existence- all of coursed weighed and tied into my current concept of life. by doing this I will have the most accurate idea.

update- extend by adding relevance to reality (i.e. nature is infinitely diverse- we should follow its example.)

+ diversity reduces risk- which is why even the lowest levels of evolution still exist- that and also balance, which is another major merit of diversity.

*just to let anyone else know, this is not the actual post...the truth is I have something of an idea- and I don't want to forget it- so I'm reminding myself here.

Security

2007-11-09T20:02:00.000-08:00

As part of my journey to perfecting my social character, I first started by going over "what women want" (the average women anyway)- and it just so happens that I have a fairly good idea- surprisingly. Although I have not even had one girlfriend, I have been compulsively browsing, creating, and responding to craigslist ads and free online dating profiles. Having realized that it was not working, I gave up- and assumed that the hundreds of related ads were no more than a waste of time. But it seems that now I can put that to good use. From those ads, there are qualities emphasized universally, and as such I can consider them as a reliable standard of what women. I know this may sound stereotypical, but as I went over these different qualities I realized that most of them originate from a need for security. It appears that most women need security more than anything- and due to past relationships, are metaphorically "starving" for it. As such- filling this gap would be a great way for me to get a girlfriend- the rest would lie in mutual commitment, passion, and other factors that should develop naturally over time.

For clarity, in addition to naming these qualities I will define and state the reasons why each of them are excellent ways by which to get the attention of a woman I'm interested in, and also get her interested in me.

Humor: This is the one that I see the most- women like guys with humor for many reasons- first, it gets rid of the awkwardness associated especially with dating, and it allows women to be themselves. Humor usually makes women feel like they're a better person around that person (as long as the humor is good-natured of course). It also allows them to forget about all other concerns and enjoy things in the moment, and "feel young again." It also allows both to be more open with each other- which stimulates that which (for women) is one of the most important elements of socialization- intimacy. For these reasons, humor might be considered one of the most crucial qualities when it comes to dating- especially initially.

Adventurous: This quality has a lot of advantages that humor has- such as the youthfulness and ability to eliminate awkwardness, but the real benefits lie in the excitement and romantic atmosphere involved. In addition, it inspires creativity and instills a mutual sense of power- which in addition to giving off a social high adds (to women) the much-needed overall security. The best benefit of an adventurous person is probably a constant influx of passion.

Organization: Women like guys that have organized lives and clean rooms, because it's usually a sure-sign of structure in their life. As such, the can be expected to have structured lives and be fairly predictable- which, for people with a need for security and deficiency thereof- is a very good thing. As a bonus- guys with the quality as usually very reliable.

Independent: Every time they enter a relationship- women know they are taking a risk. Regardless of how trusting they are- everyone, guys and girls, know that there's always a chance their lover is lying to them, perhaps about everything. So knowing that a guy is financially, emotionally, and socially independent enough without herself would be a major comfort to a women- because a guy having reached that level of maturity would have no reason to use them, or consume resources without even the guarantee of paying them back. Women recognize that, and so decisively avoid guys that have not reached a certain level of independence, even going so far as to date guys several years older than them, sometimes solely for this reason.

Confident: Although this is a big deal to girls- confidence is prized in most fields of life- and with good reason. Confidence makes others feel comfortable putting their trust in those with this quality. Not only is it a quality that for psychological purposes is inherently appealing, But it actually does increase the performance of those having it, regardless of actual skill, experience, or intelligence. It's a safe bet that improvisation can only be done by a confident person- and for the same reason a person with confidence is usually much more reliable overall than those without. This also factors in with the need for security of women- I think that in this way confidence is especially essential for males in heterosexual relationships. It is also my opinion that a humans' true potential cannot be released without the aid of complete confidence.

Down-to-earth: google defines down-to-earth as "sensible and practical"; "has a straightforward down-to-earth approach to a problem". Women, especially on craigslist- look for a down-to-earth guy- as with most of the above, for security reasons. They want to know that when there is a problem- their guy will be there to solve it in the most appropriate way possible- they need that reassurance.

Proactive: Although I don't see it being used in this phrasing, from what I can tell women are looking for a guy that can "take care of himself" making the best of things on his own, instead of relying on excuses, regardless of how valid they would be. A guy who is proactive can "sweep women of their feet" because they can't help but admire the power and guts that flow from a guy like that- "carrying the world on his shoulders"

Decisive: Women tend to go for guys that make decisions, and sticks to them. It reflects a sense of responsibility and implies that this kind of a guy has a good idea of where they're going- which makes women want to "go with them to the ends of the earth" ok maybe not quite that dramatic- but you get the picture.

Intelligence: This isn't necessarily a quality, but it definitely is something women want in a guy. It's well known that most people in the world won't get far without intelligence- not to mention that without it life isn't likely to be predictable. Maybe it used to be, but with the advent of high tech it won't be long before intelligence is a prerequisite to life.

Intellectual: I see this a lot- specifically, women want a guy that can actually carry a conversation. Well to me that's too low of expectations, but to each his own. But it would make sense this would be especially important to women, since as a rule of thumb- women rely much heavier on their social-life than men- it's not for show that gossip and women tend to go hand-in-hand. In fact, research shows girls generally start communicating at a much younger age than males do.

As I Go Along

2007-11-08T23:02:00.000-08:00

For some time now I have developed an auditory learning style- but saying it like that doesn't even gloss over the reality of it. For the past couple years, most of what I have learned (which is a great deal) has been by talking about it- Now by talking I mean any form of communication that makes use the the English language, but you know what I mean. So here's the deal- most of what's written in this blog- I was not aware of until after I wrote it. Not kidding! Judging from that- my words shouldn't carry too much authority- especially since most of it has absolutely no references, education, or even personal experience backing it. Most of what I write originates nearly exclusively from my head- as is based in make-shift deductive reasoning, and most of what is deducted is further based on things that were deducted from that...which as you might have noticed equates to a one-man "whisper-down-the-lane" scenario.

Well, be that as it may- My findings have been nothing but useful to me, and I would recommend that you treat it as reliable until proven otherwise. After all, that's how all reliable information starts out in the first place. As an added bonus, I've found that much of what I've written was thought of (albeit independently) by historical figures before me- which really isn't that surprising considering that in the millennia of human history- It's near impossible to think of someone that no one else has- even in the field of technology- where prerequisites are needed to give way to new ideas, The ideas spread like wildfire- prompting the need for patents, to officially say "I thought of it first" (even though in many cases they didn't- take Thomas Edison for example- he didn't actually invent the light bulb, he merely perfected the design thought up by someone else- the reason he got the credit was because he patented it first. People tend to skip over that fact and assume that Edison was the one who thought it up.

You might wonder how I could write what is now becoming 30 pages of relatively mature and decisive material a month- even though I almost never leave my house other than for errands and work. Well, if you're not wondering that- I'll let you know up front that I am. Perhaps I could go beyond that though if I were to get more- and as I find that a high possibility- I'll be working on doing just that. But I find it rather interesting that I am able to communicate things the very instant that I learn them, or think them. It does come in quite handy- being able to say exactly what I intend to before I know that I intend to say it. It leaves room for speculation of a more evolved link between the subconscious and conscious mind, but I have determined that such thinking is irrelevant, and as such vain, as well as the unnecessary adding to false suspicions that I possess a high level of arrogance. In either case- taking into consideration the potential of whatever "gifts" I have been endowed with is a given.

Social Perfection

2007-11-08T18:24:00.000-08:00

It's been going on forever- the idea that it's always best to "be yourself"- well I can't see how that's even necessarily a good thing- saying you're just going to be yourself is pretty much admitting to resigning yourself to fate- because fate made each of us what we are today. Although no matter which direction we take we will never be free of fate- Awareness of fate and what brought us to the point we are at today carries a great amount of power. I don't believe there's a better way to thwart fate than to not be yourself- so, that's exactly what I plan to do.

Now at this point I have some idea of what the socially perfect person would be like- but in reality I will have to do a tremendous amount more research to get an accurate idea of what that person is like. It may be believed that if a person who envisions a type of person and forcibly actualizes that image using their own life as a base, the result will undoubtedly be "fake" and "unnatural", because it would have been attempted through "artificial" means. But that would be a great insult to the power of human adaptation. I myself am making it my life goal (as of now) to make this dream as a reality; when successful, people will see my inviting nature as completely natural- and consequently, I will gain great recognition. Well, as optimistic as that may be, I would have to work hard to achieve such a feat. I will though- failure is unacceptable. After millennia of the documentation of society- The extraction of the perfect person (in social respect- which is the focus of this post of course) is most definitely doable- and once I get the information I need, I will become that person. This will be the greatest goal of my life, understandably.

I am aware that people have failed to succeed in achieved similar feats- taking on radically different personas has resulted in dire consequences, and is considered to be the root of the unraveling of their life. But to me, this is all the more reason to do it. I believe that those people lacked sufficient ability and preparation, as well as having to little of ability to adapt. But I know that I can compensate where they could not, and in the event that I were to fail and my life were to unravel- I will have achieved satisfaction nevertheless- having lived an exciting, unique, and fulfilling life- if only because I knew I gave it my all. Not only that- but endeavors such as this are a novelty, and the evidence left behind following my death may equate to a level of influence that challenges the potential influence left by means of a child.

Theistic Imperfection

2007-11-08T15:38:00.000-08:00

Of all the reasons I have for renouncing Christianity- the primary one is "the problem of evil". apparently it really is a problem- as there is much material by scholars attempting to solve it. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Theodicy

That is- how can an infinitely-powerful, infinitely-knowing, and infinitely-benevolent God be compatible with the ever-present evil in the world? To add onto that, how can something imperfect come from something perfect? After renouncing Christianity, over time, I came to the conclusion that evil does not exist. Although I do not believe in the existence of God (nor do I deny it- but belief is required to be definitive just as denial is) if I were to believe in his existence, it would be more compatible because, assuming that evil is the essence of imperfection (which is how it is defined overall by the Bible), there would be no problem with God creating this world, because it's perfect anyway. But, judging both by common sense and by the repeated affirmation throughout the Bible, Something imperfect cannot come from something perfect, just as it is vice-versa. Even if we have free-will, our God-given good nature would give us no reason to commit evil, and infinite reason to do good.

That being said- I am not saying that a perfect God cannot exist- I am saying that in order for a perfect God to exist, the Bible must be false and cannot be the word of God. Furthermore- since the Bible is disqualified from this argument, it would be safe to acknowledge the possibility that evil does not necessarily equate to imperfection. This actually makes much more sense rationally, when we consider that perfection requires balance, and in order for balance to exist, evil must. This considered, evil would actually prove that- assuming that God does exist- that he is perfect. I myself seeing the trivial technicality of meanings, which leads these rationalizations on a slight detail, prefer to simplify the conceptional aspect by instead asserting that evil does not exist. This is justified by basic deductive reasoning, specifically by applying "If a=b, and b=c, then a=c", which is the basis for why I decided on this stance. This also compliments my current beliefs that neglect the active belief it God...because it leaves room for the possibility that although evil does not exist, imperfection does. This also would rely entirely on individual perspectives.

The above would explain the basis of what I believe to be the most convincing argument against the validity of Christianity- and I challenge any takers to attempt to rationalize the "problem of evil" without contradicting the Bible. The other main reason I have for taking this stance, is simply that even if a perfect God could create and coexist with imperfection- it would be irrational for this God, if as the Bible says is infinitely benevolent- could send his creations to hell- a place he also created- when he could have done (considering he is God) an infinite amount of things to prevent such occurrences. This is further documented in http://jbcandid.blogspot.com/2007/10/ranting-about-christianity.html

Fantasies

2007-11-07T08:46:00.000-08:00

The past few months I have discovered an interest in various sexual fetishes, perhaps in part as a result of insecurities regarding my identity. Whatever the catalyst was, these interests, which collectively included S&M, bisexuality, and pedophilia- evolved into obsessions- as my perception of their prominence hyperbolized in a melodramatic fashion. This has been a habit of mine- turning small details into big issues. Some who know me would be thinking "so he did realize it after all!"- because this habit has served at times to annoy the heck out of people. Now I am full aware though that such an approach does far worse than annoy people- that it obvious now. I took on the identity of a pedophile just because I was able to get off to to little girls better. Turns out that in recent tests, over 20% of college guys admitted to having such fantasies- and the actually percentage is probably much higher, considering the nature of the question. But it doesn't mean I should go out of my way to enforce it. Prior to now- I considered myself to only be attracted to those around my age. True I do prefer short height, and "cute" over "sexy", among other things- but that isn't nearly enough reason to "resign myself to fate" as they say.

Even if it was enough reason- all the more reason to enforce opposing interests- after all- I have no future with these kind of fetishes (for obvious reasons). To try to pursue them would be immature and irresponsible, so I should know better. There are many things that I have accepted about myself as identities- stubbornly insisting that I stick to these- because they are who I am. What a load of hot air! I am who I choose to be- as if I could get a good idea of what that is just by demonstrating a few trademark behaviors for a few months! I need to take some initiative and decide what I want to be, not what I happen to be. What's the point of living if I stay the same? I need to get out there, live life- stop thinking about who I am and just find out what I want to be.

But whatever I want to be, it most definitely isn't in these fetishes. To think that I would even consider trying to be like that just because things happened to turn like that. I'm too young to be thinking like that.

Individuality

2007-11-06T18:11:00.000-08:00

There is a question that I dread asking, but am even more concerned with not asking it. I know that I may never find the answer to the question- and as such this paradoxical fear is essentially counterproductive, as its merits are yet to be seen. The question is simple- although the answer is so complex that it has boggled mankind through the ages- "Who am I?" Now you may already have found an answer to who you really are, but have you really? Now keep in mind I am not referring to our place in society, or personality traits, or ideas or beliefs...nor am I referring to money, reputation. Everyone has a need to feel that they are special- that they have things that no one else has- have contributed in ways no one else could, and that they have a lifestyle so unique that no one else could hope to model it. But when all is said and done- we are all the same, ordinary human beings.

Despite this knowledge, I still search for things within myself that possess that ideal level of originality- simply because my logic, psyche, and ego will not face up to this harsh truth. People all try to find identities to fill this gap- to put off the inevitable- some, if not most- actually succeeding, with the price of lying to themselves to the very end. Perhaps this should be acceptable though- after all, ignorance is bliss- when we consider the harsh truth. People adopt religions, stereotypes, traditions, cultural influences of all sorts. All of it fake, no doubt- but it's not like people think about it- to accept these as fake would be to accept their doom in a sense, so it's only natural to just go along with what others say, even if it's wrong. In this way, leaders took power by giving people things to go on- the more fleeting the dream, the stronger the cause.

It really is ironic though- that people, to feel special as individuals- unite as a group for the sake of a cause. I would think that they would realize that following the crowd is the exact opposite of being more special- but that seems to be the way of things for people. Perhaps they don't follow the crowd to feel special at all- maybe they're just insecure. I've toyed with the possibility that in the past people did things the same way- but in order to survive, some underwent psychological evolution that allowed for these illusions. False hope gave us a reason to move forward. To this day I'm still unsure how to respond to questions about how well I am doing. Fun, satisfaction, confidence, happiness, peace- they're all illusions. In retrospect, when I think of what would be considered "fun" times- all I see is activities that succeeded in temporarily satisfying my desires at the time. When those times were over, I no longer felt those feelings. To think of "the past" as being fun seems so shallow and fake to me, because it's all temporary, lacking substance, and as such illusions in my book.

Right now it's true I am more on the downside, but it's not the first time, nor will it be the last. The reason I have these perspectives are not because of my emotions- rather- I have these emotions because I have a clearer picture of the truth. Normally I can, like everyone else- ignore it- but now that I can see it most clearly I have decided to make note of it- so that I will not regret putting it off further.

I will continue to ask this question "who am I" there may be a chance I can come up with a definite answer- although such a thing is less likely than winning the lottery I suppose. I have often speculated that if I were to trace all my personality traits and behaviors and the chronology of which I came to hold certain beliefs and perspectives as acceptable truth- I would be able to gain a glimpse, or hint, of who I really am. To be optimistic, I may have something of a head-start- because never in my wildest dreams of a few years ago would I have even imagined myself being "who I am" today.

Bad Luck

2007-11-05T13:07:00.003-08:00

Constantly, all over the world- money, time, pain, suffering, drama- so much are wasted on people that blame others for their misfortune. The police, the courts, and government encourage these complaints, not only saying they have a right to complain, but also sacrifice the welfare of others for the purpose of spoiling them. What our government and the "mob" as they will be referred to henceforth don't seem to see (or don't care) is that their selfishness affects others. People give money in taxes, and sometimes in donations- all for the purpose of satisfying the selfishness of a select few- that likely are less deserving. It's good to have order- but when the order spreads corruption it's gone way too far. The world would be a much better place if everyone minded their own business, Because people don't mind their own business, war exists, money goes down the drain, efficiency is deteriorated, and innovation is stifled. In essence, most of what is considered evil has, is, and will come from people not minding their own business. In my opinion, I'd wager that everything evil in this world can be rooted to this very thing in one way or another- But it would be arrogant to make such a statement that nearly transcends time itself. Well, not that I believe in evil *note I'm just using the word as a concept by which to relate to those who do believe in it- which is nearly everyone- so should be the safest word to use.

What we all should do instead is blame ourselves for being unable to adapt- or for being unlucky enough to experience negative circumstances beyond that ability. If we blame others for our misfortune, it'll never end. I myself, although have not ended my own- have neutralized most of it by realizing these things. Whatever we may think of others, and especially of those we do know at all, we should consider that they too are human, and started out an innocent. If you find them to be a bad person- rethink that and realize that they were just unlucky- having experienced circumstances that were beyond their ability to adapt- or were not aware of whatever knowledge could have helped them compensate for an adaptation deficiency. Natural disasters, crimes of all sorts- people caught in the crossfire of religious or political movements- anything that may from the surface to be unfair- Realize that whether or not it was unfair or not- it happened, and there is nothing anyone can do to change that. They were unlucky- sucks for them. Revenge, Pity, "justice" or whatever you want to call it won't make non-existence, or wherever you think they went, any more bearable. In fact, wasting time and directly/indirectly causing miserably for others' If you really think about it they won't condone it.

Although on a different level and a slightly different perspective, the same applies to whatever else "shouldn't have to happen"- from money being stolen, to people insulting each other. Also consider- by seeking retribution, you are essentially justifying the actions of the criminals. Specifically, since in committing those actions they obviously were not minding their own business- when you respond wanting "justice" you are "not minding your own business" back. In many games- there is a house rule that if someone breaks a rule, but you continue regardless, at that point you justified their action- so they are able to say "you played on it"- I know there are probably some people reading this that know exactly what I'm talking about. Making use of that analogy- Wanting a vendetta is in that respect hypocritical, and as such naturally encourages further corruption in the future- especially since such selfishness make itself just as guilty.

Instead, we should strive to be role-models- not giving in to the need for justification- at this point the desire for vengeance should have long be extinct- but as a human race we still are primitive in these areas- apparently. This knowledge has been known for thousands of years apparently though- to quote Jesus "turn the other cheek" that's pretty much the same thing- although I don't think it's healthy to take it that far. Just because I do or even another select few- doesn't mean the world will listen right away- obviously. But we all have to start somewhere- somone's gotta do it if this world is to stay in one piece.

Maturity

2007-11-05T13:07:00.001-08:00

Everyone has their own idea of what maturity is- but I believe true maturity can only be achieved through complete independence. Now of course, this includes financial independence, but independence cannot be reached with that alone. Compared to the other elements that are independence, the financial component is vastly insignificant, metaphorically "child's play". True independence requires living one's life completely uninfluenced by other's ideas or actions, by circumstances, or anything else that originates outside one's mind. This extreme, if achieved at all, would be a novelty; Most people would probably think it to be a very depressing-sounding lifestyle that only a fool would try to force upon themselves. That may be so, but there is an even greater possibly that those who have the perspective- that is, most of us, cannot imagine happiness living in such a manner because they themselves are far from mature. It could be that no one has reached this level of maturity, although it's more likely than not someone has. Perhaps even those who reached it did not disclose this information, because they thought it unlikely that another would appreciate, or even believe that knowledge. If this were the case they thought right.

I myself aspire to achieve true maturity...or at least salvage a glimpse of it. To be able to live a life without regard for what other's think- to be able to disregard insults without the slightest feeling of irritation. And most importantly- to move forward through life exactly as I see fit, gaining the ability to nullify any ill affect that others may have on my life. But as of yet, I still have a long way to go. I still have anger when others insult me, or claim to know better than I do in matters concerning my own life. I am continually tormented by people wasting their lives. If am I so easily influenced by those earning the title "scum of the earth" I am indeed a long way from being mature- especially emotionally.

There is another element needed to achieve true independence (and thus maturity) that makes for a much more doable goal, and that is discipline. Once again- I have chosen a more idealistic definition for discipline: I believe that true discipline can only be reached when a person can push themselves to meet goals and necessities with nothing but sheer determination. To clarify what I mean by this- I will put forth the analogy of a person dying of hunger. That person has all the reason in the world to work- because their survival depends on it. To me, a person who only adapts when absolutely necessary has no discipline. You might notice, as I do, that this of course implies that overall the world has no discipline- which is undoubtedly true. True discipline can only be reached by an individual when they can take the initiative to, rather than fullfiling their needs, take measures to ensure that they never need anything in the first place. In other words, preventing needs from ever becoming realities.

I have confirmed this in my mind with a few examples- Having an organized room so it does not need to be cleaned; Paying bills in full to prevent racking up debt...and so on. Pure discipline can be summed in one word- prevention. But to be able to prevent requires initiative- which I, as well as many (if not most) are in need of (ironically!) Although this may seem like an extreme method- I hope to achieve discipline by pushing myself through my college education without the help of a formal institution. If I were to go to college formally, I would be able to easily gain the education I need, but would fail in meeting my need of discipline- because very little can be gained by that method- where you are told by others what to do- and constantly monitored by means of homework, tests, projects, and grades. I do intend to go to college in 6 months- with the assistance of a grant. If I were to go now, I would have to pay a loan until I use a grant next semester- so this being the case, I find it would be a good opportunity to advance myself for 6 months of my own accord until them. Hopefully, in that time I will have learned at least some of the discipline which is required to not only survive (as most of the world does) but thrive, as I plainly have the potential to.

Overprotective

2007-11-05T13:05:00.000-08:00

When I was in 7th grade, I participated in a church drama, as the lead role. In retrospect- I see this as the reason for my popularity there, Los Gatos Christian Church; however, until fairly recently I was not even aware that I was popular there. My whole life, or at least until 9 months ago, I lived life in the moment, never looking back- and as a consequence there are many things that I was not aware of...Moving on- at the conclusion of the play, my aunt (who I was living with at the time) remarked that a girl named Elyse Mardock really enjoyed my performance. They say some can fall in love at first sight- but I believe just hearing those words marked the beginnings of my love for her. Conveniently, my aunt was good friends with the Mardock family- and they worked together in several ministries- especially the children's choir (then called "Kid's Vocal Band", presumably as a homage to the Gaither group). I helped Elyse out with the kids, and while our parents (I called my aunt "mom" the entire time I was living with her) organized events and worked with the other teams and choir, Elyse and I spent a lot of time together. We spent a lot of time exploring the church, talking about unimportant things, and she disclosed to me a few of her secrets.

This went on well for a few years, and it was not until a few weeks ago that I uncovered where the trouble actually began. Before that I was sure that it was sudden, in part because I still lived my life "in the moment"- and as such did not realize the signs around me or make the connections. I did not possess the maturity and wisdom to do so. But after carefully thinking...the trouble started when my aunt returned me to the children's shelter. But perhaps some of it began before that; Knowing her, my aunt probably informed Elyse's parents that I was now on medication for mental illness, which naturally created a surge in the risk factor. But my aunt actually deciding to drop me off was probably the catalyst that triggered the ever-increasing paranoia. Well, I thought of it as paranoia at the time (hence the post title), but now I understand that they had good reason.

From the very start, the family was aware that I had lived in a dysfunctional family, and thus subject to the influence to the so-called "post-traumatic stress" (PTSD). To begin with, the Mardocks were very dedicated to ensuring that their children live a future that they intended. Some parents take a non-interventionist style- But it should be obvious that for parents to expect kids to turn out well, they might have to be a Helicopter parent. With my background, I had a high risk-factor to begin with. I was an unnecessary risk- they didn't need me to be friends with their daughter. I have to admit if I was in their shoes, I wouldn't have been so generous- after all, for a parent, children are one of the only means they can leave a mark on the future that can be wholly attributed to themselves (Not that it's a good idea to go that far- being the sole influence of your child is likely to result in antisocial personality traits/behaviorisms). It's likely that the reason I was able to maintain the relationship with my Elyse was because my aunt endorsed it. After my aunt returned me to the shelter, my credibility was lost- and that loss multiplied by my "mental instability" at the time.

For these reasons, they became cautious and limited contact. Although I was not consciously aware of this, my insecurity led to a sort of desperate need to be with her whenever possible. This led to more trouble, and higher levels of what seemed at that point to be paranoia. I dropped out of church for a while, partially because of a lack of transportation...But one day, misinterpreting a group home staff's advice, I confessed my love for her via phone. This action led to a church conference, followed with a warning that if I were to be seen attending the church following the age of majority (18) a restraining order would be put in place. As a result, I left my church, and the multiple friends I had made (I was still very popular, perhaps even more so). But after thinking about it now, and putting all the pieces together- I realize that their actions were justified. In addition, I am grateful for the time they permitted me to spend with Elyse- who was, and still is, my first and only true love.

Career Of Variety

2007-11-04T15:42:00.000-08:00

I have always been a person of variety, when it comes to everything. As you may deduct, this also means that I get bored very easy. It is also for this reason that I talk so much, although that does not relate to the topic of this post. In a previous post- I made the decision to make physical science the area that I would look into for career-related education, but just today I have made even a bigger decision, and that is to have a career of variety. More specifically, I have strong gifts in areas that are relatively diverse, and since for that reason I cannot fit them into a single job, I will spend my life cycling between education and work to achieve them in separate jobs. I do not want to know that I have wasted any of my skills or strong personality traits, and because they are so diverse, I am determined to take this approach...- the following are my best strengths (generically speaking) note: although some of these are new, this can be considered a generic and updated version of the top half of this post http://jbcandid.blogspot.com/2007/08/strengths-and-weaknesses.html

1. Scanning: as mentioned in a previous post, I am excellent at scanning just about anything. In addition, I have found that I am especially fast when scanning my own material. *note scanning as in with my eyes, not a machine.

2. Computers: although I am not sure of the ratio of genetics vs. experience for this skill, By this point it must have become a strong personality trait, so I must recognize it as a future career.

3. Attention to detail: although this depends on the circumstances, I am generally very good when it comes to picking out the details of things, and usually have a good idea of what would make it better. This is especially true with words- so I am generally very skilled in correcting papers.

4. Breaking things down: (dissecting if you will) in real time (instantly). I make use of the psychological aspect of this skill on a daily basis, which helps balance my emotions and gives me a better awareness of others' actions.

5. Music: I don't know how much this has to do with my musical background, but I've always had a really good feel for the music- and feel a "natural" enthusiasm especially for songs I know. I've envisioned myself as a conductor for some time now, although I never thought about it seriously.

6. Writing: Well this one should be obvious (not to brag) but I want writing to be one of my careers- simply because I'm really good at it. Because of it's nature though (independent) , I can probably treat it as a hobby though.

7. Public Speaking: I'm skilled in public speaking partly because I have excellent communication skills, and other than that- I have a very captivating and memorable personality. I would prefer writing for the communication part though, simply because I can think things out, and give a much better reflection of my thoughts when writing.

Dreams

2007-11-02T10:30:00.000-07:00

update- the thoughts below, although make wonderful food for thought- have (in my mind) been slightly overshadowed by some information I have recently become aware of that suggests that dreams are far more likely to be primarily caused by stress. In some of the examples below, you may find that stress would make even more sense in those circumstances. Furthermore I myself have admitted to living a worry-free lifestyle (although in contrast to the life as should living in relation to my "illnesses" and medical history)- and consequently, I have had almost no dreams overall. This further evidences stress as the predominant factor.

This post is complimentary to the post "My Beliefs About Reincarnation/Evolution", and specifically about the soul. Part is copied from an email.

Most, if not nearly all people take reality for granted- assuming things are as they seem. I believe that souls work together to invent our realities- in order to manipulate our lives. In this way, they improve upon themselves using life as the basis. It could be they do this because they are not able to do so independently- or it could be that they'll taking the easy way out- evolving themselves without having to face the suffering of life head-on.

Update- After thinking about it- it's more likely that both souls and everything else resulted from the "Big Bang", but souls did not actually create the matter. Although it's possible that souls can manipulate and create matter at will, that would give way to far much speculation as to why they did not exert more influence, or why they need us when they could just create their own bodies. For this reason, I believe that souls are what we call "life", and that life is only born once souls decide to possess that matter. Both matter and souls were byproducts were probably products of "The Big Bang", and souls seeking to evolve used matter as a basis, seeing that a physical body made the process far more feasible. However, assuming that this is the case, that would further complicate the question of where to draw the line between the subconscious and soul, as well as the relationship between the two. I may have a better understanding one I have a better understanding of the subconscious and dream-state, for this reason.

In order to experience these benefits, souls must sync regularly with their hosts. Although this is primarily for their benefit- information is passed on that is required for us to continue functioning properly. This is why we need sleep- people familiar with hypnosis, meditation, and similar processes can go a long time without sleep because they are able to complete the sync on their own terms; consequently they also have a better awareness of their relationship to the soul- sometimes referred to as enlightenment.

Dreams are the method used for this transfer, and accordingly it is also the point at which the subconscious mind is closest to the soul. A person has a dream every time they enter a sleep-state to ensure the sync, but they usually only remember the dream if the sync is relatively large. The clarity and vividness of the dream, as well as your own self-awareness during it is directly proportional to the amount of information between you and the soul being synced.

Although people attempt to explain it away with other reasons, I believe that the reason why the amount of dreams women have while pregnant dramatically increases during pregnancy is one that substantiates my theory: It's because a large amount of information is being passed to them during that time, to ensure a healthy baby. From that perspective, it would also mean that a miscarriage occurs either when not enough information was passed, or the information that was did not sync properly. Reasons for miscarriage according to sources usually involve age, illness, foreign drugs (i.e. alcohol, etc.) and defective body parts. This would suggest that the majority of miscarriages occur due to a failed sync. However, if a person does not have dreams during pregnancy, it would mean that relatively little information is being passed, which could indicate a miscarriage.

Further information about the soul can be found in the fantasy novel I'm writing, "Essence Of The Soul"

update- this novel is discontinued due to personal dissatisfaction.

The Power of Parenting

2007-11-01T03:19:00.000-07:00

People can make all the excuses they want for why their children could have turned bad, but if they really wanted to, they could have had them turn out exactly how they wanted them to. The problem is that parents aren't aware of the potential power they have over their children's, future, and more than that- are not willing or prepared to take full advantage of that potential. Now it's true that a child's future is determined by who they are influenced by, and generally that is not limited to parents. But they parents have full control over who those people are, or if there are any other people at all. In the cases that there are no other people (I don't recommend this of course) you have full control- but their future is relatively limited. IMO the best example of this in the media is the movie "Unleashed". In this movie, a man and his goons kill the boy's mom, and he decides the become the boy's guardian. The boy then grows to be a man, locked up in a cell and released only to practice killing people. Because this man took full control, the boy knew nothing except how to kill, and for this reason he was very good at it. Unfortunately for the man, the boy (now grown up) had a chance meeting with a piano tuner- and after a car accident (in which it was assumed he was the only survivor) he found his way to the piano tuner, as eventually became a completely different person than he would have otherwise.

As such that movie perfectly illustrated the level of potential power we have over children. But obviously we would not want to limit our children's future by cutting off outside contact, nor would we want to leave them to the wild. As is emphasized in past posts, The key here too is balance, and of course dedication and a high awareness of how the children are maturing, learning, growing up, and who besides yourself influences them. Ideally, a parent would be throughly informed before allowing contact with anyone, exert a high amount of influence over their education (i.e. homeschooling) keep an in-depth record of their daily activities (by which to analyze to ensure optimum results),etc. Homeschooling would of course require an alternative outlet for meeting social needs, which might prove difficult, since it goes against the current structure.

But even assuming that the parent had 10 years of active preparation (as I will) and have a large amount of funds by which to ensure plenty of time to take an active role in molding their future (for me that is the plan, but we'll see) no one's perfect- but still, we should do the best that we can.

Since it is fairly related, I will add part of an email I wrote recently:

you should consider that just because a child gets spankings doesn't mean that they proceed through life as the parent intended. In fact, given the intelligence endowed upon human beings, the spankings are highly likely to backfire due to the conflicting logic resulting from a child's self awareness. For this reason, parents should recognize that their children's minds are moderately complex, and take a more direct approach.

the reason why that parents spank their children is, in simplest terms, because they are lazy and uncommitted. most do not realize this, but that's how it is.

to clarify- if a parents spanks their child, the child will stop what they're doing, and after being spanked a few times, they will soon adapt, thus accomplishing the purpose.

while at first glance this may seem the best way (more efficient) there are many drawbacks:

1. The child may adapt in a way that goes against the parent's original intentions.

2. The child is much more likely to become rebellious by the time puberty takes affect (due to a sudden sense of freedom- the first things the child wants to do is that which is prohibited- the extreme form of punishment the parent gave them makes that which the parents prohibit tempting and interesting, in direct proportion to the level of corporal punishment previously administered.

3. The stress and pain caused by corporal punishment tends to have a negative affect on the child's future, overall.

Volunteer

2007-10-31T00:51:00.001-07:00

For a while now, I have told myself time to time to go help someone in need, or do something more productive. But every time, this "evil" voice says "you don't know for sure that it will help anyway, and even if it does it's no gain to you. Might as well do something that at least you gain something from right now" (or something like that; note- "evil" is a joke). But all of the above is actually false. In fact, by not volunteering I am contradicting my core values by living in the moment, allowing myself to be content with being unproductive in my free time. What am I gaining from TV, movies, or even anime? I make excuses like learning the Japanese language and culture, developing my understanding of storyline development, as well as lessons about life...(this is referring to anime, which is my primary method of wasting time) but when it comes down to it- essentially nothing outside the moment. This should be unacceptable- and yet I have allowed myself to become such a waste of a life all this time. I should be spending all my time doing something that actually affects the future- rather than emulating being frozen in time and foolishly expecting reality to play along...

And volunteer work has many benefits: For one thing, it's probably the easiest way there is to make friends, of which I am sadly in dire need. With these friends (and acquaintances) come contacts- which is a smart thing to have career-wise, and of which I also lack. Heck, I'll probably end up getting my girlfriend while volunteering. People naturally tend to be a lot more open towards those offering them assistance, albeit partly out of obligation. Some of the best parts of volunteering though, is that you're free to choose what to do, and there's never a shortage of opportunities. Enough high-grade volunteer work can look really impressive on a resume as well. In addition, there are many vital skills that are best learned volunteering. For example, I want to be a parent- but in order to be adequately prepared for whatever problems or difficulties that will arise, as well as gaining a good idea of what my child's educational, social, and personal needs- The best approach would be to volunteer for daycares, elementary schools, etc. Since I know my career does not lie in these areas, but am in need of these skills, volunteer is undoubtedly the best way to go about it.

Of course there is also great psychological benefits to volunteering as well. Generally people don't volunteer, because, like me, they were discouraged by the voiced demanding instant gratification. I realize now that this voice (the voice doesn't actually exists, I am merely using it as a representation of the "ego") was preventing me from progressing in life. To achieve success, I need to understand that the best things in life aren't free or immediate- because a great reward always comes with a cost. In this case though, much of the cost is simply the willingness to take the initiative and wisdom to take the future into account rather than merely living in the moment. We all have the highly productive quality of gaining pleasure from the opportunity to actively help others- and all we need is to grab those opportunities by the horns.

Friction

2007-10-31T00:50:00.001-07:00

For the past 1 1/2 years, I have lived with my dad- and consequently with several roommates, as he has rented the house out for sometime to bring in extra income. At first everything was cool, got along with everyone great- but eventually relations turned sour. For the longest time I blamed this and blamed that- assuming that the reason involved specific people. But as it turned out- those were just excuses to fill the gap, and I too had become guilty of scapegoating. But it was not until today that I realized this. It's quite surprising that I had failed to realize it, considering it was the same experience at all 4 group homes I had lived in for that past 3 years, as well as high school. The problem is one that, as I would have been surprised to know, no one is exempt from- and that is: Everyone eventually gets tired of each other. Now I'm not saying this necessarily always applies- but I believe it enough that I would bet a good $1000 that even two lovers would grow to loathe each other's presence if locked in a cramped closet for a year. Well, that's an extreme example, but should serve to prove my point. Everyone needs space, although until last night I failed to recognize that. I even listed myself on a test as able to tolerate infinite affection. Maybe I actually can, but I shouldn't make such judgments unless I am sure of it.

This inevitable friction found in relationships of all kinds- should be taken into consideration. It's understandable that it should be so widespread- since friction as a principle exists in the physical world. On that note- I will make use of the associated analogy- enough friction will eventually cause deterioration, decomposition, and destruction- as well as ignite wildfires. the most extreme example I could find of the affects of friction is the real world is a Nuclear Chain Reaction, although I believe in "The Big Bang" so that would be the most extreme period- although apparently unlike most extreme examples of friction the effects were positive.

Before I get on a tangent though- I would like to note that these analogies are an excellent metaphorical mirror of the affects of psychological friction. As such, one of the keys to keeping relationships healthy is to closely monitor the friction in your relationships. By doing so you will prevent any friction-related problems from occurring. As with adaptation the key is maintaining a balance. I suppose on that note balance is vital to all aspects of any type of relationship, so we should dedicate ourselves to monitoring and maintaining this balance between ourselves and those we hold dear. But especially in relation to friction, I should make sure to limit the time I spend with anyone I know- to prevent wearing out my welcome. To be frank, few people renting at my dad's house "have a life", and so the constant chaos is understandable, since most of them spend 100% of their free time at all (that's an exact percentage), and over half don't work at all- which of course means they never leave the house in the first place. But I should do my part and get something more of "a life' starting with college and some volunteer work (see "Volunteer" post)

Evil

2007-10-31T00:48:00.000-07:00

This is copied from an email, and as such I have yet to determine whether to add more or leave it as is. But for now this should work.

In the past I said that I believed in evil, but that human beings are not evil, but that actions are. At this point I have gathered enough reason to extend that to say evil does not exist period. my reasons are as follows:

1. the morality of a human being is developed over time- and as such they have no control initially, and very little control overall as to whether or not they become what it stereotypically "evil"- and even the little control they do have ultimately stems from factors beyond their control- so no one has any actual control over their fate- because their choices stem from things that they learned, that were genetic, or that originated from outside influence of various forms. thus- a person cannot be evil, because that would require a choice. Ultimately, that choice does not exist, and that is what I derive this reasoning from.

2. anything, regardless of how extreme it is, could not be considered evil, at least not by us. if you believe in a God presumably he knows, but that's irrelevant for practical purposes, since prophesies are never crystal-clear, and don't happen hardly at all in the first place. Even if thousands of people are killed, who's to say that this event inadvertently prevented more tragic events from happening in the future. when you consider how small changes in the timeline usually grow exponentially in importance over time, such a thing isn't too unlikely. But regardless, we must consider that we're all going to die anyway, and most people prefer to be remembered. In most cases, the more gruesome a murder is, the more likely it is to remembered, not to mention the poetry and beauty that can be seen within moments just from the surface. For this reason, I want to die by murder. Dying in my sleep at a ripe old age is absolutely unacceptable. well, it doesn't have to be a murder, but that is preferred.

3. For the rest of the evil, the outcome is not determined by the circumstances, but the involved individual's ability to adapt. If they are able to adapt- what would seem evil might actually be for the best, because the life experience and knowledge achieved would be far worth it. One of the best examples of this are diamonds. In case you didn't know, diamonds are the products of death. specifically, animal, plant, and (possibly) human life die over thousands of years. eventually their carcasses decompose and meld together forming fossil fuels- specifically coal. Then it sits in the lonely dark caves for thousands more years, and turn into diamonds. this is nature's way of telling us that anything can turn out for the good if we let it. Some- possibly most people are not good at adapting. I believe the ability to adapt to be primarily genetic- although from looking at my family there's probably more to it- although it's probable that my dad's side is really good at adapting, whereas my mom's side is really bad. actually when I think about it this makes perfect sense (if you knew my family you would know what I mean by that) But in either case we have two choices: either force people to adapt at an equal rate, and the survivors will become evident by means of natural selection (not going to happen- the world won't accept that obviously) or closely observe everyone that we influence, and find their natural limit rate of adaptation. from there we can achieve a balance between growth and stability on an individual basis. This would be the ideal approach to eliminating what most people call "evil"

Smart Shopping

2007-10-29T18:35:00.000-07:00

Over the years, businesses have evolved tremendously, and- as a result, people find it hard to determine which products are best. As a result of mass production and information technology, most products are made in roughly the same way, so we can no longer use the reputation of a company as a guideline, for many of the products we buy. Sure we can sometimes, but- let's face it- with the advent of technology, business reputations are slowly becoming a thing of the past. With this in mind, corporations have found other methods of promoting themselves. One of these is advertising, and with the amount of money put into it- I'm guessing that most people will buy things just because it's advertised. Although this is an understandable approach for the uninformed, it still bugs me that people would live their lives willingly influenced by people they probably will never know. Some buy things from the recommendations of friends, but while this is a step in the right direction, to become a smart shopper, you must be informed of products first-hand before purchasing.

Which brings us to the second alternative by which corporations promote themselves- which is, ironically (see previous posts) by giving themselves and identity. All the big names became big in great part because they offered services that pinpoint the needs of the customers in a way unique enough that non can match it. They specialize in meeting this need, until they attract a customer-base by which to thrive off of. A good example of this are movies. The popular ones usually fit neatly in a specific target audience. In my experience, the popularity is directly proportional to how much it specializes with the target audience.

In the past for a time I was obsessed with cell phones, specifically about the plans of different brands. I made a hobby of comparing the brands and looking for the best deals. from that experience, I learned that all the major brands have their good points- and as such, the quality is entirely dependent on whether you are a good match for the service, Not just in cell phone plans, but most major brand products go by this model, and most people buy products or services- completely unaware that their level of satisfaction is dependent on how good a match they are. Even if your friends recommend it, that doesn't mean that it's the best match for you- everyone has potentially different needs. Actually this principle is universal, but I'm just taking into consideration that the smaller brands are more risky, because- frankly the buyers are lab-rats.

Well I can't tell you about all the different brand's target stereotypes, but I think that cell phone carriers should serve as a good basis to go off of: AT&T has the best coverage, Sprint has the best voice quality, T-Mobile has the best customer service, Verizon has the best high-tech wireless gadget packages, Metro-PCS has the best worry-free bargain plans, and Helio is the best carrier for relatively rich social butterflies. And if you count Nextel, it's the best reliable walkie-talkie service (good for businesses)

Most products of major brands out there follow a similar model, gathering a target customer-base like so. Perhaps this is the best way to do business, since it's more efficient to choose an identity and zero-in accordingly (more simple) but it seems that for most people it's not simple enough- since the amount of money put into advertising is so outrageous. Well on the bright side, it keeps Google (my favorite company) going.

true tribulations

2007-10-29T00:30:00.000-07:00

When I was a Christian, I found it so hard to understand what was so hard about living your life by the book. After all, the Bible usually says to life a certain way because it's the best way- so on that basis following it would be in our best interests whether we are a Christian or not. Since then, I have come to disagree with many of the Bible's core values, but it nevertheless still makes up a vital part of the basis for my morals, simply because it's right about a lot of things. And to top it all off, I had complete peace regarding what happened after death. I was nieve, but I have to say, ignorance is bliss. True tribulations (and this is coming from a person with 16 years experience being a Christian) do not come from holding on to a religion, but from not being able to believe in one. I cannot believe in any religion, Because my brute honesty about myself prohibits it. Maybe not to you, but to me it is clear that no religion on the face of this planet is entirely correct- It's very likely that none are even remotely close. I myself am agnostic, but that's not actually a religion- but rather a philosophy. It's about as close as I can get to having a religion though.

So, as a result, I have no idea what happens after I die. Based on this, it probably doesn't make any difference when I die- but I, as a human being with ambitions and the urge to make the best of life despite this uncertainty, am determined to live a long and fulfilled life nevertheless. Christians are so lucky- they can honestly and wholeheartedly accept what the Bible says happens after death, with no doubt or concern; and as a result, peace. For the most part I can indulge in this ecstasy (although for different reasons), but on occasion I cannot help but ask the question- at which point such concerns are inevitable.

Since for the past 16 years I had been a Christian, most of my friends are such; as a result, after happening upon the fated realization (brownie points to anyone who got the joke), most of those friends I've lost contact with (although there are many other reasons for this). I still have Christian friends, but we cannot share as close of a relationship as we did, probably because it's hard for them to hang around me and maintain a carefree stance- since in their mind I'm going to hell. I don't know what affect this has on this, but an inside joke that I've made something of a habit is openly admitting that I'm going to hell (of course referring to their perspective, not mine.)

Come to think of it- my type of girl is probably likely to be a Christian. Perhaps this is because, since I was a Christian all that time- my personality adapted to accommodate these standards, to ensure better socialization. If this is the case, I may have "cursed" myself (metaphorically) when I renounced Christianity. Well, then again, there's probably plenty of girls of that type that aren't Christians- perhaps I should go for girls interested in the fine arts?

In retrospect, I don't regret my decision at all though. although there have been many social setbacks, I have gained much in self-awareness, as well a better understanding of people from all walks of life, which as a Christian (I know) would not have been possible. Plus, I can always make new friends, and it's best this way, since as a result I was able to adapt and grow, rather than the less pleasant, and (unfortunately) prevalent alternative tragedy that befalls those of a similar past.

Stereotypes

2007-10-28T01:39:00.001-07:00

A lot of criticism has been going on for a while about stereotypes. People are hyperbolizing it like crazy, only it's all negative. Why don't we cut the crap and admit that stereotypes are useful. The minority is called the minority for a reason- which is because there aren't than many of them (obviously). Things would be a lot better overall, not to mention more efficient if people realized their place, and dealt with it. Racism, Sexism, Prejudice- all of these are the result of people not being aware of their position. Stereotypes apply to everyone- we all have our strengths and weaknesses. That being said, we all are the minority on something. Stereotypes were invented to make life simple- and yet people can't mind their own business, and break the chain- re-complicating things just because they find it impossible not to take things personally. Wouldn't life be a lot better if people minded their own business and let things be? I don't even want to have to think about how much money is being wasted on the minorities- not to mention the thousands of people that have been killed throughout history over such trivial things.

And yes, it is trivial, when you consider "the greater good". Life is already complicated as it is, and while complicated can be a good things, We should have reasonable limits- and know when enough is enough. Someday the minorities stand a good chance of becoming the majorities- at which point they can play king of the hill. or maybe they won't but no matter what happens, people shouldn't be so self-centered, but instead recognize their place. Now I'm not talking about any particular stereotype, and to clarify that I intentionally didn't put any specific examples. After all, you all know what I'm talking about anyway- it's not too hard to find stereotypes. And on that note, considering how many stereotypes there are, people should recognize that (a) there's a lot of them because they're a good thing and (b) there's no way you can kill a stereotype- in fact, attempting to will likely only encourage more of them.

Well, only a few stereotypes have been targeted I admit, in the for of gay rights, [insert race (but probably not white)] rights, women's rights, etc. The amount of problems created by this constant struggling for "rights" is depressing. Maybe it never occurred to these people that those rights only exist because their country affords them, and that even if their so-called rights are banned, There is no action governments or individuals can take to imprison your mind (at least not yet)- and I doubt the government will care too much about how you live your life anyway- they understand as I do that such matters are trivial, and consequently no worth their time. Even if all your "rights" were taken away, as long as you aren't in prison, you can do whatever the hell you want. The only places where your "rights" apply are things like jobs and social services- and when it comes down to it, that's up the people owning the companies of these, and in all truth it shouldn't be any of the governments' business anyway. If we just leave things be, everything will work out for the best. Anyone with eyes to witness the perfection of nature would realize that letting things happen naturally is always best.

Cosplay (Costume Play)

2007-10-27T22:02:00.001-07:00

This post is partially copied from an email I sent.
Until just a few seconds ago, I had a relatively negative and stereotypical view of anime fan-specific cosplay. to be blunt, I thought that such a thing gave anime fans a bad name.

but then I realized that once again, I had behaved like the rest of world, and refused to look at it from their perspective before passing judgment. Because, naturally I was raised that way, it's a bad habit that will take more than a change of beliefs to revise. when I have kids, I will make sure they have this straight from the beginning (not passing judgement on a behavior before considering the corresponding perspective and determining its validity)

in this case, when I thought of cosplay, I thought of... well costumes. Since costumes are generally outrageous, I assumed ideas that led to a visual that made anime cosplayers to look very childish. But I did not take into consideration- that most animes involve humans that dress in relatively ordinary close and many times have normal-looking hair and overall body appearance. for example, it would actually be a very fun and creative experience to dress of like Kyon since I look a lot like him already, and his clothes are relatively normal. Many of the cosplays people do involve characters just as normal (well, maybe not- he's unusually normal) as kyon, and I failed to realize that. I have much to learn.

I suppose the area where a lot of the misunderstanding occurred though was my mistakenly tying cosplay to the so-called role-playing. While I fail to understand the method by which it operates, I understand less how anyone can consider it fun. (For those not familiar with it, basically the "host" invents a storyline- and the participant take on the role of characters, either those from animes or made up by themselves. They then make their way through the storyline, in a game-like fashion. Since there are no preset rules or limits to the outrageousness, it's presumable that the winner is determined by the creativity of the individuals, most likely on a silent-vote system. This may also be the way in which anime fans gain respect- a streak of creativity that is agreeably high quality- would give the person to which the screen name is attached- a good reputation, and possibly popularity.)

But on that note- I have realized just now that I have had the same misconceptions about role-playing as I have had about cosplay. Although they may appear childish from the surface, both cosplay and role-playing foster creativity, and could possibly form the basis for the animes and mangas of tomorrow. But even that aside, they are active and socially stimulating activities, and help build skills in the creative domain, in a very unique way.

*Note it may seem that I am contradicting myself- but the truth is halfway through the post, I made a realization and had a sudden change of opinion as result. Once you get to know me well, you will find this is often the case, especially considering that most of what I learn comes through communication.

Potential

2007-10-26T15:56:00.000-07:00

As you may know by now, my favorite topic is adaptation. In accordance, this post serves to elaborate upon that very subject. In my opinion, the potential of any living thing is solely dependent upon one factor, and that is the level of their ability to adapt. Rather than trying to say that is a fact, which I am too young and uninformed to say, I will simply convince you by making references applying this theory of mine.

Throughout history, there have been people have been through extreme and traumatic circumstances (myself included) and yet proved to do well in life, even seeming to benefit all the more because of their past. At the same time, there are other people who have gone through a comparably easy life, but to them it was too much, and a result lived a hopeless life, or killed themselves to prevent that from happening. To this end, I believe that people suffering from mental illness do not have issues simply because of the illness itself- actually, I think that the majority of the problem lies in their inability to adapt. To take a step further, the affects of their illness do no directly result from a chemical imbalance, but rather, the chemical imbalance severally affects their ability to adapt, and as a result, they cannot. The schizophrenia, depression, rage, obsessions, etc. are all failed attempts to deal with the inability to adapt. When I look at my mom, this is especially clear. When we were growing up, everything was just fine- the trouble did not begin until we moved to the new house. Sure, she had some odd behaviors, and had something of an antisocial perspective of life (I'm getting this information from my dad, obviously) but as for mental illness, completely non-existent. Perhaps the transition associated with the move was the trigger for the illness- she wasn't able to adapt to the new living conditions. To top it off, there were other problems. See "hardships" for more information- as you may see many of these problems were simply unfortunate- there was nothing anyone could do.

When she realized that she could not adapt to the world around her- she coped every way she could, all of which completely failed and just "dug her a deeper grave". Other than depression and obsession, she eventually began to exhibit schizophrenic symptoms. These especially correlate with her inability to adapt. At church, she met people at church who appeared to be in need, so she let them live at our house. Some of these wrecked havoc, where others on exhibited odd behaviors, but all of which she could not adapt to. Her logic contradicted itself to this end, because it is common knowledge that adaptation is an essential part of life. As a result, she created a highly pessimistic fantasy world where everyone was against her, conspiracies abounded, Armageddon was just around the corner, and...well you get the idea. By diagnosis she is schizophrenic among other things. But intrinsically I do not believe that to be the source to be that- the root of the problem lies in her adaptation deficiency. I believe that if he ability to adapt outweighed the deficiency caused by the illness, It would have been as if she never had problems in the first place. I believe this because I, who possess her genes and as such have been diagnosed with similar, albeit much less extreme, illnesses- I'm able to cope with the world in which I am living, despite having such a traumatic past and dysfunctional background. I don't even take medication anymore, and I'm sure those who know me agree that I'm actually better off without it.

Stephen Hawking is another good example- he is considered by many to be the greatest scientist living today, and some consider him the greatest of all time. He continues to live up to these expectations, carrying on as usual, despite being 65, almost completely paralyzed, and (as a result) unable to talk. If he can carry on despite these circumstances, as well as any other individual in history with comparably extreme conditions, It should be clear that for them to do so can be attributed to none other than his strong ability to adapt.

It is my belief that criminals and "psychos" of all kinds result from having circumstances that outweigh their ability to adapt- primarily psychologically. But I also believe that we should not try to prevent this by stifling the adaptation process- eventually they have to start living life, and if we take that approach they will be overwhelmed by the shock when the time comes. Instead, we should pay close attention to each individuals actions, perhaps even go out of our way on occasion to give them a series of hands-on tests to determine the point at which their limit to adapt is reached.

To say that criminals and the mentally unstable behave in such manners because they lack sufficient ability to properly adapt to the circumstances pressed upon them- is a much more reasonable explanation than evil and crazy- not to mention far more optimistic. People who attach such intensely negative labels on these people do so because it's easier than going out of their way to see things from their point of view. The question "why did they behave in this manner" (to be generic) is inevitable, but since people don't want to think about such negative things they say "Of course they did because they're even/crazy." But this kind of thinking is close-minded and wrong.

Political Views

2007-10-25T10:02:00.000-07:00

Every time I've ever taken a Politics test (to determine which party I belong with) I always end up somewhere between democrat and liberal democrat. But as you will see, my political views cannot be stereotyped so easily- they are far too diverse for such and endeavor. My ideas regarding this are surprisingly radical, and may even appear to contradict. (although they do not)

First the death penalty- I believe that the death penalty should be enforced, but they should get rid of death row. It's far too inefficient, and from what I've heard about death row- even if they are released due a court decision turnover, chances are they already want to die. To keep so many people there is not only highly inefficient, but torture. When it comes to crimes, if the criminal runs he has a death-wish, and we should grant them it. Our tax dollars are being wasted on large police squads who, due to inefficient practices, only attend to a meager amount of the 20 million+ crimes committed in the US per year. Our inefficiency has led to having the largest crime rate by a landslide (second place is Germany, but they only have 4 million+ crimes per year). The reason why that we have large squadrons taking on individual criminals is to capture them without killing them, but this reason is faulty- because they wouldn't run unless they knew that they wouldn't be shot. The large numbers, not to mention the history behind capturing without killing, motivates them to escape. By using such practices, we are asking for them to run.

This type of thinking might seen inhumane to you- but consider that we're all going to die anyway, most of us in our old age. Dying of natural causes in your old age is one of the most boring, poetically lacking ways to die. I would venture to say I'd rather be killed. By killing criminals we are giving some meaning to their life- which otherwise might have just been a statistic. Well, it's still a statistic, but if we killed them at least it would be a more interesting and memorable one. We shouldn't try to play God- whichever decision we make, people are going to die, and people are going to live terrible lives. So that being the case, the best decision to make would be the most efficient right? If we spend less tax money on criminals, more money can go to saving lives in Africa, or better yet be used to research ways to solve the world's problems permanently. If God didn't want them to die, they wouldn't. God's an all powerful being, so obviously the only explanations are that he wanted them to die, or didn't care either way. I think it's the latter.

To be continued...

Identity

2007-10-25T09:47:00.000-07:00

As I've said in previous posts, for the purpose of change, I have given myself identities, to ensure adequate motivation to carry out the changes in the areas need. These include my identities of honesty/openness, self-awareness, among others. But although self-enforced identities do promote change, gaining satisfaction from them is an entirely different matter, at least for me. The reason for this, is because I can change myself, it proves that defining myself would be a very superficial measurement, since theoretically I can bestow any personality traits I want on myself...But it's clear this is all in the head. Since we ultimately have very little power on who we become, that probably shouldn't matter, but it does. My logic and ego do no agree on this matter, and as such, the conflict of interest reveals a need for some other proof- otherwise my ego will prevent me from experiencing true satisfaction. As such, most, if not all people come to accept identities given by others. There is where we can find true satisfaction, or at the least it is one of the mandatory variables. These identities can range from an affectionate nickname to a Nobel Prize.

This, although most definitely not the only reason, is why it's important to consider how people think about me. Generally, I tend to take an attitude that I don't care what people think about me (although ironically I have been shown time and time again that this just might be self-denial- see Patronized and Self-Awareness posts.) But perhaps I should compromise a little. From my perspective, the "identity" as defined above is nothing but a mere illusion (see the illusion of life post), but as humans (let's face it) we need illusions to survive. That's the kind of fragile beings we are. I kind of makes sense though, because with complexity comes risk- the more complex an object is the more likely it is to break- Windows XP is much more likely to break than dos, and your computer is more likely to break than a rock. This is the way of life.

So in the future I suppose that I'll try to consider what people think about me more (I've got the attitude down, but the habits will take a bit of work.) But as far as online goes- for the sake of being open I will continue unabashed- as this is the unsaid promise I made with myself.

Autobiography

2007-10-24T20:48:00.000-07:00

well obviously this is going to be constantly updated, because I, a mere human, am not capable of writing an entire book documenting my past in one sitting. But here it comes, the contents of my life, starting from the beginning.

Chapter 1- Early Memories

My earliest memory to date was when I was ~a few months old. I remember my mom carrying me into a day care center at church, and there I had my first experience with cardboard bricks. Other than recalling her picking me up later, that's it. Memories are a very sensitive thing, especially when we are young- well, at least for me. A lot of the reason for this, is that I'm not sure whether a lot of memories actually exist, or if I imagined them looking at pictures or hearing about them. One such memory is the one when I was 2 1/2 I remember literally standing on top of the Bible, just like the "B.I.B.L.E." song told me to- and accepted Christ that same day- or at least close to it. Well, I think I at least partially imagined it, but then again- when it comes to autobiographies, it doesn't matter too much as long as it actually happened.

I also have something of a memory being in the womb- but this is probably also imagined. As much as I pride myself on my memory- such a thing is too absurd. When I look in my photo album, I recognize most of the pictures- but it is not clear whether perhaps I only recognized them because I had looked at them before. There are a few early memories I am sure of- such as the first time I tried coffee at church when I was a toddler, and also tried soda for the first time. I don't remember the exact flavor, but I'm fairly sure it was one of the Hansen natural sodas. I had 2 or three sodas, and I believe that after the 1st soda, my chosen flavor had run out and I had to pick one I didn't want as much. There are other memories that I'm not sure if they were before grade school (if possible I want to preserve chronological structure), but our (my siblings and I) first babysitter was the Nickle family. I don't remember too much about them, although my older brother(s) found them to be oddballs, but incredibly intelligent. We spent a lot of time playing with the children in the family, although I don't remember much of that either. Although I heard that my brothers had pets before this, the first pets I remember were Angie and Allen. I considered Angie mine- he was orange with some white. well, considering the name, it might have been a "she", but I never thought of it as such. Allen was grayish-silver, and was my brother's. Later on the cats disappeared- I can't say for sure but I think they ran away. I remember us doing a lot of walking- to Lucky's grocery store, to the discovery museum- we all walked just about everywhere- an if not walking used the light rail or bus. Although we sometimes got cuts at other places, the hair salon I remember was called princess beauty, situated a block or 2 from the crossing of Willow St. and Lick Ave. My dad always worked late- and many times I would sit in the driveway hoping that I would be the first to greet him when he got home. Because he always worked late, most of the time I waited in vain though.

to be continued...

Education

2007-10-24T01:47:00.000-07:00

From the start of grade school (1st grade) I was always under-challenged academically, probably mostly due to homeschooling. 1st grade, I was so advanced that in an attempt to compensate the teacher put me in 2nd grade for reading (my reading level was my biggest strength at the time- and that particular class had so few students that the 2nd and 1st grade was combined as one, with 2 teachers) all through grade school class was both fun and easy- with the only exception being 2nd grade. Actually I did not realize this till now, but the reason for that in retrospect may have been because I was never good at group projects, and the difficulties I had was with a group project. When Jr. High came around, I was positive that I was a smart and gifted student, and took that upon myself as my identity. In accordance I immersed myself in education, and made it my obsession. Because I had only partially "owned" it as my identity, my educational base was weak, but since I continued to get top grades (my 8th grade 1st semester GPA was 4.1) I can confirm that such an approach sufficed. However, after the end of 1st semester 8th grade I transfered to King's Academy (a college-preparatory high school with an excellent reputation) with a partial scholarship, Things began to change. Well, actually 8th grade was fine- I got top grades and made lots of friends- as well as participation in many things. I don't want to reveal too much because I plan to save some of this material for my autobiography.

Well, truth be told the reason why I was struggling a few months into the 1st semester of high school was because I had many changes going on. At the time, I had started taking both growth hormone and several (likely unneeded) medications. These probably caused a sudden lack of sleep, which I was not prepared for, as well as emotional instabilities that resulted in a lack of performance. Although I was far from failing (my worst grades were C's, in Spanish and Geometry), my aunt responded to my stress in a melodramatic fashion, and registered me for an I.E.P. (Individual Educational Plan) There my IQ was measured to be 133, which falls under "genius" but I feel that the test was dependent on how academically active I was at the time. In addition, it is different from most IQ tests, in that there was no time limit. It was decided to enroll me in Foothill ADT high school, and until the first day there I was sure that it was a school for gifted students possessing exceptional intelligence or dedication to academics (or something along those lines. I did not enter until after my aunt had returned me to the shelter, and I was in my first group home, Willow of EMQ (Eastfield Ming Quong) for a few months. But I had yet to be corrupted by the system, and despite the disorienting circumstances, did fairly well my first year. But after that, although it was a gradual process, I became more and more exposed to the higher forms of mental stimuli, starting with TV and music, then visual media. It would be inaccurate to say my exposure to the higher forms of mental stimuli was wholly responsible for my educational degradation, but it definitely was a factor.

One thing that could have solved all of this would be to actually take time to realize how certain factors affect my life, present, past and future. It's true that I am intelligent, but not nearly as intelligent as I thought. Extreme examples aside, intelligence cannot be truly defined. We all are better at certain things than others are, even if we don't know it. Most of my "intelligence" was not innate, but came from a solid educational background and academically healthy habits. Now that I know at least part of where my academic failure came from, I must use that to ensure that I can live to my limit by once again making education my identity, but furthermore, but "owning" it, and in accordance make conscious to ensure that I am worthy of such a thing. Only then will I possess the motivation to achieve my academic dreams.

Self-awareness

2007-10-23T21:31:00.001-07:00

Although for all practical purposes the symptoms have disappeared, I am fairly sure that I still have bipolar disorder (AKA manic-depressive). Over time, I realized the importance of self-awareness, and thus made it my mission to know myself as much as possible. Eventually this turned into something of an obsession, as you may notice is mirrored in my writing. Self-awareness became a character trait much in the same way as honesty- in that I always considered myself self-aware, but I wasn't actually and truly self-aware until I made it my identity. When a person makes something their identity, it is different from just considering yourself to have those qualities.

The difference lies in the amount of dedication to ensuring that the quality significantly reflects in your life. For example, a person can say they are a Christian, give offerings, go to church, read the Bible, and believe that every word of the Bible is the word of God, divine truth. I have known many people like that- in fact, almost every Christian I've met follows that criteria. But to actually and truly be a Christian, you must own that quality, and make it your identity. To truly be a Christian, you must actively evangelize, volunteer in choirs and overseas missions- for you to truly be a Christian, people must know without a doubt that your life's mission is none other than to serve God as best as you possibly can. Any lower level of effort and you are nothing more than a "wannabe"

Because I made self-awareness my identity, I was able to get rid of much negativity in my life. Each time I am angry, I determine the exact reason why I was angry, and rationalize why there is no reason to be angry because of that. Truth be told, there is no reason on this world that rationalizes anger- since anger in and of itself only results in negative consequences. I don't care if the psychologists say "you have every right to be angry"- sure you have a right to be angry, but just because you have a right doesn't mean you should take advantage of it- that's common sense.

There is one thing that an easy rationalization cannot prevent the anger- and that is I get angry whenever anyone say anything related to me personally. Even if they intended it positively, it still runs the risk of making me angry. Just because it relates to me does not mean that I will get angry (I have to perceive it as a criticism) but because there is the risk, I will keep in mind to try to fix that- since it is the only area that I will still get angry about- to date.

This may already be apparent, but the main type of thing that gets me angry when it comes to the above- is patronization. This is detailed in the "Patronized" post.

When it comes to depression- it's a bit easier. Depression, in accordance with its passive nature- can be stopped before it actually takes effect- because the preliminary symptoms are relatively easy to deal with. Unfortunately, most people (at one time myself included) are not aware as to how to take steps to stop it- and sometimes (due to a lack of self-awareness) they are not even aware of their depression until it's too late.

Bipolar runs in cycles- which, with sufficient awareness, makes it easy to predict when manic and depressive states will occur. There are many forms of bipolar, with each one having a different amount of time between each shift of cycle. The shorter cycles are obviously harder to deal with- do to the lack of time to adapt- and furthermore are more extreme in nature for roughly the same reason. Fortunately I have been "blessed" with a more spread-out bipolar- so, since most people, bipolar or no- get depressed or angry- in conjunction with my high self-awareness, I am better off emotionally than them, since I actually know when I will get angry or depressed- most people don't.

Getting back to depression, I should be depressed a lot- and I would know, since although I do not actually get depressed, I experience the first symptoms quite frequently. However, at the very first symptoms, I stop thinking about whatever I am at the time immediately, and literally make a habit of staying away from pessimistic thoughts. To date, the longest depression I have had in about 1.5 years in 1/2 an hour. The reason for that (I remember clearly) was that I realized that I was unable to create a decent resume, since I had no work experience whatsoever. But after about 1/2 an hour, I decided to just go with it, and focus on the strengths I had. The inspiration and motivation was entirely self-induced- I forced myself to make it. The result is here: My Resume

I get the feeling that I should have a lot of issues, but that the problems went aware simply because I made self-awareness my identity. The obsession I gave to it probably "saved my life" (to hyperbolize.)

Adaptation

2007-10-23T20:38:00.000-07:00

Part of this post is copied from an email, because (although I am usually not aware of it) each time I write I expend "brain-power" and so am comparably mentally exhausted for this reason. I figured, since I was going to write about the same thing in the email anyway, why waste energy by recalling the thoughts again?

I've made the decision to cease use of the computer for everything but blogging, email, chat, and the anime that I have not finished. anything outside of that is not allowed. furthermore, the time in which I do the above exceptions will be scheduled and thus limited. In this way, I will ensure two things: (1) that I will gain more discipline and organization. (2) I will lower the level of overall brain stimulation, resulting in a forced adaption that will substantially encourage more academic activities- this change will be needed to be adequately prepared to attend college, and move on with my life as a whole (almost all academic exercises involve reading text, and since reading text is one of the lowest forms of brain stimuli, In order to gain enough motivation to read materials that I undoubtedly would not be interested in at first, I must already have adapted to that level to ensure a smooth transition, and avoid logical conflict.

well, although I did not think about saying it that way I admit as I was writing I was entirely aware that the above paragraph might have been a tad bit too "scientific" sounding...well maybe it might be a good habit, since at least at this point I believe my future career interests to be somewhere in the field of science.

speaking of which, another reason why it's important that I bring myself to a level where I can read a lot.

since my current job only works at nights, I have decided that I will hold on to this job, and go to college part-time during the day starting this january. even though I probably won't be able to arrange a grant this late in the year, I should be able to apply the grant money towards the already active student loan, so it would be the same either way. plus, they say that if you keep a low profile technically you can spend a grant on anything, so I guess I'll get one of those loans you don't have to pay until a year after graduation -that way I'll have plenty of time to sort it out.

a lot of the reason I didn't go to college for a bit was because I didn't want to waste money on something I wouldn't do. although the motivation was wrong (the gen. ed classes are mandatory for most majors, so I could just take them) I'm glad I made that decision, because otherwise I might have not been adequately prepared- over the past couple years I have learned many things, and it was just recently I realized a crucial way to apply the importance of adaptation and it's relation to relativity. Although I was aware of it- I failed to recognize the need to apply it to my own life (see The Importance Of Relativity)

now that I have realized that, and also many other things, I think that I am more than ready, and so will attend sjcc spring semester-on.

that's the end of the related half of the email, so now for other thoughts:

I may have said this before- but I'll say it again. Adaption IMO (In my opinion) is the most beautiful part of life. Because of adaptation, humans are able to withstand circumstances that, to the naked eye, seem impossible. Because of relativity, most people are not able to appreciate the beauty of it. To truly appreciate it, a person must (at the very least) experience one hardship of every level, intensity, and type. For that reason, it is one of my goals to do experience just that.

As strange (and to some, crazy) as it may sound, I want to see death. I have never seen it, which is why I want to. I want to see a person getting robbed, someone being tortured or raped, I want to have a close relationship with someone in financial or legal trouble. I want to get to know someone who's actually struggling with addiction, and despite great efforts cannot overcome it. I have seen many hardships, and most of the most pressing involved myself- but of these I am still ignorant. I do not want to be. I'm not saying that I will go out of my way to find trouble, but for the sake of enlightenment, I sure as hell want trouble to find me. (note hell isn't sure IMO, I'm just utilizing the expression).

About Me

2007-10-21T20:15:00.001-07:00

most of this needs to be changed, so although you might use the below as guidelines, it might be safer to wait until I figure things out...

IM: jb.candid (msn, yahoo, gtalk) jbcandid1 (aol) jbcandid (myspaceIM)

19/m | straight | SINGLE | San Jose, California, United States
candid, nonreligious, and trusting

My self-summary:
Who am I? I am...

a nerd, geek, anime/manga fan, computer guru, linux advocate, poweruser, conversationalist, intellectual, avid debater, have high moral standards despite being nonreligious. I am an extrovert, a critic, and a skeptic (note: trusting and believing are 2 different things). I am impatient, spontaneous (not sexually), and indecisive. (lol I know- impatient, spontaneous, and indecisive- total worst combination ever!)

While there are some people who are unsure if they want to have kids, I know I want to have kids (in 10 years though, lol) so if you're set against it, I guess it wouldn't work even if we were a perfect match.

Basically, I couldn't care less about anything to do with news. In other words, I don't care about: celebrities, religion, politics, global warming, world hunger, earthquakes, tragic explosions, or human rights. I just don't care, because it's not that important. note the exception to this is news regarding technology, i.e. artificial intelligence, flying cars (yes we have those now), Microsoft getting sued for violating antitrust laws, that kind of thing. I only want to here news that have an effect on our future, in other words. People dying is not a good thing, but the world will go on. Like it or not, their lives probably won't make much of a difference, relatively speaking.

I also don't care about animals- especially cats and dogs. More specifically, I think they're ok, but not good enough that I would be willing to take care of. I wouldn't mind having a snake though, or something of that kind. they're low maintenance, and interesting. But it's not like I hate cats or dogs- I just don't particularly like them either.

I'm not sure whether God exists, so I won't side either way. But if he did exist, I'm willing to bet he created us for his entertainment. Heck, I were God, I would definitely create humans. I mean, think about it- is there anything in the universe that's ever near as interesting as human beings. Well, you might argue something like black holes, but that couldn't possibly be interesting as us because otherwise everyone would be in the astronomical research field. and to top it off, that way God can be entertained forever (after all, he's immortal). So in a way, without us, God would be in hell, suffering from boredom (until creates something else) but still, that means God needs us.

What I'm doing with my life:
Right now I'm working, and next month (hopefully) full-time @ HP Pavilion as a food prep. Most of my free time I spend writing in this blog- well, either that or watching anime. There are other things I'm doing, but for the most part that's about it.

I'm really good at:
see http://jbcandid.blogspot.com/2007/10/my-best-skill.html http://jbcandid.blogspot.com/2007/08/strengths-and-weaknesses.html

debate, computers, memorizing multimedia content (video/music/etc.) after only listening/watching it once, summarizing that content (probably due to memorizing it), research, linux, spelling. I also have a really good eye for detail, so I'm good at correcting, and improving upon (especially others'/my writing), and I guess I'm an expert at killing time- so if you're bored out of your wits I can guarantee finding a million things that will interest you. Unfortunately for me, that makes procrastination inevitable- speaking of which, I guess that also makes me good at procrastination.

What things people notice about me first:
I guess what they first notice would have to be physical (that's inevitable, let's face reality)- so I guess they first notice my hair (well honestly I don't know, maybe I'll ask...) well it might be my eyes...and if they have delayed awareness and I'm feeling particularly enthusiastic, I have a captivating smile, so I guess it could be that.

My Favs:

Anime:
In this order: The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya 1 and 2, Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei, Lucky Star, Great Teacher Omnizuka, Chobits, Cardcaptor Sakura, Strawberry Panic, Fullmetal Alchemist, Ceres: Celestial Legend, Bleach, Fushigi Yuugi, Magic Knights Rayearth 1 and 2, Elfen Lied, Clannad, Orphen 1 and 2, Kanon, Aishiteruze Baby, Ouran High School Host Club, High School Girls, Marmalade Boy, Hellsing, Girl's Bravo, Ah My Goddess 1 and 2, Honey and Clover, Video Girl Ai, Love Hina.

The order is preliminary and thus subject to change- and of course depends entirely on what I'm in the mood for at a given time. I have made the decision to gradually cease watching anime and listening to music- with academic interests in mind- FYI.

Books: (By Author)
J.K. Rowling, J.R.R. Tolkien, C.S. Lewis, Frank E. Peretti, John Grisham, Shakespeare, Edgar Allen Poe, Emily Dickinson, Nagaru Tanigawa, Gary Paulsen, Lois Lowry, Nathaniel Hawthorne, Stephen Crane, Ursula K. Le Guin. These are listed by level of active interest in the corresponding authors, and as such, I have likely only read one book of the last few. I might also be biased by the lack of books I've read recently overall.

Manga:
Video Girl Ai, Psychic Academy, Love Hina, Mahou Sensei Negima, Great Teacher Onizuka, Futari Ecchi.

Reference:
http://wikipedia.org, http://slashdot.org, http://nationmaster.com, http://wikihow.com.

Movies:
Action: Gladiator, The Chronicles Of Riddick, Kill Bill 1 and 2, Daredevil, The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Underworld 1 and 2, Aeon Flux, The Matrix Trilogy, Hellsing, The Xmen Trilogy, The Terminator Trilogy, The Punisher, The Mission Impossible Trilogy, Zoro 1 and 2, The Borne Trilogy, The Harry Potter Series.

Drama: The Butterfly Effect 1 and 2, V for Vendetta, Hannah's War, Patch Adams, Premonition, Tuck Everlasting, Finding Neverland, Paycheck, The Sound Of Music.

Romance: A Walk To Remember, The Illusionist, The Notebook, 50 first dates, Fever Pitch, Ghost.

Horror: The Ring 1 and 2, The Grudge 1 and 2, House of a Thousand Corpses, Cry Wolf.

Music:
By Genre:
Anime, Trance, Jpop, Vocal, Classical, Pop, Rock, 70's.
By Artist:
Cascada, Celine Dion, Eminem, Play, Keith Green, Larry Norman.

My favorite genre overall is Anime- for those who aren't informed, a song classified under the genre "Anime" usually refers to the songs used in the opening and ending credits of animes.

My favorite song (and choreography sequence) is "Hare Hare Yukai" even though it is in another language (Japanese) I can sing it perfectly now without the words or music. I can even achieve this at 2x+ speed. The next step is to memorize the choreography.

Food: I'm not that picky, but if I had to choose, I like indian food, and, well...I guess the rest is dependent on quality. But in order for me to like it a lot, I think it has to be restaurant food, although the people who cooked for me before (myself included) may have just been bad at cooking, which impaired my judgment.

The six things I could never do without:
a computer, my opinions, the ability to speak, freedom of expression, the internet, and peace.

*subject to change- will update eventually*

I spend a lot of time thinking about:
most of the time I think about philosophy (the meaning of life, the state of reality, life and death, the purpose of existence.); psychology (motivations for criminal acts, the general reasoning behind the acts of everyone else, the ramifications of the differences in the perspectives thereof, the various products of the concept of relativity, and the countless way in which humans adapt to their environment on a regular basis, and both the negative and positive consequences resulting from these adaptations.), and the future (how I'm going to go about building a successful relationship/marriage, how I'm going to ensure a bright future for my kids (when I have them) In what manner am I going to go about in choosing a career that will influence the world, and to which extent will I prioritize influencing the world over my own well-being. Well actually this is just the tip of the iceberg, but I guess you got the point a long time ago.

On a typical Friday night I am:
note to self- might need update.

Occasionally I work Friday nights, and starting next month I'll probably work every Friday night. But as of now, Friday isn't all that special of a day for me.

Lately, I've been spending most of the time writing in my blog or watching anime, but if I'm not doing that I'm probably...

tweaking my computer, possibly breaking it and savoring the opportunity to fix it, and if not that, I'm probably doing something on the computer like reading manga (they're translated scans in jpg format) listening to my enormous collection of about 2,200 songs (and going), or on okcupid, some other site, or IM'ing someone.

The most private thing I'm willing to admit:
Everything! that's no joke, and if you actually have the time, patience, and attention span to look through my 43+ journal posts, you would know that it's 100% true.

You should message me if:
note to self- might need update

Well I probably want you to message me no matter who you, and random is a good thing, since it makes life interesting.

But if you want to have a relationship, and you are messaging me with that purpose, above all, you should be honest, trusting, and dedicated. Other than that...

you should also be of reasonable intelligence, flexible in conversation, and enjoy learning new things.

I tend to connect better with women a few years older than me, so I guess that would be a good thing (i.e. brownie points.)

you should probably not be a Christian (I like Christians, but it seems they don't particularly like me), preferably Agnostic/Atheist,

Race is not as much of a factor, but (don't take this wrong) I'm not sexually attracted to African-[insert-variation-here] at all. Other than that I'm open.

Bonus points if you are Japanese, brunette, petite, or unique.

Stats:
Ethnicity: White
Height: 5' 9" (1.75m).
Looking For: New friends, Long-term dating, Activity partners, Long-distance penpals
Smokes: No
Drinks: Not at all
Drugs: Never
Religion: Agnosticism and very serious about it
Sign: Taurus
but it doesn't matter
Education: Graduated from high school
Job: Aramark Food Prep (HP Pavilion)
Income: $0-$20,000
Kids: Likes children
Pets: N/A
Languages: English (Fluently), Japanese (Poorly)

Random Facts About Me

2007-10-21T01:36:00.000-07:00

1. I am a European mutt, to the point that to isolate the predominant ethnicity would require a ridiculous amount of research.

2. I was a legal orphan from 2002 until 2007

3. I am a virgin

4. I have only been on two dates, and they both were recent, and with a person that I was not the least bit attracted to.

5. I became a Christian when I was 2.5 years old, and remained a strong and extremely active one until I renounced it in at the beginning of 2007. Then at the end of 2007(after a lot of thought) I became a Christian again. Then I changed my mind again (for various reasons) so as of now I am not a Christian. Yeah, I know I'm very indecisive.

6. From 2001-2002 I took trumpet lessons- and played in a band later on. At the same time I was in a choir, and that year (2002) I successfully performed both the choir and band portions of a high school play, uniform switches and all.

7. From the Jr. high until sophomore year, I had a height of ~4'8", with no more than a few inches growth in that time frame. To correct this, I received growth hormones starting in 8th grade, and ended them at 18 yrs.

8. My 3 brothers and I all have names starting with "J", and all my siblings (including my sister) and I have "Bible names". This seems to be a common practice in the family (the Bible part) since many of my cousins also have this quality.

9. I was home-schooled until I was 6, with additional periods of time when I was 10 and 11.

10. See hardships for some more random, albeit negative, facts.

11. Perhaps in part as a result of homeschooling, I was always interested in academics- simply learning for the sake of learning. I was not aware until just a few days ago that this was the case (never thought about it); I have often attributed my good grades to intelligence, but after having difficulty with much more simple academics from 10th to 12th grades, I became confused, because such a thing did not make sense. recently I realized how obsessed I was with learning prior to that, and confirmed that my lack of performance resulted from a severe decrease in interest.

12. I have been in Fremont mental hospital a total of ~4 times, with the reasons being fits of anger, panicked impulsiveness, and passive obstinance. In all cases, although I was mentally unstable, there was never any chance of me hurting myself or others, or becoming gravely disabled/unable to care for my needs. This means that I was actually put in the hospital for no good reason, and naturally, I didn't get anything out of it, besides...

13. The first (and only) female I've seen naked (in real life) was a schizophrenic patient in Fremont Hospital. Other than half-flashing and full-flashing, she also occasionally punched people randomly. The problem with schizophrenic is that no one will ever know whether or not they listened to "the voices" or acted of their own accord. Who knows, maybe she just wanted attention. Both methods got it immediately.

14. I had auditory hallucinations from 2002 until 2006. Note that this is far from schizophrenic, because although I "heard voices" I had no idea what they were saying, or even if they were actually words. The only ill effect was discomfort in levels proportional to the overall intensity. I believe that, like #4 of "Deep Dark Secrets", "the voices" can be wholly attributed to stress- "the voices" started close to the time my aunt returned me to the children's shelter, and subsided once I had stayed in the same placement for over a year. It's also likely that "the voices" were in a large part due to puberty, since they began a couple months after beginning growth hormones shots. Since "the voices" subsided around the time I stopped taking shots, This theory seems more plausible, although the connection between puberty and psychology seems a bit oblique. My most recent theory, in part due to becoming aware that crime investigators actually do enlist the help of psychics, "the voices" could have been the beginning of the development of flamboyance. This can be supported by the fact that I was not actually aware that at the time of hearing "them", I would soon be taken back to the shelter- so on this basis, it might have been a sort of esp warning.

15. Although I have watched quite a few more than this, I have in my possession a total of ~900-1000 anime episodes (and going) I do not currently own sailor moon, but after adding it, along with other ones I deemed not worth keeping, I have probably watched a total of 1,200 episodes. This does not include english dubs like Pokemon, Dragon Ball, DBZ, Inuyasha, Digimon, Hamtaro, Yu Yu Hakasho, YugiOh!, One Piece, Speed Racer, Mobile Suit Gundam and its sequels, etc- all of which I have never seen a single episode of the original japanese versions (I don't consider then animes for certain reasons- so they don't count. If they did, they would probably add at least 250 more.

16. Currently I have 2135 songs in my possession. (well actually 3-4 of them are an hour long, and are mixes of about 15 songs each, but I don't feel like figuring that out. But assuming that to be the case, it would be closer to 2,200 songs.) But as it stands, half of them (1002) are theme songs from animes, a quarter of them are music from the 70's, the remaining quarter is trance, techno, house and the like. take a little bit away from these measurements and the remainder (probably 35, to round off) is made up of 4 of my favorite albums, all from different genres (rap "Eminem: Curtain Call", pop "Play: Replay", and trance "Cascada" (2 albums- entire collection) Cascada is my favorite trance band, and possibly favorite overall.

17. My favorite song (and choreography sequence) is "Hare Hare Yukai" even though it is in another language (Japanese) I can sing it perfectly now without the words or music. I can even achieve this at 2x+ speed. The next step is to memorize the choreography.

18. My favorite anime is "The Melancholy Of Suzumiya Haruhi" (the "correct way to say it"- in English notation her name would be Haruhi Suzumiya) apparently Japan agrees with me- it was the most popular anime of 2006, the time it aired. Good news- a new season is scheduled to launch between this '07 and early '08.

19. Update- my favorite anime is now Death Note- "T.H.O.S.H." now takes second place.

20. I am quite adapt at speaking basic japanese.

21. My penis size is 6" long, and 5" around.

22. I'm left-handed, with the only exception being using the computer mouse with my right hand.

23. I'm moderately near-sighted, although I have not worn glasses for a while.

24. Although I do not qualify as bisexual (I have zero sexual interest in males) I do consider myself to be halfway between bi-permissive and passively-bi. see here for more information.

25. My sexual interest in prepubescent females is much higher than that of adult females (so, depending on how you define "bisexual" #25 might be partially invalidated. However, this of course is at odds with my ethics, as I have absolutely no intent of consummating this interests for ethical reasons.

26. To date, there is absolutely nothing I am afraid of, whatsoever. As you may realize by now, this amazingly is not a lie (at this point there is no reason to).

27. I do not have any friends, and will not have any until I am able to establish that which is lacking (so until further notice- see here for more information.)

28. On December 14, 2006, one of my roommates died in his sleep. Outside perhaps the death of my grandma, this is the first time I've ever had someone I knew die. (I don't know if my grandma dying would even count, since I wasn't even aware of her death till many years later.)

Deep Dark Secrets

2007-10-20T00:22:00.000-07:00

Although it usually extends beyond this, my honesty is always adamant about matters concerning myself.

Below are the deepest darkest secrets that I have kept about my past. I am a very honest person, however, as to avoid scaring potential friends off, I removed more sensitive materials. However, to be truly consistent concerning this personality trait and lifestyle, I realized I must make no exceptions, and accept the risk.

1. In the past I have taken medications for illnesses such as bipolar, depression, Asperger's syndrome, among other things. There are multiple reasons for this, mostly circumstantial, but recently I made the decision to stop taking medication. Well, to be more precise, I kept forgetting to, and then realized that I was much better off without it. Following the withdrawal period, in addition to not having to sleep nearly as much, and an increase in metabolism...I did so much better I wonder if perhaps I could have saved myself a lot of trouble by not taking it in the first place (not that something like that would be possible in those circumstances, + I didn't know any better.

2. In part because of my aunt's sense of responsibility and misconceptions about my emotional state, and also complimented by an mental imbalance caused by taking unneeded medication, along with constant chaos due to transitions among other things, People got the crazy idea that I needed to a special behavior high school for special treatment. Keeping in mind the circumstances listed above, naturally the behavioral school only caused me to have bad behavior that otherwise would not have existed. As a result, I lost the innocence that I had held onto all through Jr. High. I was stuck in this rut all the way till graduation in June '06

3. My last year in the system (17 or 18 years old) I became bi-curious, and did 69 twice with a guy.

4. One year in Jr. High, I began compulsively sexually harassing the guys my age. Well that's an exaggeration, but honestly, I might have been possessed, because to this day I cannot recall any reason whatsoever for my actions. That is the only time something like that ever happened, but it still creeps me out a lot. I'll try to be optimistic and hope it was just stress overload.

5. In an effort to justify the actions of pedophiles (since overall they don't seem all that mean or perverted) I did an experiment. Using only my imagination, I first masturbated to the most sexually attractive woman possible. After than, I masturbated to the image of a little girl (i.e. no tits, no ass, etc.) The results were surprising- my arousal and the level of orgasm was much more with the little girl. I have no intention of becoming a pedophile, but this experience did lead to a much clearer understanding of their motivations. Chances are not many people can empathize with such an experience though, because we all sexually attracted to different people for different reasons. Ok, well although I won't actively be a pedophile, I may just children as a visual. after all, since it works better, it's common sense, right? Well, considering the definition of pedophile, pedophilia is not a lifestyle or a choice. Whether or not I act on it, I guess I am a pedophile, since I can't help that I'm more sexually attracted to little girls. I suppose when I get a girlfriend, I'll probably get one that looks like a little girl (i.e. short, baby face, etc.)

6. I have a tendency to torture cats; so, if given the opportunity I have and will start torturing it eventually.

I'm promising myself I will not regret posting this, but I know without a doubt that the above will seriously damage my reputation (especially #5!)

I love Japan

2007-10-19T15:38:00.000-07:00

update: I have determined that the following is exaggerated quite a bit- but since I'm too lazy to tune things to a more realistic and practical level- I'll have to ask you to figure out which parts are exaggerated for yourself.

In addition, my logic at the time of writing this was fatally flawed. so the parts about the love being consummate and deeper than the love people have for each other, pretend those lines never existed- I don't have the patience right now to filter it all out- the structure of the entire post in unfortunately based upon these misconceptions, so I'd have to rework everything from scratch, and right now I don't want to do that.

I love Japan- in fact, at the moment of writing this I have just realized that I love Japan more than most people of this world have ever loved each other. To be specific, I love Japan with a consummate love.

The acclaimed psychologist Robert Sternberg developed a model of the different forms of love, which is known as the triangular theory of love. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Triangular_theory_of_love)
It is incredibly easy to understand, but the implications are very insightful. For starts, love is defined by three elements: Passion, Intimacy, and Commitment.

Infactuation= Passion, but no Intimacy or Commitment
Fatuation= Passion and Commitment, but no Intimacy
Romantic Love= Passion and Intimacy, but no Commitment
Companionate Love= Intimacy and Commitment, but no Passion
Empty Love= Just the shell of Commitment
Intimacy by itself is the defining aspect of close friends
Finally, Consummate Love encompasses all three aspects of love, the holy grail and ultimate ideal of those who seek it. And consummate love is what I have for Japan

Intimacy: I probably know more about Japan than 90% of the U.S. population put together- mind you, the general population tends to not be that interested in Japan, but you get the point.

Passion: Well, I wouldn't have to explain this portion if you know me, and chances are, if you're visiting this site you do. But to give a few examples:

1st sure sign- I've decided to write a book called "Remodeling Japan" to outline the many reasons why Japan, in spite of having a country with almost no natural resources, less than 15% farmable land, and on top of that a territory smaller than California (U.S.), was able to because the second richest country in the world. Ok, I'll try to resist the temptation to say more about it- I need you to have some reason to buy it when it comes out!

2nd sure sign- I've been thinking of wanting a tattoo for a long time, but after finding my name in japanese katakana (a kana variation), I decided that this would be my tattoo.

3rd sure sign- I am 100% positive that I want to give up my U.S. citizenship in exchange for Japanese when I get older. That's right- and I put a whole lot of thought into it.

4th sure sign- Well, have a talk with me and you'll see...

And the final element, commitment- I've committed most of my time the last few months to understanding, experiencing, and evangelizing Japanese culture. yes, I said evangelizing. Japan is my Jesus (well, I guess in this case it would be more appropriate to say Buddha since about 84% of Japanese claim Shinto Buddhism as their religion) other than that- the fact I'm willing to give up my residence and citizenship for one in Japan is a sure sign of my commitment to Japan

so that settles it- I have a platonic, unrequited, and yet consummate love for Japan. amazing, isn't it? Soooo... does this mean I can't fall in love with a woman because my heart in its fullness belongs to Japan? well, I guess we'll have to wait and see.....

hardships

2007-10-19T15:30:00.000-07:00

Here I will lay it all out bare- the other posts tell everything about me possible except my life story.

Well guess what, folks? Here I'm going to even give away that too!

But just do me a favor, will you? Swear on your life that you will not feel sorry for me, because I love my past. The reason
for this is I love everything about myself, and have no regrets. Few people on this earth can honestly say that, and you
probably know I'm telling the truth, since I've made that quality of myself pretty darn clear.

I'll start with a few facts:
my brother got hit by a car when he was 5, resulting in temporary crippling and permanent brain damage.
my younger sister was molested by my other brother when I was 9.
my mom is mentally ill, including schizophrenia, paranoia, depression, etc.
I was belted frequently, most times of which it was not my fault, or anyones for that matter.
I wet the bed until my mid-teens.

there were many people who lived in our house, many of which were manipulative, abusive, and half-crazy. my family let them live there for free for a few years out of the goodness of their heart, and ended up getting used and screwed in the end. my brother, as a result of molesting my sister, was taken to juvenile hall, and then to a group home, along with several places afterwards. my sister was placed in foster care around that time, and I didn't see or hear or know of her whereabouts for several years. my mom declared several of the residents witches, and forced them all out, followed by forcing out the replacements (all of which she invited in the first place. My mom filed a restraining order on my dad when he resisted her trying to control the happenings of the house. then, since she didn't have a job, we lived off of food stamps. after that, my mom started talking about her dream about my dad being drawn away from the path, following the dark looming shadow that metaphorically represented the new age cult. then she read a Bible verse that said "run to the hills, ye Jerusalem" (I think it's in the prophets, after Isaiah). and we took a long walk, I'd say about 10 miles, to the east hills. We then went up the hills, all the way at the top, and hid at midnight beside the freeway. after that we came back. (speaking of which, my other brother (I have 4 siblings total) was born with several diseases: one that he could not walk because his nerves were defective at birth ("Spina Bifida"?). and the other something like "Bolus Bobilius", which makes it difficult (originally impossible) to eat, which meant he had to have liquid Pedia-Sure through a tube in his stomach (called a bolus tube). oh, and for a large period of time I had to take charge of caring for him, including taking out his stool (shit) with petroleum jelly. and I had to catheterize him too (put a tube in his penis to be able to transfer his urine to a cup). because of the tube in his stomach, I had to rub peroxide and sometimes silver nitrate at the insertion place, to clean and remove dead skin to prevent infection. I did all this for a while, sometimes getting up in the middle of the night to do it (because he had Pedia-Sure, he had to be fed 5 or 6 times a day, at regular intervals. He also had to be catheterized in at these times too. Anyway, because he couldn't walk, when we went all the way and up the east hills and back, we pushed him on wheel chair the whole way. later, my mom booked a flight to Kansas (my dad said it was actually Florida, but we thought it was Kansas) but since the transaction was electronically-based, she was convinced that they were new-age agents, and decided not to go to Kansas, and so we spent the night sleeping in the airport instead. after that, later on my mom said we were in the apocalypse, and so we needed to hide from the new age people, because otherwise they would drug and brainwash us and force the mark of the beast upon us. I suggested a place my sister and I had been to before she was taken away, and so we went there- which is a creek under a bridge not far from the house. We took with us several devotion books, but no food. My mom said we must starve to death so they can never get to us. While we were there, I slipped and few into the creek. Because my clothes were wet, I took them off and wrapped myself in a blanket we brought. We built a shelter from scratch, using branches, moss, dirt, and plants. However,
at the end of the night everyone except my mom and I were complaining about hunger, so we went back. At this point my mom and dad were legally separated. We went back, and my mom decided to go by her maiden name, since she wasn't actually married to my dad (even though she was, not so in her eyes since she claimed to be tricked). She had us do the same as well, and I continued to be faithful to her wishes until a couple years later. Social services, due to my brother's accident and my sister's molestation, were in previous contact, and due to my mom's irrational methods of dealing with their visits, they were suspicious. After hearing several reports, and finally my mom using her maiden name for mail, the police stepped in on court orders and took my two brothers and I to the children's shelter. At this time I was 11 years old.

And now for the hardships I had after being taken to the shelter: (To be continued...)

Todo list for my life

2007-10-19T15:26:00.000-07:00

This is a todo list for my life, and is arranged by priority.

1. Get a girlfriend

2. significantly expand my circle of friends.

3. get a tattoo a custom design ジャスティン [insert "heart" symbol here] 日本 (Japan in Japanese).

4. Fall in love with someone, preferably someone who loves me too.

5. Write at least 5 books [in approximately this order]- (1) a collection of my thoughts about life (2) a highly original fiction novel, (3) an autobiography (4) a book speculating on the true literary origins of the Bible, and (5) one promoting Japanese cultural ethics- ultimately this book should influence the U.S. to follow the same systems.

6. Decide on a major that best fits both my interests and strengths.

7. Get a career following the same pattern

8. Become fluent enough in Japanese to pass the Language Proficiency Test, ideally at a high level.

9. Move to Japan

10. Gain Japanese citizenship.

11. Get married

12. have children.

13. take advantage of my awareness of fate, and dedicate myself to giving my children the best fate humanly possible, by raising them in such a way that covers all the bases, ensuring that they will succeed accordingly.

14. dedicate the remainder of my life to seeking out as many of life's answers as possible.

"Since a person doesn't necessarily need to ask questions to get answers- why even ask? It would be a lot more efficient and a whole lot less worrisome. If we bypass the questions and find the answers on our own. For that reason, I try to never ask questions, but just seek out the answers. Life's a lot simpler like that." - me

my gods; other thoughts

2007-10-19T06:27:00.000-07:00

the following is a list of organizations I obsess about so much calling them my gods would not be inaccurate:

(in order by level of worship, most to least)

1. Japan
2. Google
3. Linux
4. Wikipedia
5. Craigslist

ok- can't say I worship any organizations to a level remotely comparable to those above, so I guess I'll end there.

Now for other thoughts:

I often think about after death *see post "after death...?" , and every time I think about it my mind is boggled. I don't believe in heaven and hell, primarily to fundamental consistencies (you won't change my mind)- so that leaves non-existence. even if I am reincarnated, I will have no memory of my past life, so the me of now will eternally cease to exist. Well obviously not existing doesn't involve pain or negative emotions, but the whole idea feels so wrong...I suppose we developed in such a way that our logic contradicts the idea of non-existence, leading to a metaphorical cyclic redundancy, empty set, or repeating decimal. Or, perhaps it's just me- I never asked anyone about this particular thing, although I have acknowledged my own thoughts about this. I think it's amazing that non-existence makes perfect sense, but I cannot come to logically accept it. I'm curious as to whether this irony might be a hint pointing to the true meaning of life.

One of the only genres of movies that I have never been able to truly enjoy are comedies. I'm pretty sure I get all the humor- I don't don't find it funny. So I usually stick to romantic comedies. But I can't even truly them- because most of them involve problems that could easily be fixed on the spot with honesty and openness. If you don't like something tell them, if you think that something might cause problems for the relationship, just tell them. If you really love them, telling them everything shouldn't be a problem, and if they really love you, the truth shouldn't matter not matter what it is. That's pretty much a no-lose situation, but they always choose to cause trouble for themselves and others. Movies are supposed to be based on real life- so thinking about it can be really depressing- God I hope they aren't that many foolish people in this world. Perhaps I am being a bit close-minded, but I can't help but think how utterly moronic it is for people to not have honesty and openness in a relationship. Seriously, when there's nothing to lose, why is it people prefer to dig themself a grave instead? I just don't get it- someone, please help me to understand this seemingly foolish lifestyle that so many people appear to have.

Turn-Offs/Turn-Ons

2007-10-18T11:43:00.000-07:00

although this is preliminary- I feel it is necessary to list the things (that I am aware of) that turn me on and off, both for my benefit, and for those who know me or wish to get to know me.

Turn-Offs:

1. Dislike of cold weather
2. Having little to no concern for the future
3. Having an excessive need for sex
4. Tendency to patronize
5. Highly influenced by mass-media/peer pressure
6. close-mindedness
7. A lack of knowledge and/or use thereof (i.e. using improper grammar on a regular basis)
8. Intelligence deficiency
9. A lack of ambition; laziness
10. Inability to seriously commit
11. Sexy

Turn-Ons:
1. Intelligence
2. Having an active knowledge of philosophy/psychology
3. Singing
4. Dancing
5. Brunette
6. Short in height
7. Taking an active interest in writing
8. Unique/Counter-cultural (within reason)
9. Strong love for music
10. Adventurous
11. Cute

Essence Of The Soul

2007-10-17T15:30:00.000-07:00

This is a book I am creating, and as such this post will (hopefully) be updated from time to time...

Update: this post has been discontinued, not because I ran out of steam, but because the steam wasn't good enough. If you disagree- it doesn't mean that I'm too critical of my work- just means you have bad taste. If that is the case- for the sake of you having a more accurate feel for high quality literary works- I suggest that you do yourself a favor and force yourself to think this is boring, because if you do not- your life will be ruined by the buildup of mild delusions. Face reality (just as I am), and admit this story sucks. I intend to freshen my sense of creativity- and come out with something much better. Eventually this might be adapted into something else- but don't count on it.

Essence Of The Soul

by Justin Benjamin

By which method can one determine reality? We have guides all around us, things like the senses, logic, and the perceptions of those around us, but does it not vary from person to person, even if only the slightest? In addition, with all honesty we can only accept that this reality we are bound by is wholly attributed to the past. What if reality was something to be discovered, is something to be explored? Most choose to leave those questions unanswered, and accept the reality created by the past. Some indulge in determining their own fate, but “in reality” are still bound by the same legacy; many of these would not realize this even if they were told, because the vast majority of the rules bestowed upon us are painfully unsaid. It would seem that this would sum up all those that are governed by this antiquity in one way or another, But let us not forget the select few that make the choice to abandon these limitations and create their own reality- although some do not yet know they have made the choice.

Chapter 1- The mysterious piano

In the the elevator of Congress Library's Madison Building, all inside were backed against the walls, most of which seemed to be holding their breath...except one. Was this person dangerous? No. Did he have a deadly illness that was highly contagious. Most definitely not. But Jason Thomas did have a quality that seemed a novelty in this day and age- His life was not influenced by society in any way, shape or form. In fact, he actually influenced society. Not only that- his disconnection from the rules of society even extends to his ideas about life. To put it bluntly, he believes what he want to believe, and his logic is highly original. It should be noted that having a logic as unique as this prohibits believing in something that anyone but him came up with, which of course means he does not believe in Big Foot, aliens, and other supernatural phenomena that have echoes through the centuries.

However, this does not explain why all but himself are against the wall, barely drawing breath. Well, the answer to this is comparably simple- He had simply casually mentioned that he had a deadly and contagious disease, and went on to explain the details, endlessly (to those around him) building upon the fearful visual. Within the first 30 seconds, there was no doubt in anyone's mind that he indeed had the disease, and furthermore, was mentally unstable. Jason is actually one of the most honest people you'd ever meet, and probably is the most candid. That being said, how could he lie so convincingly? The answer would shock most, so try to keep an open mind- He can because he is so honest. Now before you get worked up about this paradox, Let me explain: Jason's honesty allowed him to realize that reality cannot be defined, or if it can that definition is not static. Thus, because at least one version of reality involves him having a deadly and highly contagious disease, He could easily believe it and cause others to as well. In truth, however, for him to get sick was so rare a thing that some may call it an omen. He could count the times he'd been sick in his life on his fingers.

Jason loved playing mind-games, although sometimes he loathed this about himself- people don't like others to mess with their heads, and so at times this hobby of his resulted in social isolation. The habit was so hard to break (since it's so damn fun), so he gave up trying to break it, although he still thinks about it on occasion. He also didn't care much for what people think about his actions. Not that he didn't take other's thoughts into consideration, but usually he found that his original thoughts were best. That's the kind of person he is. You could say that most of the time he just took in others' perspectives as a courtesy. Understandably, sometimes he wondered why he even bothered.

Now they had reached the first floor, and as the doors opened, all those inside scrambled out like bats out a cave. Jason gave himself a moment to take in the pleasantly comic scene, and then proceeded to head home. Pulling of acts like this are actually a daily occurrence for him, so you might wonder at what kind of person he is, having that much time on his hands. The truth may surprise you- the reason he has that much time on his hands is because pulling off acts like this is his job! Now as convenient as this may sound, most of the work isn't that easy. Sure he got to indulge in his favorite hobby, but that was only for ten minutes of each work day. The rest of the time, he wrote notes, analyzed data, researched statistics. These were all the things that he was good at, so I guess you could say it was the perfect job for him. The results of his work have a significant impact on the future of society, and he knows it- but the goals that he has in mind far exceed even that. Well, that being said, even Jason is not yet fully aware of the extent of his goals; much of this is still buried in his subconscious, waiting to be discovered.

After Jason got home, he received a call on his cell immediately after stepping out of the call. He heard the familiar trance tone he selected, and immediately knew that it was someone he did not know. The reason why he chose trance for these cases were that both trance music and the idea of getting calls from random people were both very exciting to him. Perhaps his anticipation was correct in this case...

But in this case it was someone he did know- it was his good friend Tony.

“Bet you were wondering who was calling, huh?” he remarked.

“Well actually, my cell just died, so I had to use the pay phone. I knew I should've replaced it by now, and speak of the devil!” Jason grinned.

“Well anyways, listen- there's these rumors going around about this mysterious piano. But these aren't the everyday rumors- no one has any actual information on it, and we all know if it was made up, someone would be a better job. I thought you'd want to check it out. Me personally, well you know me- I'm not the one interested in that stuff. Why don't you check it out?"

“You read my mind- hey Tony, did I ever tell you I have something of a hobby for playing piano?”

“No, you haven't. That being the case, what kept you from telling me until now?” Tony asked.

“Don't be silly- I just said it's something of a hobby. You know well that my other hobbies are a whole lot more that something. The truth is, I just never got around to telling you, or even thought about it. I was too preoccupied with those other hobbies, as I'm sure you understand.”

“Ok you got me, I give!” They both laugh. “Okay, I won't give away any spoilers, I know you wouldn't like that. The address is at 828 PROSPECT PL, 53703- so yeah, it's pretty near here. So I'll leave things at that- I'll catch you later then.”

Tony was more than a friend, he was a brother to Jason. Actually, he didn't follow the philosophy of 'blood's thicker than water.' Sure there is an undeniably convincing amount of history behind family bonds, But that was about the only thing that could support that type of thinking in his mind. Plus Jason never really spent much time with his family, so he didn't know any of them at all. One exception was his cousin Joy. But the ironic thing about it was that neither he nor any of his immediate family knew of her existence until after he had reached the age of majority. To this day, he still didn't know much about her, but he kind of liked it that way- so Jason didn't press her about her past.

So Jason got in the car, and headed down to the address he and Tony discussed, but halfway down there, something changed. he didn't know what it was, but was sure that it was important. It was a bit surprising, because there is the inevitable question "How could I know that something changed if I don't even have the slightest idea of what it might be?" But instead of worrying about this question, he marveled at it- and kept his mind occupied with what it might be. Not for long though- because soon he found such an engrossing thing was too dangerous while driving.

Upon reaching the place, Jason suddenly became aware of the location of the piano, as well as the things surrounding it...all while not knowing why. This is getting to be very interesting! he thought, but if he had been able to see into the future, I doubt he would have said that. Not that is wouldn't be very interesting, but that just those words wouldn't cover it. But not only was he aware of the piano, but he felt drawn to it- no just from interest, but almost magnetically. As he approached the piano, a song ran through his head- a beautiful song, no only that he'd never heard, but in a language he was sure was not from this earth. But at the same time the voice in the song did maintain an air of humanity. He felt a growing sense of calm at first, but just as a color spectrum blends together tones that normally clash, The feeling shifted to a a growing passion, melancholy, and ecstasy, as well as others. Awed by the utter splendor of the song, and the undeniable power it possessed, Jason was speechless. He had always be the inquisitive type- but never until now had the questions been so numerous, or so profound. He wanted answers, and knew there was probably only one way to find them.

So he sat at the bench, and began playing the song running through his head. This was not a problem, since Jason was an expert at improvisation. As he began to play, the voice began to changed to blend in harmony with the original song. Upon realizing this, Jason decided to take the challenge and concentrate on improvising the original part. The resulting piece was, quite frankly, out of this world; pity it wasn't recorded. As he continued to play, Jason began to see a shadow taking form beside him. This must be the owner of the voice, he thought. He was determined to learn more about this person, the secret behind the beauty of her voice, and how she was related to the mysterious piano, and the supernatural aura surrounding it. With that motivation, Jason continued playing with passion worthy of recognition. The shadow grew in clarity, and eventually took the form of what seemed to be female- but the bright and warm glow made it clear that she was not human. But at that point, the song drew to an end. At that moment, she began to fade. But before she had completely disappeared, he distinctly heard her say a few parting words.

"For the past few centuries, I have been trapped within this...piano. Well, at least that's what it is now...I don't have time to explain. I have been very lonely here, and you not only freed me from this prison, but helped me to remember the joy of the simple things in live. In thanks, I will bestow upon you some of the mysteries of the world."

With those words, she vanished completely, and to his great surprise, the piano along with her. At this point, Jason had a whole lot of questions and no answers, and he thought that quite ironic, especially since she had said that she would bestow upon him mysteries of the world. At least from th surface, it was quite the opposite- she had bestowed him the first mystery he had not solved...Well, of those that he had actually tried to- there are more mysteries than the whole world could even hope to solve in their lives. This being the case, it was clear to him that her words extended beyond human knowledge, and the truth would probably come with time.

So with that thought in mind, Jason decided to let the truth find him, and began to make his way back home. But even that being said, he was so absorbed in thought, he neglected to call Tony back, and when he decided to call Jason to see what was up- from the outside one could assume he was ignoring it. Finally, Jason heard it- and the shock could have driven him out of his skin if it were loosely attached (which fortunately it was not).

"Hey Jason, what's up? I was getting worried about you man- with you not calling and then all this time I've been calling you- I've been worried sick about you."That was an exaggeration, but it was true that Tony was worried. After all, there isn't a decent friend out there who wouldn't be/

"Yeah, sorry about that- I've been really deep in thought. Like you said, it really wasn't an ordinary mystery. Hey listen, sorry to do this to you, but can we wait till tomorrow to talk about it?"

"No problem- don't worry about it. That's my job. Well, guess I'll be looking forward to the details in anticipation. Hey listen- take care of yourself, okay?"

"I'll do that- thanks for your concern." The truth is, Jason didn't know why he felt the need to put off the talk. It's true that he was confused, but there was more to it than that. Something told him that he would be best off doing it that way. Perhaps the beginning of the revelations of which the unknown woman ("it"?) was referring. Well, it could have been just wishful thinking, but in this case Jason might not have been relatively close to the truth- or, perhaps the absence of it.

As he lay in bed, Jason was overwhelmed with what seemed to be a trance. Well, not that he would know, not having even been in one- but it was at least exactly what he imagined one to be. But as he "smoldered" in a daze, he became engrossed in the dancing of lights in the shadows of him apartment. He felt a mix of peace, ecstasy, and...Suddenly Jason realized that these all these feelings and the way they blended was exactly the same at it had just hours before while he was listening to the voice, and playing the piano in harmony with it. With that realization, he broke out of the trance instantaneously, and in the same moment realized that under normal circumstances, lights would not dance in the shadows at night.

Moments after that, he heard a voice speaking out to him. At first the words sounded like gibberish, and had a more chaotic tone, but intuitively he took the initiative and forcefully calmed himself. Then, he reasoned that since this voice was in his head, in order to communicate he had to speak on its terms, which in this case was telepathic. Who are you? I somehow feel that you are close to me, but at the same time far away. Please help me to understand what is going on. In all honesty, Jason was not even aware of that much until that instant. It was as if at the very moment that he established communication, a small glimpse of the truth had been revealed to him all at once. That, and he was also able to respond under those pretexts at the same time. Well, perhaps it was a bit different, but there are only so many explanations available, considering that the time frame is limited to milliseconds.

I am very surprised that we are even able to communicate- this has never happened before. Not in the trillions of years that we have existed. I know everything about you- but, as it is to be expected, you know nothing about me. Normally universal law states that we are not to enlighten humans of the true nature of things, or about their connection to ourselves. But it seems that another of our kind has already done so- and, as is the nature of these things, there is no going back. I don't know if this is for better or worse, but if you don't mind I plan to take full advantage of this once in a lifetime opportunity.

At these words, Jason became exhausted, and once again fell into a trance. When he finally came to, he was in a world unlike any other. Next to him was a man, glowing with the same radiance of that of the woman that night, and also taking a similar form. Rather than questioning his surrounding (he knew better) Jason took the initiative and began the introductions. "Since you know everything about me, it's only fair that I know a bit about you. let's start with your name."

"Good question- and the answer is not so simple. Souls- if that is what you would call us, do not have names. The reason for this is that we could not bear to taken on such superficial traditions. Instead, we prefer to familiarize ourselves with each other's auras-the signature or dna of each individual soul. This is especially appropriate since we only communicate telepathically."

"On that note, I noticed that right now we are not using that method, but instead as "humans" do. Explain to me how this works."

"Ah, yes, of course! See, I've enveloped us in an illusion for your convenience- seeing as how it can be a bit awkward, if not disconcerting for one such as yourself to communicate in the "normal" manner.

"One more thing...-" he was cut off. "Perhaps it would be better if I read your mind and give you all the answers in an instant."

"That would be quite convenient...ok go right ahead."

In that moment Jason learned of this place, of the connection between souls, and several things were cleared up with the answers he was given. To be safe, the soul only informed him of the bare essentials, partly because the development of the human brain was a group effort- and as such no single person had an completely accurate understanding of it. Another reason was because communicating with humans directly, although has happened, only happens about once every 100 years, and only in special circumstance. Thus, the nature of such communication is fundamentally experimental.

The place in which they were currently "conversing" was a middle-ground between dimensions, the realities of souls and of humans. This soul, which prior to these events had been assigned to him, was able to take Jason here using dreams as a catalyst. The reason why it could be done in this way is because this area was the closest to the human psyche- and as such could be reached by an ordinary human while dreaming. At some some point in their life, most humans actually have crossed over to the dimension of souls- but because it is a dream, few if any have ever been able to realize understand, or believe this knowledge- simply because "it was only a dream." This place is conveniently also the best place for humans to exchange thoughts on a subconscious level, which of course is the best way to exchange thoughts- because there is no better way to ensure applying knowledge effectively.

Even a stranger with an untrained eye would see this place as a utopia, and Jason, a more prepared and open-minded individual, could fully appreciate the magnificence and splendor of it all.

Making Changes

2007-10-13T04:37:00.000-07:00

The most effective way to make any change is to identify the exact opposite, and take a course of action that best reflects the inverse of the original behavior, action, personality trait, etc. A smile stifles anger, confidence removes all doubt, skepticism shatters the strongest of traditions. Silence infects the most stubborn of chatterboxes, and perseverance hurdles the greatest of obstacles. But this principle is not just psychological, it encompasses all areas of life, although (for now) I won't go into depth regarding that. Probably the most famous endeavors making use of this principle are the nonviolent protest- Rather than foolishly adding to the fuel of war, pacifists simply operating in such a manner that even the most patriot of citizens lost the will to support war. I consider this to be one of the most creative of all diplomatic efforts thus recorded in history.

But few people are full aware of the associated implications- By applying this knowledge to daily life whenever possible, we can improve many areas much faster- and some areas cannot be changed by any other means than this. If we are lacking in any area at all, the most effective means is to take on roles that produce opposite behavior. Many times it must be done forcibly, but in the long run, (assuming your reasons for the changed are well-founded) it's always worth it. To apply this to my own life: Physically and sexually, I tend not to take the initiative, maintaining a relatively passive approach. This is not true of the other areas, but just these two. Especially for a guy, this has some disadvantages- so to effectively change it, I should take the initiative at every opportunity, no matter how awkward.

In the same way, the best way to become more social, is to force yourself into a highly social environment, to overcome any fear the best way is to confront it head on, to become more organized and improve planning skills, live a life overflowing with appointments. My favorite quality of humans, is to adapt. sure, animals have it to- but only in humans can the beauty be clearly seen. Because of adaptation, the most trying of circumstances can be dealt with just as easily as a person would normally. To me, this ability merits a great deal of praise.

The Unofficial Guide to Anime Fandom

2007-10-12T07:18:00.000-07:00

Use this as a reference by which to determine others' (or your own) dedication to anime:

(note I'm sure you will realize that the AMV Hell part is biased, but I seriously doubt there is a serious anime fan out there that hasn't seen the AMV Hell movies (at least AMV Hell 3- 4 just came out, so we should cut them some slack.)

Entry-Level Anime Fan:

1. knowledge of subs, dubs, and the difference between them.
2. has seen both AMV Hell 3 and 4
3. recognizes at least a few of the animes in AMV Hell 3/4, and has an accurate memory of the associated scenes.
4. Familiar with basic japanese phrases
5. Have watched animes encoded as mkv/ogm.

Dedicated Anime Fan:

1. Instantly recognize most of the animes in AMV Hell 3/4, and an accurate memory of the associated characters and scenes for many of these.
2. Well-versed regarding Hare Hare Yukai "Sunny Sunny Happy"
3. Able to fully appreciate many of the references in AMV Hell 3/4
4. Can speak enough japanese to hold a decent (albeit very basic) conversation in japanese.
5. Is a regular of the following sites: http://a.scarywater.net http://gendou.com http://animesuki.com http://animemusicvideos.org http://animeworld.com
6. has been forced to empty or upgrade hard drive at least twice.

Obsessed Anime Fan:

1. Instantly recognizes most of the animes in AMV Hell 3/4, and an accurate memory of the exact episodes, scenes, and an intimate understanding of the associated characters
2. Has memorized several dozen anime songs word-for-word, beat-for-beat
3. Can perfectly do both singing and choreography for Hare Hare Yukai
4. An intimate understanding of several fansubbing groups.
5. Can speak japanese fluently
6. Active involvement in the translation and production of fansubs.
7. Well-versed in japanese culture.
8. Producer of some well-made amv's

note that for all 3 categories (and particularly the last) being able to identify with everything is not necessary to fulfill the stereotype. furthermore, if you are japanese, being able to speak it fluently, etc. is not applicable to you.

Just to let everyone know, I'm about halfway between "Dedicated Anime Fan" and "Obsessed Anime Fan."

my best skill

2007-10-11T21:02:00.000-07:00

This is part of an email I wrote- I'm too lazy to edit it so (for now) it will stay in the original format

I have identified a skill that I could probably put to good use (most of my skills aren't all that valuable career-wise)

well, more accurately, I was able to organize several talents into a single word- and in doing so provided a clear pathway by which to apply the talents, many of which of which otherwise would effectively be wasted for the most part.

and that word is "skimming" (I have been trying to figure this one out for a while). Because I am good at skimming, I can perform most operating system functions in just a few seconds, I can find any topic, subject, and (sometimes) word in a book near-instantly, and I am able just as relatively quickly when browsing the web, because I am good at skimming I can determine whether or not I will like a song I have never heard near-instantly (if using a computer- to use the seek function) and (although I have never actually tried this, for fairly obvious reasons) probably the same applies to a movie. on that topic by means of skimming I can determine whether or not a video file is the one I wanted ( i.e. if I'm in the middle of a series, but don't know the episode- I can (within seconds) find which one out of the lot I left off from) the same applies to manga- I can (within seconds) find, out of the thousands of .jpg images- which one I left off from, even with only a rough idea of where. although this is possible with music, there wouldn't be a point, plus anyone could find where they left off in something as short as a song, so that example would be meaningless.

For the same reason, I am really good at figuring things out simply by exploring the options- I can usually solve such problems easy because I'm good at skimming.

such skills must have real-life applications, so I need to find which ones would suit me best. lol ego session done

Ranting about Christianity

2007-10-10T18:30:00.000-07:00

This is just something I have to get of the way- so please don't assume from this post that I live my life solely to mercilessly criticize Christianity...

There is an all powerful, all knowing, all seeing God out there that has always existed, and he loves everything he has created with a love so deep, strong, and unconditional, that we could never hope to understand it. And yet, if because of my honest nature (that he created me with) I will go to hell, because I believe This God to be a lie. I cannot lie to myself, and thus cannot believe in the God of the Bible...and yet the God that has all the above qualities- feels compelled to send me to hell. Even if I ignore the inconsistencies (i.e. The Bible clearly states that he is not willing that any should perish....and if that is the case, an all powerful, all knowing God should no problem preventing it- Heck, since he knew (if applicable) we were going to hell before we were born, he shouldn't have created us in the first place.)- even if I ignore all that, I could not believe an all powerful, all knowing God who's compelled to send us to hell (if applicable) could do such a thing unless he really hated us (considering what type of place hell is commonly depicted to be [although that is debatable])- A God who sends us to such a place for any reason- and yet have love for us beyond understanding would be logically unthinkable.

That is why I refuse to accept the Bible as truth...to do so would give God an infinitely revolting image...and it would also redefine love in a truly depressing way. If the God of the Bible really exists, I'd say I might be better off in Hell, since the feature attraction there is complete eternal separation from God...that might be far more appealing, considering the only other option is eternal servitude of such a dreadfully hateful God.

Although it's true that I renounced Christianity due to the myriad of inconsistencies in the Bible, the above are my primary reasons.

Pre-LTR Agreements

2007-10-07T14:04:00.000-07:00

If I were to get in an Long-Term Relationship (FYI- I don't do short-term), my partner would have to agree to the following agreements. These measures will ensure the success of the relationship.

if applicable, exceptions are made for life-and-death situations, or other circumstances that involve comparably great losses.

1. We must be completely honest and open at all times. This means that if either of us even think that maybe we should tell the other something, we should tell them. If we really love each other, the information wouldn't matter. In addition, finding out the other knew something, and didn't tell, can lead to distrust, as well as many other negative things. In many cases, the willingness to disclose such sensitive information would lead to stronger mutual bond that is proportional to how sensitive the information is, because your willingness to disclose reflects upon both your character and your dedication to the relationship.

2. We must always trust each other.

3. Jealousy is strongly discouraged.

4. We must be financially independent of each other.

5. Love must be prioritized over sex.

6. When making decisions, emphasis is put on seeing things from the perspective of the other.

7. If the LTR involves marriage, we must live with each other for while before marriage, to ensure that we are comfortable living with each other. In many cases people are not prepared to live with each other after marriage, so this solves that problem.

8. Anything that is considered morally wrong (by my definition, see "Cultural Independence" post) should be avoided.

My Beliefs about reincarnation/evolution

2007-10-05T17:52:00.000-07:00

I've put this off for a long time (writing this post); well, technically I already wrote it, but since I lost the writing after formatting my hard drive for about the 100th time (that's not an exaggeration)- I have to recompile my thoughts again. So here goes:

I believe that in the beginning, there were intelligent souls that, for one purpose or another, sought to improve upon their current using the best means possible. Whether or not they always existed, or were a byproduct of "The Big Bang"- speculation gives way to debate, and even speculating on their origin undoubtedly extends beyond our comprehension, leading to confusion. But fortunately I'm relatively unconcerned with the origin of their existence, just as I am relatively unconcerned with the origin of God, if speaking from the perspective that he indeed does exist.

As such, it was decided that life would be the best method by which to gain knowledge, experience, and further all of the areas that were lacking. Thus they created life for this very purpose, and it seems that they were successful. Of all known things in the universe, life is the only thing that demonstrates the true nature of adaptation so intensely. What better training can a person have when is comes to adaptation than life itself?

Some say that the existence of reincarnation is limited to humans, others say it extends to animals. Truth be told, it all depends on the opinions regarding which life is intelligent and which is not. Because we still have not even scratched the surface of this universe; no- not even of the earth- It may well be that all life, even plants and fungi, or viruses (which are not considered alive since they do not possess a nucleus)- may also be included in the reincarnation of souls. But for the time being, this information is irrelevant.

This being the case, it makes perfect sense that we would have no memory of our past lives. If we did, it would interfere with the souls progress in adapting. Just as in algebra to solve the equation, we must isolate the variable- Souls must isolate to adapt. We would become confused, resulting in waste. However, since there have been some reports yielding evidence of reincarnation, it is plausible that exceptions are made, for things such as (for example) a metaphysical imbalance. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Twenty_Cases_Suggestive_of_Reincarnation

There is the dilemma of reconciling the idea of reincarnation with the ever-increasing population, But there are many, if not potentially infinite explanations for this (infinite because our knowledge of the universe is infinitely limited, considering the universe itself is theoretically infinite.) But I will list a few that I find most likely: First we must consider that, especially considering we have no memory of past lives, and thus are essentially separate from the soul from the time we are alive, a soul making use of several lifeforms at once seems like a good idea. In addition, with how vast the universe is, even souls only came into being one per million years per "light-year-sized" area, It would more than compensate for the ever increasing population. Another thing to consider, is that perhaps more "aliens" are dying elsewhere than are born here, and our high birth rate is to make up for it. But again, speculation on this matter is relatively futile.

Although this matter is also of little significance, I will clarify my beliefs on the point of recursion- so as to be consistent. In other words, regarding the question, "At what point does a reincarnation cycle repeat itself?" Although I do not have a definite opinion, I believe it to be the point of fertilization. From this point-of-view, a miscarriage can be seen as the result of a failed "soul-bonding" (lol, get it?- if not, see Fullmetal Alchemist)

Now the relation to evolution: adaptation is the base-form of evolution, so even without visible mutation, we all evolve with each new day. Our evolution is reflect in our personality, talents, skills, etc. Critics of evolution claim that if it exists, the effects would be more evident. But with the millions of years evolution requires, we are lucky to see it at all. But apparently critics continue to ignore what evidence does exist.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Supernumerary_body_part

just 1 year ago, a woman in the UK successfully gave birth to triplets, and these babies came out of 2 vaginae. Now tell me, how is that not evolution? http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/6199363.stm

But that aside, I believe that evolution, especially in most extreme contexts, exists to mirror the corresponding evolution of the soul, and thus better accommodate it. On that note, my belief regarding the reconciliation of reincarnation with the current birth rate, I believe that as souls adapt, they evolve to higher forms of life- thus, since humans are the highest (known) form of life, I don't believe I with come back as an animal, plant, or any other primitive lifeform, because my soul has already evolved beyond that point.

List Of Favorite Words

2007-10-05T09:27:00.000-07:00

I have compiled a preliminary list of my favorite words- and as such it will change from time to time. Use any of the below words to catch my attention:
update- to save space on the blog (so you don't have to scroll past these to get to the other content) I have replaced the words to a link to the words: Click here to see the list of favorite words

Cultural independance

2007-10-04T13:55:00.000-07:00

I have a goal- one that few if any can achieve in this day and age: I aspire to live my life without being bound by culture. Now if you think this is hard, it's a lot more difficult than you think. Especially since most of the ways that society controls us we aren't aware. I'm not paranoid, I'm informed. Listen up and you will be too, if only a little.

When we're attracted to others, or analyzing someone's physical beauty...sure there are certain qualities that are entirely up to physical taste. But when it comes down to it, society dictates beauty. Because we grew up in society, We can't help but think that obesity, acne, moles, warts, hair (in certain places), baldness, and all the other "blemishes"- are ugly. But when it comes down to it, it's only ugly because that's what we were to believe. Although there are other barriers (which I will get to), this probably makes up the bulk of the control society exerts over us, and as such will also be the most challenging for even me, to overcome. This is because I, and probably all of us, have been raised accepting such utterly vain ideals. Staying healthy is one thing, but there is a limit, and it was crossed a long time ago.

Now to the part that concerns myself:

I have a very specific moral code, and it is as follows:

1. If an action/behavior/lifestyle/etc. does not hurt oneself or others in and of itself, it is morally right. (Morality tends to be black and white, thus- if it is not wrong, it must be right)

2. If something is morally right (by the above definition), and is the best/only method to obtain certain desired benefits, then I should incorporate it into my lifestyle.

an example of #2 (to elaborate) is my reasoning not to smoke. Although smoking does give people a "high", and also has social benefits, but the "high" and social benefits can be obtain using much better methods, and ones that do not lead to addiction, as well as not involving the offensiveness smoking has in many circumstances. Thus, I do not smoke, because there's no reason to.

For this reason, I have decided that bisexuality is a lifestyle I should incorporate. In and of itself, it has no negativity involved for either myself or others, and there are benefits that can only be obtained by taking on such a lifestyle, both in social/sexual experience, and the amount of variety (doubled). There is also one other benefit that is probably unique to myself. Ever since I was a child, I only had friendships with girls, and as a result lost the ability to (naturally) make friends with males, especially those my own age. Until recently, I strongly believed that being friends with males my age was impossible. However, a more romantic perspective would probably shake this belief away, broadening my horizons in more way than one.

There are many other lifestyles/behaviors that society shuns, and I will probably not find them all. But in order to accomplish my goal, I need to feel comfortable with all of these, if they agree with my moral code as defined above.

my dream

2007-09-27T12:57:00.000-07:00

For a while now I have been concerned that I do not have much of a dream. Now by "dream", I am referring to something big I want to accomplish; or in this context- a fulfilling career. In other words, I career that satisfies my skills, strengths, and (most importantly) interests. When children are young, they want to grow up to be the stereotypical firefighter, police, pilot, astronaut, etc. The dream I am referring to is like that, only as an adult I am more aware of the implications.

Yesterday I came up with a hypothesis: "potential lifespan can be determined by the ratio of complexity to size." Someone has probably already come up with it, but that thought is original in and of itself. In Jr. High, science was one of the few classes I always got A+'s in, so I must have been interested in it. Well, I'm probably jumping to conclusions, and driven by the need to fill the gap of not having a "dream", but nevertheless I believe that science can be my dream, and so I will live accordingly for the time being.

Now all I have left is to check the prerequisites for the fields I am interested in, and ensure they fall within my strengths.

Improving relations

2007-09-24T12:56:00.000-07:00

Overall, I seem to be a slightly different person at home than I am when out. After discussing the issue with a friend, I was reminded this is a problem no one is exempt from, and furthermore: The other people living with me (I live with my dad, and he rents it out) are far from socially agreeable. But nevertheless, I still wish to do all that I can to improve in-house relations, and this post is to brainstorm methods by which to do this. Note that all traits I say I have are not applicable to circumstances outside the house, so chances are you might even wonder how I "nice person like me" could ever engage in the said social approaches. I don't know either, but I know I need to change it if possible- if only to be consistent, to validate my honest nature.

The first problem I noticed is that when my opinion conflicts with other's (quite frequently at the house), I have a tendency to have to defend my opinion. This is actually applicable not only to opinions, but also to anytime there is even the possibility that anyone might think something about me that differs from the truth. In all cases, it never once occurred to me that even if I defend myself, their opinion will probably not change, and furthermore, the need to constantly defend myself reflects badly on my character, and may even lead the individuals involved to believe that I am defending myself because they are telling the truth. For this reason, I should not have any reason to defend myself. Hopefully this habit is not too deep rooted, and is based on shallow perspectives that can be uprooted by the above insight. In either case, now that I am aware of these things I can work to fix it. This is probably the highest priority, because although not as prevalent, I have a tendency to defend myself even outside of the house. I have voiced many times that I generally do not care what others think about superficial matters, such as beliefs, lifestyle, fashion, etc. Yet most, if not all of the times I defend myself are regarding theses things. Even though I was not aware at those times that this is the case, It still is of great concern that my behavior contradicted my core values, effectively making me a hypocrite. Since I am now aware of this, I have no excuse, and so must work hard to correct this habit, as to maintain actions that correspond with my beliefs.

The second habit, is that I have a strong tendency to derive entertainment by asking people questions to which there is only one answer- in other words "testing" them. Aside from the problem that in many times it is clear what my motivation is (people generally do not like being tested), the answers that they give differ from the "only correct answer", which leads us immediately into negative relations, starting with debate, and eventually with insults, questioning of intelligence, and other childish mannerisms. Because this can be avoided by not testing others in the first place, I must work to correct this habit.

I'm not sure whether this is a problem more likely to occur in the house, but there is much more opportunity: I have not said "thank you" "please" "you're welcome", etc. for a long time- or rather, say it an average of less than once a month. I don't know when it got to this point, or for what reason, but (probably as a result of the lack of exposure to these articles of etiquette) I tend to feel uncomfortable when thanking someone or being thanked, and almost never say "please" when making a request, if not never. Obviously this is a big problem, so I must work to "make a habit" of utilizing these mannerisms.

I've always had a need to voice it whenever something was on my mind, and so this is a major habit of mine. The better I know someone, the more likely I am to voice my thoughts. While this may make for good conversation, It soon becomes tiresome to the "victims" and as such I need to consider: 1- do they care/are they interested; 2- are they in the mood to discuss such topics; 3- Does it even make any difference whether I tell them or not; 4- Isn't it important to only tell them things that actually concern them, so they can better make use of the those thoughts without having to deal with less important information?; among other things.
It is true that the majority of what I have learned is by stimulating my mind by means of communication, but I should work to find methods less burdening to others when going about the learning process.

I'm sure there are other important matters to consider, but this will do for now.

the implications of infinity

2007-09-18T13:46:00.000-07:00

Stephen Hawking is considered one of the fathers of science, right up there with Charles Darwin, Albert Einstein, Thomas Newton, etc., and pioneered in in theoretical cosmology and quantum gravity. Much of his research clarified and justified the Big Bang theory, and helped a lot in explaining more mysterious concepts such as infinity. The symbol for infinity is a good analogy that combines the concepts of infinity and "The Big Bang". In theory, the universe is constantly expanding, and as a result matter reacts with itself, infinitely becoming more complex. Eventually, the universe reaches its expansion limit, and begins contracting. After it reaches its limit of contraction, The resulting tension results in "The Big Bang", and the process repeats infinitely. The symbol provides a good analogy, because it's infinite, but also has "highs" and "lows" which make a good simplistic representation of the expansion and contraction involved.

One of the main criticisms of the "Big Bang" theory is that such chaos would not allow for intelligent life, and could not allow for the order that is prevalent in the universe, as demonstrated by the reliability of standards such as the laws of physics.

Another is the inevitable question "what came before the Big Bang". By using this perspective, there is an answer, and the answer is "another Big Bang"...and ones before that, infinitely. This effectively answers both questions. God is not necessary, if the universe always existed. Or rather, the universe effectively is God. Well, this doesn't entirely answer to the claims that without intelligent design, the universe would be chaos. for this, I will use the analogy of a fractal. I'm sure many would agree that the image shown here is a work of art. However, this beautiful masterpiece was in fact made using math. With the exception of a few touch-ups, the entire thing was made using math. I have often used this analogy to reason away the possibility of the existence of a universe without God- i.e. if one man can make this in a short amount of time, it's only natural that the universe, with the constant interaction of matter in levels beyond our imagination to say the very least, and all multiplied by billions, if not trillions of years. Back then my ideas stopped at "even if the universe was made like a fractal, there still had to be someone to make the original equation". But if the universe always exists, then so did the equation. (Fractals are made by setting a pattern, and then building on that pattern in the same way over and over again. each repeat of the pattern is called an "iteration". http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fractal

Well, I'm not saying God doesn't exist, I'm just saying he doesn't have to.

true believers

2007-09-18T11:39:00.000-07:00

According to statistics, 2.1 billion people adhere to Christianity, effectively claiming belief in the beliefs thereof, or the "core beliefs" at the very least. Well, aside from the obvious fact that many of not most of these people are not actually serious in their beliefs, do they actually believe at all?

From the time I became a Christian (~2.5 years old) to the time I renounced it (~18.5 years old) I would have to say that, even though I was an active believer, went to church every week, and youth group, and on top of that participated in choirs, plays, and for ~2.5 years excelled in Christian schools- gaining a large amount of Bible knowledge all the way. In fact, the mission statement of Los Gatos Christian church was a paraphrase of the one I wrote. ("was", because due to a merge with South Valley Christian Church to become Venture church, all of core values/etc were rewritten to accommodate both church; to think that churches would "merge", as if they were businesses- guess that a capitalistic church is only natural in a capitalistic U.S., lol.) But even with all that, did I actually believe?

To better clarify the question, I'll inform you that despite as shown by the above statements, I was a strong and active Christian. There was one crucial factor missing. And that fact is a question, "Why?". I stayed a Christian, because I never asked the question, instead assuming I knew. But finally, after settling from the constant chaos of my mind, I gained the peace I needed to determine the answer to that question. And gradually, the answer became clear, and led to my current belief system, which ironically leaves God out of the picture.

However, this problem, the problem with neglecting to ask the question "why?" extends far beyond religions, and extends into all of the core elements of life, probably more most people. Here are a few of the elements in which neglecting answering the question leads to trouble:

Why do I love you?
Why am I dissatisfied with the state of the government?
Why do I think Bush is awesome? (Big trouble, at least with me, lol)
Why do I have certain habits? (fill in blank)
Why do I determine within three seconds whether I'm interested in someone?
(you know who you are)
Why have I chosen my current career?
Why do I adhere to certain beliefs?
Why would I be rejected?
Why not trust people?
Why not be honest?
Why does it matter what people think about me?

The list goes on forever, so I guess I'll spare you. All the above questions cause trouble for many people if not answered, and for many people, the answer to all of them is simple: No reason. A lot of life is about thinking about the "why?'s, because otherwise you'll find yourself living a lifestyle that won't even make sense from your own perspective. The ability to reason is one of the few qualities that separates humans from animals. Forget about the why?'s and...you'll be little more than an animal, frankly.

Self Pitch

2007-09-17T16:50:00.000-07:00

this is the post that I'm able to tell all the good qualities of myself that are applicable to girls I might date in the future, only without sounding egotistical in the process. quite convenient I think.

I'm an honest and trusting person- I'd say it's impossible for me to get jealous. Although I've never been in a relationship, I think I can safely say that I'm a very loyal person as well. For the person that I'm with, I can guarantee that they would be my primary focus, meaning I would pretty much always put their desires before my own, assuming it to be within reason. In other words, I am generally the submissive type. the only exception is verbally- in which I am very assertive.

I'm a very outgoing and talkative person, and open-minded as well. I very much prefer 1-on-1 to large groups- the implications of this are that I'm not interested in those that go to concerts, karaokes, bars, clubs, sporting events, parties, and the like. That should have knocked out 3/4 of potential candidates, if my estimates are correct.

You should be able to deduce by the above that furthermore I am not "rugged" or "manly", and have no interest in the activities associated with such words.

I have found that I am turned on by: short height, and energetic, outgoing personalities. Although this is probably not important, I tend to be more attracted to those with brunette hair.

It also appears that I connect better with women older than myself.

In God We Trust

2007-09-15T13:43:00.000-07:00

that's what the quarter says (I don't believe in God myself, although I won't foolishly deny the possibility.) but is is really possible to trust in a God that you know exists? Anyone who is a Christian believes God and the Bible to be undeniable knowledge, and since God is perfect, how is it even possible to trust him? Well, you might say, "just because we know him to exist and be perfect doesn't mean we can't trust him, right?", but at least to me, in order to trust anyone or anything, risk is an absolute- thus without it you cannot trust it for that reason.

Well, from a psychological standpoint this holds true, as well is financial- I haven't found any non-theistic examples in which trust does not require risk for trust to risk. Okay, maybe God is supernatural, but why make him an exception on such a fairly irrelevant basis?

It is true that although all the definitions of trust infer risk, most do not clarify as such, although some do. Perhaps this is the source of the confusion, or perhaps maybe the definitions were reworded to better suite the more theistic connotations. Well, now I'm bordering on conspiracy, but then again every conspiracy has legit origins anyway (well obviously we can't prove that, but it would be a more logical conclusion.)

Earlier, I had a similar struggle with the word "believe", wondering why a God we know exists is possible to believe in, since the criteria for a belief includes not being a fact. Recently though, I came to the conclusion that saying you belief in God, or certain related aspects, is simply saying that it's a fact while removing the opportunity for the person you say it to to be offended or voice their disagreement. By means of this middle ground, adherents of various religions are able to make it clear that their beliefs are fact, while avoiding the otherwise inevitable negative reactions when communicating with those of different beliefs.

However, trust is not limited to religious contexts, and thus cannot be given the benefit of the doubt on account of socio-psychological adaptation practices. In order to best define trust, all variables must be taken into account.

Faith, however, seems to be limited mostly to religious context, although there are some exceptions. But due to the usage being almost entirely religious, it would be acceptable to use it in the same way as "believe" even though faith bears a definition highly synonymous with that of trust. Due to popular usage, this exception was made, however, this leads to an even greater confusion due the meaning being the same of that of faith, at least in practical usage.

My conclusion is that in religious contexts, trust bears a slightly different definition than in other contexts, in the same way as faith and belief. However, although all three words are interchangeable in practical contexts, (the extent to which belief is interchangeable with the other two is comparably limited though, because the approach is slightly different; trust and faith are more passive, where belief is more active.) in religious contexts are markedly distinguished. In other words, they all mean the same thing in most contexts, but in religious contexts, all three words have very different connotations.

To avoid confusion, let me clarify: in religious contexts, all three words are apparently used to declare certain religious opinions as if they were fact without the ones of a different belief taking offense or other negative reactions. However, each word represents a different approach at accomplishing this, and has different goals associated with it. In spite of the clear distinction, however, the only reliable part is the distinction- the differences associated with the distinction is up for debate, and inherently unknown. Pretty useless distinction if you ask me. Perhaps it was made solely to emphasize the words chosen in the Bible, or if relevant, other religious texts, were not simply chosen to hold the readers attention by means of variety, but in fact represents an integral part of God's purpose. Well we'll never know, but in either case, because the distinctions cannot be statically defined, many religious adherents use them interchangeably as they see fit, relying primarily on what fits best, which is in turn usually inspired by the ever-evolving religious writing, continuous attempting to adapt to religion(s) in which words have undefined distinctions. From this point of view, it is one of the most useless things to ever attain such an undeserved level of influence.

Patronized

2007-09-14T17:59:00.000-07:00

I have just uncovered a new quality about myself. Actually, it's something I've been trying to figure out for a while now. See- for the last 6-8 months or so, I have rarely every gotten angry. The reason for this is explained in past articles, particularly in "The Importance Of Relativity". However, there are certain situations that I cannot help raising my voice or using intense verbal tones in, or, in the case of chatting online, writing in such a way that my anger leaks out This was all very confusing, because I could not pinpoint why I was angry all these times. All I knew is the their words pushed my buttons, I did not know why.

After all, if I maintain a perspective where everyone has reason for their actions, I would have no reason to blame them for their words. And, because their words need not affect or change who I am, the words affecting my self esteem is not possible. So, since my self esteem is not affected, and I do not blame them, why am I angry?

Today, I was feeling angry due to this kind of circumstance, but this time I was able to discover the reason for my anger- which button(s) they pushed.

It all lies in a quality that I myself failed to notice- and that is that I hate being patronized. So for those who know me, I think it would greatly improved relations in the future, since I think this is actually the source of most of our disagreement. I have determined this to be the case in retrospect. Now I feel relieved, since this has been a great source of trouble for me.

prior to realizing this truth, I had noted my dislike for others forcing their life experience as if they were my father. ironically, patronize comes from the latin root pater "father"

the reality of love

2007-09-12T16:58:00.001-07:00

My conclusion is that love, in all it's complexity, cannot be simplified into a single definition, or even single concept. More specifically, it's different things to different people. Individually, we decide what love will be. Although some perspectives on this may be more ideal than others, they are all equally right and equally wrong, because this can only be decided on an individual basis.

However, I have made note of three perspectives on this that seem (to me) to be attributable to the majority. As I continue pursuing this topic, I may find other perspectives of significant influence, but until then, I will hold to these three.

1. Experience. this perspective is the one I have chosen, and the idea behind it is that regardless of compatibility, physical attraction, chemistry, or other related factors, love is ultimately determined by experience, that is, how many memories you have shared with the designated person, the level of intimacy and passion associated with these memories, and the overall importance thereof. That is, the more that lovers spend time together, the stronger their love grows, depending on the quality of these memories.

2. Instinct. Regardless of actual prevalence, this perspective is relatively unpopular. The idea is that love is found by seeking out the best mate possible. Thus, if after finding a mate, if a person finds a better mate, they will leave their current mate for the more promising one. This of course is dependent on the new mate possessing qualities that outweigh the sense of security in the current relationship. For this reason, we must also take into account that the sense of security strengthens over time.

3. Romance. This is probably the most popular perspective, and the idea behind this one relies on the concept of dating. For this reason, the origin of love varies extensively. It ranges from love at first sight, to love based upon common interest (most likely the most common), and can even "dance" with what normally falls under instinct-based love. In summary, it's a sort of hybrid between instinct-based and experience-based love.

There is a 4th perspective, but due to it's nature, I have separated it from the three above. Serendipity- otherwise known as fate, destiny, predestination. Although this is not necessary, this perspective of love is usually used in conjunction with the above three. The idea that a love is meant to be can give a wonderful sense of security in a relationship, But most believe that it's not wise to leave a relationship wholly in the hands of fate, because the future is never clear. For this reason I have made the distinction.

I may add more perspectives in the future, but at least I have gained a clearer understanding of the inter-workings of love.

the perfect guide

2007-09-06T23:08:00.000-07:00

in many story lines, though naturally I'm specifically referring to those in animes, the is a character, and usually only one or so; this character is usually mysterious, and furthermore guides the other character(s) as the story goes on. This mysterious character usually is well aware of the happenings that concern this character, and thus can exercise control over the circumstance, or even bestow this knowledge upon the character(s). But instead, they choose a passive approach, occupying themselves with watching over this character, influencing the circumstances only when necessary, and occasionally giving subtle hints.

To free you from this vagueness, I'll be more specific: Mizuki Kaho from Cardcaptor Sakura. there are other examples, but since I am watching this one right now, it's most clear in my mind. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kaho_Mizuki

(note- the english dub would be Kaho Mizuki, but I don't watch that, and I want to say it correctly, the "japanese way" (since the story is based in Japan, I wonder how they get away with it?)

by the time I become I parent, I want to be able to master this method of guidance. The reason for this, is that we cannot control our own fates- those were ultimately determined by our parents, in one way or another. (I have a lost of reasons for this belief, I think some of them are covered in the post "the importance of fate"

therefore, the only true way to leave my mark is to determine the fate my children, and not take that power lightly. by giving my children a beautiful future, I will have immortalized myself. Although it might now seem this way from the surface, either directly or indirectly, how I raise them will leave a lasting impression that will never fade away. In fact, taking math into account the impression will probably increase as time goes on. The reason for this, is that the power of an idea increases as more believe in it, and as such my ideals will shine every brighter as time goes on. All I need to do is ensure that my ideals become deeply embedded in my children.

Now, if I were to just tell them what I believe, I can't expect them to agree. Nor can I tell them "do this" or "don't do that" and expect them to obey, or even if they obey to do it out of thinking that it's the best way. In fact, it's common knowledge that in many cases the more expectations you have for your children, the more likely they are to rebel.

this is where Mizuki Kaho's approach comes in guide them along, giving hints and subtly influencing the environment. In this way, your children become just as you want them to be, but all the time thinking they became that way of their own accord. This is the true mastery of a guide, one I aspire to. If God exists, I think this might also be the method in which he guides us, and furthermore, Mizuki Kaho kind of remind me of God in this respect.

To be able to mold a person into something beautiful is difficult- It's like trying to mold clay without using your hands. But if you use your hands, the "clay" with resist, and the work may (and probably will be) less than satisfactory. As such, it would be better to use the harder method, so it will be my goal to master it.

chaos: my outlook

2007-09-04T10:17:00.001-07:00

I was writing an email to someone, and I decided the information I wrote was worth blogging, so I copied and pasted it here.

there is a huge difference between spontaneity and chaos. spontaneity pretty much means "living in the moment" chaos means "unpredictable" or according to google "a state of extreme confusion and disorder"

I am actually an extremely spontaneous person, if you knew me you would know that. It's a trait that be a big disadvantage at times. But I also have something of fear of the unknown. I don't know the extent to which it exist, or when it started, but I believe that the reason I am hard pressed to be wrong about things that I know about, and constantly research what I do not know, is at least partially driven by this fear. this is also why some horror movies that people considered scary I did not, but ones that weren't considered as scary, such as "the ring" thrill me the most. note no movies will probably scare me now, due to changes in perspective, but previously anything known as a "psychological thriller" would probably (for lack of a better way of saying it) give me goosebumps. the reason for this is that movies of this type almost always feature "the unknown" and/or chaos.

"Life isn't perfect; it's bound in chaos."

I disagree, just because something isn't perfect doesn't mean it has to be chaotic; there is a lot of structure in the world, I'd say most of the world isn't chaos.

the only living species actually capable of chaos is humans beings (in my opinion). my reasoning for this, is that the defining difference between humans and other living things is that humans can think abstractly. creativity is a byproduct of the abstract part of our minds. now if you look at the definition of chaos, "extreme disorder" is included. creativity in and of itself has no order to it- order is predefined, creativity involved redefining. thus creativity involves a state of extreme disorder, and thus chaos.

by this perspective, the more creative something is, the more controversial it will be.

Our abstract nature gives us the insatiable drive to adapt and change, and for a long time creativity, and thus chaos, was the only method by which to accomplish this. as a result, these elements have become an integral part of our culture- or should I say, the reason for very existence of culture.

however. there are some other methods of adaption, that while do involve creativity to an extent, manage to refine it and remove the chaos just as molasses is removed from raw sugar. this method is technology. With technology, we can adapt infinitely to higher technology without awaking chaos in doing so. This may change once the technology conflicts with modern ethics (to an extent it already has), but as of now, the resulting chaos is minimal.

This is probably also a lot of the reason I'm so attracted to technology, because I hate chaos and technology allows me to adapt without it.

Change of moral code

2007-09-01T02:36:00.001-07:00

right now I am trying to determine whether or not to change a particular segment of my personal moral code, namely, my sexual lifestyle. Up until now, I have been very idealistic about it, saying I will not have sex until marriage, and even then not having it often.

But recently, I realized that this idealism has no solid backing, other than being a relic of my Christian lifestyle of the past 16 years. I have already determined that because sex does not require love, and love does not require sex, How often or with whom a person has sex (in and of itself) has no bearing on love, and for this reason, does not damage any future relations, and furthermore, would not even damage a current relationship if there was it was to be expected prior to the act.

This is actually common, and statistically, is a proven and popular way to avoid breakups/divorces. It's called an "open relationship". There are also other variations, such as couples meeting with other couples to "spice things up", among other similar methods.

In light of the above, I have realized that at this point my beliefs are but an empty shell, and thus must be changed.

I have some interest in "S&M" relationships, where I am the "S", but the truth is having no experience and limited knowledge my interest is at least half speculation.

Today I saw a girl in a miniskirt, and at this point I realized that my lack of sexual interest is also in part biased by the fact that I don't get out enough. Just that one moment reawakened the sexual passion that I had lost over time as I spend 90% of the last year (of the time I was awake of course) in front of the computer. From this perspective, it's only natural that I lack sexual drive. it could be that I am actually a complete horn dog and just don't know it. Who knows!?!

so keeping that in mind, I will attempt to gain a more accurate understanding of my "true" sexual self.

the illusion of life

2007-08-24T01:59:00.000-07:00

this is a post I thought I had put down but didn't, anyway....

update: the part about this realization getting rid of my anger/depression is speculation, since I highly doubt that raw knowledge could possibly lead to such a radical change (just a couple years ago, and even 9 months ago, I was the exact opposite- constantly depressed/angry with no particular reason. I can't think of any reason besides knowledge, but like I said, knowledge couldn't possibly bring about such a radical change on its own.

In light of the variance in perspective and its relation to relativity, it became clear to me that emotions are illusions, and I learned much from this. I know right now you probably hold an opinion opposite that, believing that emotions are real, because otherwise they would not affect our lives so much. So I will provide an example- the film trilogy "The Matrix". One of the main elements in the movie, was the concept that in order to self-empower yourself, you must realize reality is what you make of it, not limited to how it is presented.

A specific example: Once neo not only realized, but applied his knowledge that the matrix was not real, he was able to empower himself in direct ratio to the degree to which his surroundings were illusions.

I think that although it was just a movie, to say that the amount of power we gain from acknowledging that which around us is an illusion, would be in direct ratio to the degree of that illusion also. The reason we don't have matrix superpowers, is even though we may be living in an illusion to a degree, that degree is not even comparable to the matrix (for obvious reasons- which are that it was 100% illusion- which is unbeatable)

Although there are many definitions of an illusion, here I am referring to an illusion defined as that which is non-material, and temporary. Emotions account for most illusions under this definition.

I realize that there are many things important that fit under this definition, but yes, that means joy, love, pride, momentum, nostalgia, trust, faith, hope- they're all illusions. But that also means hate, malice, anger, resentment- they are illusions too.

However, this is not discrediting any emotions in any way- in fact, understanding them like this helps to establish the same self-empowerment in "The Matrix"

Here are some applications to my real life:

Previously, when playing games, I would be winning as long as I kept the momentum, but once I lost it I would lose every time, due to a loss of confidence. Once I realized that emotions were illusions, I was able to keep the momentum. Because of that, I was able to make comebacks surprisingly frequently, and even those times I lost I kept my opponent on their feet the whole time through.

In addition, I have been completely devoid of both anger and depression since this realization. Because those are both illusions,I can render them non-existent in my own mind. All that remains is peace, and so for the past few months that is all that I have felt.

If you do not know me, upon reading everything above, you may perceive me as very unemotional, and most online tests I have taken have said pretty much that. But if you know me, you would know that I'm actually a lot more emotional than most guys, and a lot of girls.

hypothetical questions

2007-08-23T05:02:00.000-07:00

I was planning to think of 21 of these and then create "The 21 Hypothetical Questions" test (get it?) but since I wrote it a while and never finished (I got distracted again and again, and eventually forgot!) here's what got so far. I'll keep updating this post till I get to 21, and then I'll make it into the test.

1. which is more beautiful, a human falling in love or an AI (artificial intelligence, i.e. android)?

2. If you had a choice between infinite satisfaction and zero peace, or infinite peace and zero satisfaction, which would you choose?

3. Would you rather have a bad tempered God that you know everything about, or a nonchalant God that you know nothing about?

4. If a deity offered to let you reincarnate and live the life of your choice, but the price was to die at 40, would you do it?

5. Would you rather have a laptop that does everything instantly but crashes every 5 minutes, or a five year old laptop that lasts forever and never crashes once?

6. If your ideal mate said they would stay with you forever, but in exchange you must not have sex for the rest of your life, would you agree? (note this question may need tweaking to compensate for such variables as love.)

7. Assuming you are in your early teens, if a man offered to sign a legal contract to pay you $1,000,000 if you place yourself into a coma for 20 years, would you do it? (all medical bills are reimbursed as well)

8. If there was a way to have any wish of yours granted, but there was a 50% chance you would pay for it with your life, would you take the risk?

obviously that's only 1/3 of 21, but I've thought of some for a bit, so maybe I'll remember, or those thoughts will help me think of the rest of the questions.

a lot of thinking

2007-08-23T04:26:00.001-07:00

just for the record that post about love below might well be way off. Not that it is.., but I was tired at the time, but had to get down whatever thoughts I had before I forgot. a while back I realized that a lot of my thoughts would go to waste if I didn't write them down, so I made it a habit too. good thing because for a long time now that's the only productive thing I've done.

actually, just recently I realized that to date I haven't actually planned much of anything in my life. In other words, as far as I know there in not one thing I have ever planned to date, period. lol I knew I was bad at planning, but to think it was this bad, and I didn't know it. well this explains a lot of things. (1) another reason I'm bad at projects. (2) my complete lack of everyday discipline. (3) why I'm bad at planning is probably not innate (like I thought it might be) but in fact because I never have. lol that makes sense!

but that aside, to the focus of this post:

for about 6 months or so, I've been having this feeling that I have no idea what it is. I know it's important, strong, and deep, but that's pretty it. Quite the mysterious feeling. furthermore, the amount of time I have this feeling is increasing steadily. I'm pretty sure the first time I had it was when I watched the "strawberry panic" anime. it was also a feeling that I had never felt before and didn't know what it was. at the time I thought it was due to the storyline, but now I think that's coincidence. although I can't be positive, I'm pretty sure it was the same feeling. the rate of increase since then seems consistent (as in it increases at the same rate, no exceptions).

I think that somehow, that it's very important that I solve this feeling, and that if I do "something will happen" although of course I don't know what. well, my intuition in most areas is horrible, so I'm probably way off (but I'm going to trust it anyway, since this time it sounds cool.)

but I suppose that I look forward to the day that it becomes possible to read brainwaves. Here are some prospects that this would open:

1. employment, guidance counselors, etc. would not be needed. people would receive the jobs, education, etc. that best suit their interests, skills, experience, and talent. We would end up living lives better than we could have normally, since the machines would know us better than we know ourselves, and would have proof that we are who we say we are, and we can't lie about it either.

2. (the obvious) I'd be able to find out what this feeling is, and unlock the meaning of my dreams, and various other subconscious mysterious. ok fine, everyone else will too!

3. we will be able to create ai that cannot be distinguished by humans.

4. because our true selfs are on record, it would unlock the possibility of an equal opportunity utopia. (i.e. rich people won't take priority over poor genius' just because they're rich.

5. there would be no more need for courthouses, we would know the truth immediately.

6. People could be matched with people that they are best suited for, removing the need for "courting", dating, etc.

7. no more need for tests, for the truth just use the machine.

criticisms:

to keep you from putting your foot in your mouth (aren't I nice?) I have prepared criticisms I already knew exist:

1. hackers. yes, obviously having our lives so closely linked to computers leaves us dangerously vulnerable to hackers, in legal matter, jobs, education, basically all addressed above and then some.

2. the inevitably would own the system, and use it to their advantage.

3. privacy would become a relic of the past.

4. if for a number of possible reasons the machine screws up, the person it screws up on is also screwed.

My Resume

2007-08-16T04:58:00.000-07:00

There's still a few "bugs" to work out, but at least for now this is my resume.
note: this email address is for business use only, everyone else email me at the address above.

Justin Benjamin

1487 Hervey Lane, San Jose, CA 95125

Phone (408) 971-2211

E-Mail: justin.benjamin0@gmail.com

Web page: http://jbcandid.blogspot.com

OBJECTIVE: To obtain an entry-level position that matches both my skills and interests

EDUCATION:

Foothill ADT High School
2003 – 2006

High School Diploma

Central County Occupational School (CCOC)

Computer Technology Careers

2005-2006

Certificate of Achievement, Certificate Of Articulated Course Completion

Letter Of Competency, Letter Of Recognition (Assemblywoman Rebecca Cohn)

Generic Skills:

Writing, Analytical, Detail-Oriented, Interpersonal Communication, Adaptation.

Defining Traits:

Extrovert, Enthusiastic, Energetic, Proactive, Inquisitive, Honest, Impartial.

Extracurricular Experience:

Choir, Band, Software development (limited), Application testing, Japanese linguistics (verbal), Debate, Trivia, Philosophy, Psychology, Various consultant work.

Technical Expertise:

Windows XP, Software Testing, Computer Repair/Maintenance, Research, Customization, Linux

Notable recent events:

Participated in the StruT (STudents Recycling Used Technology) Competition of 2006

References:

Available upon request.

Reincarnation

2007-08-09T03:54:00.000-07:00

this post isn't about my beliefs regarding reincarnation (I'll have to cover that in another post- I have an extensive list of thoughts about that, believe it or not...But to the point:

In the past 5 years I have lived over 10 lifetimes. I think they can be considered lifetimes because:
(1) there are starting and ending points to each
(2) at the end of each lifetime, there is a defining moment when I feel like a completely different person, like being "born again" if you will.
(3) The times of my life that I remember least (in the long run) are right after and right before being "born again"
(4) Each time I am "born again" I think back and marvel that in "my past life" I would never have imagined how I am now.

Just a few hours ago I was "born again", and so I decided to blog about it while it was still fresh in my mind. It really is a wonderful feeling, like I'm going to live forever. I'm sure if you knew me, and the story of my past, you would agree, since the things I have lives through are more than most would in several lifetimes. I have also learned more than many also learn in several lifetimes. But since you do not know me, and furthermore cannot read my mind, I would be better off assuming you'll disagree with me, thinking that me, a 19 year old young man, thinks he knows everything and just needs to face reality and come out of the clouds. Well I know I don't know everything, and few in this day and age are still idiotic enough to think that (I mean c'mon, seriously!- think about it)

But alas, in either case I am grateful to have lived so much, and to think that I have so many more lifetimes ahead of me.

How the Bible was created

2007-08-07T18:26:00.000-07:00

How the Holy Bible was made:

Of course it was made by God, written by man, right? Well, that's what they wanted you to believe (they probably can't want anymore- since they're dead). Well I can't give you the real answer, (although I know it wasn't God like they say) but I can give you one that has a lot of evidence backing it- I mean a lot. So listen and learn as I reveal the secret behind the greatest story ever told.....

After the discovery of writing, humans began writing with a variety of motives. It is not certain what the original motivation was, but in accordance with human nature, eventually people wrote to influence the world as they saw fit. Before long, rumors spread of the wonders of writing, and in time, it developed into a subculture. People gathered at meetings to brainstorm, relay news, and discuss promotion strategy much like the subcultures do today.

As time went on, the groups became more structured, leaders were decided, and they began working on ambitious projects. The different groups had different goals, so they began to compete for influence. One of these groups insisted upon a monotheistic base, and this did no go well with the others. Monotheism was not a popular idea at the time, to say the least, so many of the other groups collaborated to force this group into exile. The descendants of this group became known as the Israelites. Although their original name is unknown, The best supported one is the Hebrews, so that is what they will be called from here on out.

Whatever ambition and passion they had developed prior to the exile had multiplied due to their resentment at those who took action against them, and they channeled that energy into what was to become the Torah^¹. It was decided that the project was to mirror their own history, but done so metaphorically; in other words, a sort of poetic historical fiction. This was done so they could maintain a reasonable influencial impact, while preserving their history. In a manner of speaking they immortalized themselves. Take note that “reasonable” refers to their perspective, and the project expectations were incredibly high.

To achieve their goals, the Hebrews needed a “hook”^² so it was only natural the the story would begin with creation. Thus, they proceeded accordingly, and created Genesis (בראשית, Bereshit: "In the beginning..."). Throughout Genesis and the remainder of the Torah, exile is a theme that reccurs consistently and without fail. Along with that, the Hebrews spread their anger throughout in moderation. In addition, they balanced love with revenge with the purpose of amplifying their self-righteous image. All the writers of the Torah were anonymous, and were the first to make use of what are now known as pen-names. There is much confusion over books writing a similar storyline to the Bible, most notably the Dead Sea Scrolls^³, but these were in fact rough drafts of the Torah, and this is also why the author's name is different. It is possible that the authors of the scrolls and other documents related to the Bible might be the actual names of the authors, although this is only speculation.

1 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Torah

2 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narrative_hook

3 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dead_Sea_Scrolls

Strengths and Weaknesses

2007-08-04T11:23:00.000-07:00

Fairly recently I made a list of my personal strengths and weaknesses. of course, this is of no benefit unless you know me, so I guess if you have no intention of knowing me you just wasted your time, lol!

Strengths:

concepts: I seem to be very good with concepts, i.e., love, war, peace, culture, life, death, etc.

logic: as in I'm good at thinking logically. ok, maybe I'll try to be more specific later, but I thing everyone knows what I'm implyiing anyway.

psychology: I've always thought of myself as a step ahead on understanding psychology, so recently I put it to the test. it was a success. then later on I open one of my dad's college books on it, and I found I understood every bit of it immediately, and I couldn't find anything in there that I didn't already know.

intellect: basically I'm really good at using big words with ease, and I talk a whole lot. kinda like a ten year old that happened to be a college graduate I suppose.

assertion: should also be self explanatory- I have no problem speaking my mind, or with confrontation. I know my rights and I do not hesitate to take advantage of them.

insight: Every once in a while I come up with these big insights while watching anime or other tv series. I guess it usually happens around those times because they stimulate my mind, and emulate life experiences.

deductive reasoning: most of the time, I take my insights, and build upon them with new insights. I do this using deductive reasoning, i.e., if a=b, and b=c, than a=c, etc. basically I take what I've learned and apply that knowledge to new perspectives, resulting in adding another dimension to those concepts. This helps me to become aware of many of my insights.

single-tasking: I'm probably really good at single tasking for reasons along the lines of why I'm not good at multitasking. I tend to be really good at analyzing I guess. or maybe something else.

maturity: I guess I consider myself to be mature, since I have high moral standards, and perspectives on life that most people my age couldn't relate to. People have called me mature for this reason, although many would consider me no, since I don't go to school or work, and live with my dad. In either case, I'll leave that up to you. I can't say I worry about it much.

long-term memory: I have a really good long-term memory, but I think this may possibly have more disadvantages than advantages. for example, most of the times I recall memories they are completely random and meaningless memories from several years ago, many over ten. but there are some things I'm glad I remember all of it, like I remember a lot about my first (and only) girlfriend in the second grade. We had some good times. Oh, for those of you that thought you read wrong, you didn't.

I've only had one girlfriend in my life, and it was in the second grade. I'm a virgin, and I've never been on a date.

Weaknesses:

data: when I say this, I'm referring to visual material, such as written, and graphical. yes I know that includes what I'm writing. what I mean is that I have trouble absorbing visual material. If I didn't aready know what I was writing, I would have trouble understanding it. this didn't used to be much trouble before, but it has lately. (graphical refering to charts, graphs, etc.)
visualization: basically, I have trouble visualizing things. correction, I cannot visualize anything. I am completely unable to picture anything in my head. I know, sounds crazy, huh? oh well.

organization: I don't know if I was more organized before, but as far as I know, I've always been disorganized. hard as I try, if I were to clean my room spotless and organized, it would dismantle within days.

reflexes: Took me a while to figure this one out, but then I realized why I such so much at video games, sports, etc. I took an OkCupid test, and lo and behold, I took over 10 seconds (the record being less than 2 seconds.)

multitasking: self-explanatory- I really suck at it. For example (this is a fact) if I were to engage in conversation every time I walked by a particular building, or even person, even if I were to walk past them repeated times, they would not look familiar, since I would have no recollection of them. When I'm talking, I am always completely unaware of my surroundings without fail.

short-term memory: this weakness has been a curse my entire life. I have met so many people and forgottent their names almost immediately after meeting them. it's very embarrassing. (and I've also lost quite a few of girl's #'s over the years thanks to being so disorganized.)

planning: yeah, this is also a major weakness for me. I find it really difficult to plan things, and constantly forget to carry things out even when I do make successful plans. this is probably a large part of why I suck at chess and freeciv and other strategy games. I'm really bad at planning and strategy, and on top of that am prone to make mistakes due to my short term memory, disorganization, etc.

bluntness: yes, I tend to be extremely blunt. I originally thought of it as a strength, but then I realized that I need to make an exception for the majority of the world that tends to take things more personally than me. honesty does not require bluntness, so think I'll work on diplomacy.

change in my perception

2007-08-04T11:20:00.000-07:00

First I am surprised as I realize that without me knowing it, my perception of reality has changed. Now this is something everyone goes through, but most people don't realize it. Only this time, in addition, I think this perception is too radical to be considered part of growing up.
Everyone's perception of reality changes as they grow older- that's why when you're older, everything seems so much smaller, and why despite that you have to take so many things into account that otherwise would be trivial matters that you most likely never took note of when you were young.
However, this is different. When I look at things that normally my perception would be different (I'm still not entirely sure what it was before, since it is psychologically involved, and emotions are well known to be temporary, unreliable illusions in most cases.
But in either case, as of now, when I look at the world that is reality, it almost looks fake - everything looks exactly the same as before, but now I see the details, the motion, hear the variances in sound- and it is clear that it is not real. Many of the things that I am referring to are not real- such as TV, but I think that might be the case for other things as well. I think for the most part this is a good thing- reality is made up of electrical signals interpreted by our brain, so it is kind of fake, since what we perceive is reality is different from what others perceive as reality.
so how do people socialize if their perceptions are all at least slightly different, and in many cases radically. I could not possibly understand the perception of many people, since it is not my own. all I can do, or anyone can for that matter, is accept that its existence is inevitable, and try their best to compensate for it.
I believe most people solve the majority of these problems by not thinking much about their perception, focusing instead on what is in front of and around them. I suppose this is called "facing reality" (ironic, isn't it? lol!)
they may also do it by preoccupying themselves with the perspective of others, at the expense of their own perspective, becoming something of an empty shell in that respect. I suppose this explains the reasoning behind "people pleasers"
then there are those who either force their perspective on others, or tactfully influence others with their perspective, effectively rendering their perspective prominent. These would be called "leaders"
but I think I feel saddest for most people, who don't even consider the importance of perspective, and just go through life doing "what they're supposed to do" and making the best of it.

The Importance of Fate

2007-08-04T11:17:00.000-07:00

if the importance of relativity was the greatest lesson I've learned, the importance of fate would be the second greatest. The latest thing I've learned from it would be another step of maturity. why you ask? well, fate implies that everything is predetermined, and my idea of fate is that the future is the product of our genetics, how we are raised, and ultimately, how we raise each other. With over 6 billion other people on this earth, all of them affect everyone to a certain extent. so assuming that the amount of change one person can make is represented by the number "1", and if we we to round the people on this earth down to 6,000,000,000, the difference of potential change between one person and 6,000,000,000 people can be determined by squaring both numbers, since that would account for the amount of potential variances. since 1 squared =1, the difference in potential change between 1 person and 6,000,000,000 people is 1 to 36,000,000,000,000,000,000, or 36,000,000,000,000,000,000 times greater change than that one person could potential create by themselves.
Anyway, my point is that because of this, we would be nothing without each other- I could not become what I am today without the help of the 6,000,000,000 others, even though I've never met 99.9999 % of them. For anyone to call themselves an individualist is not only a liar, but insults everyone else in the world. Because we all affect each other, it is important to realize that because of this, we have a huge amount of obligation and responsibility to each other. Every action we take will echo infinitely into the future, and as time passes, the ramifications of our actions, conduct, and words will grow larger. We owe ourselves a great deal, since throughout history, as the population grows, the amount of potential change grows with it, and assuming the current laws of science hold, at an accelerating rate. Because of these things, utmost caution, unity, and responsibility, coupled with a stable, structured life cannot be stressed enough.
In summary, my aspirations to become influential and make remarkable contributions to this world are immature- now I realize that regardless of which path I take, my contributions to this world are and will not belong to me, but humanity as a whole, since I could not have accomplished any of it without the impartial influence of all 6,000,000,000 + people. My regards to humanity.

The Importance of Relativity

2007-08-04T11:16:00.000-07:00

The Most Important Lesson I have ever learned:

One word, Relativity ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Theory_of_relativity )

But for others to fully grasp the crucial and important implications of that word, I will elaborate.

This theory, contributed to by several philosophers and scientists (the most notable being Einstein and Galileo), is actually very simple, and easy to grasp.

To put it simply, relativity is simply realizing the fact that how you see things is limited to your perspective. The amount of applications for this are infinite, and can play an important role in answering the many questions about life. I will list the many applications I have found:

1. The most radical application, is the fact that the entire world may be in fact entirely different than it seems to be, and our not knowing it is only the product of our limited perspective. I think that it is very probable that this is true, except most likely not to that extent. For example, Many animals see in black and white, and some see better than others- which means that if we were to evolve further, eventually we would come to see things very differently. In addition, assuming aliens exist (which I believe them to) they would see things differently than we do.

2. It helps explain the radical differences in behavior, decisions, emotions, and personal standards of human beings. For example, It is not an evil person's fault they are evil, since who would be evil if they knew a better way. If a person were to stay evil for the rest of their life, it is only because they didn't know any better. In many cases, they learn early in life to do good, and their behavior causes good people to stay away. In the unlikely event(s) that a good person bestows goodwill upon an evildoer, the evildoer does not accept it, since they have learned to be distrustful. Thus, in most cases, evil people are doomed to be evil, and nothing can change that.

3. Regarding the definition of evil, relativity has helped me to understand that morality can't be truly defined, since it is simply a collection of opinions, those opinions vary from country to country, culture to culture, and in many cases even person to person.

4. Applying relativity to emotions greatly encourages an emotional calmness. For example, if a person says something hurtful and degrading, or commits an action that is hurtful, normally anyone would become either angry, depressed, or both. But if you were to put things into perspective (for example, it doesn't matter what they think, or things could be worse, or it's in the past, or they only acted that way because they don't know any better, or getting angry about such things is what they want, etc,etc,etc.) At this point you would realize that you are in total control, since you have assessed the many possibilities and come to several likely conclusion. Having control over the circumstances brings a great peace of mind, which nullifies the potential emotional instability involved. In addition, each time you thwart the negative emotions, the peace becomes greater, since you self-empower yourself by being able to control your emotions.

5. Understanding relativity allows you to assess your personality, skills, and life-experiences with infinite depth, since you have the realization that your life is the product of your experiences. It also allows you to move forward to correct your weaknesses, since you life experiences allowed you to have both your weaknesses and strengths. Most people fail to realize they can improve on their weaknesses, assuming "it's part of who I am". that is a correct assumption, but although it is, who we are is the product of our experiences, and although we gained ourselves over years of living, if we were to improve who we are over years more, we may gain improvement in the weak areas as well.

6. To apply relativity to personal tastes, regarding the question, "how could they enjoy such awful entertainment?" This falls under the same idea of "why are evil people evil" The reason why they enjoy those things is because they learned to through their experiences. The same applies to all interests, food included.

7. I'd say one of the most important applications of relativity is the fact that at least for entertainment, the level of technology has no bearing on the level of fun experienced. If we were to look through history, black and white tv was just as entertaining as the internet and video games are today. The same holds true with the radio, and before that books. The reason why is that the amount of fun experienced is in direct ratio to the stimulation of the brain. If the stimulation is higher, for the moment the excitement will be greater, but eventually, although the excitement remains, the amount of fun is the same as it was with less exciting entertainment, since the brain adapts and adjusts to the new environment. The bad part of this is, that the lower forms of technology that were entertaining before are not as fun, since our brain has been exposed to more exciting activities. If we were to loose our technology, we would have to deal with the lack of entertainment, but eventually we would adapt as our level of brain activity adjusts.

This concept can be applied not just to entertainment, but also to just about everything else. For example, If a rich person lost their riches, they would eventually adjust and enjoy their new life, although probably not as well as before. But note- eventually a rich person's life may become just as empty as that of a poor person's, since as their brain adjusts, their life becomes no more than ordinary, since for them, it is. The same applies to a dumb person vs a smart person, beautiful vs ugly, the list goes on. Since this holds true, I would conclude by saying that a person's life is not determined by what they have, but how much they accept what they have. Because everyone has a different perspective, How well they live life is determined solely by how well they perceive themselves to be living it.

To apply this to relationships, if a person loves another, and they are separated, their love will be greater than it was ever before, because of the excitement caused by their separation. The same can be applied to people, animals, and objects. Yes, even objects. for example, if a person looses something, then finds it several years later, after they had lost interest in that which formally gave it significance, they would still experience the same excitement, simply because prior to that moment they had not known of it's whereabouts.

In summary, it is important to understand the importance of relativity and its applications to daily life, since by the words stated above you can see it has a vital impact on it.

The Justification Of War

2007-08-04T11:15:00.000-07:00

It occurred to me that my anti-war beliefs were solely based on my own perspective, and since war affects 6 billion people, I would better understand the reasoning behind war if I put myself in the shoes of those who choose to go to war

these thoughts began while watching stargate sg-1, a very popular sci-fi series (with a military setting- the air-force)

Now I've always known that people go to war for their country- and in my eyes that is stupid (why would anyone get themselves killed for the sake of their country- considering that other than the government, there is no difference between us and other countries, and in fact we all all human

but lately I've been thinking about the purpose of human beings. our purpose is what keeps us going, without it we are doomed.

after thinking about it for a couple minutes, I figured it out- our purpose is change.

one word, and yet is can sum up our purpose perfectly. the whole human history has been about change- that's why we continue to strive for new technology and government. that's why fashion changes every couple years. that's why people are rarely satisfied with life as it stands. because we exist to bring about change.

and applying this to war:

War is the most effective and quickest way known to man to bring about change. thus, if a person fights in a war, they can die with more satisfaction than most people would who did not die in warfare. they can die knowing that their action brought about changes that would echo more through history than most of human being's non-violent actions could otherwise. they have immortalized themselves as much as could be done.

thus, war brings about the greatest fulfillment of all elements of the existence of humans.

but I still wouldn't be willing to go kill people, even if it is agreed, and even if I'm doing us both favors.

It just isn't in my nature (plus to be honest, it's a good thing I'm a pacifist because I have the worst reflexes in the universe)

Our Purpose

2007-08-04T11:13:00.000-07:00

Human beings, being intelligent beings, have to have reason to go on, collectively, this forms our purpose
Thus, we work towards the hope of accomplishing this purpose. and yet, the dilemma remains. Once we accomplish our purpose, we will have no reason to live. Because of that, in order for us to go on, we must never accomplish our purpose. So we go on in hopes of accomplishing the purpose that we in fact will not. Suicide is the result of people who either feel they have no purpose, that they have lost their purpose, or that they have accomplished their purpose. So the question that can be derived from this, is it better to accomplish the purpose and die on your terms, or never accomplish it and die naturally. This perspective almost makes those who commit such an act look sane.

Everything accomplished must have a reason in order to be accomplished. A human being cannot accomplish something without a reason. This is a vital part of our psychology. The more driving the cause, the greater our performance when accomplishing our purpose. Love, for example, is one of the most renowned purposes. It has been the cause of great and terrible things. Thus, the key to unlocking our potential is a purpose worth having. In this way, Christianity indeed has made the world a better place. It has also made the world a terrible place in the past. Both of these results, as diverse as they may be, are radical in their intensity for the same reason- they both are founded upon a powerful purpose. Communism, for example, led to a number a great things. Terrible, yes, but great. The reason for this is because the goal was something worth striving for- social harmony and unity. Granted, this goal was never accomplished, and in fact quite the opposite in many ways. But in a way Communism is like humans, in that we never accomplish our purpose, or if we do we lose our reason to live.

Video Games and Love

2007-08-04T11:07:00.000-07:00

It's strange. I have a whole lot to say on the topic of love, even though I've never had a girlfriend, never had sex, and have had so few friends in my life that I can count. my advice has helped a lot of people, and old people say the things I know are things most don't learn in their lives. why must I be cursed with this oximoronic existance? Oh well, I think I'll make friends eventually.

I just offered advice to someone who wondered how they could hate someone they loved. in it, I provided the perfect analogy of video games: why, you ask?

video games usually consist of multi levels, each being progressively harder. there are several strategies for winning, and many of these are comparable with love
for example, if you were to start the game on the last level, or on a game intended for experienced gamers, you would hate the game because it's too hard. in addition to not being familiar with the controls as you should have been by that point, you have no gaming experience and you are only humiliated by them game, going above and beyond a lack of entertainment and resulting in depression/anger/etc.

this applies to love in that if you give each other high expectations early on, you will hate each other for continually "losing," and develop other negative emotions like depression and anger.

in video games, one of the ways to have more fun during the majority of the game is to build up stats, inventory, etc during the beginning stages of the game, as much as possible. then you can exercise your newfound excessive brawn for the rest of the game, making for a very rewarding experience.

in love, it is the same. If you stay on "the first stage" of love (maintain low expectations) for a long period of time, when you do raise the expectations as a challenge to test the strength of the love, the results will undoubtably be A+, which also makes for a very rewarding experience.

To add another similarity,

a video game is usually most fun if you choose one that plays on your strengths. for example, get Chessmaster if you're good at logic, get MonkeyBall if you're good at judgement & intuition, get Halo if you have good reflexes and dexterity, or get the Sims if you're good at planning and problem-solving.

with love, it's the same way. it's not a good idea to fall in love with someone you're not actually interested in, because once the passion dies down you're screwed.